False reconciliation

[Poppy's sister]

How do you know if a WS is truely reconciling ?

If you reconciled how did you trust that this was really what your WS wanted ?

And if you suspected he or she was staying but wasn't committed , so was staying for finances, kids, fear etc....what did you do ?

How long did you carry on with this ?

 

I ask, because frankly I don't know who else to ask, I have been or am a WS and a BS, though my husband had and may well still be having an emotional possibly sexual affair with a man, and I am not overly upset or bothered greatly by this . My husband and I have never discussed the state of our marriage and I know deep down I want more , I am struggling with so many questions about my own affair and the possible outcomes, and what I should do myself.

 

I don't mean to upset or offend any one on here, I am genuinely curious as to how post affairs and post ddays, people reconciled or didn't, or knew .

 

Yes my affair continues despite his dday 15 months ago. And yes I oscillate between wanting to accuse him of cake eating ( but I am doing the same then ) and wanting to tell him to man up and make a decision .

 

I wonder how his BS cannot know , and then I think perhaps she does but she , like me, doesn't want to force a decision as we might lose what we do have .

 

I hope that the love shack community may just give me their experiences with this , to help me see what other people did and how long it took to come to their decisions

[snappytomcat]

for me our kids are grown,we have no debt,i can manage on my own he knows this,it wouldn't be easy,but it could be done.

but my xws,had to be transparent with everything,and he has and has honestly shown true remorse,he has answered all my questions even the ones he doesn't want to,and I can tell by his actions,and his words that this is what he wants for us to stay together,i on the other hand haven't promised him anything,except that I would try,and so far its been really good,hes trying his hardest to win my trust,and to make me feel safe again.

a couple of weeks ago he went out for the first time with the boys,i didn't know how I would feel about this,but I don't have a leash on him,and you know what?it was all good,they came back to our house and played cards and made a big mess,that was my only complaint.

I think we as woman have gut instincts,and my gut and his actions combined tell me hes remorseful.

my gut also told me he was up to something way before dday,I just didn't have any proof,thats why I couldn't act on it,cause everything I read,basically said I couldn't accuse without proof,and it was hard,cause I just wanted to straight out ask him,whick I kinda of did but he laughed it off,which made me more suspicious

[RightThere]

How do I know you are false reconciling?

 

Because YOU are still having an affair.How can you possibly think about blaming your husband for going through false reconciliation when that is exactly what you are doing?

 

You are basically breezing over the fact you are having an affair and wondering how to tell if your husband is committed to reconciling. You just need to look in the mirror before worrying about what your husband is thinking or doing.

[joanofark]

bottom line is everyone is lying and cheating on everyone. move on. arghh. i can't take it anymore. haha!

[Patna]

I guess my MM's wife doesn't know... Dday was in dec last yr. He told me we can never meet again, that he cannot be with me anymore etc immediately. We stayed very LC for the next 2 months. His wife blocked me on his FB, watsapp, phone etc. I have no means of contacting him, so it's always him that will unblock me on his watsapp or call me on his way to work and block me again on his way home. 2 months aft Dday, he told me things are more settled at home now (I guess he means his wife believes him more now?), so he still wish to be in my life.

 

He contacted me as much as before Dday, and we still talk for hours everyday. We don't go for dinners or drinks anymore after his work because his wife doesn't allows him to go out anymore. But he'll still swing by my place in the afternoon in between his free time at work.

 

Last month, i went cold turkey because I dun wish to continue the A anymore, and refused to have any more contact with him. But for 3 weeks, he still contacted me everyday even though I ignored him. Finally I caved in and we resumed contact again for the next 1.5 weeks, before I went LC again. I can see him trying harder to keep me in his life more than before once things cool down at home.

 

His wife stopped checking his mobile, probably because she really trust him that if she blocks me, I have no means to contact her husband. I guess he must had painted the picture that he wants nothing to do with me, and I'm the one pestering him? Well, I guessed I must had been thrown under the bus. But the sad truth was that he has been the one who always initiate contact persistently, especially after Dday when things are calmer at home. His wife also stopped tracking his whereabouts and no longer calls him constantly to check on him.

 

A few weeks after Dday he told me how his M is heading onto the right direction. They go for dinner dates like never before. He goes home straight after work and spend a lot of his time with her more than ever. He bought her a Gucci bag, expensive dinners, broke down in front of her crying, remorseful, etc. Well, 2 weeks later, he started that conversation of how he wants to continue to be in my life and care for me. Obviously, his wife must have been deceived about the R. He's a pretty good actor.

 

Well, as much as the wife is deceived, I guess I am too. In case you think he's trying to reconcile the A, he's not either. The ILYs and pet names stopped after Dday. He tries not to get so emotionally invested because he said it hurts when Dday happens and he has to detach away from me. He says he just cannot afford to hurt the people around us anymore. He says a lot of stuffs, but he just wouldn't let me go. He says things like he just wants to talk to me everyday, even without sex. But obviously I know he wants sex too. He says he cannot give me anymore promises, so he cannot tell me what he feels is love anymore. But he says I definitely means more than a friend and he don't want to lose me in his life. He just wants the best of both world, his wife as his main dish, and me as his dessert. I now see that, thus in the recent weeks, had been trying to let go of this toxic relationship. I'm sure as much as he could lie to his wife, he is lying to me as well. I woke up late.

 

His wife is deceived in the dark, while I'm deceived in the open. She had a fake reconciliation, I had a fake one too. All is hurt and damaged.

[purplesorrow]

I guess my MM's wife doesn't know... Dday was in dec last yr. He told me we can never meet again, that he cannot be with me anymore etc immediately. We stayed very LC for the next 2 months. His wife blocked me on his FB, watsapp, phone etc. I have no means of contacting him, so it's always him that will unblock me on his watsapp or call me on his way to work and block me again on his way home. 2 months aft Dday, he told me things are more settled at home now (I guess he means his wife believes him more now?), so he still wish to be in my life.

 

He contacted me as much as before Dday, and we still talk for hours everyday. We don't go for dinners or drinks anymore after his work because his wife doesn't allows him to go out anymore. But he'll still swing by my place in the afternoon in between his free time at work.

 

Last month, i went cold turkey because I dun wish to continue the A anymore, and refused to have any more contact with him. But for 3 weeks, he still contacted me everyday even though I ignored him. Finally I caved in and we resumed contact again for the next 1.5 weeks, before I went LC again. I can see him trying harder to keep me in his life more than before once things cool down at home.

 

His wife stopped checking his mobile, probably because she really trust him that if she blocks me, I have no means to contact her husband. I guess he must had painted the picture that he wants nothing to do with me, and I'm the one pestering him? Well, I guessed I must had been thrown under the bus. But the sad truth was that he has been the one who always initiate contact persistently, especially after Dday when things are calmer at home. His wife also stopped tracking his whereabouts and no longer calls him constantly to check on him.

 

A few weeks after Dday he told me how his M is heading onto the right direction. They go for dinner dates like never before. He goes home straight after work and spend a lot of his time with her more than ever. He bought her a Gucci bag, expensive dinners, broke down in front of her crying, remorseful, etc. Well, 2 weeks later, he started that conversation of how he wants to continue to be in my life and care for me. Obviously, his wife must have been deceived about the R. He's a pretty good actor.

 

Well, as much as the wife is deceived, I guess I am too. In case you think he's trying to reconcile the A, he's not either. The ILYs and pet names stopped after Dday. He tries not to get so emotionally invested because he said it hurts when Dday happens and he has to detach away from me. He says he just cannot afford to hurt the people around us anymore. He says a lot of stuffs, but he just wouldn't let me go. He says things like he just wants to talk to me everyday, even without sex. But obviously I know he wants sex too. He says he cannot give me anymore promises, so he cannot tell me what he feels is love anymore. But he says I definitely means more than a friend and he don't want to lose me in his life. He just wants the best of both world, his wife as his main dish, and me as his dessert. I now see that, thus in the recent weeks, had been trying to let go of this toxic relationship. I'm sure as much as he could lie to his wife, he is lying to me as well. I woke up late.

 

His wife is deceived in the dark, while I'm deceived in the open. She had a fake reconciliation, I had a fake one too. All is hurt and damaged.

 

You have what I wish I had as a bw, the truth. Use that for the gift that it is. You know him to be a liar and a deceiver because you have witnessed him do those things to his wife. You have a view of this his wife doesn't. I would run for the hills!

[Owl]

OP...I don't get it. You want to rattle his cage for doing things wrong...and yet simultaneously admit that you do the same things wrong.

 

No offense...but that's straight hypocrisy.

 

Focus on fixing your own stuff...the stuff in the scope of your control.

 

Clean your own house before you worry about the state of his (or his wife's).

[gettingstronger]

I think your time would be better spent on figuring out what the rest of your life will look like than worrying about his wife- you have all the info you need-it does not matter what she knows or doesn't know- for whatever reason he is not leaving her- I am unsure if you are hoping she finds out again and leaves him, but thats not a good way to direct your own life-focus on you and best of luck!

[EverySunset]

hmmmm how CAN you tell if your H is in false R? I dunno that's the only R I ever had. His lips are moving?

 

I guess I should call one of my STBXH exgirlfriends. They knew everything lol

 

sorry to be glib. I'm a bit irreverent at the moment.