Why [does a betrayed spouse reconcile with a cheating spouse]?

[Leigh 87]

Leigh 87 and others

 

Just for clarification sakes - cheating does not just mean sex, or love AND sex, or even sex at all. Emotional affairs, sexing, etc.... and all sort of other hidden relationships outside of the primary marriage....can be very imitate and considered cheating by most married folks.

 

 

 

That is a good point.

 

My ex sexted women, went online and created an adult dating profile.. talked dirty to women, told them he would meet them but never followed through...

 

ANY form of cheating is a deal breaker for me. If my I caught my boyfriend so much as sexting or talking dirty to strangers online I would not hesitate to dump him.

 

I am seeing the flip side of the coin now, in people that DO NOT have a "zero tolerance for cheating policy". I can see that there are exceptions; 20 year marriages for instance, that are otherwise wonderful, seem like worth fighting for IF the marriage is otherwise wonderful. And IF the man is going above and behold to WANT to make it up to me....

 

I still don't think I could get past cheating. I would have to be older, over 50, and in a 20 plus year marriage where I desperately WANT that man to be with me on my death bed or vice versa.

 

Right now? HELL no! And it would be CRAZY for a woman my age, 27, to even CONSIDER staying with a cheater. A ten year relationship from now? Hell no would I stay with them. a 20 year marriage from now? I cannot say whether or not I would stay with a cheater. That is a lot of time and I can definitely see WHY a person would want to cling on to that history, if the relationship is otherwise good....

 

I still think there is a HIGH chance that I couldn't forgive cheating in ANY circumstance, UNLESS I was an older lady and needed my companion and it seemed like we were both too old to go out and find a new partner.

 

I am a positive person and love life; the thought of simply being healthy, having the ability to make some decent friends, and my passion for travel are all MORE than enough to keep me very content without having to fight for a relationship after cheating has occurred. I also get tremendous love from pets.... that, friends and a full life to me FAR outweigh the need to stick a partnership out after cheating has occurred. I would desire a new life partner eventually as I don't enjoy casual sex and prefer to stay sexless for years (as I have done most of my adult life when I have not been in relationships).

 

But yeah, as I said above... unless I was "old", I would likely want to try to move on in life with a new partner who may not cheat on me, since I am generally a happy person without a relationship.

 

It seems like a lot of people indeed stay in the marriage/relationship once cheating is involved.

[Leigh 87]

I used to think mostly the same as this. Then two things happened. One, my husband had an affair. And then I learned all about why affairs happen and the psych underpinnings of it all.

 

Which pretty much invalidates everything you said above.

 

But are you SURE.. without a doubt, that your husband could meet "the one", that one woman he simply is far more in love with than any other woman he has ever been in a relationship with?

 

So many people don't wait for that one person that they are crazy about.

 

Most people grow to love their partners slowly, they don't feel crazy sparks or very excited when they first meet; they grow to love one another through mutual respect and admiration.

 

Have you ever met a couple where sparks flew from date one? Where they were both smitten from the start, and they ended up actually becoming best friends who had similar values, and who happened to share that "crazy in love" feeling?

 

I feel THOSE couples are less likely to have affairs because the instant chemistry and connection PLUS the staying power (a friendship, admiration and respect) are ALSO there in spades...

 

How can you be SURE that you husband would have had the affair on ANY woman he happened to marry?

 

I could never shut my head up....if I were in your predicament.

 

 

It would be awesome to think that we have such a good "picker" that we can control other people. That we can heal psychological issues that occurred long before we even met our spouses.

 

But. Well. Notsomuch.

 

I hope you have found peace and love in your marriage, I hope it all worked out for the best and that you feel content, safe and secure within your relationship.

[Leigh 87]

Speaking in just a relationship term, for me I could not do it.

 

My trust had been betrayed and the dynamic was forever changed. The thought she had been away with some.other guy and then coming back to me. That never leaves you.

 

If they loved you, they would not love another.

 

 

 

Yes.... The thought of first meeting my boyfriend, thinking how crazy about me he was, how smitten we both were.....

 

Thinking of being his one and only for years would be TARNISHED if he cheated. The foundation for me being secure and content in the first place would be shattered, as feeling like I am the only woman he has eyes for is paramount.... for me..

 

Sure he can look at porn and have the odd fantasy.

 

I would just not be able to feel the same way about HIM; we would have a watered down, lesser intense love between us.

[waterwoman]

Leigh, yes I have asked myself all the hard questions, over and over again. Still do. And maybe I always will. I still have bad times. But I am in one of those long marriages you refer to which had been really good until a year or so before the affair. The only thing that would have stopped me in my tracks would have been a reluctant WS. A WS who moped, seemed uncertain or half-arsed. H wasn't, quite the contrary. So all things being equal it made sense to at least make the attempt.

 

You asked for a simple answer. I gave it.

[veritas lux mea]

Situations vary so greatly there is no simple answer most of the time. My BH has the stance that 0% tolerance means active ongoing behaviour is not allowed. He doesn't believe the whole marriage is over when one voew is broken. My cheating was in the "for worse" catagory. But he isn't actually held by the vows and neither am I. Our relationship is a daily choice. And as we cannot have kids and he gave that up for me. We would both be financially comfortable without each other and he would have no trouble finding a new woman I know he forgave me and gave me a second chance because he wants me and loves me. And not with a desperate hope I will change but with seeing my A was not the behaviour of a seriel cheater and that it is over.

[HermioneG]

Yes.... The thought of first meeting my boyfriend, thinking how crazy about me he was, how smitten we both were.....

 

Thinking of being his one and only for years would be TARNISHED if he cheated. The foundation for me being secure and content in the first place would be shattered, as feeling like I am the only woman he has eyes for is paramount.... for me..

 

Sure he can look at porn and have the odd fantasy.

 

I would just not be able to feel the same way about HIM; we would have a watered down, lesser intense love between us.

 

I totally respect that.

 

Just as I assume that you respect that those of is with the experience of it, who also said exactly what you said above, have learned that reality, when it came to it, was very different than theory.

 

If my love and life was a watered down version- then I would be out of the marriage.

 

But through this mess ( which was over 5 years ago)- out relationship is solid, and happy, and my love for this flawed person, and his for me, is exactly what I want in my life.

[HermioneG]

I hope you have found peace and love in your marriage, I hope it all worked out for the best and that you feel content, safe and secure within your relationship.

 

I do.

 

Utterly so.

 

Why else would I be with him? His cheating was not about the marriage, not was it about me. And in the end, that's the most common storyline of infidelity. Broken people making choices reflective of their broken coping skills.

[fellini]

I still don't think I could get past cheating. I would have to be older, over 50, and in a 20 plus year marriage where I desperately WANT that man to be with me on my death bed or vice versa.

 

Right now? HELL no! And it would be CRAZY for a woman my age, 27, to even CONSIDER staying with a cheater.

 

I believe you. And I believe that for you it will be a deal breaker for any man that does it to you.

 

And it will remain a deal breaker until it is you having an affair, and asking for a second chance. You are only 27, so the men in your life are in their sexual prime. When you are in your sexual prime - which comes after men, and the men you date are no longer in that phase, you might, just might, find the tables have turned.

[JohnM]

So what, when you are in your "sexual prime" your likelihood of cheating increases increases? Doesn't mean that your morals change.

[Bernief]

Hi Guys,

 

I feel for every one of you that is [betrayed].

 

I am absolutely not trying to undermine you and I respect your decisions to do as you wish with your marriages; stay, leave it is YOUR prerogative and frankly, not my business or place to judge.... but.. Look, I just have to ask you this.

 

Why do you take back someone who cheats?

 

I don't want a complicated answer, I just want the most straight forward and honest thing that comes to mind. Why?

 

How can you?

 

Wouldn't you be happier with a new partner one day who didn't cheat?

 

Thanks in advance....

 

This may not be an answer you want but here goes. There are many ways of cheating, I assume your speaking of a sexual kind, but there are emotional and mental "cheats" too. I was the emotional to a small extent and a mental cheat to a larger extent.

 

I felt abandoned in my marrige, my wife took up with motherhood and just seemed to leave me behind. I told her on several occasions that I needed to feel loved and didn't get a positive reply.

 

I'm at fault because I didn't make her hear me and she is for putting me in that spot, and when I did tell her she brushed it all off like it wasn't important. Well now it's important and althought we are still together she is hurting greatly.

 

She kept me because she realizes that blame is a 2 way street and of course because I never met the lady I was chatting with.

[janedoe67]

There are, in fact, many types of "adultery." Sexual, physical, emotional, mental, financial, pornographic, virtual, gaming, even sports.....if you think about it, anytime we are "leaving" our spouse, to whom we are supposed to be the most committed, and replacing him or her with something else, we are betraying them in a sense. When a man or woman spends and hides and gambles and the house is auctioned, that is a terrible betrayal. When a man gets off to porn while his lonely and willing wife waits in bed night after night, that is a betrayal. When a woman chooses to forget she is a wife just because she is not also a mother, that is a betrayal. When a man lays on the couch for a year after losing a job and refuses to provide for his family, that is a betrayal.

 

Cheating by sex just gets the most air time.

[Leigh 87]

I believe you. And I believe that for you it will be a deal breaker for any man that does it to you.

 

And it will remain a deal breaker until it is you having an affair, and asking for a second chance. You are only 27, so the men in your life are in their sexual prime. When you are in your sexual prime - which comes after men, and the men you date are no longer in that phase, you might, just might, find the tables have turned.

 

 

 

I won't EVER want to get naked for another man when I am in a RELATIONSHIP.

 

Not all of us are low life's. We can actually keep our sexual urges at bay and, you know, actually end relationships where there is much to be desired BEFORE cheating.

 

People who cheat are crappy people. They can change though into less crappy people if they want to badly enough.

 

I highly... highly doubt I will ever cheat... I know what it's llike to feel extremely close to a partner.... and it isn't worth staying with them if you just arent happy in the relationship. I wouldn't WANT a second chance if say, I totally change and manage to cheat in some paralel universe. ....

[fellini]

So what, when you are in your "sexual prime" your likelihood of cheating increases increases? Doesn't mean that your morals change.

 

No, of course morals dont change. There must be a better explanation for every time someone comes onto LS, and every single book on Infidelity confirms that many or most people who betray their spouses Never ever ever ever ever believed they would do it.

 

Must be they were born cheaters. There is no evolution, just black and white?

[fellini]

I won't EVER want to get naked for another man when I am in a RELATIONSHIP.

 

Not all of us are low life's. We can actually keep our sexual urges at bay and, you know, actually end relationships where there is much to be desired BEFORE cheating.

 

People who cheat are crappy people. They can change though into less crappy people if they want to badly enough.

 

I highly... highly doubt I will ever cheat... I know what it's llike to feel extremely close to a partner.... and it isn't worth staying with them if you just arent happy in the relationship. I wouldn't WANT a second chance if say, I totally change and manage to cheat in some paralel universe. ....

 

IN that declaration you are by no means unique. If you want to get a glimpse of reality, read through LS or have a look at Michelle Langley's website. You are very much too young to know where this change COULD come from. You are in no way immune to a radical shift in values in spite of what you believe in your heart of hearts today.

 

Are you going to cheat: that's completely up to you.

Will you always hold these values about your primary relationship. Doubtful, because your idea of relationships will affect your ideas of marriage, and both are based on two equally participating persons.

 

Everything you have said has been said by a thousand women who later cheated on there husbands of 10 plus years. Its going to take more than your resolute position on monogamy, maybe you will learn enough in LS to build a safe wall, maybe not.

 

Only time will tell if you vome back here in 8, 10, or 25 years starting a post "If anyone had told me I would be in here asking for advice I would have said ...."

[Bishop556]

Because life is not simple. Emotions run high, people want to be loved and they believe their ex is not the person they presented themselves as. And I have to agree, nothing is black and white. I took my ex back when she admitted to having feelings for another man. I thought the relationship could be salvaged. I do not regret doing so, as I learned the meaning of true forgiveness. However, knowing what she did with him after she left me, I probably will not do the same for someone else.