I'mOldgreg Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) Hi, First post here, I'll keep it brief. I know a lot of people maybe use these forums to get people to tell them what they want to hear, but I am open to whatever criticism anyone has. I'll probably sound like an idiot here but here goes, I broke up with a girl 6 years ago (good god man, get over it) we went out for about 8 months, knew each other for about a year before that, it was in work, where I still work. I was in love with her, she had problems with anxiety and needed out, but it got ugly and she didn't really break up with dignity and it sucked. The olive branch of friendship was extended which I begrudgingly accepted, due to being in work it was difficult not to. This was well before I read sites like this that recommend NC to heal after a BU. I am probably a prime example of why NC is essential in a BU, I was around this girl every day for 2 years, which made me fairly ill (probably an understatement) and constantly gave me false hope, I also had to hear about new boyfriends and such which kept the wound open. It ruined my confidence and ability to get back on the horse, I haven't been in a relationship since then, few one night stands but I have an immense fear of relationships now due to this experience. Hopefully a long story short, we are genuine friends now, she was out of work long term sick with two nervous breakdowns, (I'm not painting a great picture of her here, but she is not crazy, she just was sick), I had always accepted not ever being with her and when she came back off being long term sick I was there to be her buddy. She started going out with another guy in work about a year ago and was bringing him around and I found this very hard to take, even after all the time that had passed and all she had been through. I probably still had feelings there and just was tormented seeing them together, it made me jealous and resentful, things which I am not normally in any way, and this made it worse. She knows it's a major problem for me and doesn't bring him around but I feel that i just cant ever shake the grief from years ago and move on, I am trapped. My question is, am I being a di@k by having an issue with this? especially after all this time, should i be supportive of her after all she has been through ( we are genuine friends and she has been seriously upset that it has effected me this much again)? Or should I initiate, an albeit very delayed, NC to get myself together and finally move on? Will this however make me look petty and alienate me from people in work? The logical part of me knows that what happened was perfectly understandable, even though I feel I was treated badly, but she was not really herself then. The irrational part however that governs emotions and attraction (without which there would be no loveshack forum) reels and chokes up to hear her talking about him or see that he gets the chance I never got, it blows. But I don't know if it's me being a sulky juvenile or if I have genuine grounds to be pissed. Any input is greatly appreciated, good or bad, hope this isn't too long Edited May 23, 2014 by I'mOldgreg
KaliLove Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 You're not being a dick but you are being a chump. It's been 6 years..obviously friendship will never be enough for you. Literally the ONLY thing you can do at this point is to cut this chick out of your life completely and forever. Is looking for a new job plausible at this point, or transferring to another department so you don't have to see her?
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 You can't help how you feel. However, your level of attachment to this woman is out of proportion to the brief amount of time you spent together & the amount of time you have been apart. You may need to talk to a professional. At the very least you need to find yourself a new healthy relationship.
Zahara Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 If an 8 month relationship that ended 6 years ago has affected you so much whereby you can't allow yourself to move forward, then it would be best you seek some professional help. You need to find coping skills with healing from this and ways to manage your perceptions. You are not genuine friends. There is no such thing when your "friendship" with her hurts you when seeing her with someone else. People like you hold on to being friends because that's the only way you can still have a foot in the door. You can't be friends with someone when you are emotionally attached. You need to implement NC. The longer you stay connected to her, the longer this is going to drag through. Haven't you wasted enough time already? I mean 6 years of your life over someone that isn't even yours. Time to make some bold steps.
KathyM Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 The woman is not emotionally healthy if she suffers from such severe anxiety that she's had two nervous breakdowns since you've dated her. It's high time you stopped being emotionally invested in this "friendship", and started to emotionally distance yourself from it. If you could get another job where you don't have to see her every day, that would be good. And any time you find yourself thinking about her, you actively engage in what we call "thought stopping", where you consciously divert your attention to something else so that you are not feeding these thoughts of her. You should also be actively working on your own romantic life and finding suitable dating partners, which will help you to invest your emotional energy elsewhere. If you choose to stay at this job, then keep the relationship at a business level, and refrain from socializing with her. It doesn't work to have a friendship with someone whom you are romantically interested in.
Author I'mOldgreg Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Thank's for the feedback, honest as i expected, I know it sounds crazy being attached to someone for 6 years, believe me the situation was abnormal from the start, so please don't think I've been a love sick puppy trailing in her wake for all that time. My attachment as of now is platonic, feelings of attraction are residual at most. Initially, 6 years ago, I wanted to blank everyone but was constantly guilt tripped, by her and many other co workers, in to coming back and being friends over and over again. It was ugly, I'd go missing for a day or two, people would harass me with calls and emails, I would come back get pissed off and go missing again, this cycle continued for 2 years until she went off on sick leave. I didn't do it out of spite I just wanted a clean break but couldn't get one. All this happened when I started a 6 year period of night classes for professional accountancy which meant I couldn't leave work and the stress of college 3-4 nights a week made things worse. Being around someone that you loved and said the loved you for 2 years after they dumped you screws with your head believe me. But it all sorted it's self out, till now. I have been to many councilors and on various medications so I am perfectly aware of the situation from that point of view, i've looked into limerance and other forms of infatuation but the situation isn't really driven by my attraction to her. The situation triggered a long lasting depression and that is more why I am currently upset. I have no choice but to come to work, at the moment I can't change jobs, and I have to come in and spend my time in the company of an ex and her boyfriend. The fact she's with someone isn't the issue just it's proximity to me, it's very hard to take considering all that I had done in terms of therapy to get my self back on track. I find it very hard to let people in on an emotional level and that is another reason why this is still an issue, it just reminds me of what I find almost impossible to do anyway. I'm not obsessed, just jaded from a situation that constantly saps my mojo, it's been gone a long time, not because I constantly pine for the affections of an ex but because I have been entrenched in a situation that I felt I could not evade. Hope this makes sense.
Zahara Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 My attachment as of now is platonic' date=' feelings of attraction are residual at most..[/quote'] She started going out with another guy in work about a year ago and was bringing him around and I found this very hard to take' date=' even after all the time that had passed and all she had been through. [b']I probably still had feelings there and just was tormented seeing them together, it made me jealous and resentful, things which I am not normally in any way, and this made it worse. She knows it's a major problem for me and doesn't bring him around but I feel that i just cant ever shake the grief from years ago and move on, I am trapped.[/b] My question is, am I being a di@k by having an issue with this? especially after all this time, should i be supportive of her after all she has been through? Very contradicting statements. In any case, it could be that you haven't really gotten over this because you never had the ability -- time and space -- to allow yourself to fully grieve and heal from this. If she has always been in your sights, it could possibly mean that your emotions have always been triggered, kept alive, on a slow simmer. And while you may have detached some, you've never really experienced truly letting go because she's always there to remind you of what you lost. 3
jbelle6 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I am best friends with my ex husband, we are genuinely happy for each other when we meet someone nice and will happily accommodate each other with child care, switching nights if we have dates etc. That's friends, if you are hurting by her seeing other people then you are obviously not friends. I think you should feel lucky, I am not trying to be mean but someone with such emotional problems would be extremely difficult to have a long term relationship with. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Go as low contact as you can if you cannot switch jobs. It doesn't matter what her or your friends think, life is too short to pine for 6 years over an 8 month relationship. I'm pissed at myself for even being a little sad about my ex for close to 3 weeks after our breakup and we dated a year and a half. 2
Author I'mOldgreg Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 I know I contradicted my self there, it "torments me"because my main comfort zone was compromised, I can't protect my self if it's in work, but attraction is mainly from past events not current. Last two post hit the nail on the head, it's an unfortunate situation, one I really just want resolved. I probably come across as a bit pathetic, I really am not, just the situation is.
Zahara Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 one I really just want resolved. I probably come across as a bit pathetic' date=' I really am not, just the situation is.[/quote'] I think the only way for you to do that is to have complete NC. If 6 years have gone by and you haven't had the ability to fully move past this, even worse you've allowed what happened 6 years ago to dictate your inability to go out there and form new relationships -- you really have to get away from this. Maybe it's time to start looking for a new job. Otherwise, I don't know how else you could resolve this if you can't completely disengage.
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