What do things in the past mean to you?

[jonsnuh]

How much should the past, the good and the bad things that have occurred in a relationship matter in the present? It may have been the trip you took with her, the kids you reared with her, the house you bought together. All these things can be discounted by her as being trivial because she just isn't 'into you' anymore.

 

Dumpees are sometimes oblivious to dumpers' different view that such experiences no longer mean anything anymore, while dumpees may be oblivious and continue to see such things as investments into the relationship.

[JFReyes]

They only matter inasmuch as they made you improve yourself as a decent person.

[jonsnuh]

But isn't that selfish? One doesn't simply drop a partner and go GIGS because their partner may have gone through a temporary rough patch.

 

What if I had done much to help another grow as a person? What about those individuals who had helped his/her partner with what this partner needed/wanted, and she ends up leaving?

 

A great excuse I've heard from an ex goes like this:

"Yeah, we did some really cool things. And you even got me my first job. You listened and where there when I needed someone most. But I need to think about myself now. We're just not compatible. I'm a bad person, so make me the reason of the breakup if you have to."

[FredJones80]

Are you asking this question in hope of answers from Dumper's?

 

Won't find many on here.

[jonsnuh]

I didn't get any closure. I've given up on trying to figure out what goes through a dumper's mind, but I'm sure some people on LS have (fortunately or unfortunately) have experience in knowing why this occurs.

[d0nnivain]

Very few people can find the words to articulate why a relationship failed. It may be one big thing. It may be a culmination over time. It will vary from person to person & relationship to relationship.

[barky2]

You may or may not want to read it, but I'm going to post it as I was once the dumper who turned dumpee.

 

In my mind I was done. I wanted no part. I wanted to go out and explore . Cal it gigs digs it migs.

 

I was just over it and as much as I saw tears I wasn't effected by it.

 

I had this vision in my head of what I wanted to do and turned selfish.

 

Kinda catch my drift?

 

And no the grass wasn't greener by any means.

 

But to answer your questions..

 

The good : is to recognize how much fun it was, and how you can actually gel with someone and become one.

 

The bad : is to recognize what to do in your next relationship, what not to say, what you shouldn't do ect.

 

Every single relationship is a learning experience.

 

You always take good and bad from every single one.

 

But don't sit there and try to find closure, closure comes from within.

 

You'll never get the answers to your questions, and that's ok...because even if you did, it wouldn't truly answer your question.

 

Your closure should've been when they walked away.

 

Take the time to heal and move on , get over it, and get back out there.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[hoping2heal]

But isn't that selfish? One doesn't simply drop a partner and go GIGS because their partner may have gone through a temporary rough patch.

 

Actually, people do this all of the time, no? Is it selfish? Usually. I mean, rough patch is vague and it kinda depends what that rough patch entails.

 

But, it's not just selfishness either (imo). No one comes out of the womb with all of this interpersonal knowledge. Our relationships teach us things about ourselves in the process, its inevitable. Though, not all will heed its lessons and some might take years to never before they do start paying attention. People might make a lot of mistakes and do plenty of self-centered and immature things before they "grow up" in relationships, just as is the case with many things in life.

 

What if I had done much to help another grow as a person? What about those individuals who had helped his/her partner with what this partner needed/wanted, and she ends up leaving?

 

I feel terrible hearing how this happens to people. But, there are never guarantees. The best we get is red flags and even those are more like probability than certainty. I'm sure anyone who has ever been on the painful end of a divorce, breakup, affair, etc. will tell you they never thought it could happen to them - and of course! Who would marry a spouse they knew they would be divorcing? It's a risk. We all assume that risk when we enter relationships. The future is always unforeseen. No way to predict the changes that might happen in a relationship or to the people in said relationship.

 

A great excuse I've heard from an ex goes like this:

"Yeah, we did some really cool things. And you even got me my first job. You listened and where there when I needed someone most. But I need to think about myself now. We're just not compatible. I'm a bad person, so make me the reason of the breakup if you have to."

 

Don't do things for people if it will make you feel bitter in hindsight that they don't return the favor or give you what you wanted out of the deal.

[TheyCallMeOx]

What if I had done much to help another grow as a person? What about those individuals who had helped his/her partner with what this partner needed/wanted, and she ends up leaving?

A great excuse I've heard from an ex goes like this:

"Yeah, we did some really cool things. And you even got me my first job. You listened and where there when I needed someone most. But I need to think about myself now. We're just not compatible. I'm a bad person, so make me the reason of the breakup if you have to."

 

Making sacrifices can benefit the relationship, but it still may not prevent a breakup. At the end of the day, if there's some big incompatibility issues, it's not going to matter how much you do for someone; when someone reaches a point in the relationship where they're doubting the future, they think about everything. The amount of sacrifices, in the grand scheme of the relationship, is only a small portion of what can keep a relationship together. I had the mentality that if I did things for my ex, she wouldn't leave me. At the end of the day, I wasn't being authentic; I did things expecting her to not leave me, and that was unhealthy. When she broke up with me, I was questioning why she would break my heart when I was such a good boyfriend to her. In reality, I wasn't as great as I thought I was.

 

I have learned a lot about my previous relationship throughout the past half a year or so, and it certainly plays a part in my currently relationship. When I evaluate what went wrong in the relationship, and what went right, I'm able to get a better idea on what it means to have a successful relationship. When you think about all the bad of the relationship, you learn about what you don't want in your next relationship; with the good, you think about whether it's something you would find really important in your next relationship.

 

Like Barky2 says, it's a learning experience. I did a lot of things for my ex-girlfriend, sure, but I did it in a manipulative way. How do I apply that to my current relationship? Well, I obviously don't as much for her, but I make sacrifices without an ulterior motive. Even though I'm more knowledgeable about how to be an authentic boyfriend, that doesn't necessarily mean that every future relationship is going to get longer and longer. My ex and I had a relationship for 2 and a half years, but my current relationship may not last that long. The important thing is what you take out of the experience. At some point, you get a greater understanding about what you want to happen in a relationship, and then you find that woman who wants the same things you want. When you find a woman who shares the same compatibilities you do, and you figure out how to be a good boyfriend without sacrificing who you really are, that's going to determine the longevity of a relationship.

 

From my experience, it doesn't matter what your ex says...closure is going to always end up coming from within. My ex gave me a list of what she didn't like about the relationship, but was I really thinking about all that when I went through heart break? Of course not. I was thinking...how could she do something like that to such a good person like myself? "We were perfect for each other," I thought. Everybody thought so, so it had to be true. Same height and everything. All the things I did for her just made me feel like nothing. At the end of the day, I had to sit down and really think about what went wrong and why. I had to think about why she would break up with me, and I also had to think about why I should've broken up with her. As time goes on, and the more you dive into your past, you may realize that there's more to the story than what you realized.

[jonsnuh]

Thanks for the insight. Being in love made me lose myself, my identity and steer dangerously away from reality beyond the point of self-delusion. But when I decided to healthily focus on myself, I was ostracised by a past partner for not giving enough attention to her. That she missed me. That I was spending too much on myself and not on her, and when I did buy her stuff she told me I really didn't have to. She wasn't grateful.

 

And before a week of silence when she told me it was over, she wanted me to tell her how sexually attractive she was. I held my ground and only wished her the best to her exams. It wasn't unreasonable. I can only tell myself that I had lost her way before that point, and that she was using me.

 

I began believing in weird ideals, including one where love is unconditional. Ended up eating my own bull**** that screwed me over.

 

I get the feeling that this feminized society has only made women feel entitled to relationships they'd never have a chance with. I would even say that I shouldn't have helped her with her first job, because that only pushed her away from me.

 

I don't seek closure. I gave that half a year ago. Rather, I'm only trying to figure out why it's even worth going into relationships when everything is just dust. Like the stock market, no one knows where it's going and that people are afraid of realizing or making it real. Like McConaughey put it, the real players take the money and run after selling this whole idea to you that is really... nothing. Fairy dust.

Edited May 23, 2014 by jonsnuh

[jonsnuh]

Making sacrifices can benefit the relationship, but it still may not prevent a breakup. At the end of the day, if there's some big incompatibility issues, it's not going to matter how much you do for someone; when someone reaches a point in the relationship where they're doubting the future, they think about everything. The amount of sacrifices, in the grand scheme of the relationship, is only a small portion of what can keep a relationship together. I had the mentality that if I did things for my ex, she wouldn't leave me. At the end of the day, I wasn't being authentic; I did things expecting her to not leave me, and that was unhealthy. When she broke up with me, I was questioning why she would break my heart when I was such a good boyfriend to her. In reality, I wasn't as great as I thought I was.

 

I agree with this, but incompatibilities can be worked on if people grow. Some people just can't wait. As for doubting the future, there will always be uncertainty, so I don't see how that can be worked into an argument if we're talking about states. I wasn't really the 'nice guy'. I wouldn't bend over backward for some things, and she pointed these things out that made me look in a bad light not only between us but to her parents. So yeah, I had to deal with her parents her as well. I felt she didn't know whether she wanted to be her own person, or to be like her mom who was controlling. She complained to me about what she didn't like about her mom, and when I agreed she later used that against me to say I didn't love her parents like she did.

 

I think she just wanted me to leave, or for her to leave. There was no way out.

 

I have learned a lot about my previous relationship throughout the past half a year or so, and it certainly plays a part in my currently relationship. When I evaluate what went wrong in the relationship, and what went right, I'm able to get a better idea on what it means to have a successful relationship. When you think about all the bad of the relationship, you learn about what you don't want in your next relationship; with the good, you think about whether it's something you would find really important in your next relationship.

 

Yeah, I'm more cynical and willing to call it quits which this girl hated me for. Ironic when I was the one who recommitted and was willing to work on our relationship thinking it was on an upward trend.

 

This is what I don't get: People are so willing to accept change, they're willing to do it on a whim without taking responsibility. Is it better to have many honeymoon periods, never settling to maximize the investment in yourself-- is this happiness? I think it's one thing to accept change, and another to seek change.

 

From my experience, it doesn't matter what your ex says...closure is going to always end up coming from within. My ex gave me a list of what she didn't like about the relationship, but was I really thinking about all that when I went through heart break? Of course not. I was thinking...how could she do something like that to such a good person like myself? "We were perfect for each other," I thought. Everybody thought so, so it had to be true. Same height and everything. All the things I did for her just made me feel like nothing. At the end of the day, I had to sit down and really think about what went wrong and why. I had to think about why she would break up with me, and I also had to think about why I should've broken up with her. As time goes on, and the more you dive into your past, you may realize that there's more to the story than what you realized.

 

I'm just going to accept that people are flimsy. As my ex put it, we were two alpha wolves. Not one of us wanted to take the first step, and our egos clashed. Then this made me question my personality.

 

I think I am in a state where I'm so confused, I don't know what I want anymore. The idea of a normal Christian life, an atomic family... I know I would be a good father but I couldn't do it by myself nor would I want to. It's like my religious upbringing has engrained this guilt complex into my value system preventing me from functioning... from sex drive to the ethical boundaries I consider in decision making that has in some ways, cost me opportunities and getting ahead.

 

I know I could live with the guilt and shame because I can easily rationalize and talk myself into believing things that I may not have believed. I could easily say **** all and lose my soul, and accept the consequences. I'm living in that reality everyday.

[TheyCallMeOx]

Thanks for the insight. Being in love made me lose myself, my identity and steer dangerously away from reality beyond the point of self-delusion. But when I decided to healthily focus on myself, I was ostracised by a past partner for not giving enough attention to her. That she missed me. That I was spending too much on myself and not on her, and when I did buy her stuff she told me I really didn't have to. She wasn't grateful.

 

And before a week of silence when she told me it was over, she wanted me to tell her how sexually attractive she was. I held my ground and only wished her the best to her exams. It wasn't unreasonable. I can only tell myself that I had lost her way before that point, and that she was using me.

 

I began believing in weird ideals, including one where love is unconditional. Ended up eating my own bull**** that screwed me over.

 

I get the feeling that this feminized society has only made women feel entitled to relationships they'd never have a chance with. I would even say that I shouldn't have helped her with her first job, because that only pushed her away from me.

 

I don't seek closure. I gave that half a year ago. Rather, I'm only trying to figure out why it's even worth going into relationships when everything is just dust. Like the stock market, no one knows where it's going and that people are afraid of realizing or making it real. Like McConaughey put it, the real players take the money and run after selling this whole idea to you that is really... nothing. Fairy dust.

 

With that mentality, we might as well be telling people suffering with depression to go ahead and kill themselves. What's the point in living when life sucks anyways? Good things happen to us, but then bad things happen that make the good things almost insignificant. It's all in your perspective; everyone has one, and that's fine. The problem is that you don't view it as "dust." The fact that you're here right now seemingly devastated from a previous relationship tells me that you view your past as more than nothing. You can sit here all day and try to compare business philosophies with relationships, but the fact of the matter is that you're hurt from a previous relationship, which is natural, and you've reached a point where you're like "what's the point?" You want to commit love suicide. You wanna give up, and now you're trying to find that reason to give up. There are some people in this world who are asexual and/or don't have that desire for a relationship, and that's fine. However, if you're just like me who enjoys the hell out of relationships and have gotten upset over a previous relationship that didn't work out in the end, you're only hurting yourself.

 

I used to want to commit love suicide, too. What's the point of relationships? What's the point of marriage? Things can and probably will end, anyways. Why try? I wish I could say that my ex-girlfriend was like a speck of dust, but the fact that I let one woman emotionally kill me until the point where I gave up on relationships entirely means that...that must of been ONE HELL Of a speck of dust. If that's what you call dust, then I'm weak as hell.

 

You have to accept your circumstances in order to move on from it. You're obviously hurt, and it obviously meant a great deal to you. Everything we do has a degree of risk to it, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't drive a car just because you don't want to run the risk of running over a child. Everything has a risk, and we try to take pre-cautions. When you learn about your previous relationship, you learn how to take pre-cautions and you learn how to spot certain things before they happen so you won't be as devastated as the last time.

[jonsnuh]

With that mentality, we might as well be telling people suffering with depression to go ahead and kill themselves. What's the point in living when life sucks anyways? Good things happen to us, but then bad things happen that make the good things almost insignificant. It's all in your perspective; everyone has one, and that's fine. The problem is that you don't view it as "dust." The fact that you're here right now seemingly devastated from a previous relationship tells me that you view your past as more than nothing. You can sit here all day and try to compare business philosophies with relationships, but the fact of the matter is that you're hurt from a previous relationship, which is natural, and you've reached a point where you're like "what's the point?" You want to commit love suicide. You wanna give up, and now you're trying to find that reason to give up. There are some people in this world who are asexual and/or don't have that desire for a relationship, and that's fine. However, if you're just like me who enjoys the hell out of relationships and have gotten upset over a previous relationship that didn't work out in the end, you're only hurting yourself.

 

I had contemplated it many times. I sought professional medical help then because I understood I couldn't help myself at that point. At first I believed what LSers thought I was doing was immature mentioning the end game to my ex, but I had not realized that I really was in trouble. I think I figured that there are many things that have hurt me, especially myself. I did a career suicide by destroying my GPA when I was in depression/anxiety that paralysed me from not giving a fart about going to classes, procrastinating deadlines... And on top of that, I wasn't in a field I wanted. I think my mind was hurting so much I wanted out, as a distraction. It was the worst thing I could do to myself. She had technically neutered me, and now I have my career to salvage. To tell myself that I don't have time for dating.

 

But hey, I told myself, there are children in Africa and people from broken families scraping a living. I had it easy compared to many people who are having it tough. I actually think moving to a smaller city surrounded by crime and unemployment will help me appreciate what I have and to value what I want.

 

I'm just curious, at what point did I compared business philosophy? If I did it was purely unintentional, and something I need to avoid doing because that could be a reason why my relationships are suffering. Dating is quite like finding jobs though, according to labour economic matching theory.

 

I used to want to commit love suicide, too. What's the point of relationships? What's the point of marriage? Things can and probably will end, anyways. Why try? I wish I could say that my ex-girlfriend was like a speck of dust, but the fact that I let one woman emotionally kill me until the point where I gave up on relationships entirely means that...that must of been ONE HELL Of a speck of dust. If that's what you call dust, then I'm weak as hell.

 

That's a very effective analogy. I feel as though she is like an STD, like HIV. It's something I have to live with for the rest of my life, to be careful not to infect someone with.

 

You have to accept your circumstances in order to move on from it. You're obviously hurt, and it obviously meant a great deal to you. Everything we do has a degree of risk to it, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't drive a car just because you don't want to run the risk of running over a child. Everything has a risk, and we try to take pre-cautions. When you learn about your previous relationship, you learn how to take pre-cautions and you learn how to spot certain things before they happen so you won't be as devastated as the last time.

 

This is compounded by the fact that the women I want don't want me, and given where I live right now. I have to admit it's pretty lonely without being around the fairer sex. You are quite right about being more experienced. I am no longer as naive and I won't let it get the better of me again. I fear that can no longer offer that innocent, pure love, but I also cannot let my skepticism/paranoia crush any chances of a beautiful chapter with kindred souls.

[PhillyConnection23]

In our last real conversation post break up I asked my ex, so what do the last 9 months mean? The trips, the dates, the conversations?

 

Her response was: "I'm closing a chapter in my life."

 

She didn't hate me, she didn't leave me for someone else. But whatever she was thinking, she thought it was enough to end that chapter in her life and start a new one with out me.

[JFReyes]

But isn't that selfish? One doesn't simply drop a partner and go GIGS because their partner may have gone through a temporary rough patch.

 

Yes, it happens all the time, justified or not. I've experienced that with a LTR (10+ years) partner. It sucks, but such is life. All I can say is that in many ways I'm a better person than I was before I met her.