Confusius Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 (edited) Hi btw. It's been 10 months since she dumped me. Reasons why are really quite simple. We were together for 7 years, and had a child the last 2. Before the child we had lots of friends, did alot of thing together and had general fun, once she got pregnant alot of those "friends" dissapeared. Having a child was a blessing, but we started drifting apart. And it's mostly my fault and i admit it. I started gaming alot, went out on weekends while she sat at home(with her consent of course) Basically i took for granted what a good life we had and was basically bored alot of the times. Lied about some of my drinking. We sat during the nights doing seperate thing, she watching series, and me in another room gaming. Sex was also not the greatest. She took initiatives to do stuff, but i just shrugged her off. Now let it be said that i wasnt an *******, i did alot of romantic stuff for her, always took care of her, made her breakfast in bed, took the child most monings so she could sleep, made her dinner, massages etc, even provided food and rent money because she only worked 30% part time. Guess you could say i neglected her alot, but that was because i thought they were temporary problems all small child parents have. She talked to me about it alot, but i didnt pay much attention. Well long story short, one day i went out and didnt come home before morning. I never cheated on her, but would get drunk and get home hammered. At one point i lost a loved one and went on a bender and that made her leave. She just picked her stuff up and left. I was always a good father and never neglected my child in any way. Since this is about coping i have to say i'm not doing it very well, i was so down that i contemplated dark and ugly stuff but never went there, i told her this and she says i'm trying to manipulate her, I was just being honest. I'v dated other women, exercised, changed diet, stopped drinking completly, read all the books and of course i'v had alot of time to think on what i did wrong. After 10 months i still hate being alone, coming home from work to an empty house where at one time my daughter and her would be waiting to welcome me, sleeping alone, seeing my daughter only at weekends and sometimes during the week. And having a daughter makes no contact impossible, she was/is the love of my life and i have told her alot of times thru these 10 months, also told her that i see all the short comings i had and have worked on them for all this time, i just want to show her, she just won't have it, she is done. I miss her so much and the home we had. We live in the same city and so much reminds me of her. I'v tried it all and still can't get passed it, of course there where bad times, but also alot of beautiful memories. And when we briefly talk about us she seems to only focus on the bad ones. But there is always this nagging feeling of " if she just could see the changes and how much i love and appreciate her, and what could have been, we talked about a second child".A well, thanks for listening, don't know what the next step should be, guess just give it more time. Alot of moping here, but i'm happier then in a long time, still just getting by. Both 28 years old btw. I ****ed up bad, and will regret it for a long time. Edited May 19, 2014 by Confusius
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Im at the 10 month mark too and I feel just the same as you, thought I was getting over it all but now its back in my head x
Author Confusius Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Indeed, i can go weeks doing fine, then suddely it all comes back. Keep on keeping on i guess.
FredJones80 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Guess its a case of you don't know what you've got until its gone... 1
yorkie Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Im 9 months at the end of this month and i know how u all feel! Are tour ex's with new people to? Thats even harder as well.
Author Confusius Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Guess its a case of you don't know what you've got until its gone... Wiser words have not been spoken, i kick my self for it all the time. Yorkie : She was dating this one guy and felt the need to tell me, i said ok, wish you happiness, but then after a month she also called me to tell me she could not fall in love with this dude so she broke it off, i'm like, why tell me this, it's not something i need to hear when i'm longing for your love.
FredJones80 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Wiser words have not been spoken, i kick my self for it all the time. Yorkie : She was dating this one guy and felt the need to tell me, i said ok, wish you happiness, but then after a month she also called me to tell me she could not fall in love with this dude so she broke it off, i'm like, why tell me this, it's not something i need to hear when i'm longing for your love. I guess you can only give her time and show her you've really changed when you make contact for the kids.
yorkie Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 well i am sorry for your loss at this moment in time, i am no expert at relationships but if that was me she sounded like she was reaching out. or some people might call it breadcrumbs etc i don't really know. all you can do is if she is single maybe reach out to her and give her one more chance if not 10 months is a long time to keep hanging! every situation is different and i feel for you if my ex said that id be wanting to meet her and see if there was a chance but mine is happy in her new relationship, i am als seeing someone else and i am happy with her its just the last hurdle for me i feel is to let go of the past. i was with my ex for just short of 13 years and i know its hard and gut renching and sad etc. i honestly feel for you! but please do learn by your mistakes, i also at one stage remember gaming and not paying my ex attention and moaned about days out etc. hey once its gone its gone. i was talking to a neighbor the other day and he left his mrs to go with another woman. he retunred around 10/11 months and we talked about my situation. he agreed it has never been the same and i feel he only got back with his ex cos of the kid, whether it works out i don't know. i will keep you informed if you like but its true what people say. its never the same and she left you! yes you contributed to that but she left you, did you offer counseling etc? end of the day if she wants you back she needs to be able to say that. i dont wanna give you hope and encourage you to break NC cos it could set you back! hopefully someone with more experience can help you decide that but i honestly wish you the best of luck with it all and chin up mate!
Author Confusius Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 At this point i'm not expecting anything. I love my child and would do anything for her, she is still single yes. I also was getting serious with this girl i met and the moment she told me i love you i froze and had to get out, because the feelings where not mutual and i didn't want to hurt her. Thanks for your words anyhow, wish she was less stubborn. Anyways, good to vent.
SerCay Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 See what I don't get is this, you want your ex back and you've made a lot of improvements in yourself to show her you're a better person. Why would you go out and date other people? seriously, that's so contradicting. The fact that you date other people and even ''got serious'' with another girl, all while you still want your ex back, proves to me that you don't want your ex back, you just can't stand being alone. I'm sorry but I don't see you fighting for it. You're ust going with the flow. If I were your ex I wouldn't take you back either. Do you honestly find it weird that she's done after seeing how you are behaving right now? I guess, if you would've genuinely stayed single and focused on showing her your improvements and how much your family means to you WITHOUT getting serious meanwhile with another girl, she would've considered giving you a chance. And if she wouldn't have, then you could've said that you did ALL you could. And THEN start dating ohers. But now...no I'm sorry Ps. I'm sorry for being blunt to you OP, nothing personal, I just can't stand t when people want their ex back but already start dating meanwhile. I find that so untruthful. 1
Author Confusius Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 I get what you are saying, and i agree. But there is a big BUT, she started dating this one guy 3 months after our break up, and me still changing and writing her letter and confessing etc, I dated this girl 8 months after the break up, because i was told there was no way back. Following dumb advise on how to get on i hooked up with this chick, but my heart was not there for it, so we dated, dined, movies, and when she started to show affection i broke it off. Call it a rebound and I stopped it before i could hurt the girl. But i feel you, love is not rational, and neither are the actions one performs in the name of it.
Author Confusius Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 (edited) I get what you are saying, and i agree. But there is a big BUT, she started dating this one guy 3 months after our break up, and me still changing and writing her letters and confessing etc, I dated this girl 8 months after the break up, because i was told there was no way back. Following dumb advise on how to get on i hooked up with this chick, but my heart was not there for it, so we dated, dined, movies, and when she started to show affection i broke it off. Call it a rebound and I stopped it before i could hurt the girl. But i feel you, love is not rational, and neither are the actions one perform in the name of it. Up until that point i didn't even thought of other chicks, being rejected so many times and unable to move on after trying it all it seemed like a good idea. Lasted 3 weeks, and it stopped because I still care for the ex, there is a duality, i know she was serious with this one guy and has dated several others. I just met this one chick and told the ex that i didn't care for her, because the ex was still in my heart. Nothing personal taken. double post sorry. Edited May 19, 2014 by Confusius
PhillyConnection23 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Don't tell her how you have changed. Show her. In some ways you are blessed in the fact that you have a reason to interact with her on a regular basis. If you really want her back you will recognize what her issues were in the relationship and show her how you have changed or corrected the issues. Its not going to be easy but if it really want you want, I'm confident you will find the strength.
Author Confusius Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Thank you Phil. I was editing before your post, but this is also relevant. Edit : If you read my first post i'v done it all to cope and get over with it, it's not that i roll with it nor scared of being alone. It was a last way out after being told that she didn't want to hear any talk about us and if we were to talk it would only be about our daughter, letters thrown right in the bin without even reading them, flowers also right in the garbage. I could not go a lifetime waiting for her to see something she does not want to see, i was out of options. Might been a bad move, but rejection all the time demanded reaction from my part because the sadness was hard.
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