SomethingStrange Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I'll get right to the point. Ive been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 3 and a half years now. However, over the last few months, my attraction for her disappeared. I became uninterested in sex (with her). I told her once 3 months ago, after which we tried to improve things. And they did, for only a short while. She noticed again something was up, and last week I told her that I again lack attraction to her. I still love her to bits, and feel very good being around her. I just completely lost interest romance/sex wise. I'm not being shallow. My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. She has not gained weight, nor had any notable changes to her appearance. All the worse, because it means I can't pinpoint why I'm not attracted to her anymore, and it leaves her in constant uncertainty. We've agreed that the attraction, the spark, needs to come back, but we're fully aware that we can not be sure, and I don't want to string her on so my question: Has anyone else experienced this? Did it get better? How did it get better? I'm at a loss here. I dont want to lose my girlfriend, nor she me. But when I can't fully commit, I feel bad maintaining the relationship. She would be devestated if we broke up. Thanks in advance.
FitChick Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Are you overweight yourself? That would cause low testosterone. Are you stressed or depressed outside of the relationship? If not, sounds like you are bored. Do you do the same things at the same time everyday? Not just sex. Take a ballroom dancing class together. Then you could go out more often dancing. Maybe if she cut or colored her hair differently, it would create a different persona. You could try role playing -- wigs, costumes. 1
Mrin Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 You're not on antidepressants are you? Those suckers will kill a libido. 1
MalachiX Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Why don't you take the initiative? One partner shouldn't be singled out in a relationship. My current GF started gaining weight right after we started dating (she'd been gaining slowly for a little while actually before we started). After about three months in, she weighed herself and totally panicked about how much she had gained. The gain had bothered me a bit but I tried not to say anything because we were so early in the relationship and I didn't want to hurt her feelings (and she's wonderful). She wanted to start exercising again so I pushed for us both to start working out again and encouraging each other. So far we've both seem some results (still have a long way to go); and doing it together is a great motivating factor. Sometimes I'm tempted to skip working out but then I remember that she's been good and I'm doing this for her as well as myself. It helps keep me motivated and vice versa. Now, you said that this isn't about weight gain but the same kind of strategy can go into other elements of attraction. You can start dressing a bit better for your girlfriend, try a new haircut, or think of new ways to have sex. If you put forth the effort to trying new things then she'll likely meet you half way. It's inevitable that things will get stale in the bedroom. The question becomes can you guys work together to freshen things up. People grow and change over time and you guys have to be willing to let your relationship and your sex life do the same. I don't know it will work but I think you're garunteed to fail if you're putting all the responsability for spicing things up on her (especially since you said she hasn't gotten less attractive). Also, take the other poster's advice and see about low testosterone, stress, or possible medication issues. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I'll get right to the point. Ive been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 3 and a half years now. However, over the last few months, my attraction for her disappeared. I became uninterested in sex (with her). I told her once 3 months ago, after which we tried to improve things. And they did, for only a short while. She noticed again something was up, and last week I told her that I again lack attraction to her. I still love her to bits, and feel very good being around her. I just completely lost interest romance/sex wise. I'm not being shallow. My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. She has not gained weight, nor had any notable changes to her appearance. All the worse, because it means I can't pinpoint why I'm not attracted to her anymore, and it leaves her in constant uncertainty. We've agreed that the attraction, the spark, needs to come back, but we're fully aware that we can not be sure, and I don't want to string her on so my question: Has anyone else experienced this? Did it get better? How did it get better? I'm at a loss here. I dont want to lose my girlfriend, nor she me. But when I can't fully commit, I feel bad maintaining the relationship. She would be devestated if we broke up. Thanks in advance. I have experienced this in reverse: I was no longer attracted to my boyfriend. We tried several things before I finally realized I was just not in love in anymore and saw him as a friend rather than a romantic partner. This happened around the 4-year mark. Just before our 5th anniversary, we split up. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't try. It sounds as though you both love each other and it's worth it. What happened in my case isn't the same for everyone. But I am advising you to consider that sometimes people grow apart and want different things. You can't force something that is no longer there. Just my two cents. 3
soccerrprp Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 ExpatInItaly, I agree with you. After reading the OP, I thought, "hmmm, this is not about physical attraction, rather, something else." I think the OP is or has fallen out of love with his gf. I would ask myself what has changed over the years? Believe me, something has changed and it is explainable. Priorities change? The relationship has become dull, uneventful?
BikerAccnt Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 (edited) Yeah, I agree with the others, something has changed. If you find yourself attracted to, and interested in sex with others (are you?), I'd say your feeling towards your gf have changed even if you don't realize it yet. This happened to me with my ex-wife. Though I still intellectually found her quite pretty, I no longer wanted to have sex with her. It was when I realized that I was finding myself attracted to women "less attractive" than my wife, and wondering what it would be like to have sex with them, that I realized it was a change in my feelings. It didn't happen all at once, but slowly over time. Examine your feelings/thoughts, step back, and take a good look. Edit- also, I don't know how old you are BUT, and this is a big BUT. If you don't want to lose your GF, and she doesn't want to lose you, Sex needn't be the determining factor. If you can both live with a lessened sexual relationship, things can still work if your truly still love one another. Sex isn't the be-all of relationships. It's very important, but believe me, there are plenty of people going around in relationships without sex that are fine with it. If it can work for you, it works. Edited May 16, 2014 by BikerAccnt 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Let me guess. OP has become attracted to someone else 1
mammasita Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Um, OP - did you bother to read ANY of the advice to the thread you posted in February? All good stuff - explains exactly why you're not attracted to her....might wanna check your memory http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/459092-i-love-my-girlfriend-but-not-attracted-her-anymore 2
soccerrprp Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I have to say, after reading the earlier post by the OP, it perturbs me that people come for advice and then disappear w/o providing any other information. According to his avatar, this is only his second post, but he has not bothered to give feedback. WTF? Going back to you FIRST post regarding how you are (again) not attracted your gf, hell ya she should be pissed about your drug use! People give this dumb excuse about how you should be like for who you are and not stay with someone who is trying to change you is a load of crap. If you're a drug user, an *********, yes you try to help change that person for the better. At the least, you don't tolerate it. Once you realize that things won't change, one should have the sense enough to get out before too much time has been wasted. OP, move on with someone else. Why a nearly identical post w/ no feedback from you is just curious to me. 1
Goldenbrwn Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Don't know all the details but from reading the other thread it sounds like a situation I was in before. I was with the girl almost 24/7 over years and all boundaries of personal space were gone when we were together. IE She might stay naked most of the day may not close the bathroom door no matter what is going on in there. I actually grew to enjoy the closeness but sex drive went down until there were periods where we were away from one another or where I wasn't seeing everything and had to wonder what her body looked like naked again.
topaMAXX Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I'll get right to the point. Ive been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 3 and a half years now. However, over the last few months, my attraction for her disappeared. I became uninterested in sex (with her). I told her once 3 months ago, after which we tried to improve things. And they did, for only a short while. She noticed again something was up, and last week I told her that I again lack attraction to her. I still love her to bits, and feel very good being around her. I just completely lost interest romance/sex wise. I'm not being shallow. My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. She has not gained weight, nor had any notable changes to her appearance. All the worse, because it means I can't pinpoint why I'm not attracted to her anymore, and it leaves her in constant uncertainty. We've agreed that the attraction, the spark, needs to come back, but we're fully aware that we can not be sure, and I don't want to string her on so my question: Has anyone else experienced this? Did it get better? How did it get better? I'm at a loss here. I dont want to lose my girlfriend, nor she me. But when I can't fully commit, I feel bad maintaining the relationship. She would be devestated if we broke up. Thanks in advance. It sounds like you're just bored. Also, you have feminine tendencies. Having "the spark" is a female thing. I don't believe that it's even real outside the female's head (other than the fact that it is perpetuated by the media). Sounds like you have a good woman. They are hard to come by so I wouldn't throw it away based on silly feelings. Have you seen a therapist?
man_in_the_box Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Going back to you FIRST post regarding how you are (again) not attracted your gf, hell ya she should be pissed about your drug use! Wow, easy there buddy. I think he said he only used MDMA a couple years ago once. You make it sound like he's getting daily whacked up on crack or meth or something...
Iguanna Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I became uninterested in sex (with her). Am I the only one who noticed this and read between the lines? Are you interested in sex with other girls maybe?
soccerrprp Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Wow, easy there buddy. I think he said he only used MDMA a couple years ago once. You make it sound like he's getting daily whacked up on crack or meth or something... Whether that is true or not, his gf was right to be pissed about it. It was unfortunate that she wasn't so forthright from the beginning. In the end, it's hardly about the drug use.
man_in_the_box Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 But she started bringing that issue up to bolster other arguments after it initially was talked through. How unfair is that? And it's definitely not a reason to give him a reprimanding speech like you just did.
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