Betrayed after 4 years..did she ever really love me? [updates]

May 26, 2014

Honestly, I would go NC because she has made it clear that she is done. I know you said you didn't want that advice, so I considered not even posting. Anyway, sending her an email to trigger a positive memory is what you are aiming for, right? Don't do that. There is no chance that such an email would make her reconsider.

May 26, 2014

I appreciate the advice guys - I know you are giving it to me straight, and that it is what I need to hear, even if it isn't what I want to hear.

To be fair, our relationship wasn't always perfect. Many of my friends have reminded me in the past few days of the times I would come home and complain about things or question if we were right for each other. I always viewed it as though those were the times to complain (when you're away from the relationship with your friends), and complaining is easy and not always rooted in significant issues, but obviously there was some concern on my part. Perhaps she was just bold enough to act on those concerns first, because I don't think I would have ever been strong enough to leave. Things were too good in too many ways.

I really want to believe there was/is not someone else. Seems like most on this forum seem to lean toward that being the case, while most of my friends who knew her and us and have heard the story seem to think that it isn't the case. Aside from the agony of the thought of her being with someone else, at least if she is alone she also has to face with the void left by our relationship ending. If she is with someone else, she doesn't have to face that, at least not yet, which makes it even more painful since I'm left reeling from it.

Everything that everyone is saying about NC is completely valid. If I reach out to her, I'm basically saying that it was okay for her to treat me how she did, which it wasn't. I was soo good to her, and did everything I possibly could to support her, love her and show her how much I cared about her. I would've gone to the moon and back for her, and she knew it.

NC just feels soo helpless, as if I'm just standing by watching the most important thing in my life drift further and further away. And I guess I feel like, once I move, there will be no easy way to meet again face to face, and I would like that opportunity, if only to show off a better side of myself than she last saw. I've always fought for the things I wanted in life, and I know that logic doesn't work the same way here, but I want to at least feel like i did everything I could before I head out of town. Is there anything I could do before I head out of town in a month? Any recommendations besides just maintaining strict no contact?

I just can't fathom how she could pickup like that and never want to communicate again. Even if she has had months to brace herself for this, she still has to deal with the reality of not having me in her life for the first time. You would think that at some point I would hear from her, though I'm not expecting to at this point. It upsets and angers me that I am sitting here still hurting, while she could be living it up without the same hurt, after so much time together as partners.

May 26, 2014

There are lots of things to do when you are in No Contact: if all you are doing with your life right now is looking at your phone or pulling up blank emails to type up a message to her you're not doing it right. Here's my recommendation for what you should do:

GET ANY IDEA THAT YOU TWO WILL RECONCILE OUT OF YOUR HEAD. STOP WANTING TO CONTACT HER. WANT TO DO RIGHT BY YOU.

You fought for her while you were in your relationship. You did most everything right. You can't blame yourself for that. Take your solace in that you did everything you could to save your relationship when you could when the time was right. And she just kept rejecting you. You've done enough!

All you got was "No no no no no." No is such an ugly word. I hope you are tired of it. You know what: give her, and yourself a "YES." Yes, I will move on. Yes, I hate it, but this is the best for me too, because I DESERVE a partner who will LOVE me, and treat me with the respect that I deserve.

You need to give that to yourself, because if you keep contacting her: all you will get is "NO." She has made up her mind and there is nothing you can do that will change it. You don't want "NO."

You want to give yourself a "Yes." Yes, it is okay to let go and move on. It is okay not to pine over someone who doesn't love you.

Yes, yes, you can be no contact. Yes, you can continue to live and have new adventures, and an enriching life without her in it. BUILD YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU WANT TO, without her. The world has not tilted off it's axis. You were fine before you met her, and you will be fine without her. It will just take time and distance. Time and distance arre your best friends if you use them to your advantage and keep doing right by you.

AGAIN. YOU CAN DO IT.

May 26, 2014

Thanks - your words of encouragement are really uplifting! I'm not sitting by my phone, I won't give her that satisfaction. I've been spending lots of time with friends and family. I'm talking to people about what happened, and sorting through it myself. I bought myself a bunch of new clothes, keeping up my exercise routine and will be starting marathon training in a few weeks. I'm still planning to hopefully go on a big Europe trip in June that we had originally booked together (might go with my sister or a friend instead). I switched offices once this all happened, which is why I am going to be moving out of Chicago next month (since I had stayed in Chicago only for her really). I'm motivated from all of this to become a bigger and better version of myself, and I will.

It is like you said. She is immature and selfish. And those things breed immature and selfish decisions. I didn't see it at the time, because she was always a very strong and independent woman, but the way she handled the break-up showcased her true nature. I guess there is still that piece of me that wants to think that one day she will grow up, wake up and realize what a great thing she had that she tossed away. I know I can't cling to that if I want to move on. But 4+ years, it's been less than 2 weeks, I just need time before i can fully let go. We were so perfect together, its just hard to fathom still how it all came crashing down. It still just doesn't seem like how our story is supposed to end.

May 26, 2014

I am glad to hear you're doing all of those things to keep living your life to the fullest you can. You only have one life. It's okay to be upset that she left you, and it's healthy to grieve and work through your emotions, because at one point she did matter to you. You'd have moved the sun and stars for her. But hopefully you're seeing as the days go by that there are so many wonderful people out in the world who will give you the time of day and will be loyal and stand by you, no matter what. (I think you should take your sister on your European adventure! I took my brother on a couple of trips after my ex broke up with me, and we had a frickin' blast!)

It's funny, because when you do have a partner you do seem "perfect". So many people told me that me and my ex were "perfect" for each other. Then, about six weeks after he broke up with me, he made it Facebook official with his new girlfriend and they were "perfect" for each other. (I have lots of opinions about this, but that's for some other rant.) The thing that makes relationships truly special is un-waivering commitment, through thick and thin. So, relationships are really stellar and special, one of a kind, and unique... until they're not, and one party shows their true colors. Then it's just another ended relationship, lost to time. In many ways, it seems unfair that it ends, just like that. But it's just how it is. Feelings may still exist, but what about them makes them special? There's no commitment or reciprocation from the other person. Why waste your positive energy on someone who will not give you the time of day?

Anyway, keep working on you for your own sake. You'll be surprised about how many odd and wonderful things can come about if you keep your head held high, and looking forward, and only looking back to remind yourself to keep moving forward.

May 26, 2014

Everything about this screams that there is another person in the picture.

If there was a problem, I wouldn't let things go without talking it out. You know why? Because after 4 years, YOU DESERVE THAT COURTESY.

Another good post there Elsea... highfive?

I think the two bits I've quoted go hand in hand. Unless your ex is so bad at communicating they just won't raise the issue, courtesy dictates that you would discuss any problems to save a relationship..... unless there was someone else in the picture... at that point you get vague / non-reasons and dropped for whoever else is in the picture.

You might even get blamed... but certainly no discussion, no saving the relationship... because let's face it, these cowards don't want to save it, they're off on their jollies to Mr or Mrs Perfect who swooped in to their oh so depressing life to save them... *yeah right*

Edited May 26, 2014 by FredJones80

May 26, 2014

NC just feels soo helpless, as if I'm just standing by watching the most important thing in my life drift further and further away.

The problem is that she has already walked away. I understand your line of thinking because I was there a year ago. I couldn't fathom how I would go NC. It felt like giving up, but the truth was that he had given up months ago. There's going to be a lot of denial in the beginning, especially after a 4 year relationship. Denial is you mind's way of protecting itself against an almost unbearable truth, so it can be helpful in the beginning.

I truly think the best thing you can do (what I wish I had done) is go NC immediately because, after a few months, you will hopefully be able to move out of the denial stage. The problem with staying in contact is that it allows you to stay in denial. You can have all the anger, depression, bargaining, ect with the denial, but you'll never reach acceptance. I learned that the hard way. Leave any door open, just a crack, and it can hit you hard down the line. NC is the best way to kill the hope. I'm slowly coming to acceptance after over a year post breakup and 6 months NC. I festered in denial because I stayed in LC for months.

May 26, 2014

I just can't fathom how she could pickup like that and never want to communicate again.

Let me fathom for you... she's banging someone else and met the guy months before you two broke up and wants absolutely nothing more to do with you.

Yank her off that ridiculous pedestal and move on with your life.

May 28, 2014

While I don't deny the possibility of someone else, it seems like everyone is so sure of it, and I just wonder how you can know without a doubt? She's been cheated on before, comes from a very kind and loving family, and is really not that type of person (I know, I know), so while I personally lean toward their being someone else myself, I certainly view it as a distinct possibility that this was purely based on her unhappiness, for whatever reason, with our relationship. Not that it should matter, I guess, but it does for me.

In any case, approaching two weeks no contact and having a rough day today. The weather is finally nice in Chicago, and that is when so many of our memories were made, it just feels very empty without her. What is worse, as so many have alluded, there is the potential that she is out enjoying all that Chicago summer has to offer with someone else. Even if she isn't yet, she certainly will be at some point.

While I know it is a fool's errand, I still search for meaning in her actions toward the end. She could have broken it off in early April when she first stated she wanted to break-up after a month of limited affection, but she stayed another 1.5 months, she recommitted, she went to couples counseling (albeit only once), looked at rings, looked at apartments, continued booking a trip to Europe, went shopping for new kitchen ware, did all the normal things that we always did together. She had obviously been breaking up with me for months in her head, why do all those things right at the end, when she was so close in her mind to ending it? Why all the crying, the week of back and forth during the break-up, the text response that she did miss us right afterwards?

The fact that she has made no effort to contact me over these last two weeks speaks volumes, it is just hard to fathom after 4.5 great years of growing together, supporting one another and being inseparable that it could really be over just like that. Before we lived together this year, so much effort went into making sure that we could spend the night together every night for 3.5 years, it is just amazing to think about that in relation to the reality today, where she doesn't even want to see me.

I'm keeping busy and doing what everyone says are "all the right things," but I have my weak moments, a lot of them still, and it is just so hard to envision a future without her. I wish I had closure. I wish I could talk to her one more time. I wish I could fast-forward to a time when she realizes what a mistake she made, if that ever comes about. I just wish I had my old life back. In two weeks, I've yet to see a girl that appealed to me, even the two I've hooked up with during that time. It just sucks that they get everything in the break-up, and you're left with nothing.

Thanks for appeasing my rant. This thread has been a god-send to helping me get through all of this, and I really appreciate everyone that has taken the time to post and support me.

May 28, 2014

She loved me when i was young, insecure, and sorting out my life. Why now that I'm established, making lots of money, and comfortable with who I am and what I can offer would she choose to leave? She would be hard pressed to find a guy who can offer her more, who also wants all the same things that she does, and certainly not one who shares the same great history that we built together. It just doesn't make sense to me why this would all happen now, after all the growing pains we went through together, when things were finally falling into place for us? Just at a loss I guess. Probably will never understand.

May 29, 2014

Chicago,

I'm so so sorry for what you're going through! Let me be the first person in this thread to agree with you that i DONT think there is someone else. If you read my thread, I went through the exact same thing but I was in the position of your ex and there was nobody else. It sounds to me like confusion, possible GIGS, and like you said, having unrealistic expectations about what love is supposed to feel like.

And in regards to why she hasn't contacted you, who knows for sure but following my breakup, I was on here daily and everybody says not to reach out unless you're saying you want to get back, that everything else is breadcrumbs! I was suffering immensely after ending things with my ex, and missing her desperately but I didn't reach out because I didn't know if getting back togyher was the right answer (I still don't know though it pk longer matters as she is engaged now!!!) and I didn't want to leave bread crumbs or hurt her more.

So I mean who knows but I just wanted to throw this info out there and tell you she might be really confused and not want to hurt you more. I still think you should try to move on, and boy is that the hardest thing. I'm 4 months out and I still don't know how and I know exactly what you mean about reminiscing about the good times and the growth you had together and eveuthing you went through and built together... It's positively devastating.

Ps, my ex and I are the same ages as you guys and dated abot the same length of times, just 6 more months so I really understand the pain and my heart goes out to you

May 29, 2014

Also sorry for all the typos I'm on my phone, in the dark, unable to sleep of course. I also just wanted to say that your story really hit home for me. If it weren't for the date of events I would have thought maybe you were my ex writing about me.

Again, I'm so sorry.

May 29, 2014

Hey Chicago,

It's the worst when you picture living the rest of your life with a person...then they just leave. Me and my ex went out for almost 9 months...so maybe I can't really compare exactly to what you're going through. But I know without a doubt I loved the guy with my entire heart. Then he blindsided me. Told me he loved me one day, then was leaving the next. I suppose he didn't love me as much as I thought...or he'd still be here. But hey, that's life. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. I'm still in the stuff your face with ice cream and watch anything but a romantic comedy phase. Although next week I'm gonna start working out again, I hear that helps a ton. If you're ever freakishly lonely at 3am or feel like talking about anything..feel free to shoot me an email. [email protected]

May 29, 2014

She loved me when i was young, insecure, and sorting out my life. Why now that I'm established, making lots of money, and comfortable with who I am and what I can offer would she choose to leave? She would be hard pressed to find a guy who can offer her more, who also wants all the same things that she does, and certainly not one who shares the same great history that we built together. It just doesn't make sense to me why this would all happen now, after all the growing pains we went through together, when things were finally falling into place for us? Just at a loss I guess. Probably will never understand.

One thing I've come to understand is that breakups often don't make logical sense. Just like falling in love doesn't make sense. My ex would say that it just didn't feel right anymore, but he couldn't really give me anything specific. There was no one else in the picture. I wouldn't try looking too far for answers because you aren't likely to find any.

It's difficult because it's human nature to want an answer, to want the world to make sense. Matters of the heart often make no sense at all. In fact, much of life is random, and we can only control ourselves. We try really hard to believe we are in control of all of this, but breakups seem to remind is just how little we do control. . . . Least of all another person's emotions. Frustrating but necessary to accept.

June 11, 2014

Short story that I've posted on here before as this has unfolded - I’m 28 and she is 27, we were together for over 4 years, were living together and had concrete plans for the future when she decided she no longer wanted to be together. The actual break-up happened over the course of 2 months, during which time she first brought up her unhappiness and desire to break-up, we mutually agreed to work on things, she recommitted after 10 days and we began looking at engagement rings and apartments for next year, etc., only to have her decide 3 weeks later to break-up for good. She moved out the following week.

All indications are that she lost feelings for me over the course of several months (or perhaps an even longer time period), though she never shared how she was feeling. While we had gotten into a bit of a boring married couple routine (I was finishing grad school and she was working long hours with her job) and may have taken each other for granted at some points, there was nothing that seemed inherently wrong with our relationship. We were still best friends, spent lots of time together, cared for each other and maintained our own hobbies. I know there are some things I could have done better, but I was very good to her, always supported her, am about to start a very lucrative job with a prestigious management consulting firm, am in excellent shape, etc. She was always the more timid, needy and clingy one in our relationship, so the break-up caught me completely by surprise.

Since she moved out, she has de-friended me on facebook, taken down all of our pictures within the last two years that made it look as though we were a couple, and made no attempt to contact me. I finally contacted her this week after 3+ weeks NC and we are meeting on Sunday to discuss what happened.

Despite her actions, I still miss her terribly and want her back. She hasn’t given any signs that she has interest in reconciling, and since I have no idea what caused all of this, I also desperately want some answers, primarily to three main questions:

1) When did she start having doubts and what changed?

2) Did she ever cheat and was there someone else at the end of our relationship (I am of course very suspicious at this point)?

3) How is she feeling now that we have had some space? Is she honestly happier this way (I know that if she wasn’t she probably would have contacted me, but she is timid and I just need to hear it from her to gauge where her head is at after some time apart)?

My plan is to start by catching up on each other’s lives over the past month. Ideally, I’ll try to listen and let her bring up the relationship stuff first so she can share what happened (or at least whatever she will share, she isn’t the best communicator, which is part of the issue and why I’m lacking for answers right now). Once she has said her piece, I’ll apologize for the things I’ve realized I could have done better, and hopefully have a chance to ask her the questions that I still have.

I guess my question is – is this a good plan? And how should I try to leave things? I’ll be moving in a few weeks (decided to switch offices after the break-up), but I’ll have no trouble getting back on weekends if we wanted to try to rekindle things.

I’ve read that you shouldn’t talk about the relationship if you are trying to get back together, but honestly, how can you fix things if you don’t discuss what went wrong? Plus, that discussion is the main premise for our meeting, and since all her actions seem to indicate she is trying to just move on, I at least want some answers so I can too, though I’d gladly forego answers for a chance to make things work.

Appreciate your thoughts..

June 11, 2014

It's not a good plan.

June 12, 2014

Short story that I've posted on here before as this has unfolded - I’m 28 and she is 27, we were together for over 4 years, were living together and had concrete plans for the future when she decided she no longer wanted to be together. The actual break-up happened over the course of 2 months, during which time she first brought up her unhappiness and desire to break-up, we mutually agreed to work on things, she recommitted after 10 days and we began looking at engagement rings and apartments for next year, etc., only to have her decide 3 weeks later to break-up for good. She moved out the following week.

All indications are that she lost feelings for me over the course of several months (or perhaps an even longer time period), though she never shared how she was feeling. While we had gotten into a bit of a boring married couple routine (I was finishing grad school and she was working long hours with her job) and may have taken each other for granted at some points, there was nothing that seemed inherently wrong with our relationship. We were still best friends, spent lots of time together, cared for each other and maintained our own hobbies. I know there are some things I could have done better, but I was very good to her, always supported her, am about to start a very lucrative job with a prestigious management consulting firm, am in excellent shape, etc. She was always the more timid, needy and clingy one in our relationship, so the break-up caught me completely by surprise.

Since she moved out, she has de-friended me on facebook, taken down all of our pictures within the last two years that made it look as though we were a couple, and made no attempt to contact me. I finally contacted her this week after 3+ weeks NC and we are meeting on Sunday to discuss what happened.

Despite her actions, I still miss her terribly and want her back. She hasn’t given any signs that she has interest in reconciling, and since I have no idea what caused all of this, I also desperately want some answers, primarily to three main questions:

1) When did she start having doubts and what changed?
2) Did she ever cheat and was there someone else at the end of our relationship (I am of course very suspicious at this point)?
3) How is she feeling now that we have had some space? Is she honestly happier this way (I know that if she wasn’t she probably would have contacted me, but she is timid and I just need to hear it from her to gauge where her head is at after some time apart)?

My plan is to start by catching up on each other’s lives over the past month. Ideally, I’ll try to listen and let her bring up the relationship stuff first so she can share what happened (or at least whatever she will share, she isn’t the best communicator, which is part of the issue and why I’m lacking for answers right now). Once she has said her piece, I’ll apologize for the things I’ve realized I could have done better, and hopefully have a chance to ask her the questions that I still have.

I guess my question is – is this a good plan? And how should I try to leave things? I’ll be moving in a few weeks (decided to switch offices after the break-up), but I’ll have no trouble getting back on weekends if we wanted to try to rekindle things.

I’ve read that you shouldn’t talk about the relationship if you are trying to get back together, but honestly, how can you fix things if you don’t discuss what went wrong? Plus, that discussion is the main premise for our meeting, and since all her actions seem to indicate she is trying to just move on, I at least want some answers so I can too, though I’d gladly forego answers for a chance to make things work.

Appreciate your thoughts..

I don't think you will get the answers that you're looking for, such as "was she cheating". Most people deny they did, even if it happened.

You might get a couple answers, not sure if you'll like the taste of them. The answer might just be that she didn't love you anymore. That's a hard one to hear.

It's true that to reconcile you have to discuss what went wrong, but the key element is to want to reconcile to begin with. She probably doesn't, and if so, will have little interest in fixing the relationship.

Instead of saying "I'll wait for you" (something that would sound like that), I'd probably go with "We can work on a reconciliation, but I can't wait around for you to decide. I have to think about me". And leave it at that. It says "okay, you want to go play. I can go play too." and not "I love you so much, I'm willing to do whatever it takes, including rolling over"

June 12, 2014

It's a tough pill to swallow and it sucks right now, but she isn't in the same ballpark as you as far as her feelings. You have to be strong and expect nothing, because in all likely-hood that's what you are going to get. Tell her exactly what has been mentioned before - that you aren't going to wait around.

June 12, 2014

Thanks for the input - I agree, I'm not going into this to put myself out there again. I said my piece during the break-up and I don't need to be rejected twice. Especially after four years and everything we went through together.

I've been feeling stuck without answers to these questions, and so I'm hoping for at least some sort of new information that can help me understand what led to the break-up. I know there are no guarantees I will get that, but even so, I'll feel better in the long run for having tried, and it will help me get rid of any lingering hope and move forward. It also gives me an opportunity to show that, while I may not have wanted this, I am standing on my own two feet and doing fine without her, which would be an upgrade from how our break-up ended (with me begging and pleading). In the best case scenario, the meeting would also provide a starting point for some sort of future communication, but I'm not expecting that and would be shocked if that was the outcome based on her actions the last couple of weeks.

I recognize that any actual answers will most likely be painful and hurtful, and could set me back in the short-term, but in the long run, it is something that I need to do for myself so I can move on without any regrets. You spend every day with someone for four years, I think you deserve to have one final conversation and go through what went wrong.

That said, still accepting advice on how to handle everything.

June 12, 2014

Thanks for the input - I agree, I'm not going into this to put myself out there again. I said my piece during the break-up and I don't need to be rejected twice. Especially after four years and everything we went through together.

I've been feeling stuck without answers to these questions, and so I'm hoping for at least some sort of new information that can help me understand what led to the break-up. I know there are no guarantees I will get that, but even so, I'll feel better in the long run for having tried, and it will help me get rid of any lingering hope and move forward. It also gives me an opportunity to show that, while I may not have wanted this, I am standing on my own two feet and doing fine without her, which would be an upgrade from how our break-up ended (with me begging and pleading). In the best case scenario, the meeting would also provide a starting point for some sort of future communication, but I'm not expecting that and would be shocked if that was the outcome based on her actions the last couple of weeks.

I recognize that any actual answers will most likely be painful and hurtful, and could set me back in the short-term, but in the long run, it is something that I need to do for myself so I can move on without any regrets. You spend every day with someone for four years, I think you deserve to have one final conversation and go through what went wrong.

That said, still accepting advice on how to handle everything.

Just expect anything and everything while at the same time expect nothing.

I went through this after my break up. I "had to know." Admittedly my relationship was shorter than yours I still felt like I was owed some answers. After a 2 hour long conversation I think I got some of them. It still didn't help that much. If anything over the course of the next week I was plagued with more questions, more thoughts and more counter arguments to her points.

I get what you are saying that you want closure and I admit, it kinda helped on my part but it still sucked in the short term. Just make a promise to yourself that you will not contact her for a LONG TIME after this conversation. You need distance and so does she....if there is any chance of it working out in the future you need distance.

June 12, 2014

Best way to win over a second chance relationship is to actually "DO" what you agree was necessary to change. Taking someone for granted can be changed by committing to being attentive or available. A Simple I'm sorry will go no where quick.

There is no time line... or second guessing...If this person and you so choose to "work thru" the glitches that transpired...it takes as long as it takes, and no less.

I found one step at a time seems to mend fences...there is no quick fix. Unless the quick fix is to part ways entirely and have the best of good will that they are happy in their future relations....

The honesty approach is one that can improve clarity. It also can bring a person down...Our perception of what we thought verses what they thought...collide...and then we are left going...Maybe I didnt want to know that. Sometimes its best to leave pandoras box closed...

Edited June 12, 2014 by Tayla

June 12, 2014

You're not going to get any honest answers out of her.

I mean, it sounds like she gradually just fell out of love with you, and you won't find out the real reasons why, especially if it was because of someone else.

Something similar happened with one of my ex's. I was very unhappy, expressed the fact that I wanted to end the relationship, despite me wanting to leave he somehow sucked me back and guilted me into staying with him, but shortly thereafter I ended it for good.

And yes. It was because of another guy. I finally had my escape route. My ex asked me up and down what the reason was, what happened. He never got the real answers. I didn't want to give him the real answers because it would have hurt him way more. I wasn't attracted to him. I wasn't in love with him. I met someone else. He was too clingy/needy.

I think it's a pretty bad idea getting together with her to be honest. You're going to put yourself back at square one and all the pain and hurt is going to come right back to the surface. Especially since it's clear she's over you and you're struggling. She's going to look fine and happy and you're miserable.

June 12, 2014

Something similar happened to me one month ago. My ex broke up with me after 3.5 years, we spoke about moving in together and getting married then out of the blue she broke up with me. She had been thinking about it for the last couple of month and said she her heart wasn't in it and didn't want to string me along.

She gave me the 'it's not you it's me' and the 'spark' is gone. When she broke up with me I was shocked, the next day we spoke again after I digested what happened and pleaded/begged her (which didn't help and didn't look great). After that we didn't talk for two weeks but we had to meet up to exchange some stuff. During that time I wrote down a bunch of questions I wanted to ask her/talk about to try and get some closure and/or making it work.

When we met up I asked her everything I wrote down but it's hard to give me answers when she didn't have answers herself, just that something wasn't right. What made me a little better is that I got to say what I wanted but at the same time never to answers to the questions I asked.

I went into NC mode a week ago and it has been hard and I thought I was making some progress. She called me last night and I thought I was ready to chat and catch up but as soon as the phone call finished I felt like crap.

What I came to realise is that the answer to your questions is that there are no answers. As soon as I accepted that it helped in the healing process, it still hurts everyday but I'm feeling better than last week and better than the week before that.

Good luck in your situation and go into your meeting with an open mind and not too much hope. What I'm finding now is that once they make their decision and they lose feeling it doesn't matter what you say it will be hard to get them back and NC is a path to recovery.

June 12, 2014

Geez, not another "closure" meet up.... stupid, stupid, STUPID idea!

Okay, lets have the meet up right now.

1. When did she start losing feeling for you? YOU were boring, YOU didn't excite her anymore, YOU felt more like a roommate rather than a boyfriend, YOU didn't show her enough affection. YOU are a slob, YOU are unmotivated, YOU didn't take her out on dates anymore, YOU didn't make her feel loved. (note: which word in this paragraph is in caps?)

2. Did she cheat on you? Probably...but, she will NEVER admit that to you. She's not going to make herself the bad guy all of this. Even if you do find out that there's another guy, guarantee you that she'll tell you that he isn't the reason why you two broke up. Or that nothing happened until after the two of you broke up. (yeah...right)

3. How does she feel now, now that she's had some space? Apparently fine, considering that you broke up about a month ago with no contact from her at all. She defriended you on FB and probably most other forms of social media because there's something there she doesn't want you to see.

See, here's the thing. People set up these "closure" meet ups to get some real answers. But, the truth is, you're never going to get the real answers. The only thing you're going to get is a laundry list of things that YOU (see the caps?) did that caused the demise of the relationship. At this point, dumpee's sometimes try to bargain with promises that they'll change and try harder. But, dumpers aren't interested. The only reason dumpers agree to meet up is to put the blame on you and ease their guilt that they might have for dumping you.

So, ultimately, they walk away feeling better about the situation because they feel like NOW you really understand, and you pretty much feel like you got dumped for the second time and feeling worse than before!!

"Closure" meetups are stupid. If I were you, I would cancel and save yourself the heartache. This is only going to put you back in your healing.

June 12, 2014

Geez, not another "closure" meet up.... stupid, stupid, STUPID idea!

Okay, lets have the meet up right now.

1. When did she start losing feeling for you? YOU were boring, YOU didn't excite her anymore, YOU felt more like a roommate rather than a boyfriend, YOU didn't show her enough affection. YOU are a slob, YOU are unmotivated, YOU didn't take her out on dates anymore, YOU didn't make her feel loved. (note: which word in this paragraph is in caps?)

2. Did she cheat on you? Probably...but, she will NEVER admit that to you. She's not going to make herself the bad guy all of this. Even if you do find out that there's another guy, guarantee you that she'll tell you that he isn't the reason why you two broke up. Or that nothing happened until after the two of you broke up. (yeah...right)

3. How does she feel now, now that she's had some space? Apparently fine, considering that you broke up about a month ago with no contact from her at all. She defriended you on FB and probably most other forms of social media because there's something there she doesn't want you to see.

See, here's the thing. People set up these "closure" meet ups to get some real answers. But, the truth is, you're never going to get the real answers. The only thing you're going to get is a laundry list of things that YOU (see the caps?) did that caused the demise of the relationship. At this point, dumpee's sometimes try to bargain with promises that they'll change and try harder. But, dumpers aren't interested. The only reason dumpers agree to meet up is to put the blame on you and ease their guilt that they might have for dumping you.

So, ultimately, they walk away feeling better about the situation because they feel like NOW you really understand, and you pretty much feel like you got dumped for the second time and feeling worse than before!!

"Closure" meetups are stupid. If I were you, I would cancel and save yourself the heartache. This is only going to put you back in your healing.

This post should be pinned for anyone considering a "closure" meetup.

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Betrayed after 4 years..did she ever really love me? [updates]

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