JaySmith Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 (edited) Does everyone have to lie and keep secrets about matters big and small to make their marriage work? If so, how does it affect you? How do you deal with it? When I first got married I hoped that we could be completely honest and straight forward and that it would streghen us. Depending on the topic it did the complete opposite, caused resent, pain, and vengefulness. I learned that there had to be a boulance between honesty and lies, I don't like it, but I've become willing to accept that that's how it has to be. Edited May 16, 2014 by JaySmith
todreaminblue Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 (edited) Never been married but this “Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive” sir walter scott ever watched a stone sink in water after it is dropped in it displaces all the water around it ....same with lies......you tell one and then it just keeps displacing everything that you say or do and you have to remember exactly where that stone sank.....and where it sank isnt reality, isnt real, so what is real, becomes unreal, and it is hard to remember because it doesnt really exist......so you make up more surreal things to fit............not a way to live...... telling the truth is consistent and real it wont fade out or blur off because it is truth i also believe if what you say or want to say is cruel, unusual or hurtful to someone else you shouldnt be thinking it at all......let alone say it......like i think you look ugly in that, you disgust me or that makes you look like a heifer .....instead of thinking then saying hey babe that really doesnt suit you .........i think you look so pretty in blue or how about this tie with that suit i think it would look smart and fresh........ theres ways to say and do things and ways to not.......if you make someone uncomfortable to make you feel better and in the process really hurt someone you are selfish and singularly motivated....so in my experience peopel like this are immature in thought and deed.......its thoughtless and we all do it at one time or another but if you do it intentionally it becomes a problem that can really play havoc in a marriage or partnership............doesnt ever make it right to hurt soemone even if unintntionally.....and you really need to say sorry if you hurt someone........or that person will come to be believe you really dont give a stuff....... i dont think in a marriage it should be any different just because thy are stuck with you for a millenium doesnt mean it has to be unhappily stuck with a partner for anyone........i think you deserve exactly what you give in marriage if its truth with compassion and thoughtfulness ...rock on...ifs its deceit and callous disregard....yeah.....you shouldnt have gotten married in the first place...... your partner should be the one person you feel safe with pouring your heart out for them to see .....the one thing my heart holds and what all hearts do hold ....is honesty thats where your guilt sets in when you try to lie and it shadows a hearts happiness...my heart is not for just any guy.....that heart is for the guy i marry........that heart will never be intentionally deceitful or hurtful.....and if i make a mistake i prefer to just ask for forgiveness.....cop what i have to cop......for me to be happy again...i like to pay for things i buy......mistakes are bought by the person who makes them so you pay...makes sense to me anyway if you do something wrong you have to be forgiven.......so you face the consequences and you share the good with the bad.....all with honesty and respect for each other...... even if you disappoint your partner....deceit is worse....destruction is deceit ....deceit is destruction of a marriage in the making....my partners i have had, always tried to deceive me they thought by deceit they could stop from hurting me...it broke the relationships and i guarded my heart......till i could trust them again....i would not let them know if soemthing bad happened to me.....if someone abused me or made fun of me......i didnt feel comfortable showing my vulnerability....and i would make jokes of things and smile and laugh about different things instead of saying how i really felt...i became a soldier more or less....had to give them a harder me..........so i never married.....that is how i am though...deb Edited May 16, 2014 by todreaminblue
Priv Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Never married but I´ll chip in. There is a lot of academic research on lying, and even in marriage everyone lies to one degree or another. Not talking infidelity and other extremes but lies like ´this bag was on sale´ or ´was stuck in traffic´. In that sense the moralistic ´truth as holy grail´ is a bit hypocritical as anyone who claims they never lie is well... a liar. In relationships the number 1 reason for lying is due to the percieved unsafe environment to tell the truth. Create a non judgemental environment and lying should be less common. In that sense I think a relationship with trust issues and a lot of lying has bigger problems than the lies.
Downtown Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Does everyone have to lie and keep secrets about matters big and small to make their marriage work? ....I learned that there had to be a balance between honesty and lies....my wife has a mouth that can potentially provoke a fight....she would become deeply hurt and vengeful.... she has become hostile and demanding.Jay, you are describing some of the warning signs for a PD (personality disorder). Significantly, I'm NOT suggesting that your W has a full-blown disorder but, rather, that she might be exhibiting PD traits at an above-normal level. All PDs are called "spectrum disorders" because everyone has these traits to some degree. Some people have the traits at a moderate to strong level even though they are not so severe as to constitute the full-blown disorder. In your several threads, you describe your W as being occasionally very vengeful, confrontational, verbally abusive, hostile, jealous, insecure, controlling and demanding, and quick to throw a temper tantrum -- with the result that "when I speak I walk on egg shells." This description is concerning because these behavioral traits are some of the red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Indeed, the best-selling book on BPD (targeted to the abused spouses) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells. I therefore suggest you take a few minutes to look at my list of BPD red flags at 18 Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, you may want to read my more detailed description of them in Rebel's Thread. It that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Jay. 2
janedoe67 Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 There are various types of liars, from pathological to protector. I believe, after having learned some things the hard way, that honesty is best. However,there are some "honest" spouses who seriously need to work on their delivery. If abag is not on sale and I say it is, that is a lie. And why am I lying? Probably because a) we have agreed about the amount of purchases that need to be discussed or b) we are tight financially. So I am probably lying to cover up a broken agreement or because I know we really couldn't afford it. Both of those things are bad. If I am not really attracted to my spouse anymore because they have let themselves go and gotten lazy, I might lie to protect their feelings. Meanwhile they are getting lazier and my resentment is growing - also not good. I think there is some truth to making the environment safe for honestly. But I have to ask myself, bottom line, am I going to be honest because it is comfortable or because it is the RIGHT thing to do?
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