Can I save this??????

[Anjell71]

Sorry it's very long.................

 

I met this guy on Cupid. We messaged for about a week, hit it off right away and met about a week later. Yes, there was an attraction there and we had even layed it out before meeting that neither one of us were looking for a booty call, we were both looking for long term and had been hurt pretty bad before. One thing led to another and I ended up at his place. It turned out to be a 23 hour date. We had a great time, hung out the next day and went to the movies. Then I went back over to his house that Saturday and stayed until Monday morning. We even did yard work together, met his roomate hit it off with her really well, they've known each other since high school, we are 42. That weekend he asked me if I was talking to anyone else, I said no, he said good. I asked him the same, also a no. I assumed that meant we weren't dating anyone else.

 

Fast forward a couple of weeks he was going out if town for a few days and wanted me to come over but the plans just didn't work out. So I didn't see him before he left. He was with family, we texted a little bit, I didn't want to bug him. But then the second day he was there his texts became just a few words here and there, didn't think too much of it since he's not much of a texter anyway. But by the second day of doing that my gut got to me. I got on Cupid and he was on.

Now a few days before that a girl from work knew I was on Cupid and wanted to see what it was all about, after I showed her my profile, she wanted me to help her the next day make one. So I was on and off for a couple if days. I didn't think nothing of it at all cause I didn't go on there to look at matches, just to show her some stuff. That was the same time I wasn't able to go over to his place. Then it hit me, what if he got worried and looked and saw that I had logged in that week??!! I didn't want to talk to him about it over the phone, so I was going to wait until I seen him.

 

The next day was Mother's Day and he texted me asking if I was still coming over that night cause he would be back. I told him I wasn't sure, depended if I was still running around with my daughter. He texted when he got home later and I was laying down trying to get rid of a headache, I got up a hour later and told him I wasn't going to make it because of that. I didn't get any response.

So I didn't see him until a couple nights later and I didn't know how to being it up about Cupid, yes I was afraid that he was talking to someone else at this point. Well, I didn't say it in the right way and asked about the drunk texts he had sent me the night before asking if I was the one and if I wanted to take this ride of life with him. He blew it off, he's not much of one to talk about feelings. I asked him what was up with us? All I got was a "you wanna talk about this right now?" We were going to bed. So I dropped it.

Rest of the week we were still texting and made plans for me to go over Friday night, he had a really stressful and ****ty week at work and it just didn't seem like the right time again. So Saturday night we were sitting around talking and drinking, he has always kinda teased me about talking to some other guy that I had gone on a date with right before him and I always reassured him that I wasn't talking to anyone else. Then I asked him why he's been on Cupid, he said what are you doing on there?? And I explained the whole thing about helping a friend with her profile, didn't seen like he believed me at first but he didn't say anything else about it. Just said something about what a great catch he is and why would you need anyone else. I agreed.

So I assumed again that was it, no more Cupid, well he was on the next day again. I was upset and I shouldn't have texted it at all but I did. Here's what I said.......

B are you wanting someone else? I've been ****ed over too many times. I don't play games.

His response several hours later........

I'm not playing games.

Just not sure about things.

Then me.....

Talk to me then.

I don't lie.

I can't lie.

Him.........

I like what we have right now. I'm not seeing anyone else

 

And that was pretty much it. Texting seems to be strained this week, he hasn't asked me to come over like he was. I asked about getting together and we agreed to Saturday night.

I'm so afraid that I've pushed him away about asking about us. I just wanted to know if we were dating exclusively, not bf/gf, which is what Im afraid he thinks.

It just seems like one big mess. All assumptions and misunderstandings. We got along great before all this, talked about our future goals and dreams, no bull****. And sorry if tmi, but we both agreed it's been the next in bed ever.

I don't know what to do tomorrow night???!!!! I just want it to go back the way it was, still getting to know each other, having fun. But exclusive. I'm afraid I've pushed him away, esp with that last damn text. I knew I should have sent it while I was upset.

What do I do?????? Can I save any if this? I really like him a lot and could see a relationship down the road. He's not really much of a talker with feelings and I seem to have a hard time saying what I mean.

Help!!

[DArtagnan2]

well, if you are ok with how things are right now, then drop it. He has said he likes how things are and is not seeing anyone else.

 

Now, whats really bothering you, he is still on cupid or at least signing in. MY guess is because he is most likely getting messages still. he may be getting messages from others he hit up before you and he met. It may be something that is dwindling down and he is handling that. he may even think you may not be that in to him given that one time you had the headache. his lack of response shows he was disappointed or maybe even mad. Whatever it was, it was an immature action on his part. And then again, it may be he is still looking. It could be one of any of those things or even something else.

 

I would suggest to not check up on him, all that will do is put stories in to your head about what he is doing based on whatever your mind says, not what is actually happening. I would also suggest to tailor your expectations back. Only because people go too fast in the beginning of the relationship and put all sorts of values on actions, words and anything really which takes away from the flow that is already there.

 

Try to let it go if you can and go with the flow. be cautiously optimistic with a little more on the optimistic side, for now.

[d0nnivain]

Get him to sit down & talk. Don't hold back on your end. Tell him you like him but you are confused. Press him until he tells you what he wants. That discussion will tell you whether there is something worth saving or if he has already moved on. You have to be frank during the discussion -- no playing coy.

[Leigh 87]

When a guy is REALLY into you he doesn't go online after he meets you.

[mammasita]

I agree with Leigh....going on line to handle messages is a crock of bull.

 

You don't go on line and reply to messages if you're not looking....period.

 

You need to have a talk with him and figure out what's up.

[Anjell71]

I do have a tendency for fall fast for a guy. Can't help it, my hearts too damn big and I care too much, esp when there's a connection. And I over analyze! I hate that.

So I texted him last night to see if he wanted to grab some ice cream, he replied a hour later, he was out and about, sorry. He never goes out when he has to work the next day, he works 11 hour days. He hadn't been on Cupid since late afternoon, yes I know, I need to stop checking. So I think he had a date if course could just be in my mind.

He hasn't sent me good morning/good night texts in 2 days. I didn't sleep at all last night worrying about how tomorrow night is going to go. Should I keep trying to text like everything is fine or just give him some space until tomorrow unless he texts first?

[Zahara]

We got along great before all this, talked about our future goals and dreams, no bull****.

 

Having experienced this before, I'm very wary when things go fast and hard because most times it's destined to crash and burn. You're reacting on those feel good emotions, the romance and the fantasy of it all. Working on the surface. It's always very easy to romanticize when it's new and exciting.

 

Take a step back. Scale down your expectations and your idealizations. You really do not know this man. Truly. And just because he says ABC doesn't mean ABC is the truth. Date him but while you do that, be emotionally smart about not laying it all out there so fast so soon. And if you decide to talk about it when you meet him, exhibit confidence and do not be emotionally clingy about it.

[Anjell71]

I do want to go there tomorrow and lay it all out on the table. No walls, open book. I have pulled back since this has been going on and him the same. I know we are both scared. His roomate was trying to help last Friday when I was over. He was complaining about how bad work was and said his feet hurt. I offered to run them for him and he was like really? You'd do that? Lol his roomie said, see she's a good lady. And he want to take a shower and she told me he just needs to be loved.

So it would probably be a bad idea to talk to her about any if this?

[Zahara]

So it would probably be a bad idea to talk to her about any if this?

 

A month or so into this and you're already needing a third party to help you navigate through this? Keep anyone else out of this and work your issues between each other.

[d0nnivain]

Don't drag his female roommate into this.

 

As for laying things on the line, do not declare your love for him. Just say you like him & would like to see where this goes. Anything stronger than that will scare him away.

[Anjell71]

I have told him that last time was Sundays text....I said that I liked the way it is too but I want to get to know him more. I'm kinda new to this OLD and I don't like the idea of dating more than one person at a time. I'm just a a point where I don't know how to act. Like everything is fine or give him space until tomorrow? He's not texting like he use too.

[d0nnivain]

You may be crowding him. Back off & let him come to you.

[Dudette]

I do have a tendency for fall fast for a guy. Can't help it, my hearts too damn big and I care too much, esp when there's a connection. And I over analyze! I hate that.

So I texted him last night to see if he wanted to grab some ice cream, he replied a hour later, he was out and about, sorry. He never goes out when he has to work the next day, he works 11 hour days. He hadn't been on Cupid since late afternoon, yes I know, I need to stop checking. So I think he had a date if course could just be in my mind.

He hasn't sent me good morning/good night texts in 2 days. I didn't sleep at all last night worrying about how tomorrow night is going to go. Should I keep trying to text like everything is fine or just give him some space until tomorrow unless he texts first?

 

That is the problem right here. You have burnt the candle by both ends right at the beginning. You spent too much time together and you lost that mysterious feel to him. For him the chase is over, he's got you, no more challenge, no more mystery. He got caught in that trap just like you did. His intentions were probably very honorable at the beginning but because of this mismanagement of the NRE (new relationship energy) you both sunk that boat.

 

When you meet someone and feel this amazing energy and connection it's normal to crave it but it doesn't mean you should act on it. You still need to keep your head screwed on and proceed slowly. You go on dates and then go back home! even if you both don't feel like it. You save some of that awesome feeling for next time, and the next and the next, that way it will last you for a long time and when finally the butterflies settle down you will have had time to build a base to your relationship. When you burn the candle by both ends and you abuse of this new relationship energy you then run out of it and you end up with nothing to build on.

 

I am sorry but I think this one is irreversible. Let him go, start new with someone else and remember to use that new relationship energy wisely.

[Leigh 87]

Having experienced this before, I'm very wary when things go fast and hard because most times it's destined to crash and burn. .

 

Actually, sometimes two people that meet are just really into each other from the get go. It is not that rare.

 

It isn't uncommon for a man and a woman to meet, and to like each other so much that hey both want to stop dating other people. It is not that rare for things to go fast and actually last. Sometimes two people really like each other and ands they are far more than lukewarm when they first meet.

 

Obviously talking babies and marriage within months is a little much for most. I am inferring to things my own boyfriend did that indicated he was falling "hard" for me, but it has lasted:

 

- he stopped going online to browse for other women immediately after meeting me just once.

- he introduced me to his friends and family within 2 - 3 weeks of first meeting.

- he fell in love with me rather fast, within a month of meeting.

- he doesn't go more than a day without contacting me but he doesn't bombard me with 50 texts a day, either. He gives me time to breath, for hours at a time.

 

Being really into a person from the get go is NOT a sure sign things will crash and burn.

[Anjell71]

Now I'm leaning towards just being confident and carefree, having fun tomorrow. Then if he brings it up, esp if he did go on a date, then get clarification. I just want this awkwardness to go away!

[Zahara]

Now I'm leaning towards just being confident and carefree, having fun tomorrow. Then if he brings it up, esp if he did go on a date, then get clarification. I just want this awkwardness to go away!

 

It doesn't have to be awkward if you don't want it to be awkward. As I said, just enjoy the process instead of placing all these demands and expectations. You only just met this guy.

 

And so soon into this and all the drama and heaviness about feelings and emotions, can tend to make a guy run the other way.

[d0nnivain]

Confident & carefree are good plans to have fun.

 

the 1st time my husband invited me to go to a bar with his friends I made myself crazy. I think I took a shopping trip with every local GF I have trying to find the right outfit. They all wanted to strangle me because I was putting so much pressure on everything.

 

If you can calm down, things will be better.

[Zahara]

Actually, sometimes two people that meet are just really into each other from the get go. It is not that rare.

 

It isn't uncommon for a man and a woman to meet, and to like each other so much that hey both want to stop dating other people.

 

More of the exception rather than the rule in my book. In that sense it's always best to just work through it with some boundaries in hand because if it's really all that great, then no matter how slow you go, it will happen and fall into place.

 

It's fine that some people are really into each other from the get go but you can never predict it's staying power as evidenced in OP's situation. Again, in that sense, slow to me seems always the best way to approach things because it allows me to control myself emotionally.

[Leigh 87]

More of the exception rather than the rule in my book. In that sense it's always best to just work through it with some boundaries in hand because if it's really all that great, then no matter how slow you go, it will happen and fall into place.

 

It's fine that some people are really into each other from the get go but you can never predict it's staying power as evidenced in OP's situation. Again, in that sense, slow to me seems always the best way to approach things because it allows me to control myself emotionally.

 

 

 

And, more importantly than HOW fast and HOW hard a guy falls for a girl and whether or not he wants to browse for other women and for HOW LONG...men can act into a girl, when it is really other things dressed up in a false costume...Spotting a man who truly only has eyes for you and is an honest, decent person is not that easy for some women. In fact, so many women seem to have problems identifying the liars from the legit nice guys. Myself included at times.

 

For instance; the guy could be desperate and will therefore treat any girl he can get like gold even if he is NOT that into them (or maybe he IS into every girl he can get, lolz) Or the guy could have high chemistry with a girl who he isn't that into personality wise, and the girl often mistakes the intensive chemistry and his daily calls/texts and false promises as him being "into her".

 

It actually IS a slower process deducing the men who ARE truly nuts about you, for real, lolz. Not just in it for the hot sexual chemistry you just so happen to share...

 

I have been cheated on, disappeared on and LIED to by NUMEROUS men who I THOUGHT were VERY Into me! It has not made me want to opt for men who I lack the spark passion and chemistry with, in the hope that a lukewarm introduction will lead to a less intense and slower burning passion where the guy basically doesn't get excited about you initially; you don't give him butterflies, but he sticks with you because you are the solid, honourable girl that is wife material.

 

No no no. I also need the guy to be into be from the start, to get butterflies and to have a naturally high chemical reaction to me. I need the raw feelings from a man that SOME inexperienced people can mistakenly think is the basis of a lasting relationship. IT IS NOT and I repeat IT IS NOT a determinant of a lasting relationship. It is just something that I need in the relationships that HAPPEN to last from it. I DO NOT expect a guy to stick around simply because we had good chemistry, he was super into me and wanted to be around me all the time... that means NOTHING.

 

I have been with many men who were not that into me. Ican tell you that it IS NOT uncommon to meet a person who is genuinely smitten with you from the get go, the type of guy who just isn't into other women from the day he meets you. It isn't that rare at all to find couples who really were into each other from day one.

 

I honestly think it is ideal to only date people who you are genuinely smitten with early on, it is so un romantic and unpassionate to just scout online for other people once you are dating. Shouldn't you strive to meet someone that knocks your socks off and also turns out to be a good solid, long term prospect?

 

The main problem is the OP cannot spot the fakes. She assumes that his daily calls, their chemistry and the fact they wanted to hang out all the time instantly meant that he was into her.

 

...I have done the EXACT same thing with a guy I met last year!We hung out for a week straight after meeting. Guess what? We only shared strong sexual chemistry and NOT much else:lmao: he used me for a fun time, enjoyed our initial conversations about my travelling, laughed a little and then left me when he couldn't stand being around me enough to warrant the great sexual chemistry we shared. The signs? He didn't text or call me at all. We just hung out. Didn't contact each other after that. Normally when a guy is interested in you, he will want to text or call you every so often because you are on their minds... they want to get to know you better...

 

So yeah, one lesson the OP can learn? It is obviously a preference of hers to have a guy who, once he starts dating her, loses interest in other women and doesn't continue to go online once they become intimate.The OP now needs to go about finding a guy who feels that way about her, and to not accept less than she feels she deserves. I think it is reasonable to want to go after a guy who is too into you to want to date other women.

 

I don't accept less than that; it is not a problem, I have just found like minded men. They didn't all work out but they were on the same page.. they didn't want to be online once they met me, they wanted to see what happened with us before going on dates with other women.

 

The second you see the guy is still active online, that is the point at which is should end if you have been together more than two months. If a guy is not nuts about you by then he NEVER will be.....

[Anjell71]

Even though he says he believes me about me helping a friend on Cupid with her profile, I can't help but think that when I canceled a few times he seen that I was on there that week, that it writhe hurt his feelings or lost a trust we were trying to build. We've both been screwed over many times. So I'm sure trust is an issue, esp when thinking about all the times he made comments or digs about me talking to the other guy I went on a date with right before him. I have reassured him several times I hadn't talked to him or ran into him since that one date. I know I was hurt when I seen him online the first time.

[Zahara]

Even though he says he believes me about me helping a friend on Cupid with her profile, I can't help but think that when I canceled a few times he seen that I was on there that week, that it writhe hurt his feelings or lost a trust we were trying to build. We've both been screwed over many times. So I'm sure trust is an issue, esp when thinking about all the times he made comments or digs about me talking to the other guy I went on a date with right before him. I have reassured him several times I hadn't talked to him or ran into him since that one date. I know I was hurt when I seen him online the first time.

 

Let it go. There is no point analyzing this. Go for your date tomorrow and use that as your opportunity to get this back on track again.

[MissBee]

This man may not be the man for you if all this is happening, and yes, I feel like you guys moved too quickly before ironing things out. If you're the type who falls fast for men, it is ESPECIALLY important that you go slowly and at least know where you stand BEFORE sleeping with them, sleeping over etc. As what happens is you get all invested without knowing where you really stand.

 

You shouldn't be scared to "push him away" by having frank conversations...and the fact that you feel that way means that you guys had never really communicated your expectations before you started spending so much time at his place and acting like a gf without knowing the score.

 

He's said he likes things as they are and he "isn't sure".... that plus the OkCupid stuff seems to mean that this man likes seeing you, sleeping with you but is in no way promising exclusivity. If that doesn't sit well with you...leave it be....don't compromise or settle for what you don't want as you will end up hurting yourself. I would allow the ball to be in his court right now and see if he initiates further dates and other things....and if you feel you can't even talk about where you stand....then that should be a sign that you want different things.

 

When my bf and I started dating, we discussed wanting a real relationship and looking for people who could be our potential future spouses. We weren't dating just for the heck of it or for fun and sex, but to find something real and that had marriage potential. Before we had sex and all of that, we discussed where things were headed with us, if we were seeing other people and what we wanted and agreed to be exclusive, monogamous and explicitly said we're pursuing a relationship with each other.It was a conversation where we were both on the same page and it wasn't like I had to fearfully bring it up. That's how you know you are on the same page...if he brings it up too or if the conversation is natural. You being afraid often signals that somewhere inside you know he isn't on the same page but you're hoping he is.

 

I understand where you're coming from. Women who fall too fast get attached quickly and find it hard to let go, even after a short time because they invest so much (often into a situation they should have never invested in because it wasn't stable). You likely feel desperate to make things work because you've been having sex and doing gf things with him and want to continue and want to find someone to be with....but unfortunately, this man may not be it and while it may sting a bit, it's best to be realistic and possibly let things fizzle out and start dating again instead of continuing to hope and invest in someone who isn't all in with you. Then the next time you're dating, knowing your own tendency, do things differently. DATE! Instead of going to a man's house so early and settling into this kind of makeshift comfort so quickly, allow him to date you, take you out, plan things etc...and give yourself time before you're too caught up to see what he wants and if you want the same things. Before you sleep with him make sure a commitment is there...i.e. exclusivity, monogamy, a relationship etc. That will help you protect yourself from being used and hurt vs. when you jump in too quickly.

[Anjell71]

Ok, I will try to relax, stop analyzing and get back to that confident that he liked in the first place. He even told me to relax Monday. Uggg

[Zahara]

Ok, I will try to relax, stop analyzing and get back to that confident that he liked in the first place. He even told me to relax Monday. Uggg

 

Anjell, your expectations are way up there -- and if you keep up with that you're going to self-sabotage. Tone down romanticizing and idealizing this. You hardly know this guy. A month or so isn't enough time to know someone, it isn't enough to figure out if there is some sort of staying power, let alone build a future together in your head. People are on their best behavior in the beginning of the honeymoon period and therefore you can't always go by what is being presented or said at such an early stage.

 

Enjoy the dating process -- getting to know each other/enjoying each other's company -- a step at a time. The expectations of him being the one -- put that aside. Get to know the man first before you commit to that mindset.

[Anjell71]

I don't have thick enough skin for this. It sucks putting yourself out there and getting knocked back down.