lovesfool Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I read a lot of advice online about learning from your failed relationship, not to make the same mistakes the next time around. I really want to adopt this advice, but the problem is that I don't know what these mistakes are. My ex broke up with me under the pretense that he was too busy for a relationship. I realise now that this was just a good opportunity for him to get out. A couple of months before the break up, I had the impression there was nothing wrong with our relationship. He did not communicate any problems or concerns, and I didn't notice anything either. I really have no idea why he broke up with me. I don't know what I should have done differently, because clearly something changed for him to decide that he no longer wants to be with me. I don't want to make the same mistakes again and cause another relationship to fail. But how can I do this if I don't know what caused it?
FredJones80 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I don't want to make the same mistakes again and cause another relationship to fail. But how can I do this if I don't know what caused it? Perhaps he met someone else? In that case, not much you could of done differently?
hoping2heal Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Lovesfool, Sometimes the "mistake" lies in the type of person you choose. E.g. some people choose men or women who fit into a certain archetype, such as someone who is flighty, emotionally unavailable, married, irresponsible to a deterimental extent, etc. But, sometimes there are no mistakes to avoid. You meet someone and take a chance and things either develop or they do not and no one can forsee the outcome without giving it a try. Is there a pattern in your relationships? If so, then maybe that's what needs to change. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I read a lot of advice online about learning from your failed relationship, not to make the same mistakes the next time around. I really want to adopt this advice, but the problem is that I don't know what these mistakes are. My ex broke up with me under the pretense that he was too busy for a relationship. I realise now that this was just a good opportunity for him to get out. A couple of months before the break up, I had the impression there was nothing wrong with our relationship. He did not communicate any problems or concerns, and I didn't notice anything either. I really have no idea why he broke up with me. I don't know what I should have done differently, because clearly something changed for him to decide that he no longer wants to be with me. I don't want to make the same mistakes again and cause another relationship to fail. But how can I do this if I don't know what caused it? It might have very little to do with you and could be more something from his end. Perhaps it was as simple as that he wasn't the right match. The right match will love you for who you are. Now if there are certain things you want to tweak about yourself, this is the time to do it, but you don't need to make a wholesale change. 2
7yearsbroken Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Search deep into your heart and soul, it will come to you. If you loved this person you will recall everything up to the breakup. You are romanticizing the good, I did at first, and then in time you will see how he has slowly changed. You will see the truth, but it will take time. Don't look for closure because it won't come. I haven't had any answers to why she cheated, but I don't think I want to know neither. It's pointless. It's over. Now slowly the truth will come to you. You deserve happiness, especially if you cared enough and had the capacity to actually want to make a relationship work with someone who just dumped you so coldly. I empathize and are confused just like you, but I'm certain someone else will be lucky to have what I have to offer, sucks for the dumper.
Elle1975 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I read a lot of advice online about learning from your failed relationship, not to make the same mistakes the next time around. I really want to adopt this advice, but the problem is that I don't know what these mistakes are. My ex broke up with me under the pretense that he was too busy for a relationship. I realise now that this was just a good opportunity for him to get out. A couple of months before the break up, I had the impression there was nothing wrong with our relationship. He did not communicate any problems or concerns, and I didn't notice anything either. I really have no idea why he broke up with me. I don't know what I should have done differently, because clearly something changed for him to decide that he no longer wants to be with me. I don't want to make the same mistakes again and cause another relationship to fail. But how can I do this if I don't know what caused it? I know my mistakes, and his. I can only control mine though. Sometimes it's nothing you could have done. He might have gotten to know you better and decided to walk out. Might be someone else. Our behavior doesn't always need to be adjusted. Sometimes, it really is them. 1
Author lovesfool Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 He might have gotten to know you better and decided to walk out. It's amazing. Only know after reading these comments have I realised it. I think he just got to know me so well and realised he didn't like what he saw. I have heard it takes about 6 months for two people to really get to know each other, and it was around this time he was growing distant. We had somewhat different personalities, such as him being very confident, outgoing and easygoing whereas I was more shy and reserved. But that's what I liked about him. I guess the feeling wasn't mutual. He would always have stories about his friends, or wild things he used to get up to. He'd sometimes ask me if I ever did anything like that and I would stare blankly back at him and just laugh in disbelief and say no. I was just thinking to myself how boring my life is compared to him. Maybe I came across as dull, or perhaps he thought I was constantly judging him because of my reactions. I just wish I knew what it was that made him suddenly think "my life would be better without her in it" and break up with me.
Elle1975 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 It's amazing. Only know after reading these comments have I realised it. I think he just got to know me so well and realised he didn't like what he saw. I have heard it takes about 6 months for two people to really get to know each other, and it was around this time he was growing distant. We had somewhat different personalities, such as him being very confident, outgoing and easygoing whereas I was more shy and reserved. But that's what I liked about him. I guess the feeling wasn't mutual. He would always have stories about his friends, or wild things he used to get up to. He'd sometimes ask me if I ever did anything like that and I would stare blankly back at him and just laugh in disbelief and say no. I was just thinking to myself how boring my life is compared to him. Maybe I came across as dull, or perhaps he thought I was constantly judging him because of my reactions. I just wish I knew what it was that made him suddenly think "my life would be better without her in it" and break up with me. I wouldn't change, if that's what you think the "problem" was. You could turn into a crazy party girl, buy a fast bike, or do half the things he's done.. then you'd meet someone who would get turned off by those things. Might be that he wasn't ready to settle? I don't know how old you are. Give it 5 years and you'd be exactly what he'd want and need. Like I said, I know my mistakes, but I don't carry all the blame on my shoulders either. 1
pteromom Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I don't know what I should have done differently, because clearly something changed for him to decide that he no longer wants to be with me. I don't want to make the same mistakes again and cause another relationship to fail. But how can I do this if I don't know what caused it? You can only own your own part in the relationship. If he walked away without an explanation, his leaving may have nothing at all to do with you, but something going on inside himself. But you can analyze what attracted you to him, whether there were any red flags you should have noticed... for instance, he said he was too busy for a relationship. Was he available to you? Was he happy to spend time with you, or irritated when you took up his time? Stuff to think about. But sometimes, two people with good intentions and no major issues just don't work out for whatever reason. Sometimes, it is nobody's fault, and you just have to chalk it up to "we weren't right for each other".
Author lovesfool Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 I wouldn't change, if that's what you think the "problem" was. You could turn into a crazy party girl, buy a fast bike, or do half the things he's done.. then you'd meet someone who would get turned off by those things. Might be that he wasn't ready to settle? I don't know how old you are. Give it 5 years and you'd be exactly what he'd want and need. Like I said, I know my mistakes, but I don't carry all the blame on my shoulders either. I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm too reserved. I don't take chances, and as a result I've no interesting stories to tell. I think being more adventurous can only help. I'm 24 and he is 25. If he wasn't ready to settle, wouldn't he have said it? He did say he was too busy for a relationship, but I havn't heard from him in almost two months since the breakup so I just figured he just lost all interest.
Elle1975 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm too reserved. I don't take chances, and as a result I've no interesting stories to tell. I think being more adventurous can only help. I'm 24 and he is 25. If he wasn't ready to settle, wouldn't he have said it? He did say he was too busy for a relationship, but I havn't heard from him in almost two months since the breakup so I just figured he just lost all interest. I don't know of a lot of people who stay single till they feel ready to settle. Some people put their careers first, and that's fine. The problem is, they break a few hearts in the process. Or they are upfront but the gf or bf think they can make them change. I am reserved, not many taboos in intimacy, but reserved till I get to know someone. Nothing wrong with that. I actually did a personality test and I am extraverted on the reserved spectrum of it. I was surprised because it does fit my personality. Break ups are hard. I understand that you want to figure out the why and how. Imo, from what you have said, he seems to be responsible for the break up. No need to change. Oh btw I do have on my bucket list to go sky diving.. and Im terrified of heights lol. Reserved doesn't mean boring, so take that out of your head. 2
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