I have a great girl, but I'm still not sure!

[proverbs]

Hello everyone,

 

I have been dating my gf for about 8 months now. She is awesome. Very caring, smart, funny, and loyal. The problem is, I'm not SUPER attracted to her. She is not my type physically, but we get along so well and the sex is great. I also always thought that a great couple would have similar interests. However, in our case, we are very different in our likes and dislikes. I think what really holds us together is because we trust each other and really care about each other.

 

I know that her feelings for me our stronger than my feelings for her. Is this a problem?

 

I've went out with some extremely attractive girls before. I remember feeling so proud to show them off in public and letting everyone see this beautiful girl on my arm. When my friends would see these girls, they would basically drool and ask me how I got such a hot girl. But, when it came down to personality, it was a total mismatch. I basically had to be a completely different person to get these women. With my current gf, I have always been myself and she loves and accepts everything about me. I still am proud of her, but not so much in her looks, but because of her personality. When my friends met her, they never said, "Oh wow, she's hot. You have to teach me your ways!", they were more like, "Man, she is so cool and funny. I want to hang out with her again!". I don't know why, but it bothered me, even though both are such great compliments.

 

Am I being a shallow jerk? She is attractive to me, just not like how I felt about some of the "hot" girls I dated. Do I search for the total package, or stick with this OVERALL great girl. I do love her, but not sure how much.

[Grumpybutfun]

You seem to be more concerned with impressing your friends than having a deep meaningful relationship. Yes, you are shallow and yes, you should break up with her because she sounds great and needs someone who will value her for the right reasons. In life, you will have friends come and go but your partner you choose will be the one you build a life and family with. I wouldn't choose based on what my friends think or what she looks like, but then I'm not immature, shallow and silly either.

Release her so she can find a grown-up,

Grumps

[Taramere]

Am I being a shallow jerk? She is attractive to me, just not like how I felt about some of the "hot" girls I dated. Do I search for the total package, or stick with this OVERALL great girl. I do love her, but not sure how much.

 

There's a line in Dangerous Liaisons. "Vanity and happiness are incompatible." I wish you would end your relationship with what sounds like a healthy, happy and very functional girl before your issues become hers. Or, at least, be honest with her about how you feel so that she can think about what to do next.

[bubbaganoosh]

You have a girl that not only loves you but respects you and treats you in a really good manner and no doubt if something would happen to you such as being ill or something that has a bad effect on your life, no doubt she would be there for you.

 

Those kinds of women go in the "keeper column". Now on the other hand if you want a woman who can't pass up a mirror and is more worried about if he purse matches her shoes that match her pants that match her earrings that match her underwear and would blow you off if someone else strikes her fancy, then by all means dump her and go find the super model.

 

You never realize how much you have until you see how much you have to lose, so you better think twice before you do something that you will regret.

[salparadise]

I've went out with some extremely attractive girls before. I remember feeling so proud to show them off in public and letting everyone see this beautiful girl on my arm. When my friends would see these girls, they would basically drool and ask me how I got such a hot girl. But, when it came down to personality, it was a total mismatch. I basically had to be a completely different person to get these women. With my current gf, I have always been myself and she loves and accepts everything about me. I still am proud of her, but not so much in her looks, but because of her personality.

 

Well, if you think there is a chance that you'll ever figure out that you are not your ego, then I suggest that you start working on that right now and learn to love and appreciate her for who she is and not because of your friends' drool factor.

 

If that's not going to happen then have the decency to cut her loose rather than wasting her youth on a shallow, narcissistic jerk. You've got what everyone wants and don't know how to appreciate it. How long do you think those hotties will stick around once they see through the facade? And how long would you even be willing to try and maintain a facade... ok I probably don't want to know the answer to that.

 

She deserves better. You need to get real with yourself dude.

[MissBee]

Yes you're being shallow...

 

I mean you said it yourself, with these "hot girls" you had to be a different person and basically were very mismatched but it was an ego boost for you that your friends would drool over them, i.e. you used these women as trophies to make you feel like you accomplished something by "getting them" like men who hunt wild game and come back with the carcass to show to their buddies, even though the actual relationship had no substance.

 

Now you have a girl whom you trust, care about, can be yourself with, sex is good etc but aren't sure because she isn't someone you can parade around like a show pony and have your friends hi-five you about how hot her body is? I mean come on.....

 

She deserves to be with a man who values her and if you can't, leave her. But at the end of the day it comes down to what ultimately matters to you. If Ms. Hot But We Have Nothing In Common and I have to Pretend to Keep Her makes you feel better simply to have people drool over having a real relationship, then choose that.

 

For me though, I don't date men so people can drool over them. I date men that I care about, who care for me, who treat me well, who have qualities I want and whom I'm attracted to. Attraction for me is more than just "he looks hot". Being with someone who makes you feel good, loved, supported, can make you laugh and all of that feels a million times better than being with someone nice to look at or who others think is hot but the relationship is empty. Yes, it is very superficial and really stupid to admit these other relationships were of no substance but you still value, for whatever reason, the fact that other people will drool over them. I mean looks fade....someone who will care for you, have your back, love you, make you laugh etc. to me seems way more worth it than having a strained "relationship" with someone I'm with mostly so that other people can drool....you really shouldn't be living your life where the validation of others matters that much to you. It's not even like your friends don't like your gf, they compliment you on how funny, smart etc she is...so the question is: why aren't you as proud to be complimented on having a gf with a great personality/character as you are of being complimented on your gf's looks?

 

That is shallow. I'd rather be complimented on my man being smart, sweet, funny, a great guy than all my friends can say is "Wow, he's hot!" I'm not saying the hot part isn't nice too but you seem to value that above all else, even when you admit these hot people came with nothing more.

Edited May 22, 2014 by MissBee

[Woggle]

I talk about women who pass up great guys to date some alpha jerk and you sound like the male version of them. Don't be mad when she is with a guy that appreciates her and you are stuck with miss entitled princess.

[d0nnivain]

Since you at least understand what your problem is -- if you can overcome it, the relationship has a chance, if you change.

 

 

Think about what you really want -- the envy of your friends because you married a hot girl who won't stay hot forever or a great person who will be as much fun at 65 as she was at 25. The choice is yours.

[Taramere]

You've been dating her for 8 months, right? Meaning she's the girl in this thread

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/451024-can-t-get-over-gf-s-past-she-lied-about#post5424339

 

So there's been another issue here. That of her having more sexual experience than you - and you perceiving her as having lied to you at the beginning of the relationship (can't really see that she did lie, but I wasn't there. Maybe you had cause to feel misled).

 

I'm just wondering if you've got some negative or resentful feelings towards her that aren't really coming out in the thread. If there's more to this than just "she's really cool but unfortunately not as pretty as some of the women I've been with." Any residual resentment or insecurity for instance?

[EverLastluv]

The point is MAN not attractive to woman with extra pounds on. Its just human nature. If you love your woman for her personality and the sex is great, probably you should try to make her feel more sexy just by telling her how beautiful she is.... and maybe one day, encourage her to work out with you and gradually she would change her apearace.

[Smilecharmer]

I think you should break up with her because if you truly cared for her she would be the most beautiful woman you've ever known and you wouldn't care at all what your friends thought about her appearance.

[Michelle ma Belle]

There's a line in Dangerous Liaisons. "Vanity and happiness are incompatible." I wish you would end your relationship with what sounds like a healthy, happy and very functional girl before your issues become hers. Or, at least, be honest with her about how you feel so that she can think about what to do next.

 

Seriously. You are being incredibly shallow. The fact that you strung this great girl along for so long despite the fact that YOU think she is not attractive enough for you is unforgivable.

 

Grow up already. Do the right thing and let her go so she can find someone who will appreciate her.

 

And by the way, unlike Taramere, I do NOT think it's a good idea to tell her the truth about why you're breaking up with her. THAT will destroy her for better than you.

[Smilecharmer]

The point is MAN not attractive to woman with extra pounds on. Its just human nature. If you love your woman for her personality and the sex is great, probably you should try to make her feel more sexy just by telling her how beautiful she is.... and maybe one day, encourage her to work out with you and gradually she would change her apearace.

 

 

No one mentioned weight on either party.

[potsticker]

I think you should break up with her because if you truly cared for her she would be the most beautiful woman you've ever known and you wouldn't care at all what your friends thought about her appearance.

 

you mean if he truly was in love with her. I have a female friend I truly care about that I'm not interested at all physically romantically etc. etc.

[Taramere]

SAnd by the way, unlike Taramere, I do NOT think it's a good idea to tell her the truth about why you're breaking up with her. THAT will destroy her for better than you.

 

Well, following on from my last post I wonder if he's even clear with himself about why he's prevaricating over this relationship. He seems to be looking for reasons to get out. Whether because she's more sexually experienced than him or because he doesn't regard her as being as pretty as previous girlfriends who knows. The latter certainly sounds like a more ego-preserving reason, even if it exposes him to disapproval and accusations of being shallow.

 

Either way, it sounds as though this is a case of him feeling that he should be regarding her as a keeper, but just isn't feeling it. Maybe because he's shallow, or maybe some instinct is telling him that they're not as compatible for the long term as it might appear right now.

 

If the reality is that he's just not clear about why he feels lukewarm about her, compared to previous girlfriends, then I agree - presenting her with reasons that might not even be the real reasons will just be destructive and unkind. Better to say "I don't know why it's not working out for me, but it just isn't."

[somedude81]

How many of you would suggest that a woman stays with a man who is physically not her type nor she is attracted to him?

 

There is much hypocrisy here.

 

 

proverbs, if you aren't attracted to her, break up with her.

[EverLastluv]

No one mentioned weight on either party.

 

so what is " phisically" not attractive? lol I am pretty sure all female is beautiful eather naturally or with some make up on

[Taramere]

How many of you would suggest that a woman stays with a man who is physically not her type nor she is attracted to him?

 

There is much hypocrisy here.

 

 

proverbs, if you aren't attracted to her, break up with her.

 

Then we can all help him put together a dating profile to find a worthier specimen.

[d0nnivain]

How many of you would suggest that a woman stays with a man who is physically not her type nor she is attracted to him?

 

There is much hypocrisy here.

 

 

proverbs, if you aren't attracted to her, break up with her.

 

 

I tell women all the time to stick with the good guys as long as there is some attraction.

 

 

As I read the OP's post he's dating an average woman who is otherwise a great match for him & who enables him to be himself. He asked if he should dump her to date a supermodel type who requires him to change his personality & values to get & keep her just so his buddies will be envious.

[Michelle ma Belle]

How many of you would suggest that a woman stays with a man who is physically not her type nor she is attracted to him?

 

There is much hypocrisy here.

 

 

proverbs, if you aren't attracted to her, break up with her.

 

If the OP was a woman complaining about how she's with a great guy but he is not "hot" enough to stand next to her, I wouldn't hesitate for a moment to take a strip off of her as I have this OP.

 

No hypocrisy here for me.

 

The difference I think between men and women when it comes to attraction and falling in love is that MOST often women possess an innate ability to fall in love with men that might not otherwise register on their radar initially because of other attributes like a strong character, sense of humor, personality etc. that make them attractive. I certainly have found myself here many times.

 

Men on the other hand are far more physical creatures. Their attraction and ability to commit is often tied to just what they see with their eyes regardless if the woman has other outstanding attributes that make her a great catch. The OP is a perfect example of this!

 

As always there are exceptions to any rule! I'm not saying that EVERY man and woman are like this but a great majority are.

 

And that's all I have to say about that

[Taramere]

I tell women all the time to stick with the good guys as long as there is some attraction.

 

 

As I read the OP's post he's dating an average woman who is otherwise a great match for him & who enables him to be himself. He asked if he should dump her to date a supermodel type who requires him to change his personality & values to get & keep her just so his buddies will be envious.

 

Right. I would be more than happy to be able to say the following

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months now. He is awesome. Very caring, smart, funny, and loyal. The problem is, I'm not SUPER attracted to him. He is not my type physically, but we get along so well and the sex is great.

 

If there's enough of an attraction for great sex to happen, then clearly the girlfriend's failure to live up to supermodel standards isn't the end of the world. The issue here, that people are focusing on, is his emphasis on his friends failing to define her as hot.

[jbelle6]

When I met my ex I was not blown away at first, then I fell madly in love with him and he became the most handsome in the world to me. I didn't even notice anyone else.

 

If you don't feel this way about the girl you are seeing then I think the kindest thing would be to let her go so she can find someone who cherishes her. I get the feeling you might leave her for the next thing that turns your head.

 

I saw on your other post you mentioned you are 31, I think it's time to worry less about what your friends think at this point.

[regine_phalange]

Do her a favor and leave her be, then. Set her free, if you really care about her. I can assure you: for each man (and his friends) that doesn't think his girlfriend is hot enough, there is always another man (and his friends, or maybe who cares what his friends think) who sees her as a goddess walking on earth.

[Ninjainpajamas]

*flies away from planet "Holier than thou" onto planet Earth*

 

Look, what you're feeling is pretty typical for a lot of guys...there's a pros and cons negotiation that can takes place mentally before they decide whether she's the right girl or not, perfectly normal when you're trying to figure out what's right for you.

 

I'm sure you feel like you want to take this girl and everything she is and place her into another girls body that fits your physical ideal...it's a pretty common situation for both men and women.

 

I think she isn't the right girl for you at the moment. She treats you exceptionally well and I think you're going to regret losing her one day if you let her go, but that's life, you'll may always question whether you made the all the right choices in the past or not or simply not care. However you are also always going to feel a bit conflicted if you force yourself to stay, because you're not that physically into her which will limit the romantic feelings you have for her.

 

I've seen women fall for men that they weren't initially attracted to, I've even seen women who aren't particularly attracted to anyone without getting to know the guy and feel him out a bit....but I do not know any guys who ultimately fall head over heels for a woman just because she treats him right and ultimately "saw the light", no matter how good she is to him, that doesn't mean he ultimately settled for to be with her, technically that's a "good choice" for him, and this is real life not a fairy tale, it hardly happens under ideal circumstances and just like in fantasy even if it appears so initially...it just seems like the physical is naturally more apart of a mans psyche and interest, I've definitely seen plenty of men go the distance and lay out the red carpet for women they've found very attractive even though she appeared to have little other redeeming qualities and usually a pretty bad attitude, as if she punished and pitied him for treating her so well.

 

I would ultimately say it's better to let her find someone who is very physically into her and sees her as his ideal, that way he'll have that romantic motivation that guys need in order to feel inclined to get to that emotional level. Although I think men can date anyone, very well nearly sleep with anything, even if they weren't ultimately that attracted to the woman...it's a whole other thing for the long-term, that guy is going to peel away and start looking at other women and take an opportunity if one is interested in them.

 

What I see with age and how people are selective in mates, is that the criteria or expectation for physical attraction becomes less on both sides, and they start to value more "meaningful" qualities and virtues in their partners, but that's because their @rse is getting old on the same hand too, let's be realistic...so they kind of have to look at things that way anyway, hard to be critical on someone else when you have your own obvious flaws and are aging...and plus, you mature anyway and tend to appreciate things more and see things from a different perspective...but if people stayed young forever, it probably wouldn't be considered as "shallow" not to settle down with someone because of their appearance.

 

You can't settle down with this girl and feel right within yourself because you aren't there yet, maybe in another 10 or 20 years....I don't know, ask the old men...just in person, not on LS

[Absinthe]

Mate, if you're "not sure" then you've got your answer right there.

 

Just don't break up with her, realise you made a mistake and come crawling back only to have the same doubts. From personal experience, that one does a number on your head.