Another try, another breakup... (Updated)

[H245]

Hi everyone. It's been a while since I had been on here. I stupidly started seeing my ex again after a month and a half of NC when I broke up with her in January. For the full story, feel free to read this prior thread of mine.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/452645-broke-gf-but-completely-miserable

 

Regardless we both really wanted to try again. I told her we needed to work on things. She needed to work on communicating more and showing more affection towards the relationship. I needed to work on my neediness / being overbearing.

 

She had fully disclosed that she slept with someone 2 weeks after our last breakup and that she was hanging out with one of her ex bf's again but nothing had happened between them. She blocked their numbers and deleted them off FB or me.

 

We were making progress. Not fast, but slow and steady. At times I would fall back into old ways but always apologized and kept trying to be more aware of it. She would as well and I would have to remind her of it. We went on vacation together and it was great. That was about 3 weeks ago.

 

Over a week ago, I was getting worried she was becoming distant again with her new job being really busy. I was being supportive the best I could be. But I also noticed that she was being more excited to see her friends than see me. So I called her to see if I could come by and talk to her in person, but she preferred to talk over the phone. I expressed my concern and had the disclaimer that I didn't think she was intentionally doing these things.

 

At that point she said that I had a list of things I kept finding wrong with her and that she was fed up and couldn't keep doing this anymore. She said that because of what happened in the past between us, she could not keep living her life constantly worrying about my insecurities towards her, the relationship, and myself.

 

She admitted she did things in the past knowing they were intentionally wrong and other times she didn't know were wrong at the time. She admitted that I was working on my own issue and for me to not think I did anything wrong, but that she was not capable of giving me the attention, support, validation I need. Basically she isn't the type of person to handle the type of relationship I need.

 

I think my insecurities developed from the fact we broke up 3 times prior over the course of a year and a half and the things she did that were wrong. I was willing to put the past behind us, but it doesn't seem like she was willing.

 

In the end, here I am heart broken for the 4th time now. I probably should have known better, but it seemed like this last try was gonna be it. I wake up every morning sad. It's Memorial Day weekend and even though I am trying to keep busy, I find no joy out of things. I have Xanax to help my mini panic attacks, but I am wondering if I should ask my therapist if I need anti-depressants.

 

I have the book on how to get past your breakup, but I haven't found the will to read it. I feel empty and demotivated from doing anything. I feel like I may never find someone that will be able to reciprocate the feelings I give them.

[FredJones80]

I know this doesn't help much, but you broke up 3 times in a 6-8 month relationship.

 

Unfortunately this one just wasn't meant to be.

 

Sorry bud

[jbelle6]

I agree with Fred, also I feel you two just get back together without working on yourselves so you just keep jumping back into the old relationship expecting different results.

[H245]

I agree that we need to work on ourselves. We tried because we really loved each other. Or at least I thought we did. She would tell me that I was the only person she could trust and that without me she has nothing. Makes me wonder if that was real or not.

 

I've already blocked her on FB. Just need to find the will to delete her number.

[StrongLass]

Just need to find the will to delete her number.

 

Don't psyche yourself out, just do it!

 

1.Open phone

2.Locate number

3.Delete contact

 

Sweet 'n quick, Nike style

[flitzanu]

one thing, you can't try to "fix" someone and mold them into what YOU want them to be. if she wasn't right for you or you couldn't deal with how she was when you met her, then it would never work anyway.

[H245]

one thing, you can't try to "fix" someone and mold them into what YOU want them to be. if she wasn't right for you or you couldn't deal with how she was when you met her, then it would never work anyway.

 

I agree with you. The problem was when I first met her, she was very different. Very affectionate and energetic when she was chasing after me. Once we finally got together things started to slowly change.

 

Not to mention she also had a lot of issue wither her parents that were going on.

[H245]

Hey everyone. Update on this past weekend:

 

I ended up running into my ex at the bar Friday night when I went out with my cousin. A few other mutual friends of ours were there as well. I tried my best to keep composure. I did drink more than usual and it did help calm me down. I didn't start any arguments or talks about us which was good. At some point in the night we talked about her current family drama she was filling me in on. Gave her some advice about it which I shouldn't have since I believe she might want to keep me around for these types of talks and support.

 

The next 2 days we texted a bit back and forth. I did screw up by asking if she no longer felt anything for me after 2 weeks. All she said was she felt numb to everything except anger towards her family. She went on to tell me that the breakup was inevitable and again she didn't want to be in a relationship where she needed to work on things or make compromises. I agreed on the first part and left it at that with her. On my own, I felt sometimes compromises would have to be made on certain things. I didn't think we were always making compromises, but def always trying to work on things.

 

Regardless of this past weekend, I am still having a hard time coping. Part of me can't stop thinking she has already hooked up with another guy. When we BU back in January and then tried again in February, she admitted to having a one night stand with a bartender at a local bar 2 weeks after the BU (we were being fully open with each other). Thankfully not a place I ever went to.

 

Hearing that the first time hurt a lot since it made me feel she didn't care much for me or the relationship that she rebounded so quick. I feel she will do the same again this time around.

 

I try to keep busy as much as I can between going for 5+ mile walks, running errands, or losing myself in video games with a friend online, sit at the bar alone having a drink to forget (sad I know). No matter what I do, I can't stop thinking of her and it's killing me. Sometimes in the morning I wake up shaking from a nightmare or just a minor panic attack so I end up taking a Xanax to take the edge off. I won't exceed more than 2 doses in a day per my doctor's orders.

 

Anyone else go through this as well? It's almost been 3 weeks and I can't get her off my mind. Could use some support today.

 

~H

[stillfiguringitallou]

I got through this sometimes.

 

What you need to realize is all relationships take work and compromises. If you aren't doing that - then it becomes very one sided.

 

or fails.

 

You don't want to be in something that is one sided do you? Or doomed to fail?

 

Hang in there - it really does get better

 

At least my ex had the respect? and kindness? to be a total ******* so I could hate him and walk away feeling better off ... sucks more people don't get that kind of closure

[Brutus]

I can relate your experience to the end of my relationship, when my ex got into other things in her life and distant from me. I believe it is normal that such behavior by your partner awakes your need for confirmations and affection, because you see something is changing and you try to prevent it from happening (although more often than not in a counter productive way). Sure, it would be better if one were strong, as my ex wanted me to, but doesn't this mean after all that you do not care? If you can stand seeing your partner becoming cold and indifferent to you without a blink, does this mean you are you a "tough guy"? Or that, after all, you do not really love that person? And it seems you did care, more than what she did.

She "didn't want to be in a relationship where she needed to work on things or make compromises". Think about it. Perhaps she should realize that in EVERY relationship you have to make compromises and work on things. Every relationship, once the honey-moon phase is over, will need hard work and dedication. She is not willing to make compromises for you, while you are. She is being completely selfish, and perhaps you should consider whether a relationship where YOU are the one who has always to adjust and compromise is something that you want and, especially, something fair. I think it is not.

Edited June 2, 2014 by Brutus

[NC-Thomas]

Hi H254,

 

Why are you allowing yourself to be her support (e.g. talking about her family matters) while you should be taking care of yourself? By doing so you are keeping your wounds open. Just say ' hi ' and move on.

 

She choose to dump you, put you at the curb, like a bag of garbage. Step up and take your dignity and self-respect with you. You are worth more than being a check-in counter for her to validate her feelings and decision. One thing I learned is that I need to take care of myself. Yes I had nightmares and i only sleep for 5 hours a night, but I choose to see it as if she threw me away, she doesn't want me in her life, and so I accept. I accept by not being in her life anymore, and completely shut her of. I'm now in control of my own, just because I choose to.

 

I think breaking up for so many times proves that the both of you are unable to sustain a solid relationship. Draw your conclusions.

 

I don't want to be hard on you, but you need to face reality, and regain some self-control. Have you tried to meditate ? It sure helped for me to straighten things.

 

PS: I got dumped one month ago, and today we really parted ways after 1 month of semi-NC and 1 meet-up.

[H245]

So I just received a text from a co-worker of mine just now as I was trying to get to bed. It was a picture of my ex on Tinder looking for a serious relationship...it showed her active over 7 hours ago.

 

I don't even know what to think I am shaking so much right now...I can't stop thinking about it. I did do a quick knee-jerk text letting her know I didn't know she was already looking on Tinder. I guess I sent it to show her I know what she's up to...

 

I need some advice on how to handle this.

[H245]

Anyone? I barely got any sleep last night, maybe an hour?

[Zahara]

I need some advice on how to handle this.

 

How to handle what? You are broken up. She's on Tinder and she's looking. That is what happens after a break-up. The woman has been emotionally detaching for awhile so while it seems quick to you, it really isn't.

 

And this is why NC is preached because it would have been so much better for you to be in the dark about her activities while you heal.

 

This is a blessing to you because this is what you need to finally let go.

 

Block all forms of communication.

[Nimbus4dt]

So I just received a text from a co-worker of mine just now as I was trying to get to bed. It was a picture of my ex on Tinder looking for a serious relationship...it showed her active over 7 hours ago.

 

I don't even know what to think I am shaking so much right now...I can't stop thinking about it. I did do a quick knee-jerk text letting her know I didn't know she was already looking on Tinder. I guess I sent it to show her I know what she's up to...

 

I need some advice on how to handle this.

 

Mine was the same, Tinder and Match.com less than 24 hrs after dumping, I was livid at first but after reflection I actually felt better over the break up, it proved that all the utter rubbish that came out of her mouth was indeed in fact "utter rubbish!".

I never contacted her over it, why bother, as with your case, she is not worthy of your time and effort.

She'll prob have someone else in tow soon enough, my advice is strict NC, block all means of communication, block on Tinder and anywhere else you may come across her, just vanish into thin air and worry about yourself, because you are the important one not her, not how she made you feel in the early days, because after 6 months or so you'll see that it was all an illusion!

Stay strong!!

[NC-Thomas]

Stop checking her out on social media man, I know its addictive.

 

I promised myself today that I would not check her Facebook anymore, ever, atleast not untill I can say i COMPLETELY moved on.

 

You need to move on, cause she is also moving on. Accept it. Im currently in the same situation, its a bitch... but you will get through in time.

 

Work out, get social, call some old friends, hang out, start a new hobby, get some distraction! Stop worrying about her and accept your situation, only that way you will start to sleep better etc... trust me.

[jphcbpa]

So I just received a text from a co-worker of mine just now as I was trying to get to bed. It was a picture of my ex on Tinder looking for a serious relationship...it showed her active over 7 hours ago.

 

I don't even know what to think I am shaking so much right now...I can't stop thinking about it. I did do a quick knee-jerk text letting her know I didn't know she was already looking on Tinder. I guess I sent it to show her I know what she's up to...

 

I need some advice on how to handle this.

 

tells you more about her..this has nothing to do with you. this is her way of coping. just like when you broke up and she was with her ex.

[H245]

Stop checking her out on social media man, I know its addictive.

 

I promised myself today that I would not check her Facebook anymore, ever, atleast not untill I can say i COMPLETELY moved on.

 

You need to move on, cause she is also moving on. Accept it. Im currently in the same situation, its a bitch... but you will get through in time.

 

Work out, get social, call some old friends, hang out, start a new hobby, get some distraction! Stop worrying about her and accept your situation, only that way you will start to sleep better etc... trust me.

 

I wasn't even on Tinder, my co-worker had sent my a screenshot. I had since asked him to never bring her up again.

 

I've been working on distractions and for the most part, it hasn't been helping And after the Tinder stuff, I can't help but feel like a piece of trash. I will keep trying and hope that things get better in time.

[H245]

tells you more about her..this has nothing to do with you. this is her way of coping. just like when you broke up and she was with her ex.

 

I can see that. But what I don't get is what is she coping with? It's apparent she was already detached from the relationship weeks ago, probably even as far back as when we were in Cancun together. Isn't it normally the dumpee that copes and not the dumper as they have already moved on mentally?

[NC-Thomas]

I can see that. But what I don't get is what is she coping with? It's apparent she was already detached from the relationship weeks ago, probably even as far back as when we were in Cancun together. Isn't it normally the dumpee that copes and not the dumper as they have already moved on mentally?

 

Im having the same, my girlfriend was very distant after the breakup, while I was in total distress. Then when I started thinking about it later, I noticed that she was probably already closing the relationship while we were still together (e.g. not wanting to plan big things, like holidays etc).

 

I think the same happened to your relationship. She was already detached and you werent, so now you are behind at some level compared to her state. Its normal. But in the end its not fair, she should have told me what she was thinking about...

 

I dont know what my GF is coping with and I dont care, cause im moving on now. So should you.

[H245]

I don't think I'm coping very well at all with any of this. I can't get the thought of her with someone else out of my head. I know she probably has been already or in the process with her online dating thing I learned about. I've been trying to keep busy and go out for really long walks, but I can't get her off my head.

 

It's even harder since we have mutual friends as well. On FB we have 64 mutual friends. So I am bound to run into her at some point or another.

 

I am rambling, but I can't sleep and can't stop thinking these terrible thoughts. I must have some severe issues that I can't get over someone that wasn't good for me.

[H245]

I have one final update as it seems things have finally come to an end. I hit a low point last night for myself. I was at the bar with a few mutual friends of my ex and I. I had a few strong drinks so I was feeling pretty buzzed, but I was having a good time.

 

My ex walks in with another mutual friend, and 2 other people. I tried my best to not talk to her. We started at each other, she said hi, and I just shook my head.

 

They didn't stay long and started to leave. I don't know what get into me, but as she was leaving, I stopped her by grabbing her arm to try to talk to her about how hurt I was. She tried to leave and I kept blocking her way until the 4th time. Each time she said she had nothing to say to me and to leave her alone. I don't know why it didn't register in my head the first time. Most likely because I had been drinking.

 

An hour later I received a text from her saying that if I ever touched her again in a manner where she expresses she is not comfortable with, that she will call the police. Told me it was my warning and to leave her alone. It hurt to see that, but I understood why she sent me the message. She had been raped 5 years ago and so my grabbing her arm might have brought back some feelings of that time.

 

I called her up and apologized for my actions at the bar. She was super defensive the entire phone call. Towards the end of the call she told me she still cared for me but only as a friend, but that she will never contact me again in any form. I told her we should just act like we never existed and to delete my number and I would do the same. The conversation dragged on a bit further and it was 5am and she ended up hanging up on me.

 

I'm now afraid to go anywhere anymore at night since i fear she will be there. And god forbid I accidentally touch her if out in a group setting, she might actually call the police on me.

 

So here I am today, feeling like I hit a low point in my life after what I did at the bar last night. At the end of all this drama, I feel like I have gained nothing out of this on and off relationship over the past year. My birthday is in 2 weeks and I don't feel any joy because it serves as a reminder of when she broke up with me the first time right after my birthday last year.

 

Moving forward, it will be strict NC of course. I feel like a horrible person and can't help but blame myself and my insecurities for the downfall of all this. Though when I first met her I was really confident and didn't feel insecure. Maybe as she pulled away I became that way. I'll never know.

 

Besides the usual NC, work on myself, etc, is there any other advice especially regarding the situation from last night? I don't want to stop going to my usual places with my friends, but I also don't want to get into a dangerous situation with her. It sucks that we have so many mutual friends. I fear most of them I'll never see again.

 

P.S. I have been seeing a therapist ever since she first left me and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

Edited June 7, 2014 by H245

[loversquarrel]

You now know for certain she doesn't want you in her life. What you did last night was an act of desperation and could have landed you a restraining order, and over what? A person who screws someone the first chance she gets after breaking up with you....Women like this, stay away from. It's quite clear she has some serious baggage along with seriously misguided notions of how relationships work. Fix yourself and take solace in the fact that aside from flings and fwb's she won't find happiness with anyone, because in her mind she has no problems.

[H245]

I agree that what I did was out of character. It happens to the best of us I guess.

 

It's quite clear she has some serious baggage along with seriously misguided notions of how relationships work. Fix yourself and take solace in the fact that aside from flings and fwb's she won't find happiness with anyone, because in her mind she has no problems.

 

This is pretty much what's helped me open my eyes and help me get over her.

[flitzanu]

"An hour later I received a text from her saying that if I ever touched her again in a manner where she expresses she is not comfortable with, that she will call the police. Told me it was my warning and to leave her alone. It hurt to see that, but I understood why she sent me the message. She had been raped 5 years ago and so my grabbing her arm might have brought back some feelings of that time.

 

I called her up and apologized for my actions at the bar. "

 

obviously that's the first thing you'd do when someone says don't talk to me and leave me alone or i'm calling the cops, is to call them on the phone.

 

you've pushed her to the limit and there's no going back now, dude. sorry to say, you HAVE TO WALK AWAY.