Argued with my girlfriend about splitting rent

May 15, 2014

My girlfriend of 3 months and I got into an argument after we discussed how we would split the rent if we moved in together.

Why on earth are you even thinking about moving in with someone you've known for 3 months?

Bad, bad, terrible idea!

Keep dating and learn more about this woman and her character. It may soon enough become clear why she thinks she's entitled to pay less rent than you do.

May 15, 2014

First off, 3 months is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too soon to move in together, IMO.

Secondly, no, if you don't want to pay more, then you shouldn't. If her beliefs clash with yours, you're not compatible, so time to move on. Plus I agree with Ruby, it's incredibly entitled for her to even ask for that, let alone insist.

Just out of curiousity, whose idea was it to move in together after just three months, in the first place?

May 15, 2014

It's pretty rude of her to only offer 1/3 of the rent rather than 50%.

However you handled it pretty badly. Accusing her of taking advantage of you is totally the WRONG thing to say. Much better to simply say "why not 50%? We have equal incomes, equal outgoings and will both enjoy equal usage of the property" - and DON'T back down!

But yeah she sounds like she's pretty manipulative and wants you to support her. "What's yours is mine and what's mine's mine" - not a good attitude. Alarm bells would be ringing for me, this is not a good sign for the future of the relationship.

May 15, 2014

She is not a woman who believes in 50-50 partnerships.

I have been trying to accept that most women are like this and for me it helps make it a little less of a turnoff to think of it in terms of what it would look like in a world without money.

If you do end up paying 2/3 of the rent I think you should let her know

you expect her to take care of the household meals 5 nights out of 7 since those are the type of roles she is going for. Make sure she doesn't just try to take the good without the bad or else she will just be walking all over you and end up making you both miserable.

Still this is definitely a sign of things to come so if you really want one of those very rare women that actually believe in 50 50 partnership and real equality you may want to look elsewhere.

Hi ladies and gents. This is my first time posting a thread on this website, so bear with me if I'm not following any protocols. My girlfriend of 3 months and I got into an argument after we discussed how we would split the rent if we moved in together.

On the phone, she was the first to propose that she pay just 1/3 of the total rent, while I, the guy, pay 2/3 of the total rent. Considering that we both earn the same income, I was just taken by surprise that she didn't propose a 50-50 split. But after she said she would pay just 1/3 of the rent, I told her I was worried that she might be taking advantage of me. I didn't care about the money. After I said that, she told me she was upset and hurt that I wasn't invested enough in the relationship to overlook that difference. Then, I apologized to her and told her I'd pay whatever amount she proposed. But now, she is still struggling to get over the fact that I would even argue with her about paying more rent, since I am the man and she is the lady.

Can you guys please give me your honest unbiased opinion? Am I wrong for questioning why she should pay just 1/3 of the rent even though we earn the same income? Or is she being a little unreasonable, especially since I was willing to apologize and give in to what she proposed?

:/

May 15, 2014

move on!!! she sounds like a total gold digger. unless she has some VERY good reasons for suggesting that uneven split, and is SUPER grateful that youre doing it... run

May 15, 2014

I'm not for the writing of checks to one another to make it all even each month.

In my past relationships I either paid for most of the expenses relating to the household or I paid for some big items, like the rent and she paid for the utilities bills.

I think the whole 50/50 down to the dollar every month detracts from the relationship.

Why not you pay the rent and she pay the utilities or something like that where you don't have to write checks to each other every month to square it ?

So what if it isn't 50/50.. 60/40 or whatever is close enough in my mind..

the other thing to consider is that if you do it 50/50 then you also have to put in 50/50 in the household chores without complaining

May 15, 2014

Tell her you wouldn't mind if she does 70% of the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. After all, that's the way girls show they are committed right?

May 15, 2014

I'm not for the writing of checks to one another to make it all even each month.
In my past relationships I either paid for most of the expenses relating to the household or I paid for some big items, like the rent and she paid for the utilities bills.

I think the whole 50/50 down to the dollar every month detracts from the relationship.

Why not you pay the rent and she pay the utilities or something like that where you don't have to write checks to each other every month to square it ?

So what if it isn't 50/50.. 60/40 or whatever is close enough in my mind..
the other thing to consider is that if you do it 50/50 then you also have to put in 50/50 in the household chores without complaining

So he is going to pay, for rough estimates, $1,000 dollars a month, leaving him near broke depending on how good his job is, and she is going to pay about 250 MAX for utilities?

Yeah, no.

May 15, 2014

I'm not sure about this. Yes it isn't fair but think about how difficult it would be for you to find a new girlfriend versus her finding a new boyfriend.

I pay for almost everything in our relationship, but that's partly because my girlfriend doesn't have an income. I think I'd still be inclined to pay for most of our expenses even if she did though. 2/3 doesn't sound like a bad deal to me but I don't know your relationship dynamics or income levels.

Whatever you do OP, don't listen to this advice.

50-50 is the way to go and do not ever let anyone take advantage of you. You will regret it long term because a woman that uses you will always lose respect for you in the end.

May 15, 2014

I'm not for the writing of checks to one another to make it all even each month.
In my past relationships I either paid for most of the expenses relating to the household or I paid for some big items, like the rent and she paid for the utilities bills.

I think the whole 50/50 down to the dollar every month detracts from the relationship.

Why not you pay the rent and she pay the utilities or something like that where you don't have to write checks to each other every month to square it ?

So what if it isn't 50/50.. 60/40 or whatever is close enough in my mind..
the other thing to consider is that if you do it 50/50 then you also have to put in 50/50 in the household chores without complaining

Yes 50/50 all the way. The advice I gave my sister was to open a shared account and put equal amount of money into it and pay everything from there. It becomes obvious veeeery quickly how financially responsible both parties are.

You do the woman a favour by not infantilising her, by the way. She isn't a child, she should share equal responsibility for finances.

May 15, 2014

Yes it isn't fair but think about how difficult it would be for you to find a new girlfriend versus her finding a new boyfriend.

I pay for almost everything in our relationship, but that's partly because my girlfriend doesn't have an income. I think I'd still be inclined to pay for most of our expenses even if she did though. 2/3 doesn't sound like a bad deal to me but I don't know your relationship dynamics or income levels.

I'm on board with the majority 1) 3 months is too soon to move in 2) she's manipulative in the way she's handled this and that's a red flag as in what's ahead 3) by appeasing and condoning to this, you're conditioning yourself into being p**** whipped 4) a relationship so very new -- yes a 50/50 request is VERY fair and reasonable on your part.

Edited May 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory comment

May 15, 2014

Thanks for the replies guys. I asked her to ask her girlfriends how couples are supposed to split the rent, and her friends are actually siding with her on this. They believe guys should pay a larger portion of the rent. Please note that she grew up in China but came here for college, so maybe it is a cultural difference?

Regardless, I am definitely not moving in with her at this point. I'm going to have a talk with her.

May 15, 2014

Well then tell her it's 51/49 - then she has her 'gender' advantage.

May 15, 2014

Thanks for the replies guys. I asked her to ask her girlfriends how couples are supposed to split the rent, and her friends are actually siding with her on this. They believe guys should pay a larger portion of the rent. Please note that she grew up in China but came here for college, so maybe it is a cultural difference?

Ah that changes things a bit. In my limited experience women that come from patriarchal societies don't tend to view equality the same way as we do in the West. They often prefer to be submissive, to take on less responsibility, tend not to be quite as assertive, etc.

Regardless, I am definitely not moving in with her at this point. I'm going to have a talk with her.

You need to decide what kind of woman you want. Shared values are very important in a relationship.

May 15, 2014

I asked her to ask her girlfriends how couples are supposed to split the rent, and her friends are actually siding with her on this.

Of course they are! I can't believe you actually asked her that. What did you expect HER friends to say?

Did she ask you what your friends think...?

May 15, 2014

Your relationship your decisions to make between the pair of you.

I will say I know nothing of Asian values, and I know they are different it doesn't mean that they shouldn't pay their own way. If they don't? They don't move in simples.

Saying that you shouldn't be anywhere close to living together now, not for a good long time.

May 15, 2014

So he is going to pay, for rough estimates, $1,000 dollars a month, leaving him near broke depending on how good his job is, and she is going to pay about 250 MAX for utilities?

Yeah, no.

You seem to have under estimated the utilities to further your point.

If the utilities were 500 and the rent was 900 that is okay in my book.. I'm all about making life easy and not making things petty

I am also giving my advice from my past perspective of the way I have handled the situations before in the past...

When I go to dinner with my guy friends I pick up the tab and say 'you get the next one' and when we go out they get the next one.

That is kinda how I roll....

May 15, 2014

Chances are that the two of you would have never dated these past three months if you weren't the sort of person who apologies after speaking for your own concerns.

Have you ever shared rent with a girlfriend before? No? I wouldn't think so.

Do not become roommates with this woman.

This isn't the simple matter of talking things out and then moving in together. The only time you should become a roommate with anyone is if you're fully independent, the other party is fully independent, and either of you can move on and live elsewhere if things somehow don't work out. She's a professional manipulator and once you find yourself trapped by feeling responsible for providing her shelter, I bet you'll suffer through anything and everything she dishes out. I think you're in for a world of hurt.

May 15, 2014

That makes no sense to have her pay less even though you guys earn the same amount of money? But propose to her that she should pay for the food to cover the difference.

That's just bull! Her saying that she wants to pay less because she is a woman and your a guy.... C'mon are we not in the 21th century!

May 15, 2014

OP, are you and she currently paying rent on your own places? If yes, how does that rent compare to the rent on the place you'll share? How do the numbers on her proposal stack up against current costs?

Since your GF apparently shares an apartment with a roommate currently, what is her percentage share of that rent?

Personally, I see no rush to live together. Big step, take your time, feel positive about it. Still some details to work out. Good luck!

May 15, 2014

That is kinda how I roll....

That's how I roll too. But that requires a partner who thinks the same, and in this case, the woman clearly does not roll in that way at all. Would you carry on saying "I'll get this one, you get the next" if your buddies never got the next one? Or if they said "hey I'll get one if you get two"? I very much doubt it.

May 15, 2014

Thanks for the replies guys. I asked her to ask her girlfriends how couples are supposed to split the rent, and her friends are actually siding with her on this. They believe guys should pay a larger portion of the rent. Please note that she grew up in China but came here for college, so maybe it is a cultural difference?

Regardless, I am definitely not moving in with her at this point. I'm going to have a talk with her.

I grew up on that side of the world as well. Equality is viewed very differently, but she is not in China anymore. Back on that side of the world, women are almost groomed into submissiveness for lack of education, lack of independence, lack of a voice, lack of earning power/capability -- abiding by the stereotype that men are providers and women are homemakers.

That mentality has to change on her part. This isn't China. And you have to decide if that's a worthy enough reason to compromise. Just don't move in together. It's too soon.

And yes, her girlfriends are going to agree with her because I can't tell you how many women I meet feel entitled in terms of men should pay for everything.

May 15, 2014

Thanks guys for the feedback. Much appreciated.

For those of you asking what the actual rent breakdown would be, I would pay $800 flat, which includes utilities. And she would pay $300 for rent and $150 for utilities and cable, so her monthly total would be around $450, depending on utilities. That is how she proposed to split the rent.

We currently are financially stable living in our own apartments. We each pay around $1k/mo give or take for our own apartments.

Edited May 15, 2014 by quigon

May 15, 2014

Thanks for the replies guys. I asked her to ask her girlfriends how couples are supposed to split the rent, and her friends are actually siding with her on this. They believe guys should pay a larger portion of the rent. Please note that she grew up in China but came here for college, so maybe it is a cultural difference?

Regardless, I am definitely not moving in with her at this point. I'm going to have a talk with her.

Are her friends Chinese too? Culturally? If so, of course they will likely agree with her. If they are American born and bred or culturally so, they are wacked. Good move. Don't move in until this is cleared up.

Again, as long as your incomes are about the same, just dating....50/50 is proper.

May 15, 2014

We currently are financially stable living in our own apartments. We each pay around $1k/mo give or take for our own apartments.

So, what's the problem now that she can't do a 50/50 when she can do 100% perfectly well on her own, which costs much more than moving in with you.

Going back to "cultural differences", that isn't an excuse/reason anymore.

Edited May 15, 2014 by Zahara

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Argued with my girlfriend about splitting rent

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