livingnightmare Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Well after ex contacting me, finding out things I never new and her asking me for photos only I had, I got the locked away photos out from tyhe depths of a hard drive I had hidden away and dam it hit me like a ton of bricks again. To see us hugging with our daughter in between us, looking unbreakable so happy, content, so beautiful and innocent ..... to be all fake, that id had the wool pulled over my eyes, the thoughts of how did it come to this, that heart break of the early days feeling. I totally lost the plot and turned to alcohol something I learned not to do. I am kicking myself as I havent turned to alcohol as a bad coping mechanism in a long time. The thoughts were buildiong up and I couldnt let them go then I done the worst thing ever... drunken texts saying she should never have contacted me, that it was all for her guilt, nothing to do with my feelings as usual. I really went in on her hard, no matter what she done, I shouldnt have done this, I guess it was the anger that I have found out she cheated at the end after putting me through two years of hell just to torture my mind even more when it was damaged all ready. Everything is such a mess now, she literally replied with all the hurtful things she had said after the break up and once again justified everything she had done and took away everything she had done to me saying I deserved every bit of it. I can't help it Ive never felt bitter in my life till now, but this bitterness I feel feels so wrong so destuctive, but I just cant help feeling it, I really feel like this will never leave me. Im sure her abusive nature in the relationship and me not seeing it for what it was untill it was way to late and I became abusive is why I still cant get over this fully, it done a lot of damage to my inner thoughts, feelings, beliefs, made me do things that are not in my nature or would have ever thought of doing, and what I have told myself for a long time now. Feeling trapped and suffocated I just wish I knew how much longer this will take for me to be over it, its been a long time of gloom and darkness clouding over my life, it comes goes, I think Im free and there it is again as deadly as ever. I must be a real psycho to feel like this, maybe she is right as she did post that after she left me on her facebook page for the world to see because I was angry she was ****ing someone else straight after she dumped our family so cold. 1
stillfiguringitallou Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 You have to let go. You HAVE TO. My ex and I were together for two years. We split after our loss - or rather he split. But realistically it was just another split of many - each one breaking down my security in myself and my value a little more. And I became someone I don't recognize (even now ... a month later) I was full of so much bitterness that I had stood beside him through so many trials that DIDN'T INVOLVE ME ... had NOTHING to do with me. And he abandoned me - during mine - that we SHARED - that was OURS That I lit into him like nobody's business. And I had to apologize for my actions - without taking him to task for ANY of his - to feel better.. I had to put myself in the position of being the better and bigger person by CHOICE. While he was lobbing empty threats and thorns at me meant to incite jealousy I just kept saying "I'm sorry you feel that way, I wish you the best of luck with your "new friend" - If you want to part ways and never speak again I understand, we've both caused each other a lot of pain" He even said the only pain I'm causing him is in his ass LOL To which I replied - so um why are we talking then - if you're merely annoyed by your inability to not look for me in everything you read ... and thats the only issue - that is your issue - I don't need to be involved. anyhow. The point is Only after you acknowledge your faults to yourself - and ACCEPT that chances are - they are not going to do the same. Only then will the bitterness go away. Because then you would have SAVED YOURSELF. Goodluck. 1
Author livingnightmare Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 You have to let go. You HAVE TO. My ex and I were together for two years. We split after our loss - or rather he split. But realistically it was just another split of many - each one breaking down my security in myself and my value a little more. And I became someone I don't recognize (even now ... a month later) I was full of so much bitterness that I had stood beside him through so many trials that DIDN'T INVOLVE ME ... had NOTHING to do with me. And he abandoned me - during mine - that we SHARED - that was OURS That I lit into him like nobody's business. And I had to apologize for my actions - without taking him to task for ANY of his - to feel better.. I had to put myself in the position of being the better and bigger person by CHOICE. While he was lobbing empty threats and thorns at me meant to incite jealousy I just kept saying "I'm sorry you feel that way, I wish you the best of luck with your "new friend" - If you want to part ways and never speak again I understand, we've both caused each other a lot of pain" He even said the only pain I'm causing him is in his ass LOL To which I replied - so um why are we talking then - if you're merely annoyed by your inability to not look for me in everything you read ... and thats the only issue - that is your issue - I don't need to be involved. anyhow. The point is Only after you acknowledge your faults to yourself - and ACCEPT that chances are - they are not going to do the same. Only then will the bitterness go away. Because then you would have SAVED YOURSELF. Goodluck. Had a tough time controlling my thoughts since I was last on and tortured my mind for a while, but seem to be coming out of it now I hope. Im trying to concentrate on exactly what you have said and a few other things, I think its because I have found out things I never new before that are hurtful. Speaking to my CBT therapist the other day and they are referring me to some counseling, to be honest I should have pursued this a long time ago. I'm realizing how much I was emotionally drained from the gas lighting, crazy making, rages, walking on egg shells to many things to mention for so long has had a deep impact on my view on life and myself, I cant believe I let someone do so much to me, I feel guilt, even though I didnt know what was going on, I really think she has BPD as some of the things she would do and reactions to things fit the bill perfectly, there was definitlly something and it done a lot of damage. Maybe all this happening now is for a reason and will allow me to finally end this chapter in my life for good. 1
Nimbus4dt Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Feel for you Living. I am dealing with a similar situation. Bl**dy hard it is, some days pure hell, you are not alone. How long had you been NC before the contact or was it LC? Every day is a new day, the sun is shining (or will be tomorrow) the birds are singing, there's more to life than beating yourself up over someone who is not worthy of any of your time, effort or thoughts. I know it's so very hard and I don't practice what I preach all the time but the good days get more plentiful and the bad days less so. 1
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