Jezabel_80 Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Ok had to post here as im really confused about this... To cut long story short...met guy in september we dated for few weeks and really like each other but i was out of 8 yr relationship & was very clingy so he got a bit freaked out... told him i wasnt ready to date and needed to spent time on my own and we decided to be friends. He left the scene and i deleted his number three times but he kept getting in touch with me saying we should meet up. We met up few months ago and there was flirting on his part.. Anyways, over the last few weeks we have been getting very close, him opening a lot more to me and that and there has been some innuendo. I never said I had feelings for him because I suppose in a way, i was scared that he might not be feeling the same... Anyways, recently we met up and had a great night getting real close, in the bar there was guys talking to me and eyeing me up and he got a bit possessive! Which i picked up as him being interested! There was also lots of flirting... then he went away for the weekend. All the time, he kept in touch and then when he got back he had bought me a picture (he never bought me anything before)...then during the week sent me a photo of him holding the picture in the square of the place he was! Thought it was strange... Anyways, after all this, i presumed that he might have feelings for me but i texted him yesterday to see if he was around but he said he was going on date...I was gobsmacked. I just wished him luck....but was heartbroken to be honest! Cant believe im being friendzoned!! Whats going on?? Have i read into this wrong? Would a guy really get that close to someone and not feel anything at all... Is he making me jealous or really just not interested??
oldshirt Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 you snooze, you lose. You fiddle-farted around and decided to ask out someone else. You friendzoned him and never really took him out of the friendzone so he was definitely in his right to ask out someone else. I would have been dating other people the moment you said, "let's just be friends." But it's not all that bad and there's no doom and gloom here. You two have just been kind of dancing around each other and feeling each other out and no one has made any kind of bold moves or made any definitive gestures here. This gal probably just kind of caught his eye and they're going out for ice cream or something. There's no reason to think their relationship is any more developed than your's. If you want to get out of the friendzone you have to take him out of the friendzone. That means there has to be some sincere romantic/sexual component to your relationship otherwise it is all still just friendzone stuff. So to put it into nuts and bolts - getting out of the friendzone involves tongue :-D 1
joystickd Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Ok had to post here as im really confused about this... To cut long story short...met guy in september we dated for few weeks and really like each other but i was out of 8 yr relationship & was very clingy so he got a bit freaked out... told him i wasnt ready to date and needed to spent time on my own and we decided to be friends. He left the scene and i deleted his number three times but he kept getting in touch with me saying we should meet up. We met up few months ago and there was flirting on his part.. Anyways, over the last few weeks we have been getting very close, him opening a lot more to me and that and there has been some innuendo. I never said I had feelings for him because I suppose in a way, i was scared that he might not be feeling the same... Anyways, recently we met up and had a great night getting real close, in the bar there was guys talking to me and eyeing me up and he got a bit possessive! Which i picked up as him being interested! There was also lots of flirting... then he went away for the weekend. All the time, he kept in touch and then when he got back he had bought me a picture (he never bought me anything before)...then during the week sent me a photo of him holding the picture in the square of the place he was! Thought it was strange... Anyways, after all this, i presumed that he might have feelings for me but i texted him yesterday to see if he was around but he said he was going on date...I was gobsmacked. I just wished him luck....but was heartbroken to be honest! Cant believe im being friendzoned!! Whats going on?? Have i read into this wrong? Would a guy really get that close to someone and not feel anything at all... Is he making me jealous or really just not interested?? LOL!!! You waited too long. That is the problem with you women sometimes. Once you feel like a man likes you then you just drag it out. At least you didn't get put in the f**kzone
jay1983 Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 (edited) You kept pushing him away and now he found someone else. Sometimes you have to throw your emotions in the garbage disposal, shred em and use a little logic. Edited May 18, 2014 by jay1983
Author Jezabel_80 Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 Thanks for the advice guys So you reckon i should just go for it?? I dont want to make an ass of myself if he just wants to be friends.. im guessing his behaviour though is showing me otherwise...
salparadise Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 So you reckon i should just go for it?? I dont want to make an ass of myself if he just wants to be friends.. im guessing his behaviour though is showing me otherwise... Yes, of course you should go for it. Otherwise you'll be a friend that he confides in about his dating and sex life. At the first of the post you said that you friendzoned him, then at the end you said you couldn't believe I'm being friendzoned. What were you thinking... that it was a one-way deal and he'd just remain silently in love with you, engage in exclusive flirting/innuendo indefinitely... then he'd go home after your "dates" and take care of himself? Good thing you were finally gobsmacked I guess.
Author Jezabel_80 Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 I didnt friendzone him in the beginning. We only dated for a month or so but he freaked out coz i got really clingy and i he said to stay friends...he knew I wasnt long out of a long term relationship and said the sex was complicating things. I agreed & said im and not ready for what we were doing...it was too soon.(that was back in september) So...you see he kinda friendzoned me first. After that we said friends with benefits but then i changed my mind....i wasnt willing to do that. So obviously he went off the radar for a bit but then kept getting back in touch...and now this recently has me really confused! Thats why Im wary of making a move because maybe he IS just being friendly...?!
salparadise Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 So obviously he went off the radar for a bit but then kept getting back in touch...and now this recently has me really confused! Thats why Im wary of making a move because maybe he IS just being friendly...?! Ok, so let's not focus on who fz'd who first––let's start with where you are now, what you want it to be, and how to get there. You're sort of like ex's who are still friends but seem to still have the attraction/flirtiness working for you. You've had enough sex to know you're compatible, but you didn't say if it was amazing. He keeps paying attention to you despite the fact that he's dating other women, which he's not trying to keep secret. You were initially clingy, too soon off a breakup, then you tried fwb's but you cut off the benefits. Is that about the size of it? Now you want him to take you seriously. You want him think of you as serious relationship material, correct? Is it any wonder that he's sort of moved on from thinking of you in that way? Apparently he is a guy with options––no issues with confidence, getting dates, converting you to fwb, perhaps having others on the string at the same time. So a lot depends on what his other options look like. So, what I think is that you need to change pretty much everything about how you're dealing with him. He probably thinks of you as attractive and available, but perhaps not so stable and reliable (just a guess). You need to regain his respect. My suggestion is to become less available, quit acting like his buddy, and keep the communication open but somewhat restrained. He needs to realize that his only channel of access to you is to date you, and that sex is on the table but casual, no-strings sex is not. If you try to fix this by seducing him you'll end up as fwb again and he won't take you seriously, so keep your panties on at least until you establish that the two of you are dating with intention. You need to figure out how to communicate this to him, but say it outright may not be the best way. You could ask him about the person he's dating. That will indicate interest and maybe give you some valuable info at the same time. Then when he wants to hang out again, tell him either that you don't feel comfortable doing that while he's dating someone, or (if it was just a one-time date) suggest that the two of you go out to dinner. Just be clear in your own mind about what you want––you don't want to be his buddy while he's dating other people, and you don't want to be his fwb. It's kind of an all or nothing gamble but that's the nature of it. 1
Natsume21 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 You placed this dude in the friendzone and now that he's seeing other ladies , you suddenly find him interesting. Where's this guy so I can give him a drink? Sorry, but I agree with the above poster...you snooze, you lose. Should have given him the chance when he wasn't seeing someone else. But as usual, you want what you can't have. If you don't like this, walk away. If you wanna change this guy's mind, take it from me, don't be so available. Don't hate the player cause he learned the game, learn to counterattack when on the defensive.
Natsume21 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 (edited) Personally speaking though, sounds like the only reason you want him is because he's no longer available. Had a friend who did this...she used to cheat on her boyfriend all the time with guys...till one day she found his phone, and though he didn't cheat, this girl was pursuing him...hard. To make it short, even since then girl straightened up her act and got right REAL QUICK. But he kept being distant, loving, but not too available. It's all so weird cause he used to be a lapdog for this chick and she treated him like crap, saying he was boring and uninteresting to me. Now he's got 3 girls wanting to date him and all of a sudden, she's going out saying she never lied. She's 18, so in a strange way, that's expected of her age. You play games with a dude, and it won't be long till he finds someone else. This is your fault. You wanna make it right? You better make it known. But I have a feeling this is probably just a case of "Want what I can't have" more than anything. Edited May 19, 2014 by Natsume21
RedRobin Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 I'd say let this one go. It is fine you were confused before, but that is water under the bridge. Either be ok just being friends (no benefits) or cut him loose. Since it doesn't seem like you are ok being just friends, then it's time for him to go. I'm not a fan of doing anything manipulative to try and regain his interest, if it was ever there to begin with. He's just dating and sleeping around and seeing what sticks, sounds like. That's ok. The fact that he suggested a FWB to me kind of sounds like he's not exactly relationship material for YOU. Now go find someone who is ok taking things slower and won't push the sex thing while you get to know each other. And maybe one who also isn't keen on FWB either... not just with you, but with any woman. I mean, IF you are looking for a relationship with someone. I myself avoid men with that history.
RedRobin Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Thanks for the advice guys So you reckon i should just go for it?? I dont want to make an ass of myself if he just wants to be friends.. im guessing his behaviour though is showing me otherwise... If you 'go for it', all it means is that he will think you are now ok being a FWB... or he will feel manipulated and you two will have some messed up drama for awhile. I'd say don't bother. Both of your timing was off, and maybe your values aren't in line. It happens.
salparadise Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 I'd say let this one go. You say that about all of them.
RedRobin Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 (edited) You say that about all of them. No I don't. If he were interested in more with her, he wouldn't have suggested a FWB back then when she was having doubts. He would have been ok with slowing things down when she got nervous. She got 'clingy' meaning she initially wanted more in terms of a relationship but he didn't. He's not interested in her for a relationship and likely never was. She was probably smart to end it before. She was especially smart to not go along with the FWB. She just needs to trust her intuition and end it for good. Edited May 19, 2014 by RedRobin
Targetlock Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 OP As someone who has ended up in the friendzone several times I know how frustrating it can be, sometimes I just wish it was all just simpler. but yes you have got make a move and play your hand.
joystickd Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 No I don't. If he were interested in more with her, he wouldn't have suggested a FWB back then when she was having doubts. He would have been ok with slowing things down when she got nervous. She got 'clingy' meaning she initially wanted more in terms of a relationship but he didn't. He's not interested in her for a relationship and likely never was. She was probably smart to end it before. She was especially smart to not go along with the FWB. She just needs to trust her intuition and end it for good. Lol! The FWB police! Have you ever entertained the possibility that maybe she wants an FWB? Women do get horny too
salparadise Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) She just needs to trust her intuition and end it for good. You mean trust YOUR intuition, values and judgements. Her intention, according to the original post, is to give the relationship another try. The fwb part is somewhat tangental to the overall situation, but she makes no mention of being victimized and acknowledges her consensual participation for a brief time. But it's all beside the point really, as she is interested in the guy and doesn't consider him evil. It's really important when trying to help people find clarity that you not impose your own values and beliefs, and not judge. If the choices they make aren't consistent with their own values they'll end up more confused and frustrated. But, this presumes that the purpose is to actually help people reach their own decisions with clarity, which perhaps is too presumptive. Edited May 20, 2014 by salparadise
RedRobin Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 (edited) Lol! The FWB police! Have you ever entertained the possibility that maybe she wants an FWB? Women do get horny too She already said she didn't want that. Read the thread please. You mean trust YOUR intuition, values and judgements. Her intention, according to the original post, is to give the relationship another try. The fwb part is somewhat tangental to the overall situation, but she makes no mention of being victimized and acknowledges her consensual participation for a brief time. But it's all beside the point really, as she is interested in the guy and doesn't consider him evil. It's really important when trying to help people find clarity that you not impose your own values and beliefs, and not judge. If the choices they make aren't consistent with their own values they'll end up more confused and frustrated. But, this presumes that the purpose is to actually help people reach their own decisions with clarity, which perhaps is too presumptive. She said she didn't want a FWB and wants some help sorting out this guy's intentions. I dunno. Seems like she's already been down that path before. Hasn't she? There was no relationship before anyway. Not sure what there is to 'try again' on. Try again to be a FWB? You yourself complain about women who dangle sex to try and manipulate guys into a relationship, then basically give her tips on how to do that. You'd be surprised that I don't actually believe in that. Dangling carrots. Nor am I a fan of effing one's way into a 'relationship'. I'm a firm believer that people either are or are not relationship oriented in advance... and either are or are not looking for a relationship. Has nothing to do with who they happen to be effing. Lots of women need to figure this out rather than keep having sex with guys who clearly aren't interested in a relationship with them or likely any woman. In other words, it isn't personal. Stop having sex with guys to try and change their minds. It's retarded. I do believe in taking steps to build intimacy. If she wants to think about pursuing an actual relationship with the guy, maybe she needs to tell HIM what she told us.... then see what he does. I'm thinking it won't go well because he's already accused her of being 'clingy'. They just aren't on the same page. It happens. You'll note that I'm not accusing him of being 'evil' either. Just sounds like he has different goals than her. She should move along. IF she is looking for a relationship. That ship has sailed with this guy. I don't perceive him (or maybe her either) on taking steps that people who are actually looking for a relationship DO. It's up to her to decide what to do... but getting all strategic on the guy... after he's already told her what his end goal is in more ways than one... seems like an exercise in futility. Edited May 20, 2014 by RedRobin
Author Jezabel_80 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Ok I appreciate all the advice. To be honest, i originally had only intended to have a fling when we met first and yes we both agreed in the beginning we didnt want anything serious. It did however get to the stage were he would stay over three nights in a row and I started to fall for him. That to me wasnt a fling as feelings were getting involved. And I thoroughly believed he felt the same as if it was just sex wouldnt he leave??! It was too soon for me, my ex only left the building two months before that! So yea it was me that was OK for FWB (for a week), although thats very hard to do when you like somebody, i felt I was the one who would get hurt and I wasnt strong enough for that. My trust was destroyed after my last relationship & thats why i got clingy. I just wasnt ready to start falling for someone so quick... It was then we said just friends. I know that is irrelevant now but to be honest I still dont know the way to approach this. Im aware that he might not want a relationship (hes younger than me) but neither do i! Im only want an easy going situation where there is no pressure on either of us. However it would be nice to be exclusive all the same (as Im not into sleeping around!) and I have no idea how to approach this with him without seeming needy?!
salparadise Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 She said she didn't want a FWB and wants some help sorting out this guy's intentions. [...] Try again to be a FWB? You yourself complain about women who dangle sex to try and manipulate guys into a relationship, then basically give her tips on how to do that. If you'll reread the advice I gave her, I said don't start having sex unless/until the two of you are dating. The intent being to not slide into a fwb situation. I did not tell her to "dangle" sex as a way to manipulate him into a relationship. I'm simply telling her that if she wants to date the guy, then she needs to quit hanging-out and either date him or move on. In other words, make it on her own terms or not at all. It would be pretty awkward to try and have a conversation about his intentions when they aren't even dating. Perhaps that conversation needs to happen at some point but my intuition says that this isn't the time. I don't think any of this is inconsistent with either of our philosophies... with the exception, of course, of your assertion that any man who has had a fwb or casual sex should be dismissed out of hand. But that's really what this is about to you isn't it? You see her as a victim and him as having manipulated her, even though it was apparently mutual until she decided to end it? I don't think it's nearly that complicated––she simply needs to enforce her boundaries in terms of what type of relationship (if any) she's willing to have with the guy. I'm not saying should or shouldn't. It's her choice.
Author Jezabel_80 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Ok, so let's not focus on who fz'd who first––let's start with where you are now, what you want it to be, and how to get there. You're sort of like ex's who are still friends but seem to still have the attraction/flirtiness working for you. You've had enough sex to know you're compatible, but you didn't say if it was amazing. He keeps paying attention to you despite the fact that he's dating other women, which he's not trying to keep secret. You were initially clingy, too soon off a breakup, then you tried fwb's but you cut off the benefits. Is that about the size of it? Thats exactly it! And yes the sex was amazing... "Now you want him to take you seriously. You want him think of you as serious relationship material, correct? Is it any wonder that he's sort of moved on from thinking of you in that way? Apparently he is a guy with options––no issues with confidence, getting dates, converting you to fwb, perhaps having others on the string at the same time. So a lot depends on what his other options look like" I do want him to take me seriously but at a very slow pace....im not ready myself for something too serious! And yes he has lots of options....lots of female friends. i fear I might be just one in a 100. But then the whole picture gift thing just threw me! "So, what I think is that you need to change pretty much everything about how you're dealing with him. He probably thinks of you as attractive and available, but perhaps not so stable and reliable (just a guess). You need to regain his respect. My suggestion is to become less available, quit acting like his buddy, and keep the communication open but somewhat restrained. He needs to realize that his only channel of access to you is to date you, and that sex is on the table but casual, no-strings sex is not." How do i say that casual dating is what i want....not FWB?! Does that make sense..is there a difference really? I just dont want to be introduced as just a friend (like his other female friends) and then were sleeping together. To me thats disrespectful.
Author Jezabel_80 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Eh sorry..the quote thing isn't working on this for some reason! :/
salparadise Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Eh sorry..the quote thing isn't working on this for some reason! :/ Make sure the quote tags at the beginning and end of the text you want to quote are intact.
Author Jezabel_80 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 Ok, so let's not focus on who fz'd who first––let's start with where you are now, what you want it to be, and how to get there. You're sort of like ex's who are still friends but seem to still have the attraction/flirtiness working for you. You've had enough sex to know you're compatible, but you didn't say if it was amazing. He keeps paying attention to you despite the fact that he's dating other women, which he's not trying to keep secret. You were initially clingy, too soon off a breakup, then you tried fwb's but you cut off the benefits. Is that about the size of it? Thats exactly it! And yes the sex was amazing... Now you want him to take you seriously. You want him think of you as serious relationship material, correct? Is it any wonder that he's sort of moved on from thinking of you in that way? Apparently he is a guy with options––no issues with confidence, getting dates, converting you to fwb, perhaps having others on the string at the same time. So a lot depends on what his other options look like I do want him to take me seriously but at a very slow pace....im not ready myself for something too serious! And yes he has lots of options....lots of female friends. i fear I might be just one in a 100. But then the whole picture gift thing just threw me! So, what I think is that you need to change pretty much everything about how you're dealing with him. He probably thinks of you as attractive and available, but perhaps not so stable and reliable (just a guess). You need to regain his respect. My suggestion is to become less available, quit acting like his buddy, and keep the communication open but somewhat restrained. He needs to realize that his only channel of access to you is to date you, and that sex is on the table but casual, no-strings sex is not. How do i say that casual dating is what i want....not FWB?! Does that make sense..is there a difference really? I just dont want to be introduced as just a friend (like his other female friends) and then were sleeping together. To me thats disrespectful.
RedRobin Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 You see her as a victim and him as having manipulated her, even though it was apparently mutual until she decided to end it? No, I don't see her as a victim at all. She said she didn't want a FWB. She just needs to be consistent. I don't think it's nearly that complicated––she simply needs to enforce her boundaries in terms of what type of relationship (if any) she's willing to have with the guy. I'm not saying should or shouldn't. It's her choice. I'm not saying anything different. I just think he already told her what his ground rules are (either by words or actions) and attempting to revisit that is retarded. Water under the bridge.
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