No idea

May 20, 2014

I've been with my wife for nearly four years (started dating four years ago, living together for two years, married about fifteen months). She has two kids, 7 and 9, who are with us most of the time except they're with their father two out of every three weekends. I have two kids, 13 and 16, who are with us periodically.

We have fun together and good times. However, there are a number of things that make the relationship especially difficult.

1. We fight repeatedly about the issue of me supposedly being too busy or over scheduled. The persistent refrain is that she feels like it's my life and she just has to fit into it. However, I work a Monday to Friday job, and I'm home almost every evening and on weekends. (I sometimes have to go to the office on weekends but that's unusual.) She's been working from home for the last year trying to start a business, so she has more "alone time" than I do. Before we moved in together I would be out doing things with people other than her a few nights a week (seeing a fitness trainer, drinks with a friend, etc.), but I've scaled that back to a single Wednesday night martial arts class that's over at 8, after which I come home. Thus I feel like I've given up a lot, which I'm okay with because you have to make sacrifices and compromises to make a relationship work. And yet I still deal with what I see as her false narrative in which I'm out all the time and never have time for her. It's frustrating that I've made a bunch of compromises willingly but am told that it's still not enough.

2. She's assured me that she wants me to be happy, to do things, and that she supports that. However, it feels like, when I actually do take her at her stated word, half the time I end up paying for it somehow. Either I haven't adequately made sure she's cared for or entertained while I'm out, or she feels I'm out having fun without her, or neglecting her, etc. (Or if I don't text her enough while I'm out and tell her how much I miss her, that causes a fight later too.) A big example: every year for the last ten years I've done a stage play with a group of other people who work in the same industry I do; this does admittedly take some time from her and me during a period of about two months of the year, though I've specifically asked for and received small roles for the last few years to keep this disruption to a minimum. This year, I had to go to rehearsals about once a week, except for the week of the actual show when I was out ever night. And yet it still causes problems. I've told her that I'll stop doing it, and she says no, she WANTS me to do it. I guess I just feel that things she claims to want me to do, I should be able to do with a lot less negative consequence and what feels like punishment.

3. I'm carrying most of the financial burden, which means I'm not paying down my own debt or building up savings. When we moved in together two years ago we agreed on a division of the expenses, but that's gone by the wayside: she went through some job strife a year ago and I supported her through it, including supporting her desire to start her own business which has taken time to get off the ground and is still scraping by. I even helped her buy a car last month when hers died, and I don't really expect to get paid back. And I've done all this without complaining and without making her feel bad. (Ironically, she doesn't like being dependent on others, but now she is to an extent.) I haven't really had to raise this with her because each month she's very apologetic when she can't pay her share of the bills, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm subsidizing her dreams and still getting the treatment I referred to above.

4. Our house is a pigsty. She's home more than me, but I'm not asking her to clean the house or be anything resembling a "housewife" - I'd just like her to do very basic things like putting food wrappers in the garbage can under the kitchen sink instead of on the kitchen counter, putting dirty laundry in the hamper five feet away instead of on the floor of our bedroom, not covering the dining room table and credenza with papers and other junk, etc. I do most of the cleaning and laundry, and I'm okay with that - I just want cooperation keeping the place somewhat tidy on a minimal ongoing basis so that it's not a total mess. Her kids are barely policed in this area unless I say something. Apparently cleaning "triggers" her because her abusive ex used to require her to do it, and the one time I've actually raised it with her because it was bugging me, I evidently did so in the wrong way because it caused a fight.

5. I want to travel and see more of the world. She has little money so the cost will be on me, which I'm okay with, because I'd want to have those experiences with her. However, she doesn't have a huge desire to do that, and lately she seems to be trying to convince me subtly to NOT want to travel, "we live in the best place on earth", etc. So the choices are for her to agree to travel with me and make that a priority when she doesn't really want to, or for me to go without her, which wouldn't make her happy at all.

6. It feels like there's a huge double standard when one of us is upset at the other. If I've done something wrong, she'll go on about it at length and bring it up repeatedly on subsequent occasions. If I'm annoyed about something, I can mention it once, and god help me if I bring it up again, bring it up in a way that to her seems too critical or "mean", or talk about it longer than she wants to.

7. She is very emotionally needy and it feels like I'm responsible for almost the entirety of her happiness, and thus largely to blame when she's not happy. During the time we've been living together she's also been on antidepressants, she goes to counseling for PTSD from abuse she suffered in her previous marriage, and she has an Ativan prescription to deal with anxiety. The anxiety has caused her, in the last two weeks especially, to drink to excess (reaching the point of slurring her words, several nights in a row).

Which leads to the weekend that just passed. I have a large work commitment starting in about two weeks and lasting for the month of June; that doesn't happen too often, but it's the nature of my work and she knows that. (In the past she's worked in the same industry.) I was going to go to my office on Sunday, but she was feeling depressed and lonely so I worked at home while she slept most of the day. Yesterday was a statutory holiday up here, but I had to go to the office to meet with a client. As soon as I've left I get a slew of crummy text messages from her about how I'm abandoning her when she's lonely, I don't care about her, I think she's a burden on my life, I'm selfish, etc. I'm not leaving the house for kicks -- I have to.

Anyway, she texts me awhile later saying that she's taken her whole bottle of Ativan. I text back saying that if she's lying to me, she has a minute to tell me or I'm calling 911. She texts back and says she's lying. Awhile later, a friend of hers calls me and tells me that she's knocked on the door to our place repeatedly and rang the bell, and called my wife, and no answer, and she's worried. I immediately get in my car and drive home. She's pretty out of it, but says she did take all the Ativan (about 20 pills), so I call 911. Ambulance takes her to the hospital and we're there all day, and we both stay there overnight because the resident psychiatrist isn't satisfied that she's safe to release and she doesn't want me to leave her there. (Her kids are with their father until later today.) Fortunately an overdose of Ativan, as long as it's not taken with alcohol, can't kill you, it just knocks you out. She's still at the hospital; presumably they'll release her later today.

I feel overwhelmed. I have a huge work obligation bearing down on me. I have a wife who may be suicidal. I feel like the pill-taking is due to her emotional state, but that the emotional state is in part based on a very flawed set of perceptions on her part, for which I get blamed despite clear evidence to the contrary. (I should point out that numbers 1-6 that I set out above were all present before depression reared its head; the depression has made them worse.)

I don't know what to do. Part of me, I'm sorry to say, wants to get out of the whole situation, because I don't want my life to be like this. That part of me looks at what I'm getting out of this relationship (she loves me very much, she's affectionate, the sex is good, and we are able to have a good time together) versus what it costs me emotionally and otherwise, and sees a huge imbalance. Which is a crappy way to look at one's marriage, but those are the thoughts I've been having. Which probably makes me really selfish.

Not sure if I'm looking for advice.... at the very least, this is a vent. Thanks to anybody who successfully reads the whole thing.

Edited May 20, 2014 by Madman81

May 20, 2014

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I understand how difficult it can be.

The problem is that your wife has mental health issues. You expect her to be rational and understanding, but she is probably incapable of that. She is diagnosed PTSD, but she sounds like she could be Borderline. Her suicide attempts & threats, along with her constantly feeling abandoned when you go to work, make me think this. My sister has BPD, with the hallmark fear of abandonment, suicide attempts and drinking to self medicate. They are not able to regulate their emotions properly, and are very dramatic, immature, unreasonable, unstable, etc.

It is very difficult to be married to a person with these kids of issues. It is common for spouses to say it feels like they are always "walking on eggshells". It can be overwhelming. You will have to be responsible for everything, because she simply cannot be depended on.

There are some good sites out there for families of Borderlines. Even if she is not Borderline, many of the tips will work for you because she has very similar traits.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I understand how difficult it can be.

The problem is that your wife has mental health issues. You expect her to be rational and understanding, but she is probably incapable of that. She is diagnosed PTSD, but she sounds like she could be Borderline. Her suicide attempts & threats, along with her constantly feeling abandoned when you go to work, make me think this. My sister has BPD, with the hallmark fear of abandonment, suicide attempts and drinking to self medicate. They are not able to regulate their emotions properly, and are very dramatic, immature, unreasonable, unstable, etc.

It is very difficult to be married to a person with these kids of issues. It is common for spouses to say it feels like they are always "walking on eggshells". It can be overwhelming. You will have to be responsible for everything, because she simply cannot be depended on.

There are some good sites out there for families of Borderlines. Even if she is not Borderline, many of the tips will work for you because she has very similar traits. http://bpdfamily.com/

http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/0001063

May 20, 2014

Man, I honestly don't know what to suggest. Quiet Storm has some good ideas, but I just wanted you to know that we've got your back for whatever that may be worth.

May 20, 2014

Some of your issues could be fixed - IF your wife was of sound mind. But a suicide attempt means therapy. Insist on individual therapy for her - even make the appointment if you need to. Tell her that no matter if the issues in the marriage are your fault, her fault or both, that doesn't matter. She attempted to take her life, and that means she needs help.

The individual therapist can decide whether you are also ready for joint counseling, or whether your wife should be in individual for a while first.

She may even need a short-term inpatient program so she can focus on whatever is going on in her head and get her meds right.

May 20, 2014

She must be very unstable - I hope they keep her in the hospital for several days so they can determine a rational plan for change when she comes home.

This money agreement isn't what you two agreed to - she may be better off working a regular job that earns consistent money so she can keep her word.

Your dreams and commitments should not need to go by the wayside. It's up to HER to get healthy - it's up to you to state what your expectations are.

If it's not well aligned - then D may be your better option.

May 20, 2014

I don't know about PTSD, or borderline (but worth researching this for you I think) but I do know about anxiety and how crazy it can make you. When you're always perched on the edge of 'fight or flight' in your mind and in your actual body chemistry, it warps your perceptions and makes you say and do things that are unreasonable.

To everyone else it's a normal day and it's time to go to work and why on earth wouldn't you go and do your job to pay the bills?

But inside her head, she's in grave danger, and so someone going to work feels like abandonment becuase what's more important? work or saving her? Of course she's not in danger, but she *feels* that she is and the way anxiety messes with your perceptions *it's very difficult to see around the feelings*. It's hard to understand if you've never had it. It is possible to see around them - therapy did it for me. But it's difficult and requires determination and some new skills and self awareness. Taking drugs to manage it too often means you never learn to really live with it, and so it keeps messing with you.

I feel for you; it's a hard spot to be in. She has to be wiling to see how her behaviour is impacting on you and work together with you to find another way forward.

May 20, 2014

Thank you everybody. For taking time out of your lives and reading through all that. And especially for your advice and well wishes. It means a lot.

She's still waiting for the psychiatrist at the hospital to see her. Meanwhile she's sending me a bunch of plaintive sounding text messages pleading with me to take her home (I can't because it's up to the psychiatrist to release her). I took her tablet to her this morning so she can at least watch a documentary and zone out but she seems to be resisting that.

May 20, 2014

She's still waiting for the psychiatrist at the hospital to see her. Meanwhile she's sending me a bunch of plaintive sounding text messages pleading with me to take her home (I can't because it's up to the psychiatrist to release her). I took her tablet to her this morning so she can at least watch a documentary and zone out but she seems to be resisting that.

You need to talk to the psychiatrist at the hotel. Ask him/her for a recommendation for someone for your wife to see for regular therapy.

There are things you need to do to assert yourself and create boundaries for yourself in this marriage, but first, your responsibility is to help get your wife out of crisis mode. She is obviously struggling very deeply, and I promise it isn't just because you are going to work. There is something going on in her, and she is clawing at you out of desperation.

May 20, 2014

I agree. She's already been seeing a counselor for the last several months on a weekly basis due to the PTSD (although she didn't go to the last two sessions), and the psychiatrist at the hospital last night has already recommended that she attend a support group a couple of times a week; apparently they're free.

And yes, I also agree that now is NOT the time to address my dissatisfaction. Getting her to a state of mental and emotional stability is job one right now.

May 20, 2014

After you get through this immediate crisis, I would suggest finding a counselor that is skilled in DBT Therapy. It has shown to be helpful for PTSD sufferers and Borderlines, and I think it would help her learn to cope with her feelings in healthier ways.

May 20, 2014

I don't know what to do. Part of me, I'm sorry to say, wants to get out of the whole situation, because I don't want my life to be like this. That part of me looks at what I'm getting out of this relationship (she loves me very much, she's affectionate, the sex is good, and we are able to have a good time together) versus what it costs me emotionally and otherwise, and sees a huge imbalance. Which is a crappy way to look at one's marriage, but those are the thoughts I've been having. Which probably makes me really selfish.

It seems like you have some good advice here. She has mental health issues that make all of this difficult.

I just want to say that you are not selfish for thinking about the life that you want to have, and considering leaving under these circumstances. If you had birthed or adopted children together that would be different.

May 21, 2014

Madman, I agree with QuietStorm that you are describing some of the classic warning signs for BPD, which my exW has. Importantly, when BPD is a strong possibility, you cannot rely on your W's psychologist to be candid with you. Therapists generally are loath to tell a BPDer client -- much less tell her husband -- the name of her disorder.

Instead, therapists typically will name only the co-occurring "clinical disorders" such as depression, PTSD, and bipolar. I mention this because, if you are seeing strong BPD warning signs, it is important that you see your own psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and the children are dealing with. That is, it is important that you consult with a psychologist who has not seen or treated your W because he will be ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not hers.

I therefore suggest you consult with your own psychologist if you are seeing many strong BPD red flags. I list them in my post at 18 Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, QuietStorm and I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Madman.

May 21, 2014

DT, she definitely fits a number of those. However, I note your caution in the other thread that most people display at least some of them from time to time, so I'm not sure how accurate my assessment is. Seeing my own counsellor sounds like an excellent idea.

I spoke to her by phone yesterday in the early afternoon and she wasn't doing well emotionally. She doesn't remember much of the previous day (the day I called 911). I then got a bunch of texts from her saying that I'd abandoned her, that I don't care, etc. Doesn't called the staff psychiatrist at the hospital and gave him the background that led to the 911 call. He was initially thinking about releasing her yesterday. However, I recounted the text messages (she was sending more of them while I was on the phone with him, including a few saying nobody loves her, she's not worthy of it, and it would be best for her to die), and he changed his opinion and felt she should stay another night. I got to the hospital and met with her and him; she was in tears and pleading to be let out because the hospital itself is triggering for her (her ex's abuse put her in the psych ward a couple of years before she and I met), but the psych exercised his authority and said she had to stay another night. They wanted to give her meds to help her sleep which she initially resisted almost to the point of them sedating her by injection, but she calmed down and took the pills instead. I left at that point because I had to pickup her kids and get them home. While I was there, she indicated that she thinks I ratted her out to the psych by telling him about our private text messages. So I feel a bit like I did. My goal wasn't to get her to have to say another night; I was simply listening to the psych telling me she should be fine to go home and felt he should have all the info. Maybe I was wrong; I don't know.

Assuming they feel she can be released home tomorrow, I'm frankly dreading it. I have no idea what the immediate future will look like, but I have a feeling it won't be pretty.

May 21, 2014

Part of the immediate challenge is that I feel like I'm letting others down by neglecting my other responsibilities (my kids, most importantly) but don't feel like I can give the full story to anybody and get their support and understanding because if my wife ever found out I told other people she swallowed a bottle of pills, she'd be humiliated. So I can't tell any family members, or a friend, or let my ex wife know so that it's a bit clearer why I haven't seen my own kids in the last few days as I normally would.

The one exception is my boss; I basically brought him fully up to speed yesterday so that he'll know why in case my work suffers or my performance in this upcoming bug commitment isn't great. Fortunately he was sympathetic.

May 21, 2014

DT, she definitely fits a number of those. However, I note your caution in the other thread that most people display at least some of them from time to time....

Madman, there is nothing subtle about strong BPD traits such as always being "The Victim," strong verbal abuse, fear of abandonment, and instability. If those warning signs are occurring, you would have to be blind, deaf, and dumb not to see them. Although you will be unable to determine whether they satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for full-blown BPD, it is not difficult at all to spot the traits themselves.

As I said in that other thread, we all occasionally get strong flareups of our BPD traits, e.g., during a hormone shift caused by puberty, pregnancy, or perimenopause. An important issue, then, is whether your W's strong BPD traits are persistent over many years. If not, you are seeing a temporary flareup, not a lifetime pattern of BPD traits.

Seeing my own counselor sounds like an excellent idea.

Relying on your wife's therapist for candid advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on her attorney for advice during a divorce. It is important you obtain advice from a psychologist who is ethically bound to protect only your best interests, not hers. Of course, your psychologist will not be able to render a formal diagnosis because he has never seen her. He nonetheless will be able to say "It sure sounds to me like you and the kids are dealing with ...."

I was simply listening to the psych telling me she should be fine to go home and felt he should have all the info. Maybe I was wrong; I don't know.

Smart choice. You did the right thing. It would have been foolish to do otherwise.

May 21, 2014

Just spoke to the hospital half an hour ago. The nurse wasn't very helpful, simply telling me that they're transferring her to the psychiatric ward sometime today. I have no idea if that means she could be released today or what. Hopefully I'll be able to speak to the psychiatrist in the next short while. Apparently her night was uneventful.

So much going through my head. Doom scenarios mostly. I'll explain.

The blowup that triggered her swallowing all the pills has its roots about a week ago. She'd been under the weather (a cold type thing) for a few days. A friend of mine who has been in a difficult relationship finally pulled the plug on that relationship. This had been coming for a few weeks, and my wife and I had talked about him crashing at our place temporarily after his move-out. She'd agreed to that. Plus there had been a few "false alarms" where it looked like he was going to move out and didn't. Then last Wednesday, he actually did, so I told him at about 5 pm to head to our place. My wife was already there and he arrived before I did. I gave her a heads-up by text, in response to which she sent me back some texts about how I hadn't considered her or checked with her and how thoughtless this was of me. I walk in the door and my friend and her are already there, a drink in hand while he updates her on what happened. Friendly as can be. The contrast between the crappy texts from her that I'd read literally minutes earlier and her sudden friendliness towards me when I walk in is rather staggering.

My friend stays Wednesday and Thursday nights; during the day he's gone at work. Starting Friday night he'd made arrangements with another friend who had a proper spare room. So my wife and I were together, alone, on Friday night and Saturday morning. Saturday afternoon/evening we're at a wedding with the friend who'd been staying with us those two nights; when that's over we three come back to our place for the night. Next morning my wife gets upset over the day's plans because I've indicated I have to work. My friend heads off to his other arranged space to crash and has been there since.

Anyway, my wife on Monday (in all the texts she sent me before swallowing the pills) attributed her meltdown to the way the weekend went, the fact that there hadn't been as much her-and-me time, the fact that I hadn't planned anything for her and me to do during the long weekend, etc. When I saw her at the hospital yesterday afternoon she was saying more of the same stuff.

So, back to why I foresee doom. I don't know if the psychiatrist is going to let her out tonight or not. She's trying to run a business and her clients will get inconvenienced. Thus I have a feeling she's going to blame everything on me:

1. The fact that she took all the Ativan;

2. The fact that she was taken to the hospital at all (she says she "just wanted to sleep", while her texts to me were saying she feels useless and if would be better if she just dies);

3. The fact that she's been kept for ___ days at the hospital;

4. Any consequent damage to her business.

At this point, I'm not expecting that she's going to let go of this, and that she's going to feel completely justified in blaming me for it for the foreseeable future.

This is really freaking hard. That's why I said earlier that I'm dreading her release from hospital.

May 21, 2014

I'm looking after my stepkids with the help of a friend of ours who picks them up from school and hangs onto them till I can leave work.

The challenge is going to be coming up with an explanation for people if she remains in the hospital beyond today. She'd be PISSED if I told people the truth. So far I've been going with "she had a bad reaction to medication and the doctors want to keep an eye on her", rather than "she took a bunch of pills in an apparent suicide attempt". This has worked with her kids and mine. I gave a less-sanitized version to her parents, who live in the neighboring province. I haven't told anybody else. I haven't turned for support to my friends or family, for the above reasons.

Does anybody have any thoughts? When a spouse or loved one tries to commit suicide, what are you supposed to tell people? Do you tell the truth, or do you whitewash it? Because if I were to tell people the truth, I'd get blamed for that too. It's almost impossible to know what the right thing is to do in this situation.

Edited May 21, 2014 by Madman81

May 21, 2014

I'm looking after my stepkids with the help of a friend of ours. The challenge is going to be coming up with an explanation for people if she remains in the hospital beyond today. She'd be PISSED if I told people the truth. So far I've been going with "she had a bad reaction to medication and the doctors want to keep an eye on her", rather than "she took a bunch of pills in an apparent suicide attempt". This has worked with her kids and mine. I gave a less-sanitized version to her parents, who live in the neighboring province. I haven't told anybody else. I haven't turned for support to my friends or family, for the above reasons.

Does anybody have any thoughts? When a spouse or loved one tries to commit suicide, what are you supposed to tell people? Do you tell the truth, or do you whitewash it?

Tell the truth! Stop covering for her!

She won't get better if you aren't honest about what is real.

May 21, 2014

Tell the truth! Stop covering for her!

She won't get better if you aren't honest about what is real.

I'm inclined to go with this, Mad. Most of us, wrongly in a lot of cases, fear the anger of our spouses. I imagine this is especially true in your case, where maybe you've been walking on eggshells so long that it's become a way of life.

Taking her reactions (which tend to be irrational and over which you have no control over in any event) out of the equation entirely, and figure out what the right thing to do is. I think that you might find telling at least a few select family members is that thing.

Besides, you need the support IRL.

May 21, 2014

Beach and GT, you're probably both right. It's strange to think that I've come to "fear" making her angry (she's 30 and I'm 42 and bigger than her for crissakes....), but that's the long and the short of it. I've dealt enough with upsetting her for various perceived misdemeanors that, probably every other week at least, I have a moment of dread about raising something with her because I don't want it to turn into a fight, argument, sulkiness, or case of stink-eye. The onus is usually on me to fix things, extend the olive branch, say supportive things that make her feel loved, etc.

I'm rambling a bit, but another troubling part in all this is that she's never at a loss, when she's happy, to tell me how wonderful I am in so many ways. Then one of the aforementioned issues arises and I get an earful about it, and the inevitable question in my mind (and sometimes expressed to her) is "if I'm really so horrible to you, why are you with me?" Things escalate, she yells, I yell back, she starts crying and wondering aloud what she possibly could have done to make me yell at her, saying that she just wants me to care or listen to her or take her feelings into account or give her attention or make her feel loved or valued. End of argument, I'm the a**hole for making it all worse.

I should be working right now on this huge project coming up, but my mind is in a million places at once right now.

May 21, 2014

Part of my curse, if we can call it a curse, is that I've spent my life being a "nice guy". Gentle, non-violent, fairly chill. And for some reason I seem to wind up in relationships with women who I'll nicely call "angels with broken wings".

The friend I mentioned earlier who's going through a breakup commented to me recently that he's seen in the last couple of years a bit of my inner a**hole coming out (and expressing approval at this). I think that means that I've stopped being as much of a doormat, started speaking my mind more, started calling people out on their shyt. Not sure how that's going to play out in the present circumstances, but this is me still rambling.

May 21, 2014

Does she drink too much? No alcohol should be consumed with that prescription medicine.

It could be she needs a detox and rehab?

I don't know - but from working directly with many alcoholics she could be showing these symptoms from her drinking with the meds combo.

In any event - tell the dr. He can't know unless your honest.

She may be mad but you could be saving her life!

Your W shouldn't come home until she stops being so self absorbed and selfish. When she realizes how she's been affecting others so negatively and changes her behavior to fix that about herself - that's when she should consider coming home.

Edited May 21, 2014 by 2sunny

May 21, 2014

Part of my curse, if we can call it a curse, is that I've spent my life being a "nice guy". Gentle, non-violent, fairly chill. And for some reason I seem to wind up in relationships with women who I'll nicely call "angels with broken wings".

The friend I mentioned earlier who's going through a breakup commented to me recently that he's seen in the last couple of years a bit of my inner a**hole coming out (and expressing approval at this). I think that means that I've stopped being as much of a doormat, started speaking my mind more, started calling people out on their shyt. Not sure how that's going to play out in the present circumstances, but this is me still rambling.

Ever read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover? I think I could dig up an e version and send it your way. I'm glad you're breaking out of old thought patterns, and the book may help propel you along.

You can handle this. Calm, cool and collected.

May 21, 2014

Well, she's home. She called me from the hospital, told me they'd cleared her to leave, as indeed they had.

Frosty and unpleasant drive home. As soon as we got in the car she said the stuff I indicated above in post #16 that it was my fault, that I'd messed up her business, etc. In her view, I'd "abandoned her", "sent her to the hospital so I wouldn't have to deal with her", stuff like that. She reiterated her view that I'd told the doctor "private information", i.e. text messages between me and her, because the doctor yesterday was going to release her until he talked to me; I responded that the last text message she sent me yesterday while I was on the phone with the doctor said that it would be best for her to die. She denied this and I read it to her. The argument continued for most of the 10-minute drive home.

As we pulled in she said that I didn't care about her; I reminded her that I'd called 911 due to her overdose, spent the night in the hospital with her, calmed her parents down, handled her kids while not freaking them out, talked to the doctors, specifically not gone to anybody for help or support in dealing with a suicidal wife to avoid them thinking badly of her, etc. This last bit shut her up; she said "thank you", and I told her that I didn't need an apology, or thanks, or anything else -- I just needed her to stop treating me like crap and telling me how supposedly awful I am.

Things calmed down in the house. She asked if I still wanted to be with her, and I said yes. I asked if she still wanted to be with me and she said yes, to which I replied that I couldn't imagine why, if half the stuff she's said to me in the last two days is honestly believed. She didn't respond to that.

I have no idea where things will go from here. I still don't want this to be what my life is like. And after she's past this, it's clear we're going to have to get into it, or this relationship isn't going to make it.

Edited May 21, 2014 by Madman81

May 21, 2014

This sounds horrible.

You don't need to bring out some "inner *******" or stop being a nice person. You just need to claim your own life - and be there for your own kids who actually ARE your responsibility. Sometimes when people let themselves get too pushed they go in the other direction and become not very nice people. You need balance between getting your own needs met and being there for others.

I am a nice person too. But the situation as you describe it would not be very tolerable for me. I would hate to live with all of that tension. You don't have to live with that! You don't owe her your life and well-being.

Edited May 21, 2014 by lollipopspot

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