firmness Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 What if you are getting closer to someone, and you feel great, and there are a lot of great signs - but you also start seeing serious and numerous red flags? One theory says "communicate openly and honestly about your needs, etc." I have found this to be BS and mostly a one way street. The other theory says "you cannot change another person, you can only change yourself" - so if she is showing signs of whatever, "communicating openly and honestly" is not going to change her anyway. So the third and only reasonable option (emotions aside) is to break up. The advice on this site is all over the place and very conflicting at times. What do you think? What is your best advice?
jt27 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Almost seems like you've already made up your mind. Personally, if I cared enough about the person, I would try my best to communicate with the person and explain my worries. But if you don't think they can be resolved, it's probably best to go your seperate ways and not waste each others time. Everyone has faults, the question is can you live with them...
Zapbasket Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 What are the red flags you're seeing? For how long have you been dating this person? The right course of action varies by person, situation and the duration of the relationship.
central Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 IMO, as soon as a deal-breaker issue ("red flag") appears (and is adequately confirmed), break up. You truly cannot change another person, and most people can't easily change things about themselves (even when they want to). At best - and if there is only one such issue - you can talk to them and give them an opportunity to change, but in most cases the change won't be sufficient and/or won't last. The open and honest communication is for everything else, really. And of course, many things cannot be resolved or compromised, and you must decide if they are things you can live with (if not a deal-breaker).
KathyM Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Dating is supposedly a time to find out if a dating partner is compatible for the long term, and if there are red flags about this dating partner, it's probably best to leave the relationship before investing more time into it. Thinking you're going to change a person is probably not a good plan for success. Likely, whatever red flags there are have been a long time in forming, and will be resistant to change. Trying to get the person to change may result in a temporary change for the person in an effort for him to stay in the relationship, but old patterns have a way of coming back. Case in point, my sister's ex husband. He had multiple divorces and certain habits that were a red flag to her. She ignored those red flags and married him anyway because he managed to convince her that he had changed, and he was making the effort to change, but eventually his old self came out and destroyed their marriage. Staying in a relationship thinking you are going to change a person is not a good plan. Being in a relationship with someone who has red flags prevents you from finding a relationship with someone who would be a good relationship partner.
Natsume21 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 What if you are getting closer to someone, and you feel great, and there are a lot of great signs - but you also start seeing serious and numerous red flags? One theory says "communicate openly and honestly about your needs, etc." I have found this to be BS and mostly a one way street. The other theory says "you cannot change another person, you can only change yourself" - so if she is showing signs of whatever, "communicating openly and honestly" is not going to change her anyway. So the third and only reasonable option (emotions aside) is to break up. The advice on this site is all over the place and very conflicting at times. What do you think? What is your best advice? Stay away from her. The fact that these simple, but powerful pieces of advice seem to deter you proves that you sense that she isn't mature enough for handle them. Cut your losses, dude. The writing's all over the wall. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Red flags are there to warn, not look pretty so if you see them, then your being warned and you then have a choice. Heed them or pay the consequences. 1
Chi townD Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Hell, your post is a little confusing to me. For me, red flags are little indications that someone is not being honest with you. Or little pieces of evidence that someone is being unfaithful. I'm a firm believer that communication is key to a good relationship. if you can't communicate with each other, then you're going to have problems. If you convey your concerns to your partner and the two of you come to a happy median on a problem, then it's up to each person to meet the others needs. If it starts to become one sided. Then, you're going to have to reassess the relationship.
LifeIsGreat Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Don't confuse red flags for yellow flags. Red flag means STOP!! These are the overt deal breakers like someone having kids if you don't want them, drug addiction, abuser, or whatever would stop you flate. Yellow flag means CAUTION. Observe, communicate, and negotiate. Yellow flags can turn into red flags when someone is not willing to communicate/negotiate.
No Limit Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 One theory says "communicate openly and honestly about your needs, etc." I have found this to be BS and mostly a one way street. Communication would spare people a lot of pain if it wouldn't be just one person talking to deaf eared-people. Doesn't matter whether they realize it afterwards, it's too late then. Red flags are clear signals to get out unless you're really really sure you won't mind them waving in the wind from the start to the end of your relationship. And there will be an end to it, quite quickly if red flags are present. 1
Author firmness Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 Don't confuse red flags for yellow flags. Red flag means STOP!! ...Yellow flag means CAUTION. I disagree. "Signs" are what you call yellow flags. You can ignore them or do something about them. A red flag is a warning that something is wrong. A deal breaker is what you call a "STOP" red flag. Either way, I broke up with her tonight.
SomeHeart Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 A happy relationship is where two people meet in the middle , there should be a healthy balance. It doesn't matter how perfect a relationship is , there's always going to be things that bug you about the other person but the general idea is that the things you love about them should outweigh it. Saying that there are some things that you can't sacrifice, if you're feeling emotionally deprived then it doesn't seem like you have much of a relationship to begin with. Poor communication is generally a sign that you're not compatible. There's lots happiness to be found. Life's too short to be struggling in unhappy relationships. 2
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