polynomial Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 So my ex dumped me for good in November/December last year. We had an on-off relationship and prior to the final dump he had done it many times before. I met someone new in February and things are goind great. Unlike my ex, he has loads of time for me, he actively dedicates his time for me, sex is great etc. We get along great, is what I mean. But for some reason, I keep coming back to my ex and think "If I had behaved like I do in this new relationship, maybe we would've worked?" And I *know* it's stupid, because logically, I behave with this new guy the way I do precisely because of the way he treats me and my ex and I were like we were because of the way he treated me. I know they are 2 different people. Ugh, I hate this feeling, because I KNOW I was miserable with my ex. I don't know, Im confused. (An example: With my ex, we always fought because I did not want as mch sex as he did. And he wanted loads. I never quite enjoyed it with him. Now with this new guy, I can't get enough. I always want it! So things should be great, right? So why do I keep thinking that maybe NOW I could be like this with my ex as well? Could it be because he was my first? Because I know for fact I am not in love with him (my ex) anymore. I do't even know if I ever was. I know nothing anymore, obviously. )
Dallers Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 So my ex dumped me for good in November/December last year. We had an on-off relationship and prior to the final dump he had done it many times before. I met someone new in February and things are goind great. Unlike my ex, he has loads of time for me, he actively dedicates his time for me, sex is great etc. We get along great, is what I mean. But for some reason, I keep coming back to my ex and think "If I had behaved like I do in this new relationship, maybe we would've worked?" And I *know* it's stupid, because logically, I behave with this new guy the way I do precisely because of the way he treats me and my ex and I were like we were because of the way he treated me. I know they are 2 different people. Ugh, I hate this feeling, because I KNOW I was miserable with my ex. I don't know, Im confused. (An example: With my ex, we always fought because I did not want as mch sex as he did. And he wanted loads. I never quite enjoyed it with him. Now with this new guy, I can't get enough. I always want it! So things should be great, right? So why do I keep thinking that maybe NOW I could be like this with my ex as well? Could it be because he was my first? Because I know for fact I am not in love with him (my ex) anymore. I do't even know if I ever was. I know nothing anymore, obviously. ) It is funny the way the brain works, some of our worst experiences in a relationship become what we want the most. When things are great, fun and easy there is no challenge and that is what peaks our interest, the chase, the challenge, the danger. What you are feeling is totally normal but you got with a new guy very quickly. If I was really into my ex I do not think 3 months would have been long enough for me to really get over them and so what you are now experiencing is doubt. What you had with this guy however would not have been any different no matter what you did because he is not your current boyfriend. I guarantee that if you went back to your ex thinking things could be different you would quickly realise that you just made the biggest mistake of your life and lost the great guy you are with now on an impossible hope. The human brain loves to do things like this to us. He is an a*sehole.
Zahara Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I have a gf. She was dating this guy that treated her like trash. She even said she hated sex with him. Then she meets a great guy that treats her well and they have great intimacy and he's very passionate. She loves that. But she will still say, "I wish ex was this way." Her conclusion: 1) not over the ex 2) not really into the new guy eventhough he passes the checklist 3) new relationship lacking drama, which is what she is used to. Personally, being over my ex, if I met a great guy and we connected that way, the last thing on my mind would be the ex. Why? Because I would be consumed by the wonderful relationship I'm currently in. 1
Author polynomial Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 It is funny the way the brain works, some of our worst experiences in a relationship become what we want the most. When things are great, fun and easy there is no challenge and that is what peaks our interest, the chase, the challenge, the danger. What you are feeling is totally normal but you got with a new guy very quickly. If I was really into my ex I do not think 3 months would have been long enough for me to really get over them and so what you are now experiencing is doubt. What you had with this guy however would not have been any different no matter what you did because he is not your current boyfriend. I guarantee that if you went back to your ex thinking things could be different you would quickly realise that you just made the biggest mistake of your life and lost the great guy you are with now on an impossible hope. The human brain loves to do things like this to us. He is an a*sehole. Thanks for the reply, I really like what you said! I realise I got together with the new guy VERY early, waaay more early than I wanted to enter a new relationship (planned to give it at least a year), but it just happened. I had MAJOR doubts first (and, obviously, still have some) and have discussed it with the new bf as well (haven't told him what I'm writing here, just the fact that I just recently got dumped and stuff, so he knows the general thing what is going on ) And it was my ex was the one who kept dumping me, and I know we would *never* get back together, it's just that.. all these regrets and coulda woulda shoulda's are coming at me breakneck speed and it's confusing..
Dallers Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) Thanks for the reply, I really like what you said! I realise I got together with the new guy VERY early, waaay more early than I wanted to enter a new relationship (planned to give it at least a year), but it just happened. I had MAJOR doubts first (and, obviously, still have some) and have discussed it with the new bf as well (haven't told him what I'm writing here, just the fact that I just recently got dumped and stuff, so he knows the general thing what is going on ) And it was my ex was the one who kept dumping me, and I know we would *never* get back together, it's just that.. all these regrets and coulda woulda shoulda's are coming at me breakneck speed and it's confusing.. Very confusing. I still think about her now. Always will. rows, fights and break ups all included but there was still something about her... But at the end of the day totally incompatible. Sounds like the guy you are with now is compatible and to me sounds like a keeper for sure. It is similar to wanting what we cannot have. We do not want it, it is just a way our brain uses doubt as a defence mechanism when we have not completely switched off from a past experience that is still hurting us. If you feel confident enough talk to your new guy about it, I would appreciate you telling me this and he sounds like the kind of guy that would too. He will reassure you. Edited May 20, 2014 by Dallers
lovesick1 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Sounds like a case of you want what you can't have. You said it yourself, everything is way better with the new guy. Stick it out, stop looking at your ex's facebook, don't contact him, and in no time you'll realize you don't miss him
soccerrprp Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 And it was my ex was the one who kept dumping me, and I know we would *never* get back together, it's just that.. all these regrets and coulda woulda shoulda's are coming at me breakneck speed and it's confusing.. Up and down relationship. Break-ups and back togethers...all signs of a relationship that never was healthy or working. Here's a thought. He dumped you. You don't like the idea that YOU were not good enough for someone. Your ego says, "hey, if i could, i'd show him to break-up with me!" Part of what you're feeling is that you are having a difficult time being the one being dumped, being told that you are not good enough and that bothers the heck out of you. Some people have this deep, unhealthy desire to try to go back to try to fix, undue or prove to themselves that it wasn't their fault. THIS IS UNHEALTHY and debilitating. Just move on and let yourself to have a healthy relationship.
Author polynomial Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Thanks for the replies, everyone. I know you're all right. I shudder to think back at some situations we had. I would never want to feel that kind of fear of him dumping me ever again. Guess I just need to give it more time.
soccerrprp Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Guess I just need to give it more time. More time for the new guy? More time to separate yourself from the toxic relationship you had with your ex? More time before jumping into a new relationship? Well, for the latter, it's too late. You're already in a new one. But, you definitely need to let your past ex and ex-relationship go.
Author polynomial Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 More time for the new guy? More time to separate yourself from the toxic relationship you had with your ex? More time before jumping into a new relationship? Well, for the latter, it's too late. You're already in a new one. But, you definitely need to let your past ex and ex-relationship go. The middle one. I know the new rs came too quickly but honestly, last year with my ex was him dumping me CONSTANTLY (4 times ina year (Y)) so we were hanging by a thread for a long time anyway.
soccerrprp Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 The middle one. I know the new rs came too quickly but honestly, last year with my ex was him dumping me CONSTANTLY (4 times ina year (Y)) so we were hanging by a thread for a long time anyway. Yes. You NEVER had a healthy relationship with your ex. He was NEVER committed to you. Now that you are in one where you feel happier, give it a go and remember that your ex represents everything YOU DON'T WANT in a relationship.
Phantom888 Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 You need to get over your ex before you move forward with the new man. This is so unfair to him. 2
Author polynomial Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 You need to get over your ex before you move forward with the new man. This is so unfair to him. I have been hobest to him about myvsituation from day one and he wanted tocontinue and see where it takes us. of course if this.nagging voice wont silence, i will talk to him again.
David87 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 You aren't over your ex, that's why you keep thinking about him and the fact he was your first adds to this situation. You are in a healty relationship now, you should apreciate it more.
Better Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I was in love with my ex. I thought it would last forever. We broke up multiple times over a few years, fought on a regular basis, and had some very basic incompatibilities that were unlikely to be resolved. Yet I could never see that when I was in the relationship. When she broke up with me the final time, I was devastated and it took me quite a while to get over it. I just couldn't see how two people who were so "perfect" weren't meant to be together. Now, much later, I can see why it didn't work. Not only would I never get back together with her, but I am also conscious about some of her traits in other women that I date, knowing that they are deal breakers. You just have to take some time to start thinking rationally and really understand why the break up took place. The rose colored glasses are very powerful but ultimately not helpful. 1
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