trying to get ex back

[emily15]

ive known my ex since the my sophomore of highschool and his freshman year. we have always liked eachother but did not start dating till about a year after we met. that summer, i kissed someone at a concert and lied about it. i had no intentions of ever doing it again. after that, i was living at my vacation house for the summer which is two hours from him. he was very insecure and fought with me a lot and at the time, i was very defensive and blamed everything on him.

 

i cheated on him two more times in july which were back to back nights. in my head i thought i could just do what i want and then id be okay and he didnt have to know. i felt awful about it and did nothing with anyone the rest of the summer. in the beginning of my senior year, everything was absolutely perfect. then, my grandfather died and he just blamed all my unhappiness on himself and i didnt have the energy to make him feel better. our rekationship held up, but when down hill. i graduated and had every intention of staying faithful.

 

i went to the beach for a week with my class and didnt cheat on him, but he was picking fights with me almost every night. he was leaving for camp for a month when i got back and i told him how unhappy i was. i tried breaking up with him but i was not direct enough about it and tried taking breaks and things like that. i ended up hooking up with this one prson all while he was gone but ended it once he got back. when he was back, i broke up with him because i knew i couldnt be with him. i ended up missing him and tried to bury it all. at this point i think i was starting to wonder what else was out there especially because i went to college. we stayed in an open relationship but we had limitations on it.

 

i broke those rules at school because i was trying to move on and take the easy way out, hoping he would drift apart from me so i never had ot tell him. i knew i couldnt be with him unless i told him the truth, but i couldnt ever tell him.i tried just drifting from him but he still fought for me and wouldnt let me go. after winter break, i told him we could no longer talk anymore. i eventually got the guts to tell him everything and i did. he never talked to me after finding out the info. i started trying to move on and dated the guy i broke my promises with him with.

 

i contacted my ex asking to talk for closure and he agreed. then he went back and told me never to talk to him again but then agreed to meet with me. my current bf was not okay with it so i didnt. but then i realized i had to. i told my new bf i still loved my ex and i couldnt be with him. i am not meeting my ex next week and am so nervous. i know ive changed i just hope he can see it. i understand now that you dont cheat when youre unhappy and you owe it to them to tell them youre unhappy and work through it together and you never lie to protect someone you love feelings like that. i decided to not live at my vacation house this summer in case hes willing to hang out with me and i bought no ocncert tickets because he hates when i go to them.

 

im going to tell him he can look through my phone, ill delete people from my contacts and on facebook, like literally whatever he needs to trust me again, ill do it with no resentment and b completely patient with him. i know he still loves me, but im scared he wont take me back. i know im not sorry cause i got caught or bc im lonely bc i told him myself and i had a bf. i truly want to make him happy and treat him better than i ever did before. i know its gonna be so hard but im willing to do it because i know i love him. it sucks but it took messing up to realize it but i finally did. as much as i want him, i also want him to be happy so i dont know where i need to draw the line between trying to get him back and leaving him alone.

 

am i doing everything right? im so scared and i dont kno w what im gonna do. before i feel like i was scared he wasnt the one and now im terrified because i know he is.

 

i dont know how to go about all of this. im scared ill forget to say something. idk if i should write it down and give it to him after we talk?

Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lovesick1]

Sounds like you still have a lot of growing up to do.

 

 

As hard as it is, let him go, you've done enough damage here. I've been in your exact situation more or less and I fought to get her back, which I did, only to have her leave me for another guy whom she is now engaged to. I broke her trust one too many times and got caught in infidelity twice, she came back because she was weak and without someone else- probably like your ex, but she left when she found something better. Same boat as you, drop it now and save yourselves the heartache.

 

Edit: But let's be real, we both know you aren't going to do that... You are simply here looking for validation for your actions, which I am sorry to say you won't find from nearly anyone because they are incredibly selfish.

 

I think a lot of what you're feeling "I'll do whatever it takes, he can look through my phone, etc" is a result of still being too inwardly focused. You are so obsessed with the idea of losing him and having to deal with the idea of seeing him with someone else and not you that you think you will change the world between you ten times over for him to be with you. Chances are near 100% your actions of the past will repeat themselves or just catch up with you in which he can never trust you completely again.

 

If you are still going to see him, make a point of being completely selfless. By that I mean don't say- "I'll do whatever it takes to get you back, no matter how long it takes (drama drama drama)". Instead try this approach- "I treated you like garbage, I don't deserve to be with you. I broke your trust and but I'd like the chance to earn it back, but only with your consent."

 

And if you he does take the bait, save yourself the shred of dignity you have left by never breaking his trust again.

 

Sorry if that was harsh but you need a reality check on the kind of person you've been

Edited May 20, 2014 by lovesick1

[Zahara]

The reason all the cheating happened is because you were unhappy with your ex -- the dynamic never really worked with your ex. You seem to jump from guy to guy when you're unhappy so I have to wonder if your intent and motive to go back to your ex is coming from a healthy place or just another toxic pattern.

 

It's one thing that you have supposedly "changed" but in order for it to work, his issues that caused rift and unhappiness within you and the relationship -- has he addressed his part of it? Worked on his insecurities/self-esteem? Otherwise it's going to be a repeat and whether you stay the course (no cheating) or not is another story.

Edited May 20, 2014 by Zahara

[emily15]

Yeah he has also worked on him self. He went to a therapist (before he found out about my cheatinf) and was diasgnosed with depression

[emily15]

And I also don't think I left my newer ex for the wrong reasons bc we got along perfectly I just missed my ex to the point where I couldn't take it and I was honest with the other guy bc I didn't want to do the same thing to him but we tried to work through it and then I was by myself for awhile to really think about everything and this is the conclusion I came to I just don't know where to draw the line between showing him I want him back and just letting him be (I'm a very stubborn person so I need to really watch out for that bc ultimately I do want him to be happy)

[No Limit]

only to have her leave me for another guy

 

I dare to say that should OP get back together with her ex, it'll have a very similar ending.