MissTrudy Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I've been seeing this guy for about a month and it has been going very well, albeit very slow. Things are just starting to pick up (over the past few dates we've started holding hands, and the other night we finally kissed...which turned into a make out session and some fooling around (no sex) before we both fell asleep in each others arms. and made out again in the morning. I am leaving in two weeks for a one month trip. He knows this and asks me when I'm leaving, how long I'll be there, etc constantly. He's excited about me going and I am too. We haven't talked about what it means regarding our courtship. But what I haven't told him is that I just found out (well, I found out a few weeks ago) that I need to leave the country again for three months, starting in September. It is a wonderful opportunity and I am very excited but I am also sad about leaving just as things are going well for me here. I am worried that once I tell him it is going to stall things even further (he's going to hold back), move things faster ("the talk") or things are going to end because I am basically never around. He is really shy, awkward, and hard to read (as am I) but I do think he is genuinely interested in me. I know all of his friends and he has met many of mine. I've dug myself into a hole though with these trips (they are work-related, btw). Next time I see him will probably be the last time before my first trip. I want to know if he wants to still see each other when I get back (of course that could change while I am gone) but I am afraid that conversation is going to scare him, especially because we haven't had a heart-to-heart about our feelings or things like that. and once i mention the other trip, especially if we get on that topic, I am sure it's going to freak him out. I am nervous about how to broach the subject and it isn't something that I have much experience doing. Any advice on what to say, or what not to say, is appreciated. Should I even mention the second trip? I feel like I'd be lying if I told him later on, I mean he has to find out eventually. And if I tell him now and he reacts negatively, it will save me a lot of time. But I don't want to rush, especially because things have been pretty slow so far.
nomadic_butterfly Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 You absolutely should tell him ASAP. Don't be selfish. Some people (like myself) wouldn't want to be bothered with that if they aren't able to travel with the other person but on the other hand, if the bond and potential is strong enough, they might wait it out. Don't go any further with him sexually until all cards are laid on the table. He has a right to decide if this is what he really wants. It sounds like you work in management consulting/ a job that will require travel for extended amounts of time in the future as well so you need a patient and understanding partner or the relationship will be doomed. The person would also have to be a bit emotionally independent as well. I've been seeing this guy for about a month and it has been going very well, albeit very slow. Things are just starting to pick up (over the past few dates we've started holding hands, and the other night we finally kissed...which turned into a make out session and some fooling around (no sex) before we both fell asleep in each others arms. and made out again in the morning. I am leaving in two weeks for a one month trip. He knows this and asks me when I'm leaving, how long I'll be there, etc constantly. He's excited about me going and I am too. We haven't talked about what it means regarding our courtship. But what I haven't told him is that I just found out (well, I found out a few weeks ago) that I need to leave the country again for three months, starting in September. It is a wonderful opportunity and I am very excited but I am also sad about leaving just as things are going well for me here. I am worried that once I tell him it is going to stall things even further (he's going to hold back), move things faster ("the talk") or things are going to end because I am basically never around. He is really shy, awkward, and hard to read (as am I) but I do think he is genuinely interested in me. I know all of his friends and he has met many of mine. I've dug myself into a hole though with these trips (they are work-related, btw). Next time I see him will probably be the last time before my first trip. I want to know if he wants to still see each other when I get back (of course that could change while I am gone) but I am afraid that conversation is going to scare him, especially because we haven't had a heart-to-heart about our feelings or things like that. and once i mention the other trip, especially if we get on that topic, I am sure it's going to freak him out. I am nervous about how to broach the subject and it isn't something that I have much experience doing. Any advice on what to say, or what not to say, is appreciated. Should I even mention the second trip? I feel like I'd be lying if I told him later on, I mean he has to find out eventually. And if I tell him now and he reacts negatively, it will save me a lot of time. But I don't want to rush, especially because things have been pretty slow so far. 2
Author MissTrudy Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 You are both right, thanks. I just need to bite the bullet and talk to him. I guess I am just really afraid/unsure how to broach the subject. Do I just say I'm leaving and change the subject? Do I say how I really feel-that the opportunity is bittersweet because I am enjoying spending time with him and getting to know him and it sucks that it's gonna get cut short? I feel like option one comes off as distant and with no regard to him and his feelings and the situation at hand, whereas option two makes me sound a bit clingy and moving too fast. I don't know what the middle ground is
nomadic_butterfly Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Let logic rather than fear govern your decision making. He has an equal right to decide if this situation is something he is willing to commit to. You're going to have to leave anyway so the sooner you tell him, the better. If he doesn't want to continue seeing you, better to know sooner than later before YOUR feelings grow stronger. Personally I'd be really upset if someone didn't tell me they're going MIA for a few months. Don't be selfish. You might stand out so much he's willing to wait. Or maybe he'll say let's see if things can be picked back up when you are back in the States for a longer period of time. It's not all up to you and it shouldn't be. Communication, honesty and trust are fundamental components to a healthy relationship. Let things progress organically and maybe you can propose you still hang out and make the best of the coming months you have together. You might even find between now and your next trip you are better off as friends anyway. But the point is he needs to know everything! You are both right, thanks. I just need to bite the bullet and talk to him. I guess I am just really afraid/unsure how to broach the subject. Do I just say I'm leaving and change the subject? Do I say how I really feel-that the opportunity is bittersweet because I am enjoying spending time with him and getting to know him and it sucks that it's gonna get cut short? I feel like option one comes off as distant and with no regard to him and his feelings and the situation at hand, whereas option two makes me sound a bit clingy and moving too fast. I don't know what the middle ground is
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