we were really into each other, now talking to her is like labour?

June 27, 2014

If a woman bases how she feels about me by what I do for her then I don't want to know her. It works both ways, girls don't become more attractive to me by what they do for me but by who they are as a person. The rest is just nice.

You can go on dates with friends, it means nothing. The time you spend together in bed and conversing is how you REALLY get to know a lover. Obviously people don't realize this and assign love to everything they do for each other.

I want girls to know on the inside that they love me for me. People look at what they have with you, and ask themselves why they love you.

When I say love I'm talking about early feelings here, honeymoon love. I never said REAL love.

if you manage your expectations properly from the outset, cut the dating crap out you end up with a girl who thinks to herself "But I'm still crazy about him anyway. Wow. I must really like him. I must really like him, for him."

Then add in more things later, around the attraction.

I DID want to keep things casual. This is why I didn't call her every day and text her every day, take her places, spend every other day with her. So she wouldn't see things as being quite serious expecting a lot of my time because I treated her like a guy who's quite serious about her would, and because I gave her a lot of my time.

To save myself some headache, and to save her some heartache, I set early relationship expectations.

Most men start off giving women the world, then gradually cut back. Most women end up bitter and jaded because of this. Personally, I'm a big, big believer in promising less and delivering more. It's how you build real loyalty with people. Most people promise more and deliver less. That's how you build resentment and disloyalty, no good.

I like how you say it was a FWB but then go on to say that if a guy didn't take you out or meet your friends you'd be put off. That's not casual though is it? So she shouldn't even expect that anyways if she's given me a FWB.

I don't expect her to act like a girlfriend, but even a FWB doesn't act cold and distant.

I'm not blaming her for anything, just thought she was more interested and if it's because she likes me and doesn't want to get hurt, it would be nice if she said "I don't want to meet you anymore" rather than ignore me.

Listen, if 10 different people on here all agree and think you're wrong, you're probably wrong. You really don't know what you want. You want to keep it casual and push her away, but you don't want her to then keep her distance. You want it to be casual, yet you want her to chase you when you are sending her confusing messages and signals.

You don't know what you want. And you are hurting another person in the meantime. You can say that it's all in conversation as much as you want, till the sun turns blue. The fact remains that part of who you are and part of showing another person you care is doing little things for them to show them you care. It's spending time talking to them and getting to know them. But it's also putting in an effort to make the person feel wanted and special - take them to a nice dinner, a movie, a show you would both enjoy etc. Build memories and good times together. OR - you can lay around the house all the time, have conversation, and then end up in this scenario but refuse to listen to any advice.

No woman on earth is going to be satisfied with just laying around the house all the time no matter what you tell yourself or how you rationalize this. You keep saying everyone else doesn't get it, everyone else is wrong. But if 10 people on a relationship forum are telling you that you aren't making the best decisions, then maybe it's something to consider.

Again, you jsut don't know what you want. You want to keep it casual but you're upset that she then distanced herself and also kept it casual. Move on from this and don't play with people's emotions.

June 27, 2014

You can go on dates with friends, it means nothing. The time you spend together in bed and conversing is how you REALLY get to know a lover. Obviously people don't realize this and assign love to everything they do for each other.

(how is the time one spends in bed talking how you REALLY get to know some one and why dose that talking have to be in bed? again to me it seams you link bed/sex with love imo)

I want girls to know on the inside that they love me for me. People look at what they have with you, and ask themselves why they love you.

(Well I think that's exactly what she did and obivisely it wasn't enough for her to only be good enough for a FWB situation even tho she was interested no women wants a long term FWB when they end up caring past that cause they will start to resent the fact its a purely sexual relationship)

When I say love I'm talking about early feelings here, honeymoon love. I never said REAL love.

(This confuses me so you want a non serious love? I think you are more afraid of this then you realize and its best to let her go at this point)

To save myself some headache, and to save her some heartache, I set early relationship expectations.

(really and what exactly were those set out expectations? did you sit her down and make things crystal clear that it was to be ONLY a in home hook up thing? and she was ok with that?)

I like how you say it was a FWB but then go on to say that if a guy didn't take you out or meet your friends you'd be put off. That's not casual though is it? So she shouldn't even expect that anyways if she's given me a FWB.

(I personality don't do FWB these days so no if a guy didn't show some serious interest or at least wasn't afraid to take me out in public then yea I would be def be put off..You right she shouldn't expect it just like you shouldn't be expecting her to be acting more interested then need be..)

I don't expect her to act like a girlfriend, but even a FWB doesn't act cold and distant.

(You sure about that? is this your 1st FWB? basically its a arrangement in were as two people use each other for sex that's it sex that is the main goal of a FWB sex wam bam ty mam no strings attached some even don't hang around to have "friendly chat" afterwards..least that's how alot are imo anyways that's why its sometimes not a good idea to sleep with good friends cause rarely dose it work out long term)

I'm not blaming her for anything, just thought she was more interested and if it's because she likes me and doesn't want to get hurt, it would be nice if she said "I don't want to meet you anymore" rather than ignore me.

(Agreed she could have said that but I think you also could have said and done things differently to prob come to a much nicer outcome for both of you so yeah its on you both at this point)

June 27, 2014

If a woman bases how she feels about me by what I do for her then I don't want to know her.

Then why are you still complaining about this girl? 'You don't want to know her', so move on. Let her go. In the future, probably better to tell a girl explicitly what you want from her, so she can make an informed decision (and you also won't be left hanging).

You can go on dates with friends, it means nothing. The time you spend together in bed and conversing is how you REALLY get to know a lover. Obviously people don't realize this and assign love to everything they do for each other.

Again, your opinion. You are entitled to this but this is not true for the majority of people. IMO being out in the world with someone, seeing how they treat waiters, seeing how they interact with other people, seeing whether or not they put in effort to bring you to your favourite place or to treat you in a gentlemanly manner - all that shows as much about a person as 'spending time with them in bed' does. On the other hand a man who only wants sex and never dates also says a lot about him, to me.

When I say love I'm talking about early feelings here, honeymoon love. I never said REAL love.

Well, 'early honeymoon feelings' for many women do involve dates.

Most men start off giving women the world, then gradually cut back. Most women end up bitter and jaded because of this. Personally, I'm a big, big believer in promising less and delivering more. It's how you build real loyalty with people. Most people promise more and deliver less. That's how you build resentment and disloyalty, no good.

IME the ones who have lasting, happy Rs both promise and deliver. My SO started off by taking me out on dates (before we -gasp!- had sex even). 6 years down the road, been through several of life's hardships together, still going out on dates... Edited June 27, 2014 by Elswyth

July 2, 2014

Not true, 10 different people can all be wrong.

"Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is still the truth." -Gandhi

On that note not saying I don't agree with what you are all saying (some of it is good advice), just some things are not true like the fact I want to keep it casual (I genuinely like this girl).

I do know what I want, it just changed from casual to deep feelings over the months. I don't see how I'm hurting anyone, she's not made any demands or raised any questions.

Nobody takes a casual relationship partner (FWB) to movies, or dinners, that was never an expectation for both of us. I WOULD do that if we started exclusive yes.

Laying around the house having sex is what FWB do. No strings attached etc. Just fun.

I'm not playing with anyone's emotions, I kept this casual from the start, didn't act like a boyfriend. She hasn't expressed deeper emotions and she has no idea how I truly feel.

I know what I want, I want her. I'm not upset she distanced herself because I didn't want her to ask me to be her boyfriend. I wasn't looking for that, I enjoy being single. I did get worried that she was losing interest as a casual partner because I liked her as a casual partner. She's really grew on me though but now I'm worried it's too late and she's gone off me by now.

I could of done things differently but feelings changed, I would of asked her out whilst we were together and the iron was hot but I didn't feel the way I do now. I was getting to know her then, I don't like to enter a relationship straight away to find out I don't really like them and have to hurt them.

Elswyth - I didn't mean her, I meant a woman in general. I agree it's important to see people out in the world and maybe I should of took her on dates, though wouldn't that be leading her on as girlfriend material (which I wasn't looking for).

Well I sent her a fb message on Saturday, just a link to a band we like playing live near us. She didn't reply. I left it.

Sent her another message today basically saying I missed her (in a light hearted over the top way to not seem needy). She replied:

Heeey g. sorry, I have been uber busy lately ): festival season

I have no idea what to do now. I don't think she's interested because a girl is never too busy to message a guy who she is genuinely interested in. She's more than likely messaging other people.

If I could get her to meet me again and get things going I could ask her out. This is all a terrible idea right? I should just give up on her?

It's her birthday in two weeks and I already bought her something, would be weird to give her it if we end up not talking now.

I just hope that she IS busy and you are all right about her getting tired of it being just casual.

I haven't seen this girl for nearly two months now and still I can't stop thinking about her everyday but it's getting me down too because we aren't together and I don't think she wants us to be. If I ask and she says no I'll probably be hurt :/ I've tried talking to other women and going on dates but it just makes me appreciate her even more.

Edited July 2, 2014 by MoooOinkBaaa

July 2, 2014

I'm not playing with anyone's emotions, I kept this casual from the start, didn't act like a boyfriend. She hasn't expressed deeper emotions and she has no idea how I truly feel.

I know what I want, I want her. I'm not upset she distanced herself because I didn't want her to ask me to be her boyfriend. I wasn't looking for that, I enjoy being single. I did get worried that she was losing interest as a casual partner because I liked her as a casual partner. She's really grew on me though but now I'm worried it's too late and she's gone off me by now.

If I could get her to meet me again and get things going I could ask her out. This is all a terrible idea right? I should just give up on her?
.

1st off you know she had deeper feelings when you looked in her art book that was clear as day don't dismiss that it happened.. second I really don't think you know what you want? one min your saying you want to be single then the next you would ask her out if you got the chance well whats stopping you? you seam to text her ok..

Now text her and this time be honest and tell her you want to be more then bed buddies. Cause like we have said shes prob distanced herself cause she wasn't happy with that set up.

So you texting I miss yous at this point really doesn't amount to a hill of beans with a women who feels shes being used for sex. I could be wrong but yeah to me it points that way..its up to you tho in the end ether take the chance or let her go..

July 2, 2014

I haven't seen this girl for nearly two months now and still I can't stop thinking about her everyday but it's getting me down too because we aren't together and I don't think she wants us to be. If I ask and she says no I'll probably be hurt :/ I've tried talking to other women and going on dates but it just makes me appreciate her even more.

You'll get over it. Time to find a new f*** buddy. Isn't one of the whole points of having those to keep a lot of variety in your sex life?

Tip: Next time, don't spend too much time over at their house. Just have the fun sex, and leave. All that laying around the house actually is kind of boyfriend-like behavior, and can easily give a message that you did not mean to convey. And then you never take it anywhere … that will definitely push most women away. If you want to be FWB, keep it super casual.

Have fun.

July 2, 2014

Not true, 10 different people can all be wrong.

"Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is still the truth." -Gandhi

On that note not saying I don't agree with what you are all saying (some of it is good advice), just some things are not true like the fact I want to keep it casual (I genuinely like this girl).

I do know what I want, it just changed from casual to deep feelings over the months. I don't see how I'm hurting anyone, she's not made any demands or raised any questions.

Nobody takes a casual relationship partner (FWB) to movies, or dinners, that was never an expectation for both of us. I WOULD do that if we started exclusive yes.

Laying around the house having sex is what FWB do. No strings attached etc. Just fun.

I'm not playing with anyone's emotions, I kept this casual from the start, didn't act like a boyfriend. She hasn't expressed deeper emotions and she has no idea how I truly feel.

I know what I want, I want her. I'm not upset she distanced herself because I didn't want her to ask me to be her boyfriend. I wasn't looking for that, I enjoy being single. I did get worried that she was losing interest as a casual partner because I liked her as a casual partner. She's really grew on me though but now I'm worried it's too late and she's gone off me by now.

I could of done things differently but feelings changed, I would of asked her out whilst we were together and the iron was hot but I didn't feel the way I do now. I was getting to know her then, I don't like to enter a relationship straight away to find out I don't really like them and have to hurt them.

Elswyth - I didn't mean her, I meant a woman in general. I agree it's important to see people out in the world and maybe I should of took her on dates, though wouldn't that be leading her on as girlfriend material (which I wasn't looking for).

Well I sent her a fb message on Saturday, just a link to a band we like playing live near us. She didn't reply. I left it.

Sent her another message today basically saying I missed her (in a light hearted over the top way to not seem needy). She replied:

I have no idea what to do now. I don't think she's interested because a girl is never too busy to message a guy who she is genuinely interested in. She's more than likely messaging other people.

If I could get her to meet me again and get things going I could ask her out. This is all a terrible idea right? I should just give up on her?
It's her birthday in two weeks and I already bought her something, would be weird to give her it if we end up not talking now.
I just hope that she IS busy and you are all right about her getting tired of it being just casual.

I haven't seen this girl for nearly two months now and still I can't stop thinking about her everyday but it's getting me down too because we aren't together and I don't think she wants us to be. If I ask and she says no I'll probably be hurt :/ I've tried talking to other women and going on dates but it just makes me appreciate her even more.

You are incredibly stubborn. You're failing to see and understand the painfully obvious, and this is why you're in this situation. This is ALSO WHY you can't fix it and you're better off moving on. She wouldn't go 2 months without seeing you if she was interested. Nobody on earth is that busy.

There are so many contradictions just in this above post, that it's very clear why she backed off. But I know this is falling on deaf ears, so good luck.

July 2, 2014

1st off you know she had deeper feelings when you looked in her art book that was clear as day don't dismiss that it happened.. second I really don't think you know what you want? one min your saying you want to be single then the next you would ask her out if you got the chance well whats stopping you? you seam to text her ok..

Now text her and this time be honest and tell her you want to be more then bed buddies. Cause like we have said shes prob distanced herself cause she wasn't happy with that set up.

So you texting I miss yous at this point really doesn't amount to a hill of beans with a women who feels shes being used for sex. I could be wrong but yeah to me it points that way..its up to you tho in the end ether take the chance or let her go..

I didn't know about the artbook until six weeks after I first met her, until then I had no idea.

Sorry meant enjoyed* being single not enjoy*

You sure she feels she's been used for sex though? I saw her weekends, contact wasn't sporadic, I stayed more than one night. Also I remember she said it was weird how we never talked about sex prior to meeting, but every other guy does. Also the last time I saw her (when I started to like her more than a FWB) I invited her to meet my friends, and go skating with me in the summer.

,

You'll get over it. Time to find a new f*** buddy. Isn't one of the whole points of having those to keep a lot of variety in your sex life?

Tip: Next time, don't spend too much time over at their house. Just have the fun sex, and leave. All that laying around the house actually is kind of boyfriend-like behavior, and can easily give a message that you did not mean to convey. And then you never take it anywhere … that will definitely push most women away. If you want to be FWB, keep it super casual.

Have fun.

I already have other f**** buddies I could call, it's not me though, I'm not a jack the lad type of guy. You're right about laying around the house been boyfriend behaviour, I think I was kidding myself choosing to do that in the first place.

Should I be straight up honest about how I feel? Or should I let her know in less obvious ways like inviting offering to take her some places? So she can see I'm not just using her...

July 2, 2014

I didn't know about the artbook until six weeks after I first met her, until then I had no idea.
Sorry meant enjoyed* being single not enjoy*
You sure she feels she's been used for sex though? I saw her weekends, contact wasn't sporadic, I stayed more than one night. Also I remember she said it was weird how we never talked about sex prior to meeting, but every other guy does. Also the last time I saw her (when I started to like her more than a FWB) I invited her to meet my friends, and go skating with me in the summer.
,

I already have other f**** buddies I could call, it's not me though, I'm not a jack the lad type of guy. You're right about laying around the house been boyfriend behaviour, I think I was kidding myself choosing to do that in the first place.

Should I be straight up honest about how I feel? Or should I let her know in less obvious ways like inviting offering to take her some places? So she can see I'm not just using her...

Yay!!! I think we are making some progress here OP I think your starting to open your eyes good on you! YES you should be straight forward and tell her exactly how you feel but don't be pushy just honest if she responds positively great! take things from there. But there is a chance its to late so you also have to respect that if it happens. Now if you tell her and she kind of still blows you off then im sorry its time to cut your ties and move on.

Cause once a girl knows clear cut a man likes her if she has any inkling of liking him back she will make some time some how..and to answer your question of me yes I do believe she ether feels she was used or she wanted more and saw it wasn't really going in that direction ether way only confronting things and being 100% honest can clear things up at this point good luck and be strong..

And don't forget at the end of the day you will walk away with a lesson learned here and that in itself is very valuable if your open to it..

July 3, 2014

I am trying! hehehe

What you say makes sense, I should tell her straight up.

I'm thinking tell her how I feel now because meeting up again without knowing is pointless because if she doesn't like me... then I'll have to move on anyways. Once I tell her, she won't want to talk to me ever again right? And cause I like her there is no point hurting myself hooking up with her again?

We had a nice convo today, she is definitely more reserved though these days.

I just don't know how to ask her out. Wouldn't it be best when she is enjoying talking to me? If I ask out of the blue she's going to say no... because it's random and awkward...

Edited July 3, 2014 by MoooOinkBaaa

July 3, 2014

I am trying! hehehe
What you say makes sense, I should tell her straight up.

I'm thinking tell her how I feel now because meeting up again without knowing is pointless because if she doesn't like me... then I'll have to move on anyways. Once I tell her, she won't want to talk to me ever again right? And cause I like her there is no point hurting myself hooking up with her again?

We had a nice convo today, she is definitely more reserved though these days.

I just don't know how to ask her out. Wouldn't it be best when she is enjoying talking to me? If I ask out of the blue she's going to say no... because it's random and awkward...

Once you tell her she will then be free to make a informed decision on weather or not she wants to move forward dating you yes. But that doesn't mean she will automatically lose intrest in you all together no your confidence needs some work OP its time to be positive head up women like a positive guy!

Imo yes if things do not go the way you would like I wouldn't hook up anymore that doesn't mean you cant be casual friends but no sex as you say it will only hurt you in the long run. Yes you can work it into a nice convo that's always good remember shes a artiest it sounds? so random is right up ally ide imagine..but yea you will know when the times right and then go for it..

July 3, 2014

Haha I know this is causing me a right downer, need to get it out the way!

More than likely she will stop talking to me altogether, considering she never initiates with me now.

Part of me thinks why show her my feelings, when she doesn't initiate a conversation with me anymore. Why would I put myself out for someone who wouldn't do the same in return?

Edited July 3, 2014 by MoooOinkBaaa

July 4, 2014

Haha I know this is causing me a right downer, need to get it out the way!
More than likely she will stop talking to me altogether, considering she never initiates with me now.

Part of me thinks why show her my feelings, when she doesn't initiate a conversation with me anymore. Why would I put myself out for someone who wouldn't do the same in return?

Because if you don't then you will never know what might have been even a flat out rejection is better then that believe me some ones got to give the fact we are even having this conversation means there is reason to..

July 6, 2014

I got a message from her this morning...

This feels weird saying it over Facebook but I feel like I have no choice... We should stay friends, I'm not feeling it anymore. I just think my subconscious won't let me be tied down.
Don't worry, you're still getting banana wheetabix hah

This was out the blue, just in response to me saying hello.

I knew she wasn't feeling it anymore. Looks like it was too late to ask her out and she's lost those feelings since we haven't seen each other for two months.

I guess this is a good thing because it means I liked her a lot more than she liked me. I need to find someone who would still have feelings for me like I did her.

Should I keep how I really feel about her to myself?

I guess me asking to meet up again has caused her to send this. It's a bad idea to stay friends if I have feelings for her right?

July 6, 2014

It's a bad idea to "stay friends" if you are not actually a friend. Like, if you are just hanging around hoping things will turn out different.

It doesn't seem like a friendship had developed. You haven't seen each other in 2 months, that doesn't sound very friendly to me.

Best to close that chapter, IMO. Hope you learned something from it.

July 7, 2014

Well im sorry OP yes it looks like you lost that opportunity imo I would prob just cut ties and move on nothing worse then trying to be buddies with a person you have romantic feelings for but like I said you now know what you did wrong in this situation hopefully and can learn from it that in itself is valuable..no no point in telling her at this point if shes not feeling things anymore shes not telling her is just going to make things awkward..

July 7, 2014

Thanks for the advice. I'm not going to stay friends. I guess what I learned here is to make my intentions more clear from the start and ask a girl out soon if I like her.

I learned that a casual relationship needs to be more casual so I/we don't develop feelings.

I hope the next girl I don't fall for. If I do hopefully it will be fast and I can ask her out whilst the iron is hot. Whilst her attraction window is open.

This one closed.

July 7, 2014

I learned that a casual relationship needs to be more casual so I/we don't develop feelings.

Not everyone is cut out for casual sexual relationships, you know.

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