MoooOinkBaaa Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Serious post. So this girl I was talking to for a month. We got to flirting and we hooked up, got intimate. I stayed at hers for 3-4 days three times over five weeks. She was always really happy for me to arrange seeing her. Now I feel like she's lost interest in me, I'm always the one to say hello, sometimes she doesn't even reply, feels like labour. Last time I saw her the last two days sucked, she got colder and colder and by the last day she wouldn't hug or kiss me and we didn't hardly talk at all. She went to kiss me goodbye as I got on the bus and that was it. She's been a bit hot and cold but now mostly cold. I decided to test her (text) I said "I want you to kiss me" and she said "I feel ill". Seems like an excuse to me, I would still kiss someone I was interested in even if I felt ill. Last week I was looking through her art sketchbook and saw she wrote about me. Basically it said how she's met the most immature, irritating, passionate, lovely, beautiful vegan (I'm the only vegan she knows). It was pretty long, saying how she loves my hair, eyes, arms, stupid sense of humour, amazing bedroom skills. How she's very CLOSELY in love and if I keep on being this wonderful she'd no doubt end up falling arse over tits for me and how it's not like her at all. She said right now she's smitten and very sexually satisfied. This scared me because I don't feel that way about her yet, I do really like her but I'm weary of having a girlfriend and don't want to hurt her. I've been making sure to not act like a boyfriend around her. I had no idea she liked me this much. Do you think she's lost interest or she's just distancing herself or maybe even just found someone else now? I'll talk to her a little more and if she's still aloof then I'll point it out and move on. Just need some opinions on this? I'm new to dating again after eight years so I'm kind of clueless.
Potz4prez Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Sounds like you gave her too much too quickly, and now she's bored. Like hanging out 3-4 times a week? Damn, live your life. I say move on before she does. And what the hell kind of test is a "kiss me" text??? 2
Author MoooOinkBaaa Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 She lives an hour and a half away, it costs £12 to get there and back so I'm going for a couple days, every ten says. That's not too much hanging out. She wanted to see me again 5 days after the 2nd time but I declined and she took it to heart. Gave her too much too quickly? Maybe too much of my time but all we have done is hang out at hers. I've not bought her anything or took her anywhere. Though I have probably given her too much of me so you could be right on that one! I asked her to kiss me cause I do randomly like jokingly and she usually plays along but doesn't anymore.
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I think she's getting colder because even if she doesn't understand why, she knows that she likes you more than you like her and you aren't moving forward with her since by your own admission even though you go over there for several days you make it a point not to act like a BF around her. 5
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 To be honest if, after 5 weeks of seeing you and having a sexual relationship with you, you had brought me nothing, taken me nowhere and made a point of not acting in anyway like a BF then I wouldnt be replying to your texts either x 8
Author MoooOinkBaaa Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 I think she's getting colder because even if she doesn't understand why, she knows that she likes you more than you like her and you aren't moving forward with her since by your own admission even though you go over there for several days you make it a point not to act like a BF around her. But I feel like I like her more than she likes me, well I act like it around her. I don't act like a boyfriend but she acts less interested in me than her. Especially now she hardly talks to me. To be honest if, after 5 weeks of seeing you and having a sexual relationship with you, you had brought me nothing, taken me nowhere and made a point of not acting in anyway like a BF then I wouldnt be replying to your texts either x I don't do gifts or dates. I would rather give her value without supplicating her. She hasn't given me anything either so right now it's pretty balanced as far as gifts go. I've been myself from the start and treated her good the same way after sex, if she wants to stop seeing me because I haven't bought her roses or taken her ice skating then her loss. I act like her lover, because that's what I am and she hasn't brought anything up with me about commitment.
Taramere Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Last week I was looking through her art sketchbook and saw she wrote about me. Basically it said how she's met the most immature, irritating, passionate, lovely, beautiful vegan (I'm the only vegan she knows). It was pretty long, saying how she loves my hair, eyes, arms, stupid sense of humour, amazing bedroom skills. How she's very CLOSELY in love and if I keep on being this wonderful she'd no doubt end up falling arse over tits for me and how it's not like her at all. She said right now she's smitten and very sexually satisfied. I'm sure you have lovely hair, eyes, arms, great sense of humour and are good in the sack - but before you get too panicky about what this girl wrote, bear one thing in mind. If she tends towards artiness there's a good chance that she also tends towards a bit of pretentious hyperbole from time to time. I know this because I'm guilty of it myself. This scared me because I don't feel that way about her yet, I do really like her but I'm weary of having a girlfriend and don't want to hurt her. I've been making sure to not act like a boyfriend around her. I had no idea she liked me this much. Have you mentioned to her that you read through the art sketchbook? I know it's probably an embarrassing subject to broach, but it seems wise to take the opportunity to subtly let her know that you've read the stuff she wrote - then gauge her response. It might be that she's dying with love for you, but it might equally be that in an effort to be more creative she worked herself up into some florid artsy "passionate writer" sort of mood when she wrote all that. Do you think she's lost interest or she's just distancing herself or maybe even just found someone else now? Maybe she realises you read the sketchbook (sorry, I can't leave that sketchbook alone) and does indeed feel ill - with mortification. 6
DArtagnan2 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Maybe she realises you read the sketchbook (sorry, I can't leave that sketchbook alone) and does indeed feel ill - with mortification. I can't help but think she knows he reads that from time to time and she wrote that with the intention of him reading it in a passive-aggressive way. Possibly with the hopes he will confirm his feelings whether good or bad. 2
Taramere Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) I can't help but think she knows he reads that from time to time and she wrote that with the intention of him reading it in a passive-aggressive way. Possibly with the hopes he will confirm his feelings whether good or bad. Maybe. Before the internet came along and gave me the opportunity to write crap to complete strangers, I used to write poetry, letters etc that never got sent. Sometimes a diary too. It was weird in that part of me would write in the inhibited manner of somebody who's afraid another person will find it and read it - but it was never intended for other people's consumption. That combination of trying to express your most private feelings authentically, and being conscious of the possibility that somebody else might at some point read it can result in a particularly cringeworthy, self conscious style of writing. I don't read other people's private writings or correspondence unless they specifically ask me to. I've house shared with people before. If I saw a letter or a diary lying around I would absolutely not read it. Admittedly in part that's because I'm usually not very interested - but even when I was staying at a boyfriend's and suspected he'd been cheating on me, I didn't try to read private texts or letters. I might ask "is that a sketchbook?" and then look through it if they invited me to, but otherwise I'd leave it alone. I tend to assume other people will operate along similar rules most of the time. If the OP's girlfriend didn't ask him to look through that book and read the stuff she'd written in it she might have assumed that he would leave it alone out of respect for her privacy. I'm definitely fixated on that sketchbook issue, but it's because she wrote all these personal, passionate sounding feelings in there that may well be a mortifying combination of genuine heartfelt emotion and pretentiousness. If she didn't invite him to read through it, and she now suspects that he has - I think that could well be a reason for her to suddenly be acting in a cold and distant manner. Partly embarrassment, partly annoyance about him reading through her private things. So I'm just a bit interested to know more about that. To find out whether he was invited to read that book, told her he read it etc. Out of interest, are you a guy? It's often interesting to see the motives that men attribute to female behaviour. I suspect that you're off the mark in thinking this woman would write all that gushy stuff in the hope that her bf would find it - as a strategy for getting him to disclose his feelings about her. Perhaps some women would do that, but the aloof and cold behaviour of the OP's girlfriend more recently suggests a fairly private person who would be angered by somebody looking through stuff she'd written that wasn't intended for other people's eyes. Edited May 23, 2014 by Taramere 1
Lernaean_Hydra Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Because you treat her like a glorified f*kbuddy. You don't take her out nor do you act like a boyfriend - a guy does this to me and after awhile, welp, message received. Unless I'm just down to have a guy I sleep with from time to time that is. If she's wanting more (which may not even be the case mind you) yet there you are practically bending over backwards to make sure she doesn't get any crrraaaazy ass ideas (like, oh I don't know, maybe you want to be her boyfriend) I have no doubt she's pulling away because she's either bored, tired of the uncertainty or both. The thrill of the newness and that 'Where might this all lead!?' sensation wears off pretty quickly once it becomes clear the answer is "nowhere". 6
DArtagnan2 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Maybe. Before the internet came along and gave me the opportunity to write crap to complete strangers, I used to write poetry, letters etc that never got sent. Sometimes a diary too. It was weird in that part of me would write in the inhibited manner of somebody who's afraid another person will find it and read it - but it was never intended for other people's consumption. That combination of trying to express your most private feelings authentically, and being conscious of the possibility that somebody else might at some point read it can result in a particularly cringeworthy, self conscious style of writing. I don't read other people's private writings or correspondence unless they specifically ask me to. I've house shared with people before. If I saw a letter or a diary lying around I would absolutely not read it. Admittedly in part that's because I'm usually not very interested - but even when I was staying at a boyfriend's and suspected he'd been cheating on me, I didn't try to read private texts or letters. I might ask "is that a sketchbook?" and then look through it if they invited me to, but otherwise I'd leave it alone. I tend to assume other people will operate along similar rules most of the time. If the OP's girlfriend didn't ask him to look through that book and read the stuff she'd written in it she might have assumed that he would leave it alone out of respect for her privacy. I'm definitely fixated on that sketchbook issue, but it's because she wrote all these personal, passionate sounding feelings in there that may well be a mortifying combination of genuine heartfelt emotion and pretentiousness. If she didn't invite him to read through it, and she now suspects that he has - I think that could well be a reason for her to suddenly be acting in a cold and distant manner. Partly embarrassment, partly annoyance about him reading through her private things. So I'm just a bit interested to know more about that. To find out whether he was invited to read that book, told her he read it etc. Out of interest, are you a guy? It's often interesting to see the motives that men attribute to female behaviour. I suspect that you're off the mark in thinking this woman would write all that gushy stuff in the hope that her bf would find it - as a strategy for getting him to disclose his feelings about her. Perhaps some women would do that, but the aloof and cold behaviour of the OP's girlfriend more recently suggests a fairly private person who would be angered by somebody looking through stuff she'd written that wasn't intended for other people's eyes. My beliefs on privacy are much like yours. I would never read what someone else wrote in a text, on a website, in a journal or anywhere unless I was told I could or asked to read it. I am pretty good with not getting the temptation to. The problem is, not everyone has the same beliefs or maybe what you would call morals when it comes to that same subject. I am a guy, yes. I have, most of my life, been of the belief that others handle situations in the same manner as I would. And most likely why I find myself more times then not, standing there with my mouth open and surprised when people do some of the things they are capable of doing. So it has been my experience that not everyone would handle or look at situations as I may. Which was what fed in to my comments on this post. I have been in the situation, more then once where someone has posted intentionally to an online entity knowing I would see it. Whether it was early on in the dating process, after things seemed to start going downhill or the actual breakup occurred. I have had girls "accidently" send me a link to a post, an email or text message that contained feelings they were having towards me, another guy or the relationship, that they intended to send to someone else. Or two people were part of a forum, (including myself one time), and one would post knowing the other would see it. Just as a few examples. So given that I have seen it happen and have had it happen to me (I know because the girls' / women confirmed the reason why they posted), its what led me to post that as an option. her distance and backing off to me, may show that she feels she is in to it more then him. He isn't reciprocating as she would like or expect him to if he was. At least that's my opinion on why she is being distant. But thats based on whats posted here and I am sure there may be more to the story then we know. 1
Taramere Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) My beliefs on privacy are much like yours. I would never read what someone else wrote in a text, on a website, in a journal or anywhere unless I was told I could or asked to read it. I am pretty good with not getting the temptation to. The problem is, not everyone has the same beliefs or maybe what you would call morals when it comes to that same subject. Oh, I know that. My brother used to snoop for my private writings/attempts to start writing a book when we were kids, and would embarrass me by reading them out loud. Rationally, too, I know that people are often curious to read other people's diaries. A big part of why I don't isn't so much to do with morality. If I read somebody's innermost thoughts knowing that they'd never intended for me to have that insight into them, I'd feel embarrassed and awkward around them - and I don't enjoy feeling that way. I have been in the situation, more then once where someone has posted intentionally to an online entity knowing I would see it. Whether it was early on in the dating process, after things seemed to start going downhill or the actual breakup occurred. I have had girls "accidently" send me a link to a post, an email or text message that contained feelings they were having towards me, another guy or the relationship, that they intended to send to someone else. Or two people were part of a forum, (including myself one time), and one would post knowing the other would see it. Just as a few examples. Yes, I think that's pretty common when it comes to the internet. A bit like passive aggressive ("feeling sad today about how some people...") updates on Facebook or barbed comments on message boards where it's clear that the writer wants somebody to take a message without them being held accountable for delivering that message. When it comes to stuff on the internet, I tend to presume that people write it with the intention of it being read. Plus writing on the internet is generally a more sociable thing. Websites have comments sections, on message boards you're interacting with other people constantly. There's not that same element of spilling out private thoughts that you really want to keep private - albeit we've probably all occasionally lived to regret stuff we posted online. You mentioned earlier that you wouldn't read somebody's website without asking them. I would (if I were interested) on the basis that they've put onto a medium that is widely available for public consumption - and that leaves little doubt that they want other people to read it. It's very different when it comes to a physical diary that you keep in your home. Writing a diary like that is a highly personal thing. Unless the OP's girlfriend invited him to read it, I think he probably needs to consider whether it was fair of him to pick it up and sift through it. I think perhaps we live in an age where the need for privacy is increasingly being seen as weird when previously it would be regarded as perfectly normal and acceptable. It struck me, reading the OP's post, that he doesn't seem to see anything untoward about picking up a book somebody has written in and flicking through it without asking them whether it's okay to read it. But maybe he'll come back and say "no, you misunderstand - she asked me to look through it". If I'm right, though, and he read it without asking then I think he should certainly consider the possibility that in looking for insights through reading her personal stuff he's only succeeded in creating the kind of distance and awkwardness between them that he's complaining about. Edited May 23, 2014 by Taramere 1
Imajerk17 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Maybe this sums it up. At the end of the day, you really don't know whether she is growing cold due to her losing interest, or due to her becoming self-protective. You have to show leadership and call it out. "Hey it feels to me that you've been kind of distant lately. What's up?" I wouldn't mention that you saw her blog in the process though. 4
Taramere Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Maybe this sums it up. At the end of the day, you really don't know whether she is growing cold due to her losing interest, or due to her becoming self-protective. You have to show leadership and call it out. "Hey it feels to me that you've been kind of distant lately. What's up?" I wouldn't mention that you saw her blog in the process though. Yeah, on second thoughts - my suggestion that he let her know he read through the sketchbook wasn't the greatest advice. If she really didn't want him to see it, then the embarrassment would be overwhelming for her. Because you treat her like a glorified f*kbuddy. You don't take her out nor do you act like a boyfriend - a guy does this to me and after awhile, welp, message received. Unless I'm just down to have a guy I sleep with from time to time that is. If she's wanting more (which may not even be the case mind you) yet there you are practically bending over backwards to make sure she doesn't get any crrraaaazy ass ideas (like, oh I don't know, maybe you want to be her boyfriend) I have no doubt she's pulling away because she's either bored, tired of the uncertainty or both. The thrill of the newness and that 'Where might this all lead!?' sensation wears off pretty quickly once it becomes clear the answer is "nowhere". Very good point. I was so caught up in the whole sketchbook thing that I didn't really consider that angle of it. Pulling away is going to be a natural reaction if somebody's giving you the message that they don't want you to get any notions of being special (ie boyfriend/girlfriend special) to them. MoooOinkBaaa, what sort of hopes do/did you have for this situation? You mention being weary of having a girlfriend, which suggests you're not long out of a relationship and not looking for one. Is LH correct in perceiving this as you wanting a no commitment f-buddy situation with the girl in question? 1
Author MoooOinkBaaa Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) Well she didn't say a word to me all day yesterday and all day so far today :/ So it looks like we are not talking now. You're right about the hyperbole, does make sense now, it did seem a little "crazy" too since it was after the first time I stayed over. Maybe her views of me have changed the second time we met. She doesn't know I read it. I saw that book the first time I stayed over and picked it up jokingly knowing it was a diary - obviously she wouldn't let me read it. Since then I've had dozens of opportunities to read it but I never thought about it since it's a diary and I do respect that. BUT she was acting funny beforehand. We wasn't really talking much downstairs and she went upstairs for over half an hour without telling me she wouldn't be back. I found her upstairs on her bed drawing. She doesn't like me watching so I lay next to her. I felt like she was being aloof with me so I closed my eyes and rest my head partly on her shoulder. I saw on the left page was writing. I was just thinking I couldn't make out a single word she wrote, so I tried reading a word. Saw my name and freaked out. Then I got too nosy and I saw something like.... "really miss being spooned to sleep and kissed". The other stuff was on the previous page, I couldn't read it, that's when I snooped. Maybe that's a moral issue but I don't think she knows I read it. She DID leave her mascara, a pen and a little notebook on the sketchbook on her bed. I just pressed them all down with my hand when I opened it, they were intact so she wouldn't know I've read it. I don't want to tell her what I know because I don't want her to change the way she is with me. I've not being more open or closed with her since reading it. I don't know if it was a passionate writer mood, it seemed general diary entry, scruffy and jotted down. She isn't dying with love for me she wrote clear how she is almost falling for me. DArtagnan2 - This is the first time I've read it. It was just half a page about me. The next page was about her buying new clothes and stuff. OH I did read on that same page how she is feeling depressed lately. She wrote how it seems to be leading up to the days she's seeing me, but she wrote maybe that's in her head. I honestly don't know why she's acting like this. At one point I thought she was being aloof with me then she was talking to me and laughing - being normal. We used to lay in her bed and she'd be happy and laughing, she'd lay on my whole body head butting me and laying her head on mine. But the last two nights she got in bed she was laying at the edge of the bed with her back turned to me on her phone. The first time I spooned her but she was cold so this time I tested her. I got in and just lay sit up with my hands to myself, with a skeptical look on my face, waiting for her to notice. 5 mins later she turned and laughed then went back to her phone watching videos so I just went to sleep on the other end of the bed. She was hot and cold now she's just cold. I've tried to stay in the same mood the entire time, trying not to let her mood influence mine but at the same time trying not to be too high/low energy with her. I don't want someone else to affect my emotions. The next day sucked. We had 70 minutes until I left and she was still being cold. We were just watching TV downstairs with her sister, she wasn't talking with me even her sister said "wow you two are a world of fun". I thought screw this I'm going for half hour nap. She came up 20 minutes later and lay next to me, she was kind of normal with me but scaled down. Then she got cold again. At this point I asked her if she's okay when we were waiting for my bus. She said she's fine I said "you look like you want to kill yourself" maybe I should of pointed out how she's acting differently but she got a bit annoyed and said she's just tired and she's looking forward to having her bed all to herself tonight. I don't think she wrote anything in the hopes of me finding it, it crossed my mind because I thought "why would she leave this on her bed, alone with me" I thought "did she place objects on top of it hoping to remember their positions to catch me out or was that to stop me casually opening it". Anyways I think the dairy thing isn't so important because I felt bad around her before I even read it. The only thing that I can think is this... She's lost interest in me. She's pulled out because she doesn't want to fall for me. I said something she didn't like and she's got some problem with me. She's depressed and it has nothing to do with me. She's playing her game, trying not to act needy, acting tough, trying to gain on me. She's turned her attention to someone else. She doesn't think it's going anywhere. She did mention a guy she was seeing 8 months back but it wasn't going anywhere so it ended. Thing is she hasn't asked me about where it's going. I'll talk to her on fb tonight (this is the fourth time I've initiated). If she's being moody I'll straight up say I'm not happy and she's acting moody. I do really like her, I think about her way more than I should be but I'm not letting someone affect me negatively if this is how she is. I'll just stop talking to her altogether. Taramere - I just saw this as a casual relationship, we never talked about what we "are" though which is a rookie mistake on my part. I should of been more upfront about it but to be honest I have no idea if she considers me her boyfriend or not. I have mentioned indirectly how I don't need a girlfriend to her though but now I think about it she might of took this as I don't NEED a girlfriend. Also she doesn't act like a girlfriend around me either, I'm talking being lovey dovey and stuff her affection lines up with lover and not girlfriend. Her mum must think we are going out though, she buys me food and cooks for us. Though what matters is what the girl I'm seeing thinks. Edited May 23, 2014 by MoooOinkBaaa
Taramere Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) The other stuff was on the previous page, I couldn't read it, that's when I snooped. Maybe that's a moral issue but I don't think she knows I read it. One can argue the rights and wrongs, morally, of it - but I suppose in the context of the problem you're presenting, the problem with what you did is that it's substantially increased your sense of discomfort with her, since you were somewhat freaked out by what you read. I don't know if it was a passionate writer mood, it seemed general diary entry, scruffy and jotted down. She isn't dying with love for me she wrote clear how she is almost falling for me. Which would be a great thing for both of you, if you were falling for her too. You mentioned that you don't really want a girlfriend, and you don't feel generally the way that she seems to (based on what she wrote). She sounds like a fairly sensitive sort of person (the moodiness and depression), so it's pretty likely that she's picked up on your ambiguity and is reacting by withdrawing. Difficult to know what you can do about that, really. You can't force yourself to feel what you don't feel. Maybe the best (ie reasonably sensitive while avoiding allowing yourself to be manipulated/dragged down by her moods) thing would be to tell her that you've noticed her being distant, moody lately. That if she feels that talking about it with you would help, then you'd be happy to have a discussion -but that otherwise you're going to give her space to work through it on her own. After all, it's not as though you haven't tried to find out what's wrong. You've given her a few opportunities to talk about it now. Edited May 23, 2014 by Taramere
FitChick Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 all we have done is hang out at hers. I've not bought her anything or took her anywhere. That could be the problem. She thinks you aren't that interested. Why not meet her somewhere halfway for a romantic weekend at a BnB in a tourist area?
Author MoooOinkBaaa Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 (edited) I didn't want to have something serious, that wasn't my intention from the beginning. I wanted to date multiple women (upfront) and have fun. I'm 26 and only had one very long term partner so I want some contrast, to get to know women, maybe meet someone EXACTLY my type both in looks and personality. I've put effort in to making sure I don't fall for her (too soon). I don't want emotionally invest in her. 1 because I don't want to fall and 2 because I don't want to trip over my emotions with her every single time. I do admit she has triggered feelings in me and I COULD let myself fall for her but I'm really not sure what I want. I liked her, but I was cool about it. Maybe it's just because now she's given me room for doubt... doubt whether she's really as much into anymore. I KNOW I'm in trouble because I constantly check my inbox to see if she's messaged me. I'm trying to chill out and hope she's playing her game. I wish I was even more careful to not show her I liked her. I definitely don't want her to think I might like her more than she likes me or she'll lose the thrill of the chase, and start to "fall out of love". I don't like this feeling it feels out of control. I don't know if it's just because I don't know where I stand with her. I shouldn't be bothered that she's being cold. Maybe I just need to meet new women, I need to start talking to more girls. Actually I think she might even be feeling the same way, maybe she's pulling out now we've spent too much time together as "casual". It's easier for her when women can easily have an abundance of guys to turn their attention to. *Maybe there is a clue here. She posted a song on fb yesterday and if you read the lyrics it coincides with what you guys are saying about he thinking I'm not that interested in her so she's pulling away. Bombay Bicycle Club - Come To Lyrics | MetroLyrics She even posted it with one word "love". Maybe that's a massive hint? Tho the song is kind of upbeat so maybe she just enjoys it. Also in the sketchbook she wrote how it's "so not like her to feel this way" so maybe she did write hyperbole but on the other end of the spectrum. What if she is in love but doesn't want to admit it, she's trying not to be needy, being more distant than me. She did put the word almost in big capitals, bolded and underlined. It said something like very nearly almost. Then again I genuinely feel like she's uninterested because if she wants to pull out she would of gone cold after I saw her not during. I dunno, probably over thinking it. *Edit OH now you said romantic weekend I did ALSO read in that sketchbook how she's romantically stressed, what does that mean? Just everything outside sex like cuddles and stuff? *thanks for all the help btw, definitely need to give back after this! it's imperative! hehehehehe Edited May 23, 2014 by MoooOinkBaaa 1
Taramere Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I've put effort in to making sure I don't fall for her (too soon). I don't want emotionally invest in her. 1 because I don't want to fall and 2 because I don't want to trip over my emotions with her every single time. I do admit she has triggered feelings in me and I COULD let myself fall for her but I'm really not sure what I want. I liked her, but I was cool about it. Maybe it's just because now she's given me room for doubt... doubt whether she's really as much into anymore. I KNOW I'm in trouble because I constantly check my inbox to see if she's messaged me. I'm trying to chill out and hope she's playing her game. I wish I was even more careful to not show her I liked her. I definitely don't want her to think I might like her more than she likes me or she'll lose the thrill of the chase, and start to "fall out of love". That sounds like a power game. It's possible to demonstrate that you like somebody without becoming in some way subservient to them. Demonstrating attraction to and affection for her, for instance, in a confident manner that suggests you're certain she reciprocates your feelings. I don't like this feeling it feels out of control. I don't know if it's just because I don't know where I stand with her. I shouldn't be bothered that she's being cold. Maybe I just need to meet new women, I need to start talking to more girls. I had a few situations like that in my twenties too - ie an endless "dance" to nowhere, with guys who played hot and cold, and probably felt I was doing the same thing. You might find the same pattern emerging with other women. Do you read PUA boards by any chance? I sometimes look at them out of curiosity (to see how men talk to eachother about women), and it's astonishing how often guys who are very evidently quite clueless about women end up being treated like gurus - when all they're really doing is encouraging other men to dance the power dance that leads to nowhere and probably leaves both parties feeling a bit sad and frustrated. 1
Shaun-Dro Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Serious post. So this girl I was talking to for a month. We got to flirting and we hooked up, got intimate. I stayed at hers for 3-4 days three times over five weeks. She was always really happy for me to arrange seeing her. Now I feel like she's lost interest in me, I'm always the one to say hello, sometimes she doesn't even reply, feels like labour. Last time I saw her the last two days sucked, she got colder and colder and by the last day she wouldn't hug or kiss me and we didn't hardly talk at all. She went to kiss me goodbye as I got on the bus and that was it. She's been a bit hot and cold but now mostly cold. I decided to test her (text) I said "I want you to kiss me" and she said "I feel ill". Seems like an excuse to me, I would still kiss someone I was interested in even if I felt ill. Last week I was looking through her art sketchbook and saw she wrote about me. Basically it said how she's met the most immature, irritating, passionate, lovely, beautiful vegan (I'm the only vegan she knows). It was pretty long, saying how she loves my hair, eyes, arms, stupid sense of humour, amazing bedroom skills. How she's very CLOSELY in love and if I keep on being this wonderful she'd no doubt end up falling arse over tits for me and how it's not like her at all. She said right now she's smitten and very sexually satisfied. This scared me because I don't feel that way about her yet, I do really like her but I'm weary of having a girlfriend and don't want to hurt her. I've been making sure to not act like a boyfriend around her. I had no idea she liked me this much. Do you think she's lost interest or she's just distancing herself or maybe even just found someone else now? I'll talk to her a little more and if she's still aloof then I'll point it out and move on. Just need some opinions on this? I'm new to dating again after eight years so I'm kind of clueless. I'm just as clueless as you because some of the comments in your thread suggests inconsistencies that I have trouble grasping. Clearly, there's a lot more to what you're telling us. 2
Andie25 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 You are sleeping with this girl...staying over...hanging out....cuddling. Of course she's developed feelings for you. All her comments in the sketchbook confirm it, regardless of whether she knows you've seen it. Most women, not all but most, have a lot of trouble being sexually intimate with zero emotionally intimacy. I know if a man was staying over, cuddling, meeting my sister, ect. at least a little part of me would be hoping he would turn into a boyfriend. You don't just treat a plain **** buddy that way. So, yes, I'd be irritated and giving you the cold shoulder as well. She's probably confused and feels like you don't really care for her at all except for having sex with her. She probably doesn't want to continue to see you and get close if all you are going to do is sleep with her then eventually more on to greener "girlfriend" pastures. My advice to the OP would be to figure out what you want. Do you want a relationship with this girl? If yes, start asking her on dates. Real dates. Dinner, movies, none of this cuddle and sex stuff. Start being a gentlemen. Do thoughtful things...asking her about her day, complimenting her. If you don't want a relationship. Stop leading her on. CALL HER ON THE PHONE. If she doesn't pick up leave a clear voicemail. Hey So and So, I'd really like to talk when you get a chance. I feel like you've been distant lately and I just want to communicate and make sure we are on the same page. I like you, but I'm not ready for a commitment, I just want to hook up. Are you okay with this. Please let me know. I'd like to see you soon. All you need to do is 1. Figure out what you want 2. Communicate CLEARLY. 3. Stop leading this poor girl on if you just want to sleep with her. 3
DArtagnan2 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Oh, I know that. My brother used to snoop for my private writings/attempts to start writing a book when we were kids, and would embarrass me by reading them out loud. Rationally, too, I know that people are often curious to read other people's diaries. A big part of why I don't isn't so much to do with morality. If I read somebody's innermost thoughts knowing that they'd never intended for me to have that insight into them, I'd feel embarrassed and awkward around them - and I don't enjoy feeling that way. Oh I know, my sister used to do that to me. I always wrote a lot since I was younger. I tried to draw too. You mentioned earlier that you wouldn't read somebody's website without asking them. I would (if I were interested) on the basis that they've put onto a medium that is widely available for public consumption - and that leaves little doubt that they want other people to read it. I guess it depends on the situation. I have snooped before, but sometimes, snooping hurts more then not knowing. So I have found it best in order to move on from whatever it may be, relationship/friendship, to just not look regardless.
Author MoooOinkBaaa Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 i don't think she's interested anymore or i've done something to push her away thing is I really do like her, i think about her more than i should and i miss her. i feel like an idiot because she's only 19 and i'm 27, also because she's the first/only girl i started dating after my ex, do i fall for people to easily? update from the last posts in this thread: she wasn't intentionally being distant with me and we had some fun conversations again she said she misses me and asked me to see her, this was 31st may, last time i saw her because her internet got cut off and she was working a festival for 2 weeks. had little contact during that time and now she hasn't contacted me 5 days. this was our last few convos (i'm green) http://i.imgur.com/EXN4afO.jpg am i being silly and over analysing? what should i do? she usually always replies to me but she hasn't even seen my last messages according to fb and she's been online loads, and posting on her wall.
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