What do I do?

[Stuyg3578]

Hi there,I posted few weeks back so I'll keep this short as poss but wanted some fresh input.my partner asked me to leave 17 months ago after I had sufferd with depression that really drained her and caused her heartache.i got help and was chopped and changed from med to med for couple years but since we broke up it literally just snapped me out of that hole I was in.im still down but now it's because we are not together but as a person she admits I'm better like the man she feel in love with but better without the paranoia and moods etc.i no living with that must of been hard I was distant in my own world and it's almost what she is like now,she admits she feels like she has not a lot of emtion and her personality has changed she is a lot more selfish and thinks getting tattoos done is most important when it comes to spending money.neither of us have met anyone else she just wants to be alone and I respect that but I'm always trying to help her offer support in anyway I can both financially and whatever else she needs help in.we have 3 beautiful young children whom I see whenever I am day off I take them out have such fun with them and put them to bed when I take them home,they keep me going they make me smile every time but they are so innocent in this that they don't even no we are apart they think I've been working away since I left and quite often the eldest or youngest ask when I get to come home for good it's heart breaking to lie to them.we were best friends for such along time but she just snapped one day I ask me to leave that followed by he having anxiety attacks for a while then she just shutdown,we all have tea together when I'm there but at times it feels like I'm the elephant in the room.ive worked so hard on myself getting better going gym and also getting a second job as a fireman which she says she is proud of and also says she knows my depression must be behind me as I'd gave gone back there by now after all that's gone on last year and half.ive moved around alot as I've financially helped her to keep the kids stable at home but since I've cut the money down ie just payed the mortgage I've noticed she struggles more financially but it doesn't stop her having tattoos and booking a holiday with her brother to Spain.i don't moan as I admit having 3 kids is hard and a break will do her good it feels she puts all this first and bills second.she is still the same person to everyone else but alot harder as she nearly had a breakdown when separated but has since become like this super hard emtionless women at times toward me and my situation, she says she has no idea why she is like she is and won't talk to anyone as to why as it's her business,like I say it's like a family at times, the tea the playing with the kids and dog,bathing the kids reading stories, then I leave get a kids and a cuddle watch her wave me off n I go back to my own little world.after this long it drains me so much I still cry after I leave.if I post a picture of her when anythin emtional cones up u will see how it changes her just like that it's scarey,she when pushed said I dontvthink we will get back together even thou I'm the man she fell for she don't know y thou? I feel shutdown she says but then says I'm ok I don't need help? All of that just confuses me and the reason why I haven't moved on properly as I love my family so deeply and part of me belives she still loves me but there is some issue within herself? Or maybe I'm kidding but after all this time I go in the house whenever I want I have a key still as it's my house aswell there are still pics up of us all the kids don't no and it feels like she just buries her head away from her issues and any issue we have to face regarding the kids or house and bills.also I'm renting a room and having to move around a lot which is a nitemere but she don't ask me about it it's like my prob don't exsist like she don't care, seems emtionless to any if it like it ain't happening?we are going Florida next feb all together as my mum is takin us all which is amazing but this situation can't be like this then,I can't pressure her as that when she closes up bad!all I no is this is entionally drowning me me n I carry on as best I can her friends and family say she has changed but say nothing to her although they would live us to try to work this out but say she needs to heal and it's down to her where we go from here.she is still a good person a Lovley caring person but it's like she keeps this wall between us which she denies,I get her bits and bobs to help with kids etc n I hardly get a thank you although she don't ask me for directly for anything I notice if she needs stuff and I help as that's who I am. She says we still are and will always be a family but as time goes on I fail to see how this is, has she just entionally completely shut off or just don't care anymore?

[J2911]

Hi there,I posted few weeks back so I'll keep this short as poss but wanted some fresh input.my partner asked me to leave 17 months ago after I had sufferd with depression that really drained her and caused her heartache.i got help and was chopped and changed from med to med for couple years but since we broke up it literally just snapped me out of that hole I was in.im still down but now it's because we are not together but as a person she admits I'm better like the man she feel in love with but better without the paranoia and moods etc.i no living with that must of been hard I was distant in my own world and it's almost what she is like now,she admits she feels like she has not a lot of emtion and her personality has changed she is a lot more selfish and thinks getting tattoos done is most important when it comes to spending money.neither of us have met anyone else she just wants to be alone and I respect that but I'm always trying to help her offer support in anyway I can both financially and whatever else she needs help in.we have 3 beautiful young children whom I see whenever I am day off I take them out have such fun with them and put them to bed when I take them home,they keep me going they make me smile every time but they are so innocent in this that they don't even no we are apart they think I've been working away since I left and quite often the eldest or youngest ask when I get to come home for good it's heart breaking to lie to them.we were best friends for such along time but she just snapped one day I ask me to leave that followed by he having anxiety attacks for a while then she just shutdown,we all have tea together when I'm there but at times it feels like I'm the elephant in the room.ive worked so hard on myself getting better going gym and also getting a second job as a fireman which she says she is proud of and also says she knows my depression must be behind me as I'd gave gone back there by now after all that's gone on last year and half.ive moved around alot as I've financially helped her to keep the kids stable at home but since I've cut the money down ie just payed the mortgage I've noticed she struggles more financially but it doesn't stop her having tattoos and booking a holiday with her brother to Spain.i don't moan as I admit having 3 kids is hard and a break will do her good it feels she puts all this first and bills second.she is still the same person to everyone else but alot harder as she nearly had a breakdown when separated but has since become like this super hard emtionless women at times toward me and my situation, she says she has no idea why she is like she is and won't talk to anyone as to why as it's her business,like I say it's like a family at times, the tea the playing with the kids and dog,bathing the kids reading stories, then I leave get a kids and a cuddle watch her wave me off n I go back to my own little world.after this long it drains me so much I still cry after I leave.if I post a picture of her when anythin emtional cones up u will see how it changes her just like that it's scarey,she when pushed said I dontvthink we will get back together even thou I'm the man she fell for she don't know y thou? I feel shutdown she says but then says I'm ok I don't need help? All of that just confuses me and the reason why I haven't moved on properly as I love my family so deeply and part of me belives she still loves me but there is some issue within herself? Or maybe I'm kidding but after all this time I go in the house whenever I want I have a key still as it's my house aswell there are still pics up of us all the kids don't no and it feels like she just buries her head away from her issues and any issue we have to face regarding the kids or house and bills.also I'm renting a room and having to move around a lot which is a nitemere but she don't ask me about it it's like my prob don't exsist like she don't care, seems emtionless to any if it like it ain't happening?we are going Florida next feb all together as my mum is takin us all which is amazing but this situation can't be like this then,I can't pressure her as that when she closes up bad!all I no is this is entionally drowning me me n I carry on as best I can her friends and family say she has changed but say nothing to her although they would live us to try to work this out but say she needs to heal and it's down to her where we go from here.she is still a good person a Lovley caring person but it's like she keeps this wall between us which she denies,I get her bits and bobs to help with kids etc n I hardly get a thank you although she don't ask me for directly for anything I notice if she needs stuff and I help as that's who I am. She says we still are and will always be a family but as time goes on I fail to see how this is, has she just entionally completely shut off or just don't care anymore?

 

 

 

Hello friend ,

I'm so glad you are improving some for the better .

After reading this post , I still have the same advice as I previously posted.

Words are merely words. People hang on to words and you simply cannot do that .

You HAVE to hang on to actions and not someones words.

She is shut down and emotionless --- those are actions.

She spends money on tattoos which should be on kids/bills --- once again those are actions

Unless she gets some serious therapy ( an action ) she will continue to decline .

Who suffers as a result ? Kids , husband, parents , friends .

A lovely , caring person is not a person who speaks beautiful words, it's a person who takes beautiful ACTIONS.

You can choose to hang on to her words and have false hopes of her just "snapping out of this ", however you need to understand that people just dont wake up and snap out of being emotionally distressed. They improve over long periods of time with intense therapy .

Getting frequent tattoos is not proper therapy . It's a temporary euphoric process to some people .

I know you're in alot of pain and are wanting her fixed and become a family unit again that is ok but you cannot fix her .

Tattoos cannot fix her , she cannot fix herself.

How long can you live this way my friend ? Is this a healthy situation for the kids ? Will they grow up thinking it's normal to have a mom and dad not living together full time and will they repeat this process ?

In time, your kids will start suffering from this too.

 

We are only responsible for our selves and our own happiness. We can stay in the same situation or we can choose to take other options and find happiness and peace .

[Stuyg3578]

Thank you for your words I understand where you are coming from.i am so confused and scared as to where to begin next? As when I confront her or question her with regards to anythin she just changes and denies it all.shes not all bad last nite she offerd me abit of cash as I told her I was skint until I get payed but I didn't take it as I no she is struggling aswell, as with the kids she belives they will be fine as long as they have a living family around them all the time, but I'm not sure she hears what my youngest girl says to me at 4 years old she tells me she cries on her own as she misses me! That breaks me even more but I try to stay strong for them but if I talk to her family they are just as oblivious as her! Can you see why I don't know where to begin, and thank again for your reply

[salparadise]

This is a heartbreaking story. It must be terribly painful to be stuck in this limbo. It doesn't seem that the outcome you're hoping for is on the horizon. I hope she's taking care of the kids.

 

You have to sort this out in your own mind and be confident that you're doing the best you can and making healthy choices. Here is my take on the whole mess... she is an emotional train wreck and she's not even interested in doing what needs to be done to change that. In a sense, maybe it's best that she did kick you out, because if you were still attached and living in the midst of this chaos she might very well pull you down with her. The kids need you, so it's extremely important that you take care of yourself as the top priority. She ended the relationship, or at least any semblance of a romantic couple and cohesive family unit, but she's holding you by a thread and won't let you move on with your own life. Snip the thread and do it anyway... for yourself and the kids. You can be compassionate without staying mired in her mess.

 

Go to therapy yourself, break free and live your life to the fullest. Continue seeing the kids regularly, support them financially as best you can, be a good father. Find someone else to love who is capable of nurturing your soul and reciprocating in the way that couples do. This is the best thing you can do for your kids, because they need a strong, functional parent. If you don't move on with your life then how can you be the father they need you to be?

[J2911]

Thank you for your words I understand where you are coming from.i am so confused and scared as to where to begin next? As when I confront her or question her with regards to anythin she just changes and denies it all.shes not all bad last nite she offerd me abit of cash as I told her I was skint until I get payed but I didn't take it as I no she is struggling aswell, as with the kids she belives they will be fine as long as they have a living family around them all the time, but I'm not sure she hears what my youngest girl says to me at 4 years old she tells me she cries on her own as she misses me! That breaks me even more but I try to stay strong for them but if I talk to her family they are just as oblivious as her! Can you see why I don't know where to begin, and thank again for your reply

 

 

You're going to have to decide if you can do this to yourself and your kids for the long haul then.

She is in complete control of you. If she wanted you and she wanted your family together as a whole under the same roof then she would make that happen.

He actions are loud and clear that she doesnt want a husband at home full time and the family together.

Friend , you are going to be sick and hurt everyday inside ( your kids will too eventually ) unless you end this .

Tell her that you cannot and will not any longer live your life this way .

Tell her that you had problems , took the actions dealing with your issues and if she doesn't do the same then you are filing for divorce and will only give her court controlled child care payments.

Tell her you deserve to be with someone who wants to be married and happy with you .

Also, fight for 50/50 custody as though it seems that your a parent who has better interest and management of child care financials.

 

You are holding onto a situation you simply cannot fix . She cannot fix herself either.

You can continue living with this daily or you can give ultimatums and take actions to find someone who wants to be your wife and be happy with you and you with another.

She has everything she wants . You are giving her all the power , control and the ok to allow this everyday .... How so ? Because you aren't doing anything but talking and hoping and wishing for ..... You're not providing strong actions against her.

Dont be afraid of her ! What do you have to lose here by taking actions???? That she won't want you ???

Well my friend , she isn't wanting you enough to be with you in the same house .

That is NOT love !

 

I'm having some real talk here with you. It's hard to read someone coming down harsh on you but sometimes it's necessary for us to be hit with some tough love here.

[spiderowl]

Sorry, but it sounds like she cut off when you and she went through the bad patches. You acknowledge you were moody and depressed a long time. It is hard to cope with that. I don't know if you were able to care for her at that time because of your illness, but I suspect not.

 

She has got a lot to cope with now, looking after the kids. If she experienced a lot of hurt when you were ill and moody with her, it's not surprising she's shut off. She won't want to risk that kind of experience again. It's not easy coping with children on your own. I think most women would not end a relationship and have to cope alone, unless they really felt they had no choice.

 

I think you would be better off accepting that things have changed for the long term now and working out a new life for yourself, maybe giving yourself chance to meet someone new. If you hang around hoping your ex is going to suddenly want to make it work again, I think you will be disappointed.

[Stuyg3578]

Hi guys,thanks for all your advice, since my last post I have spoke to her I regards to kids and the house etc and that I'm not standing for this anymore.i have told her the children need to be told of our split as they ask me very often when I'm coming home and that I'm mummy's prince etc and that for 18 months has drained me alone! She got very upset and wanted to tell them in stages but I was adamant they need to know the truth once and for all so we will tell them on Friday after school.i also told her I am not walking away with nothing as I worked hard all my life for our home and we need to come to an arrangement as to what we will do moving forward as I'm currently renting a room ATM which is 9th place I've lived in 18 months and is no stability for me.she agreed to let me have children at our house overnite every so often to enable me spend the night with them which was great and we will

Look Into mediation as regards to kids and the house for the long term.for the first time she Admited she knows she has shut me out and when I leave at night after seeing the kids she feels horrible but doesn't know y she does it,she also said she has a wall up so high n even if I climbed it I wouldn't like whats on the other side?she also said she didn't want this she just wanted us to be happy but although I'm the man she fell in love with it's her that is different now.all I know is I must push on with moving on and changing this situation for myself and giving me the chance to have my kids overnight,it's a crying shame she will not even begin to talk or open up to someone or the idea of saving this but I've gota do something or I'll go mad,she also said if she took me back the kids would be happy both families would be happy but we wouldn't be happy.seems like she has this negativity around us no matter how much I have changed but as I say I've made this situation more realistic now and I hope it can start to move forward but telling my kids will be hardest thing I've ever done

[J2911]

You will get through this in time.

Therapy therapy therapy .

You are deserving of more than this .