LilySun Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 So I had short (dating site) meet up with a guy a couple weeks ago. We chatted over a couple drinks and an appetizer. Then he said he had to get home. He didn't kiss me. But I had fun with him and said he did also. The next day, he said he was bbq'ing with neighbors and invited me to join. I had plans and declined. Another evening, he invited me over to his place and said that he make dinner. Again I had to decline. And a 3rd time, he invited me for this again. I want to get to know him better but I realized we only met once for a couple hours and he keeps trying to get me to his house. So one night I suggested we meet up at a local pub. He agreed...but a few hours before we were supposed to meet, he said that he is trying to save money for a trip he's going on so he shouldn't go out. And again...suggested I come over to his place. Now the guy seems very cool and fun, I don't get a creepy vibe, but should I accept such an idea so soon? Does he somehow think I'm going to sleep with him when we haven't even kissed? I think a guy that cooks is great, but am I over reacting if I find something uncomfortable about this right now? Should I be demanding that I get more dates before going to his house? I thought about saying hey, this might sound silly but since we are basically still strangers I don't think I'm comfortable with this idea. But I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him think I'm not interested because I am. What do I do? We are supposed to hang out tomorrow and I know he will invite me over.
Assasda Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 You have a right to feel what youre feeling. It is strange to come over his house so early. You dont even know each other well yet. If I were you I'd say the same thing you said here "hey, this might sound silly but since we are basically still strangers I don't think I'm comfortable with this idea." -He'd pick up on the idea that you're a tough cookie, and know what you're doing. However I wouldn't since you like him, I wouldn't use the "strangers". So whenever you get invited to his house dont be afraid to say "I'm not ready to come over your house yet, lets go out" - and if he cant do that, you might just have to move on 3
Author LilySun Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Yeah instead of strangers perhaps just say I want to get to know him better I just feel its too soon to be coming over. From my experience if you go to a man's place he thinks it means you want to sleep with him. And I understand a tight money situation but, he shouldn't be dating if this is a chronic problem. He appears to have a nice stable job and a nice car, etc. 1
Assasda Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Well, I dont think that every guy thinks that once a women comes over its time to sleep with her. - But it sure makes it easier if both parties have good rapport. Its a matter of comfort. You should be able to feel comfortable about that. -And you dont. So you have every right Never be afraid to ask for what you want 4
todreaminblue Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 saying you arent quite comfortable with it and adding at a later time sure once we are both comfortable with each other is not wrong for you to say because its truth....there are inexpensive things you can do out....as long as you are comfortable and he is comfortable(if he is worrying about money he might not be)so maybe after saying no to hsi hpouse...... something similar to this if you have them in yrou area...... hey i have heard there is a night filming in the park thats free lets grab a blanket ill make snacks you bring some drinks we will go dutch in fuel...so it shows your interest in spending time together that is comfortable for both........... or lets go and feed some ducks its such a lovely day or if it is at night look up free activities in your area that is public and fun and have a blast.......be pro active in saying no.......a walk on the beach and brilliant relaxed conversation, soft sand to sit on....... and throw in wedges of brie and crackers,grapes, chunks of watermelon and kiwi fruit..... to me is a slice of heaven beats an expensive restaurant any day.......best wishes....deb
mitchell Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 This guy just wants to sleep with you. The money saving is just an excuse. There are plenty of inexpensive options for the two of you to meet and get to know each other better. His idea of a great night is to cook you some macaroni and cheese and then get you into bed.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Just because a guy is "very cool and fun" doesn't mean he doesn't want you to come over to his place just to sleep with you, if you need a guy to "act" a certain way just believe something then you have A LOT to learn about men. I'm not sure why you would be concerned about hurting his feelings, or giving him the idea that you're not interested just because you don't want to go over his house and sleep with him on the second or third date...this guy obviously has a game about him and I see some very typical "play" here.
Author LilySun Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 This guy just wants to sleep with you. The money saving is just an excuse. There are plenty of inexpensive options for the two of you to meet and get to know each other better. His idea of a great night is to cook you some macaroni and cheese and then get you into bed. No actually he said he would be bbq'ing...lol. which is great but I already have to cancel just because I woke up sick today. So either way I won't be going over there.
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 The invite to the BBQ with the neighbors seemed legit . . . no real ulterior motive but I bet he wouldn't have minded if you stuck around after they left. The pressure to go to his house, even if money saving is real, is too much. As a general rule, I avoid being alone with a new man any place that has a bed -- my house, his house etc. until we have become intimate. 1
Author LilySun Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 The invite to the BBQ with the neighbors seemed legit . . . no real ulterior motive but I bet he wouldn't have minded if you stuck around after they left. The pressure to go to his house, even if money saving is real, is too much. As a general rule, I avoid being alone with a new man any place that has a bed -- my house, his house etc. until we have become intimate. I agree with all of the above. 1st he had the neighbors involved with the invite but not the invites after that one. And meeting neighbors isn't much better because that sordof screams girlfriend status...perhaps the guy is just attached way way too easily. If thats the case I will find out soon enough and it won't fly with me.
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I think you may be over thinking the significance of meeting the neighbors but if it does scream GF status, that is some evidence he actually wants a relationship rather than a booty call. You can test the money saving theory / excuse by asking him to meet you for cheap / free things. If he doesn't come out then but still tries to lure you to his house, that's a problem. 1
Taramere Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 This guy just wants to sleep with you. The money saving is just an excuse. There are plenty of inexpensive options for the two of you to meet and get to know each other better. His idea of a great night is to cook you some macaroni and cheese and then get you into bed. Well we might all still be in the dark about what the OP's new boyfriend's idea of a great night is, but at least we know what mitchell's is. Enjoy your macaroni and cheese tonight! So whenever you get invited to his house dont be afraid to say "I'm not ready to come over your house yet, lets go out" I think that's a nicely executed, elegant way to deal with it. It doesn't dwell on the issue in a way that would be likely to cause embarrassment or discomfort for anybody.
MissBee Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) You need to care more about standing by your principles and boundaries than "hurting his feelings", I definitely am one who has suffered from trying not to hurt a man's feelings so allowed my boundaries to be bull dozed....it's never worth it and come to find out, the man worth your time, who respects you, his ego isn't that fragile and he is perfectly able to respect your wishes without it "hurting his feelings." That said, no need to make a big to-do over it, simply say "I'm not comfortable coming by your place just yet, I know you want to save money so let's do X (insert cheap or free hang out) instead. Once we're more familiar, I'll definitely come over." If he reacts badly, i.e. has an attitude about it, is sill trying to coerce you, seems to no longer be interested or doesn't make more dates or cancels...well GOOD RIDDANCE! You know what kinda dude you dodged. Sorry, but dating costs money. Period. Getting to know someone means going on DATES! So if a man tries to make excuses about not having money so you need to come to his house after only one meet...I'd forget about it, as it seems extremely cheap and shady. It's not like you need fancy dinners and over the top expensive things, but as was mentioned, lots of other relatively cheap things exist, there are Groupons etc and if you are so hard up...then leave dating until another time! Edited May 23, 2014 by MissBee 4
starrynightz45 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) Him inviting you to the BBQ with his neighbors does not scream GF status. To me it sounds more like a great excuse to get you over there and then have you hang around after. He hasn't even taken you on a proper date minus the first date, and the time you suggested getting drinks which he cancelled last minute (note: NOT his suggestion). Every single time since that first time, he's tried to get you to his place. This is not a coincidence. Someone with a stable job is not so broke that he can't even meet with you for coffee. This man is trying to have sex with you. Edited May 23, 2014 by starrynightz45
Author LilySun Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Today he did again, invite me over there tonight for a bbq. I told him I don't feel well today (which was true) and added that I do prefer to know someone better before going to their place. He was cool about it, said he understands and hope I feel better, and said we will catch up sometime. If I wasn't sick, maybe he would have offered to take me out then but no way to know for sure. I was glad that his reaction was understanding. At least he knows that he has to ask me out at this point, and if he doesn't then I'll know what this was really all about. 1
starrynightz45 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Today he did again, invite me over there tonight for a bbq. I told him I don't feel well today (which was true) and added that I do prefer to know someone better before going to their place. He was cool about it, said he understands and hope I feel better, and said we will catch up sometime. If I wasn't sick, maybe he would have offered to take me out then but no way to know for sure. I was glad that his reaction was understanding. At least he knows that he has to ask me out at this point, and if he doesn't then I'll know what this was really all about. Sorry hun but I don' think you'll be hearing from him again. Good luck.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Sorry hun but I don' think you'll be hearing from him again. Good luck. If not, that's a good thing - because it confirms he wasn't interested in anything meaningful. 3
Author LilySun Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 Yeah if I don't hear from him again, I just don't care much...he is just a stranger. I didn't even get past the point of liking as more than a friend yet. His loss if he doesn't want to help me out with that 2
Author LilySun Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 Well since my last post he asked how I'm feeling today and we are still making small chat, so it could still all work out in the end. But I still need more dates before going to his place
ja123 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Keep us updated. I'm curious to know if he will man up and invite you out on a real date. P.S. It's really selfish for him to be dating and "scrimp on dates" because he is saving for a trip. Even if that is the truth and not the sex (which I think it is), then what does that say about him? Either way, I think you should keep dating others.
Author LilySun Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 Keep us updated. I'm curious to know if he will man up and invite you out on a real date. P.S. It's really selfish for him to be dating and "scrimp on dates" because he is saving for a trip. Even if that is the truth and not the sex (which I think it is), then what does that say about him? Either way, I think you should keep dating others. Yes, I realize now what rubbed me wrong, and it wasn't sex or lying about money, it just plain feels like he is trying to find himself a girl that he doesn't have to take out and spend money on, and somehow thinks just inviting her over all the time would suffice as a happy relationship (for him anyway). This is no young inexperienced 20-something guy (we are late 30's) and he should know better than this. If he doesn't figure it out fast he's out of luck.... 3
SJC2008 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I thought about saying hey, this might sound silly but since we are basically still strangers I don't think I'm comfortable with this idea. But I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him think I'm not interested because I am. What do I do? We are supposed to hang out tomorrow and I know he will invite me over. Nice guys take note! Guy clearly wants sex but she's on the defensive, afraid to rock the boat/lose him. I.E if a woman likes you and/or is attracted to you you get plenty of rope! Don't fret if a chick doesn't text you back and overanalyze and let everyone here telling you you're doing it wrong (assuming you aren't comming accross as a complete pu$.$). On to the next and keep trucking. Ultimately OP put her foot down and I'm glad she did so props to you OP. In all honesty I'd look to date others and be real careful with this guy if you decide to continue things with him.
Author LilySun Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 I assume this means if he's trying to "save up for a trip" then he couldn't spend money until after that. So I casually asked when the trip. End of June he says. Hahaha! Well if the dude can't go out at all between now and the end of June I will be well out of the picture by then. More and more I start to think this guy is an idiot. 1
Spirit1985 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 I've been in this situation. I thought he was being really nice. Took me out on a first date, then cooked me dinner. Before I knew it every date was at his place, then he asked to borrow some money, £1200 to be exact. I couldn't believe it, I'd been conned lol. I never seen him after that and no, I didn't give him any money. 1
HappyLove Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 Yes, I realize now what rubbed me wrong, and it wasn't sex or lying about money, it just plain feels like he is trying to find himself a girl that he doesn't have to take out and spend money on, and somehow thinks just inviting her over all the time would suffice as a happy relationship (for him anyway). This is no young inexperienced 20-something guy (we are late 30's) and he should know better than this. If he doesn't figure it out fast he's out of luck.... People only do what you allow them to. If you start just chilling at this guys house and no proper dates you've set the stage for the future relationship. He's trying to date on the cheap and not putting any effort into dating and courting. Aren't you worth more than this? Besides that, it's plain ol scary and stupid to go to a mans house that you don't know very well. NEXT!
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