Absinthe Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I've been single for almost a year and decided to get back into the dating game. For the first time I started using OLD. I live in a tiny wee city-state with a melting pot of nationalities, races and cultures and of the guys I have dated, no two have been from the same background. So it's been fun and interesting, in that regard. Problem is, whilst I get along great with these guys and they have all asked for second or third dates, I never seem to be attracted to any of them. I know from past experience that if I'm not attracted to a guy from the first two dates (and we're not talking "rip each other's clothes off" style passion here, just not absolute repulsion at the idea of a kiss) then it WILL NOT come with time. I wouldn't say I am picky either, I have been out with a broad range of guys in the past and my family have rolled their eyes at some of my choices It's true that my exes have left me guarded, but it's very unusual for me to meet several dudes and not feel anything. Especially as the dates have all been great. Seriously. Advice that I read or hear about this seems to suggest "forcing" it or that I am emotionally unavailable and should open up. Well sure I've got my issues, but they generally don't get in the way of my ability to feel attraction. Can anyone relate?
EverLastluv Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 (edited) Its really hard to find someone who you like, I been there already. I was single for 8 years could not find the right man. It came to a point where I thought my other half not born yet lol Right now I am seperated from my fiance, not sure if I would ever come close to marry again or I dont know if I ever would be dating again. I feel that dating at this time is very chalenging. Most man just interested in a good time and those are the ones most would fall for. The others is man that may have issues that would not attract me Good luck to you Edited May 21, 2014 by EverLastluv
AnneT1985 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Please be gentle on yourself! Reflect sincerely, but you don't have to force anything:) There is nothing wrong with not having an interest currently or wanting to remain single either. Best of luck to you! xx
Koopa Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Small state, so I am guessing a north eastern state. You should come down to Texas. Trust me you will find a real man here. Don't think about the sterotypes, media likes to find the dumbest people to represent us but the majority of people here have a good head on our shoulders. I recommend Austin.
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 I always needed that instant chemistry thing. I tried "being mature" & dating nice guys hoping the passion would come; it never did so I stopped wasting everybody's time. Keep your eyes open. In a diverse local there has to be somebody who will set your motor running. Keep putting yourself out there & being in situations where you can meet new people.
JohnM Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 You're doing the right thing. Don't be so hard on yourself and more importantly don't rush. I'm in agreement, you need to br attracted to the other person and you generally know that straight away. Not being attracted is a recipe for disaster in my experience as it has to be mutual or it becomes awkward very fast. Given it is through OLD is it that the photos of them seems good but in person it just isn't right?
salparadise Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Advice that I read or hear about this seems to suggest "forcing" it or that I am emotionally unavailable and should open up. Well sure I've got my issues, but they generally don't get in the way of my ability to feel attraction. Can anyone relate? I think it's quite possible that you have built up walls or defenses. I'm basically in the same situation as you––divorced (4 years), living in a rural area and dating but having trouble finding the big fireworks display. I often think about how to become more open and available, and I am not so naive as to blame everything on external factors. I can be attracted physically (I'm a guy) but the typical pattern seems to be that it goes flat at the first sign of a red flag. My defenses are protecting me from emotionally unhealthy situations, but perhaps at the cost of not being able to accept baggage or imperfection in another. I am now exploring the philosophy that a person's wounds are a conduit to their beautiful soul in an effort to moderate the amount of protection/defense I am subconsciously employing. Something for you to consider perhaps.
Author Absinthe Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 Given it is through OLD is it that the photos of them seems good but in person it just isn't right? Yeah, if I like the look of someone from their photo I have to meet to see if there is any actual attraction. Often people look slightly different from their photo anyway (I know I do). I think it's quite possible that you have built up walls or defenses. I'm basically in the same situation as you––divorced (4 years), living in a rural area and dating but having trouble finding the big fireworks display. I often think about how to become more open and available, and I am not so naive as to blame everything on external factors. I can be attracted physically (I'm a guy) but the typical pattern seems to be that it goes flat at the first sign of a red flag. I understand where you're coming from, but I know that when I really am attracted to someone, those red flags don't usually matter unless they are really, really glaring ones. If I'm not really feeling attraction, then nearly everything "negative" the other person does becomes a red flag. It's almost as if a part of me is giving me the heads up that I'm not really into that person. I think my past relationships and the issues from those might hold me back from falling in love, but I feel that when it comes to attraction, they're irrelevant. Dating advice sites seem to get the two mixed up: when somebody asks "Why am I not attracted to anyone?" the answer always seems to be "OPEN YOUR HEART". But attraction seems purely illogical, if it wasn't then I'd be married to my good-on-paper ex by now!
JohnM Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 I think you're playing it safe for now, what's the use in getting into something that you can see early on has deal breakers for you? Wouldnt worry about the defenses being up against falling in love with someone. That's going to take time and with the right person they'll wait and you will get there together. The beauty of most old meet ups is that its usually the case you have no ties to this person or mutual friends. So you can meet, see how it goes and if after a few dates its just not for you then they are easily avoided and you try someone else until you find a fit. You may find in time that you are willing to look past minor issues that right now you are not.
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