Dating an alcoholic: Never again

[Survivor1]

So here's my story.

 

I'm 22, and started dating this very pretty and witty girl on my course. It was my first proper relationship (late to the party I know). We got on really well and there was a natural spark. Unfortunately she is an incredibly troubled person. She is on anti-depressants following the suicide of her friend (a month before the course started). I discovered when dating she had an unbelievably low sense of self-worth. She also smoked, drank heavily and occasionally took A class drugs - which is just not me ALL. I knew from the very start that she wasn't a girl I wanted to get too close to, but I couldn't help myself and started dating anyway (schmuck that I am).

 

3-4 months I had sleepwalked into becoming incredible close to her. I tried holding back, but eventually you can't help it. She loved my quirks, and I loved hers. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. She told me that I made her really happy. Coming from a girl who struggled to express her emotions, I could tell this simple sentence meant a lot. I couldn't see much evidence psychological problems. But she had this group of friends on the course (who I didn't think much of) who she would go out clubbing with a lot. I like to club, but not with them.

 

One night, my flatmate told me that the previous night, she had gotten off with one of her guy friends (who I had seen on a previous night, was all over her) and went back to her's. I confronted her about it the next day (she didn't plan on telling me), and stormed off. She cried for an hour in the toilet afterwards, and sent me a txt saying how she really didn't want to loose me and it was a huge drunken mistake.

 

The next day, we had a huge face-to-face discussion. She was absolutely distraught at the idea of loosing me, and having hurt me. It was heartbreaking to see her like this - I could see it was a genuine mistake from someone who is frankly out of control. I pressed her over and over again, asking how I knew it wouldn't happen again. Eventually her response: "I get sad a lot, and when I get sad, I drink. I don't want to make you a promise that I'm not sure I can keep". Eventually, I just said to her that things are intense how, and we'll try pick things up after exams in the summer. She was still really upset.

 

I was generally fine over the next few days, until I saw her tagged on Facebook out in a club AGAIN, standing next to this guy. The idea of them in that environment, just a few days after it caused so much damage, really hurt. The next day when she was handing my stuff back, I told her how upset it made me. She just didn't understand at all. I went home away from university for a week, after the breakup really hit me. The agony of loosing her was unbearable, and I just felt so sorry for this tortured girl.

 

When I came back, my flatmate told me that he had heard that they had been "sleeping together" after the whole incident.

 

Its been 5 weeks since. I have had to see her in class quite a few times, which has been horrific as she knows how to put on a front. I was/am so furious I haven't spoken to her since. I'm not even sure if she knows that I know, but she can tell I'm mad.

 

Rationally, I know that whatever it is they are doing/did doesn't mean anything. Her self-esteem is crazy low and would have been rock bottom afterwards - just an attempt at validation and easing the pain. But it still hurts like crazy, and the image of it is horrific. She's really not a bad person, actually very sweet. But low-self esteem combined with alcohol is a dangerous mix that will (unintentionally) hurt anyone who is close to them.

 

I keep saying to myself, 'if only my flatmate never told me'. But in reality, hearing it has replaced much of the pain with anger, and led me to block off communication with her, so I guess, even though it hurts, it was a good thing to hear - 'the medicine always tastes bad' so they say.

 

Since we broke up, I constantly switch from anger to feeling so sorry for her that it hurts. She is totally out of control and doesn't know how to help herself. I planned for weeks to send her a long message about suggesting ways she should help herself. Over the last week, I've come to the realisation that someone else can tell her that being an alcoholic is bad for you and A class drugs are probably not the way forward. As soon as the course is over - deleting off Facebook.

 

Moral of the story? NEVER ignore the red flags (alcoholic, drugs, erratic behaviour) when you see them in a person. They will ALWAYS surface eventually in ways that hurt you.

Edited April 21, 2014 by Survivor1

[Craft81]

Yeah, I got burned pretty bad by this too, but she also had BPD.. so mixing that with her being an alcoholic is just.... a total nightmare.

 

At the time when we met, she was sober and also going through rehab, etc -- she was very truthful then with me because I didn't judge her about her past and what she did.. it was focusing on her getting better... and then she relapsed... and all hell broke loose.

 

I'd never date another alcoholic ever -- I rarely drink myself and alcoholism has run in the family skipping generations... and it never ends up well -- one of the reasons why I stay away from it.

 

Now is the time for No Contact (NC). I'm on Day 28 already -- been a rough day. Some are better than others.

[Survivor1]

Thank for the reply. So I've just researched Borderline Personality Disorder and it 100% matches up with my ex. I assumed the erratic hurtful and impulsive behaviour, the alcoholism and drugs were just conditions in themselves. But I can see how that it is part of a much wider problem.

 

Can I help her?

Having (obsessively) debriefed her 'condition' over and over again in my head for weeks, I do feel this overwhelming obligation to help/save her. I know no contact is the way to go, but I was thinking about sending a friend of her's a message saying that she HAS to get proper help for dealing with it - not just counselling, but a proper therapist. She is psychologically sick, and so her actions are not really under her control. Also, if I am the only one to recognise the BPD in her, then surely I have a duty to try?

 

On the other hand, she has treated me horrifically, and I should probably save my humanity and bleeding heart for someone else. Thoughts?

[notserene]

Thank for the reply. So I've just researched Borderline Personality Disorder and it 100% matches up with my ex. I assumed the erratic hurtful and impulsive behaviour, the alcoholism and drugs were just conditions in themselves. But I can see how that it is part of a much wider problem.

 

Can I help her?

Having (obsessively) debriefed her 'condition' over and over again in my head for weeks, I do feel this overwhelming obligation to help/save her. I know no contact is the way to go, but I was thinking about sending a friend of her's a message saying that she HAS to get proper help for dealing with it - not just counselling, but a proper therapist. She is psychologically sick, and so her actions are not really under her control. Also, if I am the only one to recognise the BPD in her, then surely I have a duty to try?

 

On the other hand, she has treated me horrifically, and I should probably save my humanity and bleeding heart for someone else. Thoughts?

 

People with psych problems or personality disorders frequently self-medicate with drugs or alcohol.

 

You can spend a lot of time encouraging the person to get help but ultimately they have to want this for themselves. People with these problems frequently don't view themselves as the problem. Everything is always someone else's fault.

 

If I were you, I might mention this to the friend but then let it go. Even if you care a lot for this woman she is going to put you on a rollercoaster that may literally make you sick to your stomach from all the stress.

[Grumpybutfun]

Thank for the reply. So I've just researched Borderline Personality Disorder and it 100% matches up with my ex. I assumed the erratic hurtful and impulsive behaviour, the alcoholism and drugs were just conditions in themselves. But I can see how that it is part of a much wider problem.

 

Can I help her?

Having (obsessively) debriefed her 'condition' over and over again in my head for weeks, I do feel this overwhelming obligation to help/save her. I know no contact is the way to go, but I was thinking about sending a friend of her's a message saying that she HAS to get proper help for dealing with it - not just counselling, but a proper therapist. She is psychologically sick, and so her actions are not really under her control. Also, if I am the only one to recognise the BPD in her, then surely I have a duty to try?

 

On the other hand, she has treated me horrifically, and I should probably save my humanity and bleeding heart for someone else. Thoughts?

 

You already know what to do here...move on. There is nothing left for you with this girl except drama and self sabotaging behavior. You are doing the right thing...depression, alcohol, drugs, etc. are pretty common for college students but she isn't doing these things out of youthful rebellion but to self medicate for symptoms of something deeper. I wouldn't want to have to be the guy to figure out what it is.

Move on, dude,

Grumps

[Trovador]

Cynical as it sounds, you should walk away and thanks Whoever you believe in for saving you from a major disaster...

 

Harsh as it might seem, everyone choose the life they want to live, you don't have anything to do there. You were one of the few good things in her life, right? and look what she did with that... walk with your head tall my friend...

 

I lived that experience long ago, but I was the problem...

 

Clean and sober for many, many years and many more to come...

[Survivor1]

Thanks for the advise. My first proper break-up so feeling pretty out of my depths here. Finally come to the conclusion that I can't do anything to help her, and any attempt to would risk my own mental health. 6 weeks until my last exam and then I'm deleting (possibly blocking) her on Facebook. Praying she doesn't txt or message me during the summer, as I would find it hard not to respond.

 

Its difficult because in my head I feel I only really understand her extreme behaviour when I really think how messed up she is, and the pain she is going through. I've tried to understand her behaviour for weeks and weeks, but I've come to the realisation that you just can't even begin to apply rational straight forward thinking to messed up people. You'll never get to a conclusion. And even when I have sorted it out in my head that I'm better off without a screwed up alcoholic who does hard core drugs (and that the guy, in reality, did me a massive favour in getting me out of that), BOOM the pain and anger comes back out of nowhere.

 

Some days still better than others though feeling much more stable. Seems to run in a cycle - get better and then a few bad days of obsessing. Slightly worried that when I go back to university (out of London), all those mad feelings will come back and destabalise me. Especially as its 3 intense weeks of exams. Just keeping my eyes on summer, when she'll really be part of my history.

 

So I've lined up a date for this Friday. Won't be anything serious in the long-run, but thought it might be good to have some female contact. Think it'll help me to move on, or mess with my head?

Edited April 28, 2014 by Survivor1

[carhill]

Moral of the story? NEVER ignore the red flags (alcoholic, drugs, erratic behaviour) when you see them in a person. They will ALWAYS surface eventually in ways that hurt you.

 

IMO, that's good advice, regardless of the choices regarding next steps for any particular person.

 

As we're all different people, those alcoholics amongst us are also unique and different, as are the connections, whether that be your dating situation, or being married to a person who becomes an alcoholic, or having an alcoholic as a family member (sibling/parent/in-law, etc, etc). The basic premise of accepting the red flags and processing them in accordance with one's own boundaries remains, even if exiting the dynamic is not the choice.

 

So far, my tally is three loved ones dead to the physical effects of alcoholism and managing those red flags with a few others with whom completely disconnecting is problematical. Like yourself, I would never knowingly date an active alcoholic. However, as interactions with my exW's new boyfriend, who's been in recovery for a couple decades demonstrates, I can see the benefits of recovery, including how he attempted to assist a mutual friend of ours (exW's and mine), unsuccessfully, who ultimately died of the disease.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience.

[Survivor1]

Ok people, hilarious update for you all. No contract for about 2 1/2 months and paying off.

 

So I messaged a girl on an online dating site, almost totally a random out of tens of thousands of girls. Her response: 'Mate you dated my best friend (ex's name). Bit awks ha'.

 

My name isn't even on my profile. How did she know? SO random!

 

Question is, do I respond? And how?

[littleplanet]

So here's my story.

 

I'm 22, and started dating this very pretty and witty girl on my course. It was my first proper relationship (late to the party I know). We got on really well and there was a natural spark. Unfortunately she is an incredibly troubled person. She is on anti-depressants following the suicide of her friend (a month before the course started). I discovered when dating she had an unbelievably low sense of self-worth. She also smoked, drank heavily and occasionally took A class drugs - which is just not me ALL. I knew from the very start that she wasn't a girl I wanted to get too close to, but I couldn't help myself and started dating anyway (schmuck that I am).

 

3-4 months I had sleepwalked into becoming incredible close to her. I tried holding back, but eventually you can't help it. She loved my quirks, and I loved hers. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. She told me that I made her really happy. Coming from a girl who struggled to express her emotions, I could tell this simple sentence meant a lot. I couldn't see much evidence psychological problems. But she had this group of friends on the course (who I didn't think much of) who she would go out clubbing with a lot. I like to club, but not with them.

 

One night, my flatmate told me that the previous night, she had gotten off with one of her guy friends (who I had seen on a previous night, was all over her) and went back to her's. I confronted her about it the next day (she didn't plan on telling me), and stormed off. She cried for an hour in the toilet afterwards, and sent me a txt saying how she really didn't want to loose me and it was a huge drunken mistake.

 

The next day, we had a huge face-to-face discussion. She was absolutely distraught at the idea of loosing me, and having hurt me. It was heartbreaking to see her like this - I could see it was a genuine mistake from someone who is frankly out of control. I pressed her over and over again, asking how I knew it wouldn't happen again. Eventually her response: "I get sad a lot, and when I get sad, I drink. I don't want to make you a promise that I'm not sure I can keep". Eventually, I just said to her that things are intense how, and we'll try pick things up after exams in the summer. She was still really upset.

 

I was generally fine over the next few days, until I saw her tagged on Facebook out in a club AGAIN, standing next to this guy. The idea of them in that environment, just a few days after it caused so much damage, really hurt. The next day when she was handing my stuff back, I told her how upset it made me. She just didn't understand at all. I went home away from university for a week, after the breakup really hit me. The agony of loosing her was unbearable, and I just felt so sorry for this tortured girl.

 

When I came back, my flatmate told me that he had heard that they had been "sleeping together" after the whole incident.

 

Its been 5 weeks since. I have had to see her in class quite a few times, which has been horrific as she knows how to put on a front. I was/am so furious I haven't spoken to her since. I'm not even sure if she knows that I know, but she can tell I'm mad.

 

Rationally, I know that whatever it is they are doing/did doesn't mean anything. Her self-esteem is crazy low and would have been rock bottom afterwards - just an attempt at validation and easing the pain. But it still hurts like crazy, and the image of it is horrific. She's really not a bad person, actually very sweet. But low-self esteem combined with alcohol is a dangerous mix that will (unintentionally) hurt anyone who is close to them.

 

I keep saying to myself, 'if only my flatmate never told me'. But in reality, hearing it has replaced much of the pain with anger, and led me to block off communication with her, so I guess, even though it hurts, it was a good thing to hear - 'the medicine always tastes bad' so they say.

 

Since we broke up, I constantly switch from anger to feeling so sorry for her that it hurts. She is totally out of control and doesn't know how to help herself. I planned for weeks to send her a long message about suggesting ways she should help herself. Over the last week, I've come to the realisation that someone else can tell her that being an alcoholic is bad for you and A class drugs are probably not the way forward. As soon as the course is over - deleting off Facebook.

 

Moral of the story? NEVER ignore the red flags (alcoholic, drugs, erratic behaviour) when you see them in a person. They will ALWAYS surface eventually in ways that hurt you.

 

You weren't really having a relationship with her, OP.

You were having a relationship with her self-meds.

 

It's a hard, hard thing to be emotionally bonded to someone who is that out of control.

They may be sweet. They may be suffering. They may be damaged. They may be many things......

but they come with a connected time bomb attached.

 

I dig the moral of your story.

You're entirely right.

The anger is easy.

The caring is tough as nails.

 

She will bring that disability into any relationship she ever has, until and unless she quits.

(which is why casual works so well for her.......)

until it doesn't.

And that could play out a long.....long time.

(I hope it doesn't!)

 

Stay strong.

If you feel too weak to fight the reality of her (in whatever way) then maintain a safe distance.

Repeat ad nauseum: You can't fix her. She has to do that.