Do some men know what real love is? I'm so hurt

[alexa137]

My main question is: what hurts a man? it doesnt seem possible at least not in my lifetime of dating/relationships. I have posted a few other issues with the man that i was dating for 15 months and we broke up a month ago, he was cheating. he was very cold hearted, mean, just rude and ignorant and lied and i found all this out recently.

 

How can a man that tells you he loves you and cares for you and wants to take to next level and then all of sudden change up? i just dont get it! he ignored me 2 days no calls no texts and lied saying we would work on our relationship after we work on my health( i was diagnosed with breast cancer in feb) he was with me through it all til 1 week after my surgery, which is fine now and im good) then he kinda went MIA,he lied about another woman but then i caught them together.

 

[His] last words were its over, he said the same and told me he was only with me til i got through my issue, which i was completely done yet, still going through some things, but my last words were " thats not love" thats not how you treat someone you supposedly said you loved and cared for for over a year! I know karma etc with get him because the woman he "messing" with now, lives 400 miles away and didnt not care about our relationship and said she wasnt a threat. I guess im just hoping for the karma to get him good, but I dont feel that he is hurt.

 

Sometimes i wonder where and what went wrong( other than insecurities) we agreed to work on that. I dont think i have ever hurt a mans feelings and was just wondering what does. I mean probably not like I will ever talk to him again, its been 2 weeks, but what does a man think after talking to the same woman(me) everyday 4 or 5 times a day and seeing each other 2-3 times a week to absolutely nothing! its been 3 weeks, did have a brief email about returning items but he hasnt responded in over a week and Im not about to go nowhere near his town or apt to pick up nothing! he disgusts me right now! but im not gonna lie it does hurt alot!

Edited May 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and remove name

[Elle1975]

It's a gender based stereotype.. Sure, they do.. women do too.. different ways to communicate.. etc...

 

Not all men are jerks, not all women are superficial.. etc...

[hoping2heal]

It sounds like the guy guilted himself into staying with you because you had breast cancer, but didn't actually want to be with you...so he cheated on you with the woman he did want and when he thought you were through the thick of it, he bailed. I'm sure in his head he was "doing the right thing" and felt like he didn't want to be "that guy" who left a girl going through cancer..I don't agree with his decision by the way. You didn't need pity and infidelity to add to what you were already enduring. That said, you're fooling yourself to think attempts to hurt him are going to make you feel better. Lowering yourself like that is not going to build you back up. You dated a bum guy, and that sucks but don't hurt yourself further by trying to hurt others.

[lauri]

I know what true love is.

 

True love isn't a feel but an action. I think we sometimes confuse the two - true love is unconditional and you'll do anything to make it work with the person you are involved with.

 

I'm sorry you are in pain and that you have gone through everything you have.

[jbelle6]

I don't condone cheating but I truly think this guy did his best to be there for you even at the expense of his own feelings. If you weren't ill he could have walked earlier without all the cheating etc but he probably felt too horrible to do that.

 

I'm sorry you are going through all of this but I think you should work on a way to forgive him in your heart, for YOU. Carrying anger and hate is no way to live. My ex said he wanted to marry me then dumped me 2 days later, but I still don't think he's a terrible man, feelings are just strange things and we can help them sometimes.

 

And women can be very very cold and cruel as can men. It's certainly not gender specific.

[Keenly]

You just have to pick the men better. Empathetic and compassionate men exist, they just will not be what usually gets woman as the overconfident loud and sometimes arrogant guy that stereotypically gets all the ladies.

 

 

 

trust me , they are there. If you know how to look for them, they are there.

[alexa137]

and to think i thought he was the one and we were about to take it to the next level..just sucks because after 28 years of dating and many different kinds of relationships( really only 3 serious all together) im 44 and still not even close!

so many questions unanswered, just dont understand how a man can you tell you he loves you everyday for 13-14 months and then no contact for 1 month! like nothing was between is when clearly there was! i think the chic he was cheating on me with was just a fling you know because she lives 600 miles away and she didnt care about our relationship, she said in a facebook message she wasnt a threat and to my face that she didnt care, probably just a slut or whatever. its just so hard and i mean extremely hard when the person who was there for you through many life issues, my moms death, moving parents house, his grandmothers death and my cancer, just decides to give up. And this guy was the first guy to tell me he loved me, so thats a big thing im really trying to deal with, the fact that we have had no contact in 3 weeks makes it a little bit easier, but the lying and wondering etc, the memories the thoughts dont ever leave ugh its difficult

[I'mOldgreg]

I can't really comment on the situation as it seems very complex, it does seem strange that he would go through all that and then just leave unexpectedly. As a previous poster said maybe he stayed with you to help you get better not wanting to leave you when you were sick. But you became sick 3 months ago so he was with you for 11 months before that, so that time together was not out of support for your illness. Maybe the illness so early in the relationship scared him.

 

But you cant just categorize all men as feeling less monsters that can turn it on and off when it suits them, every person and situation is different, if you've been dating for 28 years and still have had no long term success you need to re-evaluate your choice of partner to see if you choose people that are likely to hurt you.

 

But that said the situation is complicated and maybe beyond my experience or understanding to really offer advice. But men do hurt, believe me.

[d0nnivain]

I didn't meet my husband until I was 39. Just because you are 44 don't give up hope.

 

Of course men feel love & loss. They express it differently but it's there.

 

This guy just wasn't your true love.

 

Look for good guys who exhibit good traits. Most of the men I know are good guys -- loyal, deeply committed, funny, smart (not necessarily book smart or well educated) & genuine. Maybe I am an anomoly because other women I know have commented that when they meet my buddies, they are all good guys. Even the married ones have proper boundaries; they may be flirty but it's obvious they love their wives.

 

Some of it is you have to give them a chance. Many of my friends & my husband were rejected as players or dogs by many women who showed up with chips on their shoulders or concluded that just because he was flirty he must be a cheater.

[jbelle6]

Look, I got dumped flat 2 weeks and 2 days ago, from seeing each other all the time and talking hours a day for a year and a half to nothing, I get it, but there's not much we can do but move on.

Not all men are d*cks and I have to admit I've done the same to others because I hate confrontation. C'est la vie.

 

His feelings could have been waning 11 months in and he could have been thinking of leaving but then he got news of your illness. I'm not a mind reader, just saying it's possible.

 

Just don't let it make you bitter to all men.

[Survivor1]

Its not just women who get hurt badly, and not just men who treat people shockingly. I'm proof of that. Check it out:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/473287-dating-alcoholic-never-again

 

Way to get over it? Accept you can't do anything to avoid pain after being hurt, and know in time you will see it as their problem, not yours. The best thing in life is meeting your life partner. He's someone who clearly isn't capable for understanding or knowing someone on that level. His loss

[hoping2heal]

and to think i thought he was the one and we were about to take it to the next level..just sucks because after 28 years of dating and many different kinds of relationships( really only 3 serious all together) im 44 and still not even close!

so many questions unanswered, just dont understand how a man can you tell you he loves you everyday for 13-14 months and then no contact for 1 month!

 

But the question has been answered, and by him no less: it was for show. He thought he was doing you some kind of favor, even if it ended up rather twisted. All relationships start out with something between two people, that doesn't mean it stays that way.

 

 

i think the chic he was cheating on me with was just a fling you know because she lives 600 miles away and she didnt care about our relationship, she said in a facebook message she wasnt a threat and to my face that she didnt care, probably just a slut or whatever.

 

Maybe she was just a fling, it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to date you. Whether there is someone else or not; he doesn't want to be with you.

 

ts just so hard and i mean extremely hard when the person who was there for you through many life issues, my moms death, moving parents house, his grandmothers death and my cancer, just decides to give up. And this guy was the first guy to tell me he loved me, so thats a big thing im really trying to deal with, the fact that we have had no contact in 3 weeks makes it a little bit easier, but the lying and wondering etc, the memories the thoughts dont ever leave ugh its difficult

 

I can only imagine. I hate hearing things like this because it's so incredibly sad and hurtful. I knew someone who did something similar to a woman and he really thought he was helping. Her sister had fallen ill, and she was struggling with work and school and he just didn't want to be the bad guy. Meanwhile he was having an emotional affair (tho not physical) with someone else, and when the sister died..once again he didn't want to break up because he felt guilty. I would say a lot more hurt was caused in the long run than if he had just been up front about when he wanted out.

 

One thing though, no one told you they loved you in 44 years? What's that about?

[loversquarrel]

Have you not read any of the numerous threads posted by heartbroken men on this website????

[learning_slowly]

I also think people can change. I'm not sure I realised what real love was until recently, even though I'd had lots of breakups. I never tried to see it from both sides before.

 

Nobody is perfect. Even if you meet somebody who seems very complimentary to you, without work it is usually easier to stray.

 

Love is not just for the butterflys, but dealing with the hassle too. People who are lazy generally try to avoid the latter.

 

You are having a hard time, but there are men out there that feel. I developed a thick skin during my younger teenage breakups, and didn't feel so much until 30. But I'm just an individual!

[stillfiguringitallou]

You need to accept this isn't and issue with "men" it is an issue with "you"

 

Now - before everyone gets mad.

 

OP I want you to go back to what you wrote about this man. About how easily and swiftly he hurt you throughout your relationship. About how you "accepted his flaws" so to speak. That is not his issue here.

 

You also say "men can not be hurt" and that you know this because it is the "case in all your relationships" which tells me you can literally NOT think of a relationship that you were the one doing the leaving, the hurting. You have never been in a relationship where the person didn't SEEM PERFECT for you.

 

And that is a problem in YOU - it's called co-dependancy. As it is just not possible to be in a relationship with "the perfect guy" every relationship you are in until it is over. The only faults you list are how poorly they treat you - and then you get hurt. (only going based on what you have said) Which sends the message that you are willing to put up with people treating you poorly and disrespecting you - rather than be alone.

 

Honey you need to do some internal work - so that the next time you get involved in a relationship you will not be willing to settle for that type of disrespect. You will not seek out the relationships with people who treat you poorly ... or accept them when they fall in your lap.

 

This is easier said than done - believable me - I know - I am STILL - in my 30's - a work in progress.

Edited May 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[No Limit]

Drop these prejudices.

 

A neighbour of mine committed suicide a few months ago, among his troubles was his ex who harassed him endlessly. He was also the one taking care of the child they had, while she refused to even see him. Since she's also pregnant by her new lover she refused to take her son after the father's death and he's now God-knows-where and due to his age (~10) most likely won't be adopted anymore.

 

A woman who could care less that she left her very own son and first child without a family, and you're saying only men can be cruel? There are black sheep everywhere, and gender plays no role in their characters.

[Natsume21]

I had a friend who said the same thing as you "Are there any good men in the world?"

 

Then she told me her history.

 

3 guys that treated her like crap, 2 married men that used her for an affair, and then there was that one guy.

 

Her most loyal friend...

 

the one that spent years sticking by her side.

 

She dated him, and then out of nowhere, dropped him cause "My ex came back and wanted another chance, and he seemed serious"

 

So she dropped the guy that was there for her callously, he ended up with severe depression and almost killed himself.

 

Trust me, things like this are not gender-specific. If anyone, women have a greater capacity to be completely and utterly detached from the situation more often than a man does.

 

Why? More options, therefore no real consequence towards the mistreatment, so it becomes more of a moral choice rather than a fear of punishment. So if we're going to GENERALIZE, then let's talk about the realities rather than completely cut off a whole group of guys. People suck in all genders.

[Woggle]

Look at all the men on here in serious pain because a woman hurt them. I know men that literally take a bullet for their women.