hocks19 Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Hi everyone, I've been reading a lot of threads on LS which has helped me get through a lot of rough patches during my breakup, but this is my first time posting. And sorry, it's long but I felt like I had to explain everything for you to understand where I'm at now. My ex and I dated for 10 months and go to the same college. The fall semester was amazing - we spent every day between and after classes together, spent every weekend together and practically lived together for the entire semester. (In hindsight this was terrible. We were so dependent on each other and all I could ever think about was her, and she was my motivation for everything). When the winter semester rolled around, I had started a 4 month internship back home (different city than the college), meaning we would only be able to see each other on weekends. The first few weeks were fine until we had a small argument which escalated to other arguments, etc, etc. and within that very rough week of long-distance fighting she sent me the breakup text. During the next week I tried to talk to her about it to work things out and even visited her once to talk face to face. She was set on her decision and there was no changing her mind (turns out, she admitted that she couldn't get over her feelings for this boy in her class who she told me was just a friend. I felt so betrayed. I even helped her bake cookies for the guy, when she claimed that she owed him for some notes that he lent her..). So, I went NC and REALLY worked on myself. I talked to a counselor, worked out 5 times a week, caught up with old friends, made new ones, and became closer with my family. I really improved myself, and living at home during the internship and breakup really helped too. So here is where things start to get messy. A week before I headed back to school (so 3 months after the breakup), I get a text from her asking how I was doing, and she had some stuff of mine that she wanted to drop off. I had healed SO MUCH and felt very over her at this point that I felt almost indifferent when receiving it. I responded with a brief message, and she kept trying to keep it light and the conversation going, and even asked "so how are have you been the last couple months". I just said really well, then ended the convo by saying I was headed off to bed now. Sounded like breadcrumbs, or her wanting to be my friend. Now, to the week school started (1 week after that text, 3 months and 1 week after the breakup). I drove back to campus with all of my stuff to unload/unpack, and driving down the campus streets, seeing all of the old school buildings and arriving at my old place, all of those past memories instantly flooded my mind. I suddenly felt so depressed, remembering all of the times all of the times we shared at school - driving to restaurants, studying in the library, watch her type essays while I dozed off to sleep. I felt so alone with a gaping hole inside of me. In my moment of anger, sadness and depression, I text her telling her to throw out everything as I don't need them anymore, but really, I didn't want to see her and get set back even more. A few days later, she responds that it would be a shame to throw them out. Then, I make the mistake of asking to call her. I was having a great day and felt back to "recovered", so we speak for a couple minutes on the phone, arrange when to drop it off, then I suggest we be friends since I felt like I really don't want to get back together with her, but we got along so well that it would be nice to hangout. She tells me that she's started seeing someone new (which I already suspected 1-2 months into the breakup) and she agrees, and we arrange to go for coffee the following week to catch up. A few days after this call, she texts me asking if I can call her, so I do. She tells me that we can't be friends and that it would be too awkward and uncomfortable. I ask her "isn't being friends what you always wanted?" and she replies "I guess I was wrong and I'm sorry about that", so I tell her that I'm sorry to hear that and I respect her decision. Ever since she sent that first text trying to be friendly and asking when she could drop off my stuff, my feelings have been have been swinging hard. I go home on weekends, and when I'm home I feel back to normal - indifferent, don't want to get back together, no feelings for her, and carry out my new life. When I have to spend the week back at school, I feel so set back, alone, depressed, and miss her so so much. I thought I had my feelings all figured out, but I guess I didn't. I'm still pretty lost and confused. I don't know what kind of answer I'm looking for and don't even know what to ask, my mind is just such a blur and it's starting to affect my school performance. I can't focus as I'm constantly missing her here at school. How can I cope with all the memory flashes as I'm LITERALLY back on memory lane (school)? I really want to get over her and don't want her back.. I just get this feeling of missing her when those memories flood into my mind. Thanks for reading and any words of encouragement or constructive criticism on what to do next - it's really appreciated. And oh yeah, I still haven't got my stuff back yet...
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