Stuck

[Shattered2020]

I have not posted much or said much but I am at a point where I need to make a change. I am in IC and about to address PTSD that was brought back into my life when WH disclosed his infidelity.

I am so deeply hurt, not a day goes by that I am not in tears one way or another about everything that has been lost. I am still discovering things that have been lost that I had not thought of before. This brings on a whole new bout of grieving.

We had talked in the beginning about the value of marriage fidelity being one of those issues he was so very much concerned with and wanted between us. So while he did some prison time I was completely faithful (even if he would not have found out) I was true to my marriage every step of the way. Then I became sick and needed surgeries several and the pills and pain made sex very painful and I was not interested. There was so many other things that had gone on but he then became abusive.

We worked on that and everything seemed ok. Finally the last surgery was coming up and his new business put him into the home of someone that could care less that he was married he was vulnerable and went for it. So there I was completely in the dark talking about our anniversary and how it is a mile stone for the both of us and the ability to walk again with out aids and I would be the pills I had never been so happy in all my life. I was feeling like the end of our struggles were coming to an end and the glow of happiness surrounded me as never ever I had ever felt in my whole life. Until he came home and it was all destroyed just like that. I will never have the faithful husband I wanted and he can never be a faithful husband yes black and white thinking the fact that I am even here means I am dealing with gray area. How do I let go of that? I loved my ring it is nothing more that a broken promise it shames me to wear. I will never feel good enough I will never be his one and only. Oh yeah the rose colored glasses are off but that still does not help the facts are if you take off the glasses to face what has happened you don't go putting them back on and plan for a future of what can be now. What do I get now? what do we have now? He says if I can't find new dreams to replace the ones I had I am being short sited. I am so resentful that I can not have the things i want out of life that I have worked for. as it is I have struggled for so many years before him during him and now this right before the dream could find wings that it has crushed my heart. Self esteem what is that? The demons of my past have returned with a vengeance and he refers to that anytime I have questions or a problem with him. He can not do the things I want him to do he just don't get it. He is so sorry wants to move forward but continues to do, say things without thinking that hurt. Yes I could let it go move forward give him a pass and go one and "Be Happy." But then why should I let him off the hook when he has not done the things I have asked of him and he continues to do things that upset me. If the shoe was on the other foot we would not be together. At my age I am not willing to give up all that we have built I am not about to start over again to struggle through. I don't feel like I get any responce from him when I share what I am feeeling his responces are very short and reveal nothing about how he feels when I say the things I just said. It gets to feeling like I am the only one here. Both MCs have said they have confidence that he will get it and come through for me he is a very intelligent charming man. It is very clear to everyone that he loves me very much and that we are a great team in all other areas of our life. That's great the only one that has lost everything they wanted and loved is me and I guess that is just not important enough so once again I have to give up and surrender to someone else's choices and live the life they want to live in less I am willing to start all over again somewhere else. I wish life would just be over the sooner the better. I can not see myself being happy with anything. We will have a good marriage not the great one I was working toward but there is no thrill or excitement in it at all. Sorry I guess I just went off. (I can not even open my heart to another pet in the household I feel so empty) I am confused and still so deeply hurt. There is a big black hole and there is nothing that can be done about it.

[BetrayedH]

If he's not truly remorseful, you shouldn't stay together. That's my $.02

 

Your pain is also palpable to me. I remember those thoughts about everything you wanted from life being over.

 

It's been over 3 years since Dday for me. It's almost 2 years since my divorce. I can tell you that while I will never be the same, my self-esteem has returned and I do have dreams again. It does get better. But it starts with taking a stand.

[Steen719]

BetrayedH is right. Your H needs to feel authentic remorse for what he did or there can be no healing. You will feel better. I remember thinking I would never feel enjoyment again. In October, it will be 3 years divorced for me. Infidelity rocked my world and the residuals will be with me always. But you will start feeling better and eventually find happiness in some ways. I know it seems impossible now, but you will feel better. I think sometimes people make the mistake of thinking that feeling better should happen right away. It takes time, time, time and doing the right things for yourself.

 

Find a good friend and talk about it. Continue to go to counseling and be sure to have one for yourself that you can talk to. Eat right, get enough sleep and make decisions about what you will or will not accept in your life. Then, he must make you believe that is also what he wants and show you in every way that he is willing to work towards the common goal of staying together. If he doesn't do that, there is your answer.

 

Either way, you will not feel as desperately sad as you do today. You will feel better than you do right now. Really. I hung on to that when people who had been through it told me that. They were right. Big HUGS your way.

[oldshirt]

As I read your post some things are really jumping out at me. One is you sound like you may have some actual clinical depression (very understandable given the situation) and until that is addressed and treated nothing is going to make the situation any better.

 

 

The other is as the other posters have mentioned is he really doesn't sound like he understands the damage that has occurred, nor does he really feel much remorse, nor is he doing much to try to repair the damage.

 

 

Another thing that is striking me is your tone of helplessness, despair and that you have no other options other than suffering and misery. Those could well be tied in to your depression and if your depression is treated the black cloud of hopelessness may very well be lifted as well.

 

 

Feelings of hopelessness and that all is lost and that you have no other options and no other avenues towards a happy and rewarding life are common in the early stages of discovery, they are completely false and inaccurate feelings. You have a world of options and you are in fact able to determine the vast majority of your own health, happiness and wellbeing.

 

 

Your post and your prior posts have been much about your current feelings of despair but there's not much about the details or events of your marriage or of the infidelity. Please provide us with some more details and chronologies and perhaps we will be able to share some more pertinent advise and support. Please fill in some gaps on your backstory -

 

 

what are your ages?

 

 

how long have you been together/married?

 

 

Children? ages?

 

 

How was your marriage and how did he treat you AND OTHER PEOPLE prior to the affair?

 

 

Why was he in prison and for how long?

 

 

Any other criminal or dishonest or abusive or creepy acts that he was caught or sentenced for?

 

 

Any other incidents of infidelity or abusive or neglectful behavior prior to the affair?

 

 

And finally what are the events and timelines leading up to the affair itself?

 

 

How did you find out about the affair? did he confess or was he caught or did someone else rat him out to you?

 

 

What has he done since DDay? Other than saying, "I'm sorry" what has he DONE (as in actions, not words) that indicates he is truly remorseful and wants to fix and remain in the marriage as a faithful husband?

 

 

Answer these questions and we will be better prepared to offer some insight and nonprofessional and nontherapeutic advice.

[harrybrown]

It takes a long time to get over the pain. It hurts and is all consuming.

 

You do need help to work thru this. You can not sweep it under the rug.

 

If your H is truly remorseful, then you can try to R.

 

However, if he is not, you would be better to end it now.

 

You do need IC and MC if he is in this for the long haul.

 

But you need the IC to help find a way to deal with the pain.

 

So sorry.

[xtymorgan]

I'm right there with you. I'm still in the throws of a divorce due to my husband's love affair with another woman. He moved out in April and I've still been letting him come around 2-3 nights a week just because I can't let go. DESPITE the fact that he's CLEARLY in love with her.

 

Every day I wake up and have to realize all over again that I'm waking up in an empty bed, to an empty house (well, I have two teenage daughters, but you know what I mean - the house still feels empty without him) and I have to grieve all over again.

 

I grieve for the past we shared. We've been together almost 12 years and our 8 year wedding anniversary will be next month. We have SO MANY great memories that I just can't quit thinking about. He raised my girls since they were two years old and was more of a father to them than their real dad.

 

I grieve for the present. The pain of knowing that the love of my life, is in love with someone else. The pain of knowing that he's with her nearly every day, probably making love to her (although he stupidly denies it). The pain of seeing him but knowing that he'll probably never come back home.

 

I grieve for the future. All of the plans we had for our future. Teaching the girls to drive this year, walking them down the aisle. Growing old together. It's just so painful knowing that the future is not going to be as I imagined.

 

Yes, you do sound severely depressed to me and it's no wonder. You definitely need counseling, maybe medication. You've been through a lot and it's going to be a long, hard road until you can finally begin to heal. But the first step is to start to move on with your life. You can't heal while you're still suffering and stuck in the present pain and the thoughts of the past and broken future.

 

I need to take my own advice, I know. But I thought maybe it might help to know you're not the only one who is facing this deep amount of pain. There are others out there which is what makes this site so helpful. I was referred here by a friend just yesterday and I've been on here for hours since then just because it's helpful to read others' stories and get their unbiased feedback.

 

Hope this helps, if even just a tad.

 

Best of luck.

[tornapart2002]

I'm a very black and white person too.

 

I feel so much of what you feel right now.

 

It's gotten better for me over the months, but the emotions are still there...as raw sometimes as yours are right now.

 

I feel like I have PTSD a lot after this. I'm afraid of things I didn't used to be. I hide away in my house. I feel like the whole town is talking about me and our situation.

 

It's been very hard.

 

I hope your husband is trying to help you heal. Mine is.But sometimes even that doesn't feel like enough.

 

I have not posted much or said much but I am at a point where I need to make a change. I am in IC and about to address PTSD that was brought back into my life when WH disclosed his infidelity.

I am so deeply hurt, not a day goes by that I am not in tears one way or another about everything that has been lost. I am still discovering things that have been lost that I had not thought of before. This brings on a whole new bout of grieving.

We had talked in the beginning about the value of marriage fidelity being one of those issues he was so very much concerned with and wanted between us. So while he did some prison time I was completely faithful (even if he would not have found out) I was true to my marriage every step of the way. Then I became sick and needed surgeries several and the pills and pain made sex very painful and I was not interested. There was so many other things that had gone on but he then became abusive.

We worked on that and everything seemed ok. Finally the last surgery was coming up and his new business put him into the home of someone that could care less that he was married he was vulnerable and went for it. So there I was completely in the dark talking about our anniversary and how it is a mile stone for the both of us and the ability to walk again with out aids and I would be the pills I had never been so happy in all my life. I was feeling like the end of our struggles were coming to an end and the glow of happiness surrounded me as never ever I had ever felt in my whole life. Until he came home and it was all destroyed just like that. I will never have the faithful husband I wanted and he can never be a faithful husband yes black and white thinking the fact that I am even here means I am dealing with gray area. How do I let go of that? I loved my ring it is nothing more that a broken promise it shames me to wear. I will never feel good enough I will never be his one and only. Oh yeah the rose colored glasses are off but that still does not help the facts are if you take off the glasses to face what has happened you don't go putting them back on and plan for a future of what can be now. What do I get now? what do we have now? He says if I can't find new dreams to replace the ones I had I am being short sited. I am so resentful that I can not have the things i want out of life that I have worked for. as it is I have struggled for so many years before him during him and now this right before the dream could find wings that it has crushed my heart. Self esteem what is that? The demons of my past have returned with a vengeance and he refers to that anytime I have questions or a problem with him. He can not do the things I want him to do he just don't get it. He is so sorry wants to move forward but continues to do, say things without thinking that hurt. Yes I could let it go move forward give him a pass and go one and "Be Happy." But then why should I let him off the hook when he has not done the things I have asked of him and he continues to do things that upset me. If the shoe was on the other foot we would not be together. At my age I am not willing to give up all that we have built I am not about to start over again to struggle through. I don't feel like I get any responce from him when I share what I am feeeling his responces are very short and reveal nothing about how he feels when I say the things I just said. It gets to feeling like I am the only one here. Both MCs have said they have confidence that he will get it and come through for me he is a very intelligent charming man. It is very clear to everyone that he loves me very much and that we are a great team in all other areas of our life. That's great the only one that has lost everything they wanted and loved is me and I guess that is just not important enough so once again I have to give up and surrender to someone else's choices and live the life they want to live in less I am willing to start all over again somewhere else. I wish life would just be over the sooner the better. I can not see myself being happy with anything. We will have a good marriage not the great one I was working toward but there is no thrill or excitement in it at all. Sorry I guess I just went off. (I can not even open my heart to another pet in the household I feel so empty) I am confused and still so deeply hurt. There is a big black hole and there is nothing that can be done about it.