martaldn Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I have reached that phase and I cant control it. There are days I sent emails to him full of hate where I tell him so many nasty things I know ( even if he had hurt me in the past) he doesn’t deserve I stop threating him I would tell everything to his GF but I am so full of anger I would like physically hurt him sometimes. Every time I sent anything nasty I start cry like an idiot and spent minutes in the office toilet try to calm down…. After 30 minutes I do do everything all over again He is not responding because my emails are just a vomit of words and anger that don’t need to be replied and I know it is my very last sad attempt to get his attention. I don’t know how to move from here.. some days I am good and happy.. other days I am just in this black hole of desperation and when I start to send messages I never stop I feel like I am obsessed and even if I know I am doing something wrong… I cant stop myself. I am so angry with him for all the pain he put me through in these past 5 years. I wish I could move on quickly but it is not happening Has anybody had this sort of experience? What did you do|? I am not coping well Sorry if this doesn’t make much sense as there isn’t any back up story about what happened but I really need to talk at moment cause I am into that black hole again
Zahara Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I feel like I am obsessed and even if I know I am doing something wrong… I cant stop myself. I am so angry with him for all the pain he put me through in these past 5 years. I wish I could move on quickly but it is not happening Has anybody had this sort of experience? What did you do|? I am not coping well You're looking for some sort of validation from him but it won't happen. The only way you can find your closure from this is to accept that it is done. Most importantly, taking responsibility for your own actions in this relationship that have gotten you to where you are. I am sure in that 5 years, there were signs that it wasn't a good relationship but you stayed. The pain he put you through is the pain you accepted. This is your accountability. And even at this point you still keep digging at your wound. It doesn't do you any good to keep regurgitating the past and hoping it's going to heal your present. It's useless and futile. You can't move on because you keep looking over your shoulder. I understand the need and want to lash but at some point it has to stop because the only one that you are hurting is you. He probably doesn't even read your emails anymore. If you want to move forward, you have to make a conscious and determined decision to do so. There is no CAN'T -- it's WON'T. It's a choice. When you have weak moment or when you are angry, you need to divert and distract yourself. You cannot feed your bad emotions. You have to starve them. Don't dwell. That's the best way to get yourself to react. 1
Mary Oak Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I have found that once I send one email/text/call etc., and don't get a reaction or response that I become obssessed with it. THere were times where I would blow up her phone, begging, explaining, yelling, etc. just so she would respond. Most of the time, she wouldn't. But, when she did, it was never good enough, so it would set the whole thing into motion again. What I am saying is that it is a cycle that only YOU can break. Write it all down. Type it out, but don't send. I have 120 typed pages of my rants that she will never see. Just, please, take the first small step, and I will get easier. Remember, nothing he says is going to be "enough" and will always bring more questions. Which, there are probably no answers for. Take care. Try hard. 3
Author martaldn Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 all your words are right and I am honestly trying with all myself to move on. I try to get distracted when I feel that way and I try to focus my energy in something more positive but sometime I just cant help myself. I know it takes time to move on and I know it is painful but I feel like it is a never ending thing because it doesnt get better. or when i think it is getting a little bit better I am back to square one because all the feelings I have are back. I take responsibility for how things have been in this relationship and I feel guilty for how I managed the situation sometime. the reasons i have stayed was simply because I hoped things could change. I am angry with him and with myself because I have been in this sh** for such a long time and now I am scared of not be able to be happy again.
stillafool Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 If you really feel you can't get past this and are stuck it is time to seem professional help. Every time you contact him you are making him glad it is over. 1
Author martaldn Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 I feel like I am crazy... like that I am another person when I do what i do.. and then I regret it but still keep doing it. I wish i could erase my memory.
Author martaldn Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 If you really feel you can't get past this and are stuck it is time to seem professional help. Every time you contact him you are making him glad it is over. i thought about it. I had already a session of counselling and i thought i was better. but apparently I am not.
Mary Oak Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I did the same thing. I know she would probably turn off her phone. One time she told me that she hated i was hurting but the texts I were sending her weren't affecting her that way I thought. SHe pitied me. You don't want that. You are better than that. We all are. It isn't even about what they feel or think about the texts, I know. It is about getting validation back. It's not going to happen in the way you want it to. Believe me. It's just not. You have to stop. SHe even told me to stop, but I couldn't. I understand. I completely get it. I had become someone I didn't even recognize. You just keep going and going, and all the while you KNOW it is hurting you....but you don't stop.... you HAVE to.... Please don't wait as long as I did... give it up.... 1
Author martaldn Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 I did the same thing. I know she would probably turn off her phone. One time she told me that she hated i was hurting but the texts I were sending her weren't affecting her that way I thought. SHe pitied me. You don't want that. You are better than that. We all are. It isn't even about what they feel or think about the texts, I know. It is about getting validation back. It's not going to happen in the way you want it to. Believe me. It's just not. You have to stop. SHe even told me to stop, but I couldn't. I understand. I completely get it. I had become someone I didn't even recognize. You just keep going and going, and all the while you KNOW it is hurting you....but you don't stop.... you HAVE to.... Please don't wait as long as I did... give it up.... I know I am only looking for validation . I rationally know that what I am doing he is just pushing him away from me. He told me to stop - he told me if we want to build something in the future , like a friendship or something like this I have to give him space. So why am I doing this now? I am not like this in my daily life. I have a strong personality i have friends and a happy life so WHY am I doing this? it is like I have 2 Marta inside my brain..
Zahara Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I know it takes time to move on and I know it is painful but I feel like it is a never ending thing because it doesnt get better. or when i think it is getting a little bit better I am back to square one because all the feelings I have are back. It's never ending because you keep repeating the cycle. The only way to end it is to want to stop it. How can it get better when you keep picking at the wound? The only way it heals is to let it be but you keep digging and digging. The thing is when those feelings come back, you react on them. You have a choice to not react. Accept that they are coming, accept that you have to feel them, and know that it will pass. You don't allow any of that to happen -- but just react. What are you hoping for when you blast him? Some sort of acknowledgment? A word to soothe your feelings? You can't seek comfort in what pains you. What you are seeking doesn't exist. You email, he doesn't answer, it hurts you, you email again, he ignores you, your hurt is escalating and dammit you want to see some validation of your feelings, you email again and this time you're all out on a war path. Still nothing. Really, if he won't respond to a basic email, why would he even want to respond when you're all out "crazy" about it. The next time you want to do this, take a few steps back. Think with your brain and talk it out in your head. Why, what for, what does it do for you, how does it help you, etc. Have a rational conversation with yourself. If you can spend 10 minutes rationalizing it, you should be able to talk yourself out of it versus jumping and reacting on your emotions. 2
Author martaldn Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 It's never ending because you keep repeating the cycle. The only way to end it is to want to stop it. How can it get better when you keep picking at the wound? The only way it heals is to let it be but you keep digging and digging. The thing is when those feelings come back, you react on them. You have a choice to not react. Accept that they are coming, accept that you have to feel them, and know that it will pass. You don't allow any of that to happen -- but just react. What are you hoping for when you blast him? Some sort of acknowledgment? A word to soothe your feelings? You can't seek comfort in what pains you. What you are seeking doesn't exist. You email, he doesn't answer, it hurts you, you email again, he ignores you, your hurt is escalating and dammit you want to see some validation of your feelings, you email again and this time you're all out on a war path. Still nothing. Really, if he won't respond to a basic email, why would he even want to respond when you're all out "crazy" about it. The next time you want to do this, take a few steps back. Think with your brain and talk it out in your head. Why, what for, what does it do for you, how does it help you, etc. Have a rational conversation with yourself. If you can spend 10 minutes rationalizing it, you should be able to talk yourself out of it versus jumping and reacting on your emotions. I know I know I have to do that, I know I am only hurting myself and he will probably think I am a mad cow by now and I know he will only feel pity for me. It hurts though. cos i have invested so much time and energy and wishes in this thing I just cant accept that it has become sometime like this.
Zahara Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I know I know I have to do that, I know I am only hurting myself and he will probably think I am a mad cow by now and I know he will only feel pity for me. It hurts though. cos i have invested so much time and energy and wishes in this thing I just cant accept that it has become sometime like this. Hun, we've all been in bad relationships. Some that lasted for years only for naught. What to do? You can keep trying to relive your past but it doesn't do anything but stagnate your present and future. It hurts. I get it. I've had my fair share of emotional pain. I've invested my years only to experience disappointment. Again, what to do? Hold someone accountable? Make someone fix it? How? If they couldn't give you what you needed in the relationship, what can they give you now? You can't accept? Why not? It's right before your eyes. You can be in denial as much as you want. You can break, scream, go absolutely ballistic -- that reality doesn't and won't change. It's standing right before you. The sooner you accept, the sooner you move on. Really, there is no other choice. 2
Author martaldn Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 I know now I have something to read when I feel emotional again Thank u I really needed to be shaken today
Zahara Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I know now I have something to read when I feel emotional again Thank u I really needed to be shaken today When those feelings come, you really have to make a conscious choice to take a step back -- and I mean go into a quiet corner and rationalize yourself out of it. Like you said you sit on the potty for 30 minutes to calm down after sending an email. Just the same but this time you omit the part when you send the email. When the feelings come, go and sit somewhere and rationalize yourself out of it. And give yourself an hour, two hours, a day to let it pass. See how you feel then. Then go from there. Step by step. Creating a habit/pattern, a coping skill when these feelings come is what you need to focus on and master. Running blindly into a wall is no more an option. 1
bluenote Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 It brings tears to my eyes when I read your desperation, pain and hopeless anger. I know everything word by word, I know exactly how it feels. I once drove about 300km simply just to try and outrun this feeling. It feels an impossible task right now, it seems just not possible. I would think of all the bad things about her and decide thats it, and the next minute I was filling a small ocean with tears, why why why, but you said you loved me. the fact is she didn't. It is a very extremely dificult time, this is the time that you must prove your will to overcome and survive.It is the fight of you life and you must bring youself up to task, there are no two ways. Be very carefull not to go over into making it an obsession because it is a very fine line. You must trust in a power greater than yourself and also in your inner being. Pray if you have to and tell yourself it wont be so painfull tomorow you wont feel like this tomorow worsed is over. You will be ok 2
Zahara Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I know exactly how it feels. I once drove about 300km simply just to try and outrun this feeling. That was very sad to read. I hope you are in a better place. 1
Author martaldn Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 It brings tears to my eyes when I read your desperation, pain and hopeless anger. I know everything word by word, I know exactly how it feels. I once drove about 300km simply just to try and outrun this feeling. It feels an impossible task right now, it seems just not possible. I would think of all the bad things about her and decide thats it, and the next minute I was filling a small ocean with tears, why why why, but you said you loved me. the fact is she didn't. It is a very extremely dificult time, this is the time that you must prove your will to overcome and survive.It is the fight of you life and you must bring youself up to task, there are no two ways. Be very carefull not to go over into making it an obsession because it is a very fine line. You must trust in a power greater than yourself and also in your inner being. Pray if you have to and tell yourself it wont be so painfull tomorow you wont feel like this tomorow worsed is over. You will be ok I Want to be ok I hope u are feeling better now I am sorry to read about your pain I totally understand it. I hope things will get brighter for me too..
Author martaldn Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 When those feelings come, you really have to make a conscious choice to take a step back -- and I mean go into a quiet corner and rationalize yourself out of it. Like you said you sit on the potty for 30 minutes to calm down after sending an email. Just the same but this time you omit the part when you send the email. When the feelings come, go and sit somewhere and rationalize yourself out of it. And give yourself an hour, two hours, a day to let it pass. See how you feel then. Then go from there. Step by step. Creating a habit/pattern, a coping skill when these feelings come is what you need to focus on and master. Running blindly into a wall is no more an option. Thanks Zahara You are giving me good hopes I hope I will find my way to get myself back and be the person I was before all this ..
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