Figuring out if a person is right for me

[dolceamourr]

I've been dating this guy for 3 months and we made it "official." My problem is that I have very little dating experience even though I'm 25 - I've been consumed by school. So now I'm in this relationship, and can't figure out if this guy is right for me or not. I don't want to waste time. Many things are great, but many things confuse me and I don't know how to resolve them.

 

1. He has a great personality. He's talkative, charismatic, outgoing, raw and genuine. He's blunt, direct, and assertive which I like (but it can have drawbacks). He's very intelligent, and I finally feel like I've met someone who can keep up with intellectual conversation. We have so many of the same interests and values. Our chemistry is excellent.

 

2. He's consistent (except 1x) about taking initiative to set dates, come up with things to do, etc.

 

3. He's told me multiple times that he wants this to be a long term thing, that he's not going anywhere and doesn't want to lose me - but he has very little relationship experience, and tons of "casual dating experience" while I had a 4 yr relationship. He was eager to meet my friends and made a great effort when he met them, but his lack of actual relationship experience scares me a little.

 

4. We've talked about sex. I'm a virgin, and have told him that I'm not comfortable going there just yet. I want to eventually, but I need to know this is going to be more than just another one of his "casual dating" scenarios. He hasn't pressured me and said he understands and will wait.

 

5. He tends to be dramatic about things. He's always "overwhelmed and depressed" even though the things he goes through seem pretty normal and common to me, and I deal with most of the same exact things. I'd say about 75% of the time when I ask how his day went, he'll say "Bad. I'm tired and depressed." He tends to be wrapped up in his own world. He described his dad to me as sort of a narcissist, and I couldn't help but think that some of the qualities he was describing about his dad actually applied to him as well. He is also 4 years sober but assures me he has absolutely no desire to ever drink, which I do believe.

 

6. He's emotionally distant/inconsistent and it's not cutting it with making me feel wanted. For example, 2 weeks ago we got dessert and he asked if I wanted to go to his place. I agreed, but when we got there he turned the TV on to some random movie, and proceeded to watch it intently in silence for the next 40 mins. I know I've said no sex, but I thought he'd at least kiss me or something! I left really confused and disappointed. Am I not slightly more interesting than the really dull movie? When I told him about it, he apologized and said he didn't realize he was ignoring me, and it wouldn't happen again.

 

Last week, we got dessert again and at the end of the night (11pm) he said "I was going to ask you to come to my place for a while but I'm really really tired." I said that was fine, but then when I got home he was texting me and telling me he was playing video games until about 1:30am. I just don't feel that "honeymoon phase" thing with him. He's not as eager to spend time together as I am, and I'm not sure what the problem is. Sometimes he's full of kisses and hugs and other times, he's distant.

 

This weekend, for the first time he was really late contacting me to confirm plans for later that night. I knew we were going out that night, but he usually calls around noon and we settle everything in terms of time to meet and what we want to eat but I didn't hear from him until 3:30pm. Eventually he called and gave a really vague excuse saying he'd gotten sidetracked (in reality, he had gotten a tattoo that day and wanted to surprise me but I didn't know at the time). I told him I was upset bc I live 40 mins away and need to know plans early so I can carry on with my day. I thought it was inconsiderate of my time to disregard confirming plans just because he had other things to do, bc so did I. Instead I was unable to get things done bc I didn't know what time I needed to be back home. At first, he said "you know what forget it!" and hung up on me. I was shocked. I called back and he acted like nothing was wrong, and talked about the plans for the night. I told him I didn't care what the plans were, wanted to know why he actually had taken so long to confirm plans, and told him never to hang up on me again.

 

He then apologized, told me about the tattoo situation, told me he'd been really depressed the last few days (as per usual), and that I was valid in being upset, and that it wouldn't happen again. Still, overall I felt like it was a huge overreaction for him to hang up as I wasn't yelling at him or anything.

 

I know I've listed a lot of negatives, but I'm just not sure if I'm overreacting. I also just don't know how to figure out if this is worth continuing. Any insight would be great.

[Just-A-Normal-Guy]

I would say continue. He seems like a good guy but I actually might be biased because he sounds A Lot like me. I'm sure he really likes you and the fact that he's willing to wait until you are ready speaks a lot. I know sometimes when I have been with girls that don't want to go all the way I stay away from a lot of contact sometimes just because I don't want to get blue balls. It sounds dumb as I type it but it has happened plenty of times haha As far as the tantrums and sad/gloomy attitude is just something you need to speak to him about. I'm the same way when I'm in a relationship sometimes and I don't even realize it. Other times I'm like that because I'm frustrated with the relationship. Either way communication is the answer. It can't always be gum drops and rainbows haha hope I helped. I have a problem too entitled "oh man..." on the dating forum would love some advice!

[dolceamourr]

I would say continue. He seems like a good guy but I actually might be biased because he sounds A Lot like me. I'm sure he really likes you and the fact that he's willing to wait until you are ready speaks a lot. I know sometimes when I have been with girls that don't want to go all the way I stay away from a lot of contact sometimes just because I don't want to get blue balls. It sounds dumb as I type it but it has happened plenty of times haha As far as the tantrums and sad/gloomy attitude is just something you need to speak to him about. I'm the same way when I'm in a relationship sometimes and I don't even realize it. Other times I'm like that because I'm frustrated with the relationship. Either way communication is the answer. It can't always be gum drops and rainbows haha hope I helped. I have a problem too entitled "oh man..." on the dating forum would love some advice!

 

Thank you for your response. That actually makes some sense to me. I hadn't thought that he might be avoiding contact or doing anything when he invites me in due to blue balls.

[WeirdChick]

Maybe this will help you. I think this s a really useful article to answer your question.4 Ways to See if He's the One - wikiHow

[dolceamourr]

Any other opinions/advice?

[central]

This is a good article, and has some links to other good articles. Perhaps it will help you decide if he has long-term potential.

 

What should you look for in a marriage partner?

[icedlatte]

I feel like I'm reading about my current situation! I don't know what advice to offer since I'm in the exact situation.

[dolceamourr]

Yea, it's hard because I can't figure out if I should still give it time or if these are all red flags.

[Assasda]

I think OP is needy, needy and immature in the relationship.

I think you want things now now now, and cant wait for the future.

 

And if you chill out and give him some time to plan, and stop nagging him. He'll make plans for both of you.

 

I think the OP is just caught up in all the unicorns and the butterflies and just dont want to wait.

And if you are impatient, needy, and treating him like a child, he just might leave you.

 

I see nothing negative about the guy, I just wish the OP would take wp some hobbies of her own, and let the relationship flow, instead of letting the relationship be her single life focus

[greyskys62]

He sounds a little selfish, but it also sounds like he's not being intentionally selfish, if that makes any sense. My ex-boyfriend was the same way; cared a lot about me, but just didn't understand the emotional maturity and basic consideration that comes with a real relationship. If your boyfriend has only done the casual dating thing, he simply doesn't have the experience you have. If you like him and you're enjoying the relationship overall, then give him time and see if you two can grow together. Don't worry about "wasting time" if he's not the right one; you're still young. I know you don't feel that way because I remember that I felt my clock ticking at 25, but trust me, you still have a few years.

[Valen]

He doesn't sound very mature. You made this thread because deep down, your instinct is trying to tell you something. And yes, this relationship won't last unless he somehow change. He is driven by his mood like a child. He doesn't look after your need as much as he should. He's a selfish person really. The way I see this relationship plays out is he either loses interest in you (esp after sex) or you loses patients with him. If he is acting like this at the beginning of the relationship then it's a big red flag. Most people usually put forth their best front at the beginning of the relationship so that means he'll get worst as time passes.

[rns4lyfe]

My boyfriend is emotionally distant too plus, I don't think he's matured emotionally either. He keeps things inside and since I'm his first real relationship, he's learning as we grow with each other. It's something he is working on though. Your guy seems great! Give him some time and see where things go. He could be going through some things and things that I over think and freak out about, my S.O. is the same way just doesn't show it. Everyone handles things differently.

[dolceamourr]

I think OP is needy, needy and immature in the relationship.

I think you want things now now now, and cant wait for the future.

 

And if you chill out and give him some time to plan, and stop nagging him. He'll make plans for both of you.

 

I think the OP is just caught up in all the unicorns and the butterflies and just dont want to wait.

And if you are impatient, needy, and treating him like a child, he just might leave you.

 

I see nothing negative about the guy, I just wish the OP would take wp some hobbies of her own, and let the relationship flow, instead of letting the relationship be her single life focus

 

Ok, I'm willing to hear that...but can you tell me exactly where I was needy, or nagging, or asking for anything "now" besides the one time he left me waiting until about 4pm to know when/where I was supposed to meet him (I live a little over 40 minutes away and need at least an hour to get ready before that). It's not a little inconsiderate to leave someone waiting all day without solidifying plans with them, and then the excuse is "sorry I got sidetracked"?

 

I don't nag him to make plans ever, and most certainly do not treat him like a child. He's always the one initiating, I just do have issues with some of his behaviors.

[dolceamourr]

He sounds a little selfish, but it also sounds like he's not being intentionally selfish, if that makes any sense. My ex-boyfriend was the same way; cared a lot about me, but just didn't understand the emotional maturity and basic consideration that comes with a real relationship. If your boyfriend has only done the casual dating thing, he simply doesn't have the experience you have. If you like him and you're enjoying the relationship overall, then give him time and see if you two can grow together. Don't worry about "wasting time" if he's not the right one; you're still young. I know you don't feel that way because I remember that I felt my clock ticking at 25, but trust me, you still have a few years.

 

That actually makes a lot of sense to me. I don't see him as a bad person or as intentionally selfish, but I do think he, unintentionally, can act moody and selfish. I do think it's worth giving it some time and just wanted to hear an outsider perspective. Thank you.

[icedlatte]

People can be a good person individually but that doesn't mean that that person is the right fit for you.

 

I don't think the OP is needy or at fault. Unlike the previous response, I don't think the OP wants things now or is needy because she mentioned that she didn't really date because she focused primarily on school. Typically women like that are highly driven and ambitious that they don't "need" a guy. When they do realize that they want to be in a relationship, they want to be efficient so I think that's partly why the OP is asking these questions.

 

OP - I think you would be better off finding someone who is a bit older who understands what it means to be in a mature relationship. In my current situation, his behavior stresses me out and you just have to evaluate if he's worth waiting for.

[dolceamourr]

He doesn't sound very mature. You made this thread because deep down, your instinct is trying to tell you something. And yes, this relationship won't last unless he somehow change. He is driven by his mood like a child. He doesn't look after your need as much as he should. He's a selfish person really. The way I see this relationship plays out is he either loses interest in you (esp after sex) or you loses patients with him. If he is acting like this at the beginning of the relationship then it's a big red flag. Most people usually put forth their best front at the beginning of the relationship so that means he'll get worst as time passes.

 

Exactly, yet another reason I've been concerned. I'm not expecting "unicorns and butterflies" as the other poster said, but normally - I feel like people are on their best behavior in the beginning. However, this is the beginning and he's pretty moody and emotionally distant.

[Assasda]

Ok, I'm willing to hear that...but can you tell me exactly where I was needy, or nagging, or asking for anything "now" besides the one time he left me waiting until about 4pm to know when/where I was supposed to meet him (I live a little over 40 minutes away and need at least an hour to get ready before that). It's not a little inconsiderate to leave someone waiting all day without solidifying plans with them, and then the excuse is "sorry I got sidetracked"?

 

I don't nag him to make plans ever, and most certainly do not treat him like a child. He's always the one initiating, I just do have issues with some of his behaviors.

 

You were needy, when he took you home after dessert, both times.

You're needy for wanting to feel the "Honeymoon phase"

And youre needy for waiting all day for him do do something and not doing something for yourself, when he got sidetracked.

 

You can keep searching for people to prop up whatever belief you have. but these are true.

The only thing he's guilty of is apologizing when he shouldnt have apologized.

 

--And you'll never leave the guy, as you said in your Orginal Post, because he's done nothing remotely wrong, I know it, and you know it. So why ask for advice on it?

[Valen]

You were needy, when he took you home after dessert, both times.

You're needy for wanting to feel the "Honeymoon phase"

And youre needy for waiting all day for him do do something and not doing something for yourself, when he got sidetracked.

 

You can keep searching for people to prop up whatever belief you have. but these are true.

The only thing he's guilty of is apologizing when he shouldnt have apologized.

 

--And you'll never leave the guy, as you said in your Orginal Post, because he's done nothing remotely wrong, I know it, and you know it. So why ask for advice on it?

 

That's not needy. That's normal relationship dating. I think you reading this situation wrong.

[dolceamourr]

You were needy, when he took you home after dessert, both times.

You're needy for wanting to feel the "Honeymoon phase"

And youre needy for waiting all day for him do do something and not doing something for yourself, when he got sidetracked.

 

You can keep searching for people to prop up whatever belief you have. but these are true.

The only thing he's guilty of is apologizing when he shouldnt have apologized.

 

--And you'll never leave the guy, as you said in your Orginal Post, because he's done nothing remotely wrong, I know it, and you know it. So why ask for advice on it?

 

I think you have some kind of misplaced anger that you're hurling in my general direction. I don't even think you're understanding or processing what I'm typing. You're more just angrily typing away without really knowing the situation.

 

I never said I waited around all day for him to call me, you decided that I did. I was running my errands and doing what I needed to do for the day, but I KNEW we were going out that night and because I didn't know what time, I was not able to plan my time accordingly and didn't get to finish everything. I was getting frustrated because I had no idea when to get back home so I could get ready to meet him, again, given how much of a drive it is. This is WHY we plan it out much earlier in the day, because I'm NOT sitting around doing nothing. Do you really think it's needy to want to know what time you're meeting for a date...on the ACTUAL DAY of the date, at least 2-3 hours BEFORE you're supposed to meet? I don't think so at all. Anything less is inconsiderate and shows a lack of interest.

 

I also don't think it's "needy" to think it's weird to sit in silence and watch tv for 40 minutes when we've only been together for 3 months, and he invited me to his place. I think most people would think that was odd. Nor is it needy to discuss something that is a normal part of most relationships - the "honeymoon phase" and the fact that I don't think it's happening. It's an observation, like many of my other observations regarding the relationship. It's something that naturally happens in relationships, it's not something involving "unicorns and butterflies" that I invented in my head.

 

If he didn't think he should have apologized, then he wouldn't have. He's no pushover. Thank you for your opinion and advice, but you seem to really be in "attack mode" for no real reason.

Edited May 21, 2014 by dolceamourr

[dolceamourr]

Anyways, I'm just looking for advice if anyone has it. I don't know why so many LS posters have this hostile approach. I'm willing to hear what people have to say because if I had the answers, I wouldn't be posting here. But I just think so many people on this site approach responses to threads with a really confrontational attitude and I'm not sure why. It's in all of the threads I've browsed too. It's unfortunate because on the other hand, there are so many helpful posters with some great advice.

 

Thank you to everyone who provided their insight, I appreciate it and will consider it all.

[DArtagnan2]

I think you have some kind of misplaced anger that you're hurling in my general direction. I don't even think you're understanding or processing what I'm typing. You're more just angrily typing away without really knowing the situation.

 

I never said I waited around all day for him to call me, you decided that I did. I was running my errands and doing what I needed to do for the day, but I KNEW we were going out that night and because I didn't know what time, I was not able to plan my time accordingly and didn't get to finish everything. I was getting frustrated because I had no idea when to get back home so I could get ready to meet him, again, given how much of a drive it is. This is WHY we plan it out much earlier in the day, because I'm NOT sitting around doing nothing. Do you really think it's needy to want to know what time you're meeting for a date...on the ACTUAL DAY of the date, at least 2-3 hours BEFORE you're supposed to meet? I don't think so at all. Anything less is inconsiderate and shows a lack of interest.

 

I also don't think it's "needy" to think it's weird to sit in silence and watch tv for 40 minutes when we've only been together for 3 months, and he invited me to his place. I think most people would think that was odd. Nor is it needy to discuss something that is a normal part of most relationships - the "honeymoon phase" and the fact that I don't think it's happening. It's an observation, like many of my other observations regarding the relationship. It's something that naturally happens in relationships, it's not something involving "unicorns and butterflies" that I invented in my head.

 

If he didn't think he should have apologized, then he wouldn't have. He's no pushover. Thank you for your opinion and advice, but you seem to really be in "attack mode" for no real reason.

 

After reading all this, I can only think or write, this is who he is. This is the way he is in a relationship. He is more lax in things that you are. You are looking for something else from someone. What he is offering is not the kind of relationship that you want to have.

[dolceamourr]

After reading all this, I can only think or write, this is who he is. This is the way he is in a relationship. He is more lax in things that you are. You are looking for something else from someone. What he is offering is not the kind of relationship that you want to have.

 

Thanks for the response. You may be right. I have some thinking to do after reading all the responses.

[newmoon]

personality traits are constant. habits change, personality doesn't. so if there are some things about his personality that are bugging you now (ie his depressive attitude) they will continue to bug you later on. personally, if you are seeing some red flags now it's time to perhaps move on, because red flags don't go away and when the relationship (eventually) ends you'll kick yourself for not listening to your inner voice sooner. if you have doubts, it's probably not the right guy.

[MarcelSuave]

Hey DolceAmourr,

 

I find your story interesting because it seems to me you seem to be of the "Quality Time" Love language. You feel the need to spend quality time with another person in order to feel loved and appreciated, and if they don't happen to spend that time with you, then you feel somewhat neglected and misused. It's understandable, but perhaps your love language isn't congruent with his.

 

You mentioned you were relatively "new" to the whole dating experience, so let me ask:

What does a relationship mean to you?

 

What does it take for you to FEEL loved, and how do you SHOW love?

 

And also seeing as how you're an ambitious person who's still in school:

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

 

AND

 

What are your core values and beliefs on life?

 

I ask these important questions because in order to have a long lasting relationship, both parties must be able to figure out the answers to those questions, and have to be congruent with each other's beliefs. If there is an in-congruence with either party, obviously the relationship isn't going to work out regardless of how "nice" "sweet" "affectionate" they are.

 

I hope I'm making sense to you so far.

[William]

Anyways, I'm just looking for advice if anyone has it. I don't know why so many LS posters have this hostile approach. I'm willing to hear what people have to say because if I had the answers, I wouldn't be posting here. But I just think so many people on this site approach responses to threads with a really confrontational attitude and I'm not sure why. It's in all of the threads I've browsed too. It's unfortunate because on the other hand, there are so many helpful posters with some great advice.

 

Thank you to everyone who provided their insight, I appreciate it and will consider it all.

Since you're apparently new here, LoveShack is a moderated forum and depends on member reports to alert moderation to suspected violations of our guidelines, of which civility and respect is one. Simply use the 'alert us' button which exists at the bottom right of every posting and briefly describe the issue. Moderation will respond.

 

Some editing was done but most postings have been retained in original forum. I see the topic is 'figuring out if a person is right for me'. That's what we're discussing today here. Sounds like a productive topic. Thanks!