hope_Less Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 (edited) I am dating this guy online for almost 6 months now. We started as friends until eventually it lead to and LDR. We were so close and we skype almost everyday the beginning of the relationship was ecstasy. As we go along I learned so many things about him and his family. Unfortunately his family was disfunctional. His mom drinks a lot and so as his stepdad who also do drugs. He aswell smoke weed abd drinks too but not so often as far as I know. His mom and stepdad are no longer emotionally attached but stayed for years together because of their business and hia older brothers. My boyfriend always babysit fighting and drunk adults almost everynight. On our 2nd month my boyfriend went to jail for overspeeding(atleast thats what he tells me)i was disappointed with it and kind of turned off a bit. Not long after that he went to jail again because he got pulled over and saw some weed in his car. It was horrible. I broke up with him because i just couldnt talk it. Weeks after he begged for me as I was the only person keeping him sane. Since I love him I took him back and he promised he wont go back tp jail anymore. I believed in him as I felt some changes in him. One night his step dad was superdrunk and under drugs broke the glasses of his car and ended beating the stepdad so bad. He ran away and his stepdad went to jail and he got away with it. Again it was a disppointment to me but i stood there and never left him still. The stepdad was on jail for almost a month as his mother Also got a restraning order for his stepdad. He was taking chances and working to raise money he can use to pay his pending warrants and tickets. Soon enough he found out his mom was cheating on his stepdad. He caught her with his stepdad's bestfriend. His family was a mess and him as the eldest had to bear with all these. He kept on his vises, drinking and smoking. We wer constantly fighting about it as he finds more comfort in weed and alchohol than me. I never failed to remins him about these things. Two days ago his stepdad finally got out and they talked and started seeing each other. Lastnight he went out with his stepdad got super drunk and he drove the car and both of them got into a wreck. His stepdad who just got out from jail went to the hospital and my boyfriend once again went to jail. Im so fed up already, i tried my best to help him out and his desire to change was there. But he is being defeated by these people around him who drags him in trouble. His mom does not have any plan to bail him out and will probly stay in jail for a while. What shall I do when he gets out? What do I need to tell? How will I break up with him? I kmow this has to end. But I love him and i do want him to learn how do I break up letting him feel im always going to be a friend who will keep encouraging him. I still want him back one day provided that he is alrwady better than this. He is polluted with his parents wrong and poor choices in life. And i feel so bad and sorry about him. He finds happiness in me and he makes me happy too. But he keeps breaking my heart by going back to jail again and again and keep breaking his promises. Please guide me on how i can deal with this. He is 18 and im few years older than him. And as much as possible i still want us to be together in the end but he need to be responsible and clean. I never want my future with him to be as bad as his family right now. Do you think it will be the same if I end up with this guy? Hope-less! Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 he is only 18 years old but his future already looks bleak. yes he comes from a bad home & doesn't have good role models but it is not your responsibility to provide those for him, especially if you are only a few years older than him. Based on your post I am assuming your relationship is only on line & you haven't met IRL but that doesn't matter so much. This guy is bad news. He's making bad choices that land him in legal trouble. As a GF you can't help. He needs a 12 step program and he needs to want to change. You don't seem strong enough to only be his friend & not continue to convince yourself that you love him. Without meeting him, you can't know that & since you are young too I would encourage you to re-evaluate your choices. What kind of future do you really see with a repeat offender? It will me more & more substance abuse, no steady income, drama from the family & no steady income. Any savings you do amass will be spent on bail, lawyers, fines & wrecked cars. That's no life. Perhaps some day he will grow up but not in your immediate future. You need to send him one final e-mail explaining that he has broken too many promises & this isn't working out for you. Wish him well but then step away from your computer & get out there to spend time with people you can see in real life who don't have this many problems.
Author hope_Less Posted May 15, 2014 Author Posted May 15, 2014 You are so right. I just feel bad because I feel the only way he could be inspired is to be with normal people like me. I stayed for a long time because of my willingnes to help and I feel devastated because all my efforts went to nothing. I cannot save him.and he cannot save himself either. It hurts, it really does. And you wer right infact he is not dome paging his old warrants yet and now here comes another.. Totally heartbreaking.
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 At this point you walking away may some day show him what he is missing by making bad choices but that won't be any time soon. Save yourself. 1
Author hope_Less Posted May 16, 2014 Author Posted May 16, 2014 Yes thank you that i have to do.. Its gona be difficult. But if keep taking him back, the message he'l getbis: its okay to mess up and break my promises to her because she will always be there, ready to take me back when i beg her to. So tendency he'll abuse my generous heart just like whats happening and he'll keep messing up his life and mine too. It defeats the purpose of rehabilitating him. This is really tough for me mam. doing the right thing is harder than tolerating a mistake.
Author hope_Less Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 I wrote something a whileaback about me and this LDR and problems I have with this guy. It has been a week since he went to jail. This morning I saw his mom posted a photo of him. He just got out and right after I saw it my heart started beating so fast. I became so nervous. And my tears started falling. I wrote this long letter for him and left it on his facebook. I tried so hard to focus on other things but he keeps crossing my mind everyday almost all the time. I get chestpains so much for days and nights.. I hate how much I feel for him. I haven't heard anything from him at all since and now that he is out he never tried to reach out. What can I do? Please tell me something that will help me get thru this.
Mr.Pine Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Please tell me something that will help me get thru this. When he gets released from prison, he'll like boys more than girls.
Author hope_Less Posted May 20, 2014 Author Posted May 20, 2014 I wrote something a whileaback about me and this LDR thing I have with this guy. It has been a week since he went to jail. This morning I saw his mom posted a photo of him. He just got out and right after I saw it my heart started beating so fast. I became so nervous. And my tears started falling. I wrote this long letter for him and left it on his facebook. I tried so hard to focus on other things but he keeps crossing my mind everyday almost all the time. I get chestpains so much for days and nights.. I hate how much I feel for him. I haven't heard anything from him at all since and now that he is out he never tried to reach out. What can I do? Please tell me something that will help me get thru this.
adultsliketoys Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 Hope_less, I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds to me from what you said below like your love borders on obsession. Love should be about sharing each other's lives, not being in a state where all you can think about is them. True love is sharing your world with another, not making them the center of your world. I have been there (making someone else the center of my world) and all it did was bring me heartache too. It was my own insecurities that brought me to that however. I felt in my own heart that I wasn't deserving of love, so I would do anything to hang onto to whomever I was with and go crazy if they weren't paying enough attention to me. It wasn't about them, it was about me. It took me 3 years of therapy to realize that I deserved better than to be obsessed with my other half and once I got there within my own world, my entire outlook on life changed. I now don't depend on the person I am with for my happiness. I can be happy on my own. We share each other's world, but we aren't the center of each other's world. We are perfectly okay doing things as individuals as well as together. Okay, I'll get off my soap box now. My recommendation is to occupy your time doing things to make yourself happy, don't worry about him. If it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, then it won't. You can't obsess over it as it will only make you miserable.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 20, 2014 Posted May 20, 2014 I wrote something a whileaback about me and this LDR thing I have with this guy. It has been a week since he went to jail. This morning I saw his mom posted a photo of him. He just got out and right after I saw it my heart started beating so fast. I became so nervous. And my tears started falling. I wrote this long letter for him and left it on his facebook. I tried so hard to focus on other things but he keeps crossing my mind everyday almost all the time. I get chestpains so much for days and nights.. I hate how much I feel for him. I haven't heard anything from him at all since and now that he is out he never tried to reach out. What can I do? Please tell me something that will help me get thru this. Delete him from FB immediately. It will only prolong your healing. There doesn't seem to be anything there, relationship-wise. Cut contact; this guy is no good for you. I say that not only because there's a criminal record, but also because your own investment in this is unhealthy. Nobody should be causing you chest pains and anxiety - it isn't normal. What was he in jail for?
Author hope_Less Posted May 21, 2014 Author Posted May 21, 2014 Thank you.. And guess ypu were right. I allowed myself to make my world revolved on him and him alone. I always think about him and always do things for him. Always him, him, him... ANd everytime he mess up with his life he end up messing up my life too. I focused so much on him, things that makes him happym, whats good for him and all that and everytime he do something I get really hit that bad. All I got was less of what I have given, pains I nevwr deserved. I guess i is high time to focus on myself at this point. Anf thank you so much that finally I woke up from that nightmare.. Eversince we met he's always been in trouble with the law. Month after month he would go to jail with different violations. One time he got caught carrying marijuana but recently he was so drunk along with his stepdad who is also a drug user and alchoholic. He drove the car and they both got into a wreck. I just got tired putting up with everything. It was so toxic. Altho I am still hurting but I already started going no contact. I closed my facebook account because i also do not want to be tempted to visit his page and get to see something that would hurt me even more. So far I am consistent of not contacting him. I blocked him from everything so I wont get a call or text from him. I am going thru a hard time but I know this too shall pass..
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