TheNightRaven Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 Hello everyone, I just want to start by thanking anyone who gives me advice regarding my issue, I really need some outside help. So, just this past weekend on the 18th, my girlfriend of over a year came out to me and told me that things between us just weren't the same anymore and that we should go our own ways. Honestly, I was heartbroken. I fell apart and, foolishly, pleaded for another chance with her. I truly do love her, and I couldn't stop myself from doing those things while I was so heartbroken - I do regret it now. Our relationship has been, at least in my eyes, perfect until then. We have both been faithful, we both enjoyed each other's presence, and we have been deeply in love without any wavering feelings.... Until, according to her, about a month ago. She told me that starting about a month ago, the feelings she used to have started to thin - as if the relationship wasn't fresh anymore. She tried to fix it alone for 3 weeks, never once telling me anything about it whatsoever. Then 1 week ago, she told me that she loved some other guy and we talked a little bit, and at the mere mention that I was hurt, she broke down and confessed that she didn't really and that it was mere flattery (because he said she was pretty, which is apparently rare for her... I don't get it), and not love at all. She kept saying she loved me and that she was so sorry. And so I believed her, and we went on normally for another week. Then on Sunday, she said it just wasn't the same anymore, and I broke down myself. Then on Monday, after crying to myself over what I may no longer have anymore (the small things that had become so ingrained into my life). Thankfully, early in the morning on Monday, I stumbled across this site as I was looking for help. And boy did it help. The advice here has been very helpful, and very very comforting. I haven't cried since I found this site, although I've still been very depressed over the issue. Well, I cut off contact with her after sending her one more text, telling her that I do still love her and that I'd give her space, and that hopefully she'd look at me like she used to again. After that, early this morning, I read up on the thread about G.I.G.S., Grass is Greener Syndrome, and I must say that it matches nearly perfectly. It was sudden, there were literally no troubles in our entire relationship, she kept telling me she still really does love me (and she isn't lying, she has never been a good liar), and even her friends have said she doesn't have a real reason other than "We just lost something, I can't put my finger on it." From every piece of information I squeezed from her, her friends, and my brother (who has also been a close friend to her), it honestly feels like she is going through G.I.G.S. For a day now, I have been utilizing N.C. (No Contact) between us. I told my brother to avoid saying anything to her about me, anything at all, since they are friends too. I want to give her space and time to think about everything, and I hope that she comes to realize what she has given up. I truly do love her, and I wouldn't do any of this if I didn't believe there was a chance, and that she was truly going through something like G.I.G.S. She was my perfect girlfriend, and we never had any problems until this fiasco occurred. I care deeply for her, and I do feel as though she is just lost and struggling to discover what she truly wants and needs. ------ However, I do need help and advice from those of you who have knowledge and experience from these sorts of things. I do want to try this and make things work, and hopefully to get her to realize that we were perfect for each other. My brother is in a ton of contact with her throughout the day, as they attend the same school and share many classes. He agreed to avoid any questions she brings to him about me, to keep the No Contact plan going. Today, about 24 hours after I first started the NC, she texted me to ask how I was doing. I haven't responded, I don't want to give her any satisfaction of her decision, nor reassurance on her part. However, my brother isn't as strong as I am and is afraid he'll let things slip out. Any advice on what I could tell him to aid him in this? He can't avoid her, as it's school and they share classes, so that is out of the question. Also, any advice on what i should do? What I should look out for, and to what should I respond to other than the general idea of "I love you, i'm sorry for what I did, and you are truly the only one for me"? I'm sorry if this hasn't been very clear, my mind hasn't been working as well as normal because of this very depressing event - I've lost my hunger, happiness, and the knowledge of where to go next. I wouldn't be doing any of this, and would instead just move on, if I didn't believe she is simply going through a rough patch and can't come to terms with the facts of the situation, and that we are truly meant to be. If things don't work out between us, I will accept it and move on, but not before I give it a chance and try to mend our relationship. Again, thank you for any advice, I really need it. And I really needed to get this out there, I feel a little better now.
sly_fly1 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 all i want you to do is let her know how you do feel, then vanish. she will come around, but by then you wont want her. i took back my gf after she did this and came back. now weve been together for a bit working on things. but as i start to feel more n more like i should have pushed her away for betraying me. she starts to get closer and closer. its a difficult situation. you can reply to her messages, dont be a jerk. but dont ever message her first. and dont go out of your way for her
Author TheNightRaven Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 all i want you to do is let her know how you do feel, then vanish. she will come around, but by then you wont want her. i took back my gf after she did this and came back. now weve been together for a bit working on things. but as i start to feel more n more like i should have pushed her away for betraying me. she starts to get closer and closer. its a difficult situation. you can reply to her messages, dont be a jerk. but dont ever message her first. and dont go out of your way for her In my last text message to her before I went NC, I very deeply told her how I felt and that I still loved her, and that I hoped she'd look at me again one day like she did before. But that was the last thing I said. When the time comes that she does come around, and I am truly over her, then I won't take her back - but as for right now, I do still love her and want to try and fix the relationship. So, should I break NC and talk to her, or maintain it for longer?
Brutus Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Sorry for your loss man, it hurts badly and it's not gonna get better soon. It will take a long time so get ready. Some talk of GIGS, but many people like to think so because it gives them hopes of a comeback. In cases like your, mine or others I read about in this forum (namely when the ex partner kept saying to love the soon-to-be dumpee just till a few moments before breaking up with no apparent reason and without giving any concrete explanation) I would rather talk about conflict avoider personality. As you told, your ex never told you anything and tried to fix problems on her own. That's precisely what conflict avoiders do: they would rather see their relationship die rather than facing their inability to communicate their feelings, especially when they know they would hurt someone they care about. I wrote a thread about this. About "mending", I am sorry to say there is nothing you can do, at least now. If a relationship ends because of a fight, there can be forgiveness and reconciliation. If it fades because feelings (on one side) aren't there anymore, "there ain't no cure for love", as Leonard Cohen used to sing. Do not contact her. It will be hard but you should try. You should give her the chance to miss you. And be aware that, with time, she may just grow more comfortable about being without you. If she textes you, do what you feel like. If you answer, be polite but essential and brief. Give as little details as you can about how you are, how you feel, etc. You have a big, difficult journey ahead. Fortunately you will find support here. And think also about this: even if you were in a relationship with a person who develops feelings for random guys just because they tell her she is pretty, or a person who - when a problem arises - feels like you are the last person she shall discuss it with, do you really think that would be a happy relationship? I have been thinking about it myself (had a similar issue with my ex) and I came to the conclusion that such a relationship, even if mended, would always be disfunctional. You do not want that.
Author TheNightRaven Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Thanks Brutus, that was very very enlightening! The "Conflict Avoider" describes her perfectly, even to the point that my brother (her friend) agreed in an instant. I will wait for awhile, months even, for the chance that she comes and returns to her senses, then I'll give her a second chance. I won't settle for anything less than complete devotion to me, and I'll make sure she *knows* she has to talk to me openly about everything, and I'll drill it into her head what I mean. Of course, I'll do that because I love and care for her still. And hopefully she does realize this before I get over her - but if I do before she does, then I'll move on, I know I will. My brother is willing to talk to her in about a week's time to try to get her thinking about the mistakes she made, and hopefully improve herself (even if I'm not included) Thank you for the help so far ^^ I greatly appreciate it!
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