LostOnes05 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 After being in a 5 year relationship and being dumped after she lied and cheated, some of my buddies suggested online dating. So I recently gave it a shot. Although I have not been very successful, I did manage to meet one person. I am very nice according to everyone that has met me, and I am in great shape. So we began to talk everyday, on the phone, on Skype and I would get these good morning messages EVERY morning. Over the next two months we talked about basically everything under the sun, which pleased her because she verbalized her comfort level with me, how she could see us together, how I was different than the other guys she has dated and really wanted to meet me when I return home from school. She is one of those girls that likes to talk every day. However, about a week before I came home, she stated that she would have to go home for the summer (about a 4 hour drive from where I live), to which I replied was no problem for me. This made her very happy and we made plans to hang out when I came home. So, our first meeting was at a bar with her friend and some random guy her friend had met. It was a bit awkward for me because she had an injury and she seemed more interested in everything else except for me. We danced a little bit but she never wanted to go sit down and talk (which I took as a red flag). When I got home that night she sent me a text apologizing for her attitude and that she really wanted to see me again. So the next week I tried to set up a date on Thursday, to which she agreed. When time came for the date she sent me a text to Skype and basically flaked on the date because she wanted to finish her going away present for her friend. I was not keen on rescheduling but I said how about tomorrow and she agreed. Later on that day I sent a text to see if she wanted to meet up on Friday and Saturday night before she left. She gave me the excuse that it was going to be mostly people from her school to which I replied, "what does that have to do with me seeing you?". So needless to say I was a bit perturbed and sent her a text basically outlining that what she said was counter to her actions and behavior towards me. She kept saying she was afraid of how I made her feel and that she felt very strongly about me. Then she hit me with the "I don't want to do distance and I didn't know how to tell you/ let's be friends speech" to which I said thanks for making the decision for me. This after we had talked about communication ad nauseum. I asked why she would refer to us as "we" and then make a "me" decision without even asking me how I felt about it. I was ready to write her off and we didn't speak for 2 days. I felt pretty bad not because of the conversation that we had about her being dishonest and flakey but because I actually missed talking to her everyday. I also didn't want to be like the a lot of the other men in her life and just disappear because things weren't going my way or I got what I wanted and didn't care anymore. When I finally decided to reply to her last text, I relayed this to her and she still wanted to talk. However, the good morning texts have all but stopped and it seems as if I am putting more effort than it is worth into this girl. It's as if she is pushing me further and further away but it is weird because she displayed and verbalized feelings for me first and now is able to just turn it off. Should I keep in contact? Should I pull back and see how she responds? How long should I wait if at all? I think that she has potential but I feel that she may be keeping me around as a pen pal, someone she can relay problems and situations to when SHE feels like it. Thanks for the advice good people!
Mrin Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 Ya. This sounds like the classic OLD buildup only to find there was no chemistry She's not into you. I would just cut her out of your life and move on. 2
Author LostOnes05 Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 That's just it. There is a ton of chemistry. We get along great when she isn't taking the initiative to push me away from her. In a lot of our conversations, she would say I don't know what you see in me [given her past] but I told her that i cared about her and that the 4 hr distance was a cope out. Because for me, if you care enough about a person or goal in your life, it doesn't matter if the person or thing is in Antarctica or Mt. Kilimanjaro, you will pursue them. There may also be the fact that I am the first "nice guy" (hate that term) that she has come across in a while and her being used to destructive and short relationships.
Assasda Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 Seems like you got needy. She sensec that, didnt want you around anymore. Move on man, Date other women. SHe already told you, the "I just want to be friends" you dont need to hear anything else. Move on, No Contact
Author LostOnes05 Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 Seems like you got needy. She sensec that, didnt want you around anymore. Move on man, Date other women. SHe already told you, the "I just want to be friends" you dont need to hear anything else. Move on, No Contact I wasn't needy in the least. She verbalized feelings for me first, to which I reciprocated. However, I'm not the type to just turn on and off feelings. I think that is extremely fake, which is what i told her. In fact, when i told it was best we didn't talk and goodbye she was against it. So that's why I'm confused. So you think falling off the face of the earth would be the best option?
Dallers Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 One thing you will quickly understand about Online Dating is that it is a numbers game. Rarely is there ever just one person. We all find this out quite quickly and you will too. There are so many fake people Online it is scary and there are even more looking just for attention rather than an actual date. What you want to do is set yourself some rules. For instance I put all of my effort into one day, I do not allow it to reach a second day as I go in for the kill and see if she is interested or wasting my time. This cuts down my chances with girls who want to chat for longer but I take that risk because life is too short and as it is just text you either want to go on a date or you do not. Do not waste anymore time on this girl go back to your matches and pick another.
d0nnivain Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 She said she doesn't want to do the distance thing. I'd let her go for the summer. Leave it as if you come back, get in touch then, but make it clear that ball is squarely in her court. Now get back out there. . .
angel.eyes Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 I asked why she would refer to us as "we" and then make a "me" decision without even asking me how I felt about it. First, there is no "we" after a single date. You get to decide for yourself whether you want to see her again (and she gets to make her own decision). Unless, you both want to see each other, there will be no second date...as you're discovering. How much time was spent chatting prior to meeting is totally irrelevant. It's actually meeting that starts the ball rolling. That's just it. There is a ton of chemistry. We get along great when she isn't taking the initiative to push me away from her. -BUT- This made her very happy and we made plans to hang out when I came home. So, our first meeting was at a bar with her friend and some random guy her friend had met. It was a bit awkward for me because she had an injury and she seemed more interested in everything else except for me. We danced a little bit but she never wanted to go sit down and talk (which I took as a red flag). When I got home that night she sent me a text apologizing for her attitude and that she really wanted to see me again. Second, while there was great chemistry from your perspective, her actions suggest she felt otherwise once you finally met. She minimized the time spent alone with you on the date, and she has avoided meeting you in person ever since. You made a connection virtually, but seem to have had zero in-person chemistry from her perspective. She would like to continue the friendship you began, but it's just platonic. I would move on since you are looking for more than platonic friendship. Next time plan to meet quickly rather than spending protracted time online and on the phone/skype. That's pretty pointless, generally speaking.
Author LostOnes05 Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 Hey guys, I definitely appreciate the honesty. I will cut off contact, which I actually hate doing with people (never liked burning bridges). But I guess it must be done. The reason I didn't want to was because of her bad past relationships and her lack of trust in guys. I figured at the very least I could reaffirm that my end game was not just to get in her pants but have an actual relationship. But I definitely see where you guys are coming from and I will man up and cut off contact with her like she has the plague. I'm new on here, (27 yrs old and have only had one girlfriend in my life) so this advice really helps me out. Anyone own a dictionary on womanese?! Lol, thanks again my good people!
d0nnivain Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 You don't have to act like she has the plague. Your intincts to be polite are good. Tell her goodbye & that you are giving her what she has expressed that she wants. No LDR. Wish her well then go on your way. The high road is always the better option. 2
Author LostOnes05 Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 You don't have to act like she has the plague. Your intincts to be polite are good. Tell her goodbye & that you are giving her what she has expressed that she wants. No LDR. Wish her well then go on your way. The high road is always the better option. Thanks for your input donnivain. Would you be against sending a happy birthday text, as her birthday is in a few weeks or not initiate any contact at all? Or would it rely on if she tried to continue communication with me. Just curious about your thoughts.
organizedchaos Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Thanks for your input donnivain. Would you be against sending a happy birthday text, as her birthday is in a few weeks or not initiate any contact at all? Or would it rely on if she tried to continue communication with me. Just curious about your thoughts. You know, this is generally reserved for people who've actually been in a relationship that ended, but seems like you need it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Thanks for your input donnivain. Would you be against sending a happy birthday text, as her birthday is in a few weeks or not initiate any contact at all? Or would it rely on if she tried to continue communication with me. Just curious about your thoughts. If the point is to see what happens so level of communication is required. Let me just make sure I understand. Her 5 year relationship ended. She met you & you seemed to get along great with lots of contact. Then she cooled. It turns out she's going away for a few months & doesn't want to do the distance thing. You still like her & don't know what to do now? I said let her go & see if she comes back. Some contact while she's gone is a good idea under those circumstances. A b-day text is almost a must. If you truly want to stand out from everyone else, I'd get her address & send an actual snail mail birthday card. Nothing mushy . . . just a friendly happy birthday. While she's away keep your options open & do date other people. See what happens when she's back. Nothing ventured, nothing gained All of this may be an elaborate ruse because she may still be grieving the loss of her 5 year relationship but I think in the limited way described above you have nothing to lose by trying.
Author LostOnes05 Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 If the point is to see what happens so level of communication is required. Let me just make sure I understand. Her 5 year relationship ended. She met you & you seemed to get along great with lots of contact. Then she cooled. It turns out she's going away for a few months & doesn't want to do the distance thing. You still like her & don't know what to do now? I said let her go & see if she comes back. Some contact while she's gone is a good idea under those circumstances. A b-day text is almost a must. If you truly want to stand out from everyone else, I'd get her address & send an actual snail mail birthday card. Nothing mushy . . . just a friendly happy birthday. While she's away keep your options open & do date other people. See what happens when she's back. Nothing ventured, nothing gained All of this may be an elaborate ruse because she may still be grieving the loss of her 5 year relationship but I think in the limited way described above you have nothing to lose by trying. Haha, no. Actually it was me that was in the 5 yr relationship. I've been single for 2 years though. Thanks for the advice.
d0nnivain Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 My advice stands. Send the birthday card. It will differentiate you from other guys.
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