Argued with my girlfriend about splitting rent

[Phoe]

LOL that is absolute garbage.

 

My boyfriend makes 4 times more money than me, but we have already established that rent and utilities will be split 50/50 in our future place, and we have also already established that we will only live in a place where even though i make drastically less than him, if he were to (god forbid) get laid off or come into financial trouble, emergency or something, that my income alone would still be enough to fully pay rent and utilities and still leave enough for food.

 

 

Both parties ought to go into a situation like this fully prepared to not only take on 50/50 responsibility, but be confident in knowing that they could pay 100% if it was needed.

 

 

Only taking 1/3 of the responsibility based on principle, a stupid principle at that, shows that she's definitely got some priorities very wrong.

[salparadise]

Some girls DO view being cared for financially as a way a man shows love, and it doesn't necessarily mean she is a gold digger.

 

Yea, but this is holdover from a time when men worked and women did not, or when a man makes some multiple of the money the woman can earn. In this relationship their incomes are the same.

 

So let's think about it from the flip side... if they earn the same and he pays 2/3 of the rent, and presumably the lion's share of other expenses as well under the "cared for financially equals love" clause, then what is the eventual result? She will end up with a big fat bank account that she feels entitled to control as she pleases and he ends up with little.

 

This means she will end up with all of the power in the relationship –– when it's time to buy a car, a house, or vacation, he'll have to convince her to dip into the kitty. Even if she readily agrees, it's going to be her decision, not his. And when it comes to making selections, it's going be her wielding the subtle (or perhaps not so subtle) advantage of controlling the cash and him having to go along with it simply because he doesn't have the same economic power that she does... because he agreed to "be the man." How ironic is that?

 

I could probably see the logic in paying rent proportionately based on percentage of income so that both end up with a share of the expendable income, but in this case that still comes out to a 50/50 split.

 

Stand your ground man––this deal she wants is equivalent to you paying her to be your girlfriend.

[Keenly]

Yea, but this is holdover from a time when men worked and women did not, or when a man makes some multiple of the money the woman can earn. In this relationship their incomes are the same.

 

So let's think about it from the flip side... if they earn the same and he pays 2/3 of the rent, and presumably the lion's share of other expenses as well under the "cared for financially equals love" clause, then what is the eventual result? She will end up with a big fat bank account that she feels entitled to control as she pleases and he ends up with little.

 

This means she will end up with all of the power in the relationship –– when it's time to buy a car, a house, or vacation, he'll have to convince her to dip into the kitty. Even if she readily agrees, it's going to be her decision, not his. And when it comes to making selections, it's going be her wielding the subtle (or perhaps not so subtle) advantage of controlling the cash and him having to go along with it simply because he doesn't have the same economic power that she does... because he agreed to "be the man." How ironic is that?

 

I could probably see the logic in paying rent proportionately based on percentage of income so that both end up with a share of the expendable income, but in this case that still comes out to a 50/50 split.

 

Stand your ground man––this deal she wants is equivalent to you paying her to be your girlfriend.

 

 

 

then when they break up, she's set financially because she's been using this guy to take care of her and meanwhile he is in the poorhouse .

[stillafool]

Some girls DO view being cared for financially as a way a man shows love, and it doesn't necessarily mean she is a gold digger.

 

.

 

But wouldn't anyone? Including a man?

[beach]

Anywhere else she moves she'd be expected to pay her equal share!

 

She seems to have a sense of entitlement that you need to take care of her.

 

She should learn to take care of HERSELF first.

 

It's a great life lesson for anyone!

[Rig88]

It's 2014! There's really no shame in paying 50/50 nowadays. It's only fair, especially if you're both earning the same amounts. You said in the post that she mentioned you haven't 'invested' enough in the relationship. You need to be careful in case there are other problems in the relationship , you don't want to fall into the trap of throwing money at the situation.

[beach]

I suppose an argument is a designated way for her to get you to do it her way.

 

It sucks - because it's manipulative.

[Ruby Slippers]

Maybe he pays all the rent, and she pays utilities and buys groceries (which is a more domestic, traditionally feminine-feeling expenditure) and puts some money into joint savings to the point where it is equal. Or maybe part of her contribution is through housework and cooking. Or maybe you pool all the money into a joint account, give each of you an "allowance" out of the pool to spend on what you want, and just pay the bills out of the account.

Yes, good point. Since she is being totally explicit about what she expects from you in the financial and traditionally masculine arena, I recommend discussing with her what her contributions will be in the traditionally feminine arena. With you paying 2/3 of the rent, will she do 2/3 of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.? Does that feel like a fair arrangement to you, or are you only comfortable with a perfect 50/50 split on all matters of finances and the household?

 

An old friend of mine and I are discussing being housemates for 6-12 months so we can both cut down on expenses. She has more money than time and hates to cook, and I love to cook, so she said she'll pay more than half of the household expenses if I'll do all of the grocery shopping and cooking for both of us.

[salparadise]

I recommend discussing with her what her contributions will be in the traditionally feminine arena. With you paying 2/3 of the rent, will she do 2/3 of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.?

 

And don't forget about the traditionally male chores when balancing the load... car maintenance and repairs, appliance repairs, lawn mowing, gutter cleaning, unclogging/repairing toilets, painting, carrying/moving heavy stuff, etc.

 

My ex-W somehow rationalized that those things didn't count as part of the 50/50 expectation on household chores. And it drove her absolutely nuts that I could clean a bathroom in 15 minutes when it took her an hour or more (depending on how bad her OCD was on any given day).

 

She was also a firm believer in the "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is ours" system of economic division... which is about what the OPs girl is proposing it seems.

[Phoe]

And don't forget about the traditionally male chores when balancing the load... car maintenance and repairs, appliance repairs, lawn mowing, gutter cleaning, painting, carrying/moving heavy stuff, etc.

 

I've never understood how painting falls under the man's work.

 

 

I love painting. Whenever a friend of mine is moving somewhere new and needs help painting, I volunteer enthusiastically!

 

 

My dad, uncle, and grandpa built my parent's house, and my mom painted it.

 

 

In fact, I can't think of a single woman I know who hasn't painted. All the women I know are happy to paint when paint time comes. Cause it doesn't happen often.

 

 

Most people don't have lawns out here, but I'd love to mow a lawn. I've never mowed one before, cause there just aren't lawns around!

[Smilecharmer]

I'm not sure about this. Yes it isn't fair but think about how difficult it would be for you to find a new girlfriend versus her finding a new boyfriend.

 

I pay for almost everything in our relationship, but that's partly because my girlfriend doesn't have an income. I think I'd still be inclined to pay for most of our expenses even if she did though. 2/3 doesn't sound like a bad deal to me but I don't know your relationship dynamics or income levels.

Then you aren't equals...you are her sugar daddy.

[Potz4prez]

Does that count as paying for sex?

[DArtagnan2]

I think it all depends on the two individuals involved when it comes to moving in together and who takes on what expenses. With my ex, at first she moved in to my apt, so the only thing I asked she pay for was food. When we had moved out East, everything was more expensive, so the fact I paid for the move, was starting a new job and getting settled, I asked she take on the utilities along with food, and I paid the rent. I still paid $400+ more then her per month, but it was my decision because my mentality was this is a long term relationship and I am the guy in that relationship. My mentality about relationships could be more about being raised by my grandmother and those things she instilled in me.

 

Regardless, this day and age has changed since my grandmother was first moving in with someone. Things aren't so traditional, depending on where you live. Also depending on where you live, times are tougher and most times, not ALL times, the woman and man make about the same pay. Or they both have to pay because neither of them make enough to support the other.

 

All that said because I can see both points. Where she is of a traditional mindset and you are more of a "WTF this is the year 2014, we split everything." Maybe you can leave it with her paying a third but she takes on the food or a utility bill.

 

This isn't that big of a deal, certainly not to where someone should "make someone pay" for days. If thats the case, you may want take a step back before even moving in. how people act or handle situations is a good indicator of their character. If this takes out most of the spokes in her tire, then can you imagine if something more crucial or serious were to happen between you two?

 

just sayin..

[veggirl]

Ask her what she'll do with the money she saves by paying less rent. And ask her how is it fair to you that she will end up with a fatter bank account at your expense? Damn 3 months in, most people are still on their "best behavior"....if this is her best then you are in for a wild ride.

 

You sound very desperate telling her "I'll pay whatever you want!"

 

Please get some perspective, this is a chick you've known for 3 months and she is showing you how she is, do you like it?

[MissBee]

Hi ladies and gents. This is my first time posting a thread on this website, so bear with me if I'm not following any protocols. My girlfriend of 3 months and I got into an argument after we discussed how we would split the rent if we moved in together.

 

On the phone, she was the first to propose that she pay just 1/3 of the total rent, while I, the guy, pay 2/3 of the total rent. Considering that we both earn the same income, I was just taken by surprise that she didn't propose a 50-50 split. But after she said she would pay just 1/3 of the rent, I told her I was worried that she might be taking advantage of me. I didn't care about the money. After I said that, she told me she was upset and hurt that I wasn't invested enough in the relationship to overlook that difference. Then, I apologized to her and told her I'd pay whatever amount she proposed. But now, she is still struggling to get over the fact that I would even argue with her about paying more rent, since I am the man and she is the lady.

 

Can you guys please give me your honest unbiased opinion? Am I wrong for questioning why she should pay just 1/3 of the rent even though we earn the same income? Or is she being a little unreasonable, especially since I was willing to apologize and give in to what she proposed?

 

:/

 

 

I don't think you all should be moving in together frankly.

 

I say give it more time and also this whole rent splitting fiasco is also showing you that maybe you need more time to figure out your financial styles as a couple before you move in together and tie up your finances.

 

If I moved in with my bf we would split the rent 50-50. My bf makes more money than I do so if he volunteered to pay a little more because of that I'd appreciate it, but certainly wouldn't expect neither demand it. I'd look at the rent situation with a bf as I would a roommate, we both pay half regardless. If we're married it would be different though and we'd discuss how to divvy up expenses based on our incomes. But it is absurd IMO for her to expect you to pay more "because you're a man" when you have the same income.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think some people are being too judgmental of this girl's preferences on the matter. She's telling him what they are right up front, rather than hiding her true intentions and surprising him with them later. That's why people date - to find out whether they're compatible on these matters, whether it makes sense to merge their lives into one household.

 

The vast majority of couples around the world still operate with men contributing more financially and women contributing more in the way of running the household and raising the kids. Even in the most modern societies where women can pursue any career and income level they want, women generally still favor men who can provide more financially than they can.

[ThatMan]

You really believe the crux of the problem is how we judge preferences, huh?

 

Creating arguments to take a jab at somebody else to get things done your way isn't a preference. Her attempts to make him feel bad for expressing his concern is called manipulation.

Edited May 16, 2014 by ThatMan

[georgecostanza]

I think some people are being too judgmental of this girl's preferences on the matter. She's telling him what they are right up front, rather than hiding her true intentions and surprising him with them later. That's why people date - to find out whether they're compatible on these matters, whether it makes sense to merge their lives into one household.

 

The vast majority of couples around the world still operate with men contributing more financially and women contributing more in the way of running the household and raising the kids. Even in the most modern societies where women can pursue any career and income level they want, women generally still favor men who can provide more financially than they can.

 

You're referring to relationships where the man earns more, in which case it is more reasonable to pay more of the rent. This isn't the case for the OP, it's not comparable and your argument is invalid. Not to mention archaic, self-defeating, and serving only to perpetuate outdated gender stereotypes. Well done.

[Tayla]

I'm 99% on board with Phoes' way of money management in relationships. 50/50. With the exception of personal expenses. Personal things were : clothing, club memberships, bathroom items,car insurance/car payment/family gifts/donations/medical bills/ entertainment (movies/dinners out etc), vacations. The personal things are 100% the responsiblity of the person and not the roomie.

 

Oddly it has Little to do with gender and everything to do with maintaining independent management in an inter-personal relationship. It can be done!

[FitChick]

Until you are married, I'd strongly advise against joint savings or joint expense account. It's too easy for one person to clean the other out.

 

If both people make the same amount, then splitting everything is fair. If they decide, as someone upthread mentioned, that one person does all the housework or all the cooking, then the other should pay extra or hire someone to do the jobs.

 

If one person makes much more than the other, expenses should be split by percentage of income. I wouldn't live in a hovel, which was all I could afford, if my boyfriend could afford a nice apartment or house. If anything happened to him and we couldn't afford the place, we'd move to a hovel. Why be a martyr?

 

OP should tell his girlfriend they will revisit the topic when they've been dating a year. Is she planning to return to China at some point?

[mummyjonno]

I think some people are being too judgmental of this girl's preferences on the matter. She's telling him what they are right up front, rather than hiding her true intentions and surprising him with them later. That's why people date - to find out whether they're compatible on these matters, whether it makes sense to merge their lives into one household.

 

The vast majority of couples around the world still operate with men contributing more financially and women contributing more in the way of running the household and raising the kids. Even in the most modern societies where women can pursue any career and income level they want, women generally still favor men who can provide more financially than they can.

 

But they aren't married and they don't have children.

 

If they did sure, him contributing more is reasonable as maybe she would be raising children and working part time, or as in my case I quit working (when married) to raise our children and he paid for everything.

 

However she has no reason not to work, she has no reason not to pay 50% of the joint expenses and pay her own separate expenses.

 

There is absolutely no excuse in this situation for her not to fully pay her own way. She's already doing it in her own place so why does she get the right to pay the lesser half just because she's not alone?

 

Op - you shouldn't be moving in together, I would say alike fitchick visit it later in your relationship. As it stands your moral values are clashing already.

Edited May 16, 2014 by mummyjonno

[PegNosePete]

I'm with Ruby on this. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. You can't change other people's behaviour or values, only how you react to them. In this case, my reaction to her stating her preference of paying less despite having equal incomes, would not be a positive one. But what right do I have to tell her to change her values? I can either accept them, negotiate with them, or find someone whose values I respect.

[Ruby Slippers]

However she has no reason... not to pay 50% of the joint expenses...

I think the reason is cultural conditioning. She believes that a man providing more financially is an essential quality of a mature, invested guy who is serious about her. Standard belief in her culture, and many other more traditional cultures.

 

Cultural conditioning is, by the way, the same reason you and most others in this thread are insisting that a 50/50 split is the only fair solution. I guarantee you that if you grew up in China, you would have a different point of view.

[Potz4prez]

If she was basing this off of cultural conditioning, she wouldn't move in with him until they are married.

 

"Cultural conditioning" is just a poor excuse.

[KaliLove]

The original post said if they move in together..not that they are moving in together..just to clear up some confusion. I think the discussion was hypothetical.

 

For the record, I agree with those who say she should be paying an equal share. It's ridiculous that two people who earn the same amount of money can't split expenses equally. I get that there's a cultural difference, but OP, you should stand your ground and not give in so easily. Why do you need to bend to her will and go bankrupt in the process?