Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I have rejected men and men have rejected me. This is life. Probably in my life I've felt more men have rejected me but for reasons i can't quite work out. I'm no longer caring for what the reasons are necessarily I'm just working towards my masters ect... I will say this though, i have lost 20 kg. For those who work in pounds I'm not sure how much that would be, but 20 kg is ALOT. About a year ago i met a friend who broke up with his ex about a month before. He was still healing and hurting ect... so talking about his ex was to be expected. We started hanging out and six months down the track it appeared that he started to avoid me. Always ' busy' i said after one too many cancellations to "forget about it" . Feeling guilty, he admitted that he wasn't sure if " I liked him or not" but in the same conversation he said " he's not one to pick up on signals" feeling like there was a contradiction in that conversation I decided to leave it. One night, after hanging out as we always do he told me that he was still scared, burning bridges and still not over his ex, he said there was a young 20 something interested in him but she seemed too innocent, naieve and young for him. 6 months after that however he stopped contacting me, and started dating this young girl. After that i stopped being in contact as a friend with him. He would still want me to come over for dinner but i said no as that was no longer appropriate. He had a gf. A year after that however, and he has broken up for that woman and i bumped into him on the street. Seeing me and seeing me 20kg lighter he didn't even recognise me at first. He looked pleasantly shocked. He looked like he had swallowed a grapefruit. Then he askes me for my number. I gave my new number to him. Well... he has been asking me for dinners, and catch ups ect... asking me about my day... the other day he called me " beautiful " something he has never called me before. When we were hanging out i caught him looking at me a few times ... no.starting at me... but he never pursued me. Now that I've revealed the new me, he wont leave me alone. Question : is it reasonable to question a man's intentions if you've lost weight? Or should I let this one go? I kinda think, if he didn't give me a chance the first time he doesn't deserve a second chance. And actually his flattery believe it or not and attention makes me feel uncomfortable.
Dallers Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 This is a tough one. But one which you are not going to like the answer. This is going to have to be your choice to make depending on what you feel as the answers on here are going to be of personal opinion rather than right or wrong in terms of the weight issue. I have nothing against a few extra pounds but as I am someone who is a diet and exercise freak I need a girl in my life that is of the same mentality and cares about her health and weight, I am just not attracted to girls that are big. Lots of guys are but I am not so punch me in the face for it but that is my honest opinion. He might have been the same or he might have still cared for his ex but when it comes to men we are physically attracted first to a women, that is just the way it is. Physical attraction does not always come first to a women when finding a man so that is why you are rightly concerned. Maybe give him a chance but make him jump through a few extra hoops to prove he is actually interested in you not this new body you have created for yourself. 1
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 I guess what leaves me a bit bewildered is that " once you're in the freindzone, in the friendzone you'll always be forever more". It seems... it's not so true. I didn't expect the INTENSITY of his interest. Kinda like a 0-10 even though it's been a year. I didn't even think about him. While I'm working on my dissertation, he texts, now it's ME that doesn't reply straight away. Something ironic about that;). I just thought this guy was a guy who " played it cool" he certainly appeared that way a year ago. I like the hoops idea. Any guy who mads you walk on coals with bare feet deserves a little of the same "testing " or i could just be honest with him & tell him how I feel.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 Opps i met the guy two years a go not a year ago realized my post would sound a bit odd. Very late at night here. Sorry guys Zzzzzzzz
Dallers Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 I do not believe in the friendzone I think it is a myth. Finding yourself making a friend is only because she has rejected you initially as a lover but does actually like you. There are stories of people then getting together later on it just depends if you can adapt to being a friend and not a drip because you lost the girl you wanted and are too lazy to work for it. Boohoo. Normally I go by rejection and walk away because when I like someone I cannot be their friend. The so called 'Friendzone' really is an excuse guys make to save themselves the pain of being rejected. It is pathetic. From a guy. You two were never friendzone'd he just didn't like you back then because he still had feelings for his ex and now she is out of the picture and he is looking you have come along looking scrumptious and he is now into you. Simple as. Do not be honest as he will just say what you want to hear, you need to find out by making him work for you and showing you rather than telling you that he actually is really into you. (I am a guy giving this advice, clearly I have read too many understanding women books)
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 Then what are these " hoops" you speak of?.what would you suggest I do?
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 This has nothing to do with you, the first time he was simply rebounding and not over his ex that's why he was enjoying your company...you were overweight and someone that didn't stoke his fire so he wasn't really worried about getting involved with you because there wasn't a high level of temptation but you were still filling an emotional void and loss. That's why when the young girl came along he fell into the vagina trap and starting using her sexually/romantically to fill that void...then that got old because any half-a-brain guy that I've known will usually grow bored and tired of younger women who tend to only have a one-track mind called emotions and they can only fulfill so much in the long run typically. Now weight can make a huge difference for men and their attraction, that's no mystery so when he saw you without all that weight then you slid from the friendzoneish area to the "I'd sleep with you now" zone. He's still not going to be into you or tempted in you if he wasn't before, he wasn't ever that into you...but now that your body is that different he might want to take a dip in the pool at least....but for a relationship, I definitely wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you. Men will sleep with a lot of things, and when they're interested in that they will tell you the things that you want to hear..that should really be no mystery either, so I'm not sure why you're surprised to hear compliments and nice gestures especially after he just disappeared on you in the past, he probably felt obligated to put on a show of sincerity since he had done that and just kind of left you out of nowhere once you weren't willing to do him any favors anymore once he had a gf. This is all very typical, I know you might enjoy the new found interest from men because of your weight loss but unfortunately that is not likely to change their attitude towards you as relationship material if they weren't interested in you before...it depends, but I'd expect psuedo short-term relationships at best with these kind of guys and that's just to give you a spin in the bedroom mainly. I wouldn't give him a second shot, you've already seen his behavior and how much he values you by previous behavior...you can tell it doesn't feel natural or right but that never really stops a woman either...I've seen women detest men and say this and that about men and then two months later they're "dating" him...so it really doesn't matter, the choice is yours I just think it's a waste of time for you. 1
soccerrprp Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 (edited) Question : is it reasonable to question a man's intentions if you've lost weight? Or should I let this one go? I kinda think, if he didn't give me a chance the first time he doesn't deserve a second chance. And actually his flattery believe it or not and attention makes me feel uncomfortable. In lbs, you've lost close to 45-lbs. Nice job! Happy for you b/c you are 'healthier', not just slimmer. Yes, be suspicious. It is clear to me that his interest blossomed AFTER you lost the weight. The flattering, etc. all physically motivated. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, well, that in itself should be enough to avoid this guy. He's looking at you like a piece of meat now. He didn't give you much attention before...you were safe, undesirable. Now.....well, you know. Also, his concern for the young, naive 20-something was not enough to keep him from hooking-up with her. Young 20-somethings tend to be, slimmer, fitter, more impressionable....he was after her for sex no doubt. He is about the physical... Edited May 18, 2014 by soccerrprp 1
HappyLove Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 You weren't good enough for him before. So much so that he even started dating someone else. I'd look elsewhere for a guy who is truly into you. What happens if you gain this weight back in the future? He'd leave once again. Oh well, he missed his chance and showed his true colors. Congrats on the weight loss!
ExpatInItaly Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 First of all, congrats on your weight loss! That is a significant amount of weight and a huge achievement requiring a lot of dedication and hard work. So hats off to you! Second of all, I wouldn't be bothered with him. Not so much because of the weight, but because his behaviour when he had this young girlfriend. You said he still tried to get you to come over even after he started dating her. Friendly interest? Maybe. But I think it's a bit shady on his part. I would be wary for that reason and wondering what type of boyfriend he really is.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 First of all, congrats on your weight loss! That is a significant amount of weight and a huge achievement requiring a lot of dedication and hard work. So hats off to you! Second of all, I wouldn't be bothered with him. Not so much because of the weight, but because his behaviour when he had this young girlfriend. You said he still tried to get you to come over even after he started dating her. Friendly interest? Maybe. But I think it's a bit shady on his part. I would be wary for that reason and wondering what type of boyfriend he really is. Yup. The weight loss was for me. Not because I wanted a partner or anything. I thought it was likely that I would never see that guy agai n. I almost liteally bumped into him on the i was going to a spin class. What frustrates me is that this guy thinks he can treat me so casually a year ago to the point of no contact whatsoever. He could treat me however ge wanted & date other girls even though " he was burning bridges " . What men don't understand is that woman would rather you tell them the truth "I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU I ONLY SEE YOU AS A FRIEND ". We would happily accept it move on & find someone who wouldn't. But when I loose weight, he frequently and ferociously pursues me. Nevermind that he hurt me & stopped talking to me all together. Nevermind that he said he " wasn't into that 20 something year old " & then went out with her anyway. Nevermind that he still wanted his cake & the privilege of eating it too. My weight loss hasn't changed my personality. I decided to slowly and surely to end texting him back. In about a week he'll get the idea. Once he realizes that he hasn't heard or received a text in a week or returned a phone call. He stopped contacting me for mysterious reasons, i'll stop contacting him for mysterious reasons.
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