What are we?

[pixie99]

In November 2012 I met who I thought was the most amazing guy ever. He was confident, smooth talking and nice, so I fell almost instantaneously. From the beginning, things were weird. I don’t know if it’s because I was used to a long term relationship and the constant contact that came with it or what, but this guy just didn’t communicate with me as I thought someone who was interested in me should. He would go for long periods without talking to me and even if he did, it was just superficial and didn’t last for very long.

 

I always felt as though he had a wall up - turns out I was right. However, we did hang out in person semi frequently and I grew to like him. He was like no one I’d met before. I was left very confused at times though, and very very early into the relationship (before we even were official) I asked him what his intentions were. I found out that he had never had a serious relationship before (he had about 10 physical relationships with girls he was interested in) and that he thought we spoke a lot and that something could develop out of it. In December, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, although I thought he did have a lot to work to do as I was his first girlfriend.

 

He was never the type to express himself and be open with his emotions, or affection but more so in public (in private he was very affectionate). I could tell from meeting his parents that his relationship with them was a bit strained although I didn’t know why initially. Now I do but I’ll get into that in a bit. You can see from just a few months into the relationship that the foundation was a bit unsteady. There were happy times though, but our relationship was sort of filled with problems from the start. I am naturally a person who gets jealous easily and this stems from my insecurity - but I would have never considered myself insecure to the point where it was toxic in a relationship.

 

I don’t know if it was because his past was so much unlike mine (i’ve been in 2 long term committed relationships) or because he was so non expressive that it drew it out of me, but I became very very insecure in the relationship. I had lots of jealousy toward girls who I found out he had been with and became the snooping girlfriend who would go through his phone and Facebook to put together pieces of his past. I demanded he tell me details about the girls he’d been with and I even tried to arrange when and how their relationships took place. He made it clear to me over and over that they meant nothing to him and there was no emotion and feelings involved.

 

He told me I was the only person he could ever see himself being with or marrying and that none of them mattered. I wanted to believe him then but it took me a long time to do that. My insecurity created a terrible image of me for him. He hated the jealousy and insecurity and I do take the blame for causing those problems in the relationship. It caused him to look at me as insecure and I could tell he was just frustrated with me. But he stayed.

 

In the relationship, I also tended to feel a struggle with who texted first and initiated contact whereas in previous relationships this did not exist. I felt sometimes that I should not text him first/call him first because I was getting into his personal space. I know that this was bad because texting/calling shouldn’t be a struggle, it should be fairly natural. Later on into the relationship I found out that he felt a bit stifled, he thought that going out should be reserved for the weekends and that we ‘spoke too much’ at times.

I found out that he had a rocky relationship with his parents during his teenage years and this caused him to become very closed off and emotionally distant with the inability to express himself.

 

He said at times he feels happy but he can’t show it… he tries to suppress it actually. He thought the only solution was to move out of his house. He became wrapped up with the thought of doing this and saved toward his future, making sacrifices such as not wanting to go out or taking me out in order to save. When he would get into arguments with his parents or when he would feel he was going nowhere in life, he would literally shut down. I mean, he would have to spend hours to himself and he would not consider my feelings at all. I would try to cheer him up but it would be to no avail. This happened several times and in those moments, I too would get upset, which would further him retracting and hiding away. It was emotionally draining.

 

A few months ago, probably toward the end of February, he drowned himself in work and I was very dissatisfied in the relationship. I would try to communicate with him but it seemed that any time I ever brought up anything he would just not want to hear it. He would have nothing to say to me and would spend a lot of time going out without me. He ended up even showing interest in a girl who he claimed at the time was everything I was not at the time ( confident happy interesting) and he never did anything with her, except for exchange a few messages on Facebook, but it did hurt.

 

He began hanging out with his friends a lot more. I later found out he was just doing everything with himself because time to himself was like gold as every time he was with me, it was something negative.

He eventually ended it with me due to these reasons and more, claiming that he loved me very much and would always be here for me but that the relationship was not working. He made contact with me and somehow, after talking, we gave it a try again, and although it would be better in pieces, I could not seem to let go of the past and I couldn’t get myself to move on from it. I felt as though he didn’t want the relationship.

 

I would be with him and know in my heart I wanted to be with him but I over analysed and over thought everything he did. I became critical of his every move and every word. It was really unhealthy. He again decided to opt out of the relationship. This time his reason was that he needed to work on his own issues before he could share his life with someone else. The day we broke up was so emotional. He cried and I cried and we embraced each other the entire time. It was so heartbreaking. He said that his relationship with his parents made him very closed off and unable to express himself. He said he needed to work on himself and work on becoming a better person. After 8 days, we didn’t talk. Nothing.

 

I initiated contact. He still didn’t come back although I tried everything to try to get him back - tried to seem confident and tried to be very manipulative, reminding him of all the good things. He returned my call to say that he had made his decision and he cannot jump back into a relationship now - he enjoys being single and he missed it. He is not ready to go and do everything and everywhere with someone and there are things that he wishes to do without a relationship as a relationship was very time consuming. He however, sent me a letter saying how much he was missing me but didn’t want to contact me to remind me of all the hurt.

 

He wrote that it would kill him to see me with someone else and that he knows I will find someone who will treat me better, like their queen. He wrote that I am the most amazing person that he has ever met in his life and he misses me more than anything. The letter also said that even if he we never get back together, he still wants to be in my life in all ways and that he loved me from the bottom of his heart.

He told me that he knows he is making the wrong decision and will probably regret it and that one day he hopes we can try again or if he did find someone to be in a relationship with, that she would be just like me.He told me that he did not miss the ups and downs, accusations, blaming, guilt trips and arguments and crying that came with our relationship.

 

I felt so confused. I feel as though he is basing his decision on only the bad things. He told me the only thing he is willing to do is ‘reset’ the relationship and be friends and see how the relationship progresses. By this, he means going back to how it is when your first meet someone - speak to them every few days, maybe see them once or twice but be just friends. I couldn’t agree to this just yet, it’s too painful. Since then, he has messaged me twice, the first time he spoke to me as a friend and the second time I didn’t reply.

 

I figured I might try no contact for a while to see if he misses me. A few days later, I got a call from a mutual friend who said that he asked her to call me because he hadn’t heard from me for a while and although he knew he shouldn’t be worried, he was. A few days ago, I saw him at a public event. I knew he saw me but he didn't say hi, neither did I. At one point during the night we made eye contact I waved at him and he smiled shyly back. A day later, I got a call from him. He called me to tell me he didn't like waht happened at teh event and that he didn't like acting like strangers.

 

I just replied with an 'okay'. He then said he had to go but I realised he was crying. I asked him why.. he responded 'I shouldn't have called, maybe if I saw you and we acknowledged each other I might not have'. I said well you're here now... Long and short of the conversation was that he told me that he does miss me still and think about me and love me but he didn't want that to make him make decision that might not be the for the best and that would end up in me getting hurt again. He told me that he does have a goal of reaching a relationship with me andthat he's been working on all of his emotional issues and all of that and he's been a lot happier. He said that he doesn't want to be the one to say 'let's try again' because he feels like it is not his call and not his responsibility.

 

He did say that he wouuld like to take things slowly and see where it went, without any expectations. At the end of it, I made the decision to say that maybe some time apart might be better for the two of us as talking to him as a friend was hurtful for me because I did want something more. I did tell him that I loved him and he ended by saying ..I I love you too.. and you can call me anytime for anything. I mean that. xo

 

Can anyone help me to analyze his intentions here? I'm so so confused and need someone with some sort of experience to help me bring some clarity to the situation.

 

I really appreciate the help.

Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[flitzanu]

i'd say stick with his words. he's being very clear about what he's doing and what he wants, mainly that he can't be in a relationship with you. if he wanted to be with you, he would. everything else is just an excuse. find someone that actually shows real interest in being around you.