morbot_k Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 I met a girl 9 months ago on a dating site. We had a drink, and she was really cool. I asked her out again, and she said she could not because she was getting serious with someone. So I offered up friendship since she was cute and would make a good contact as well...and she said she'd like that. We hung out a few times as friends, I did get a vibe when we parted...that lingering vibe, but thinking we are just friends I didn't go in for a kiss, instead I just hugged her. The next time we were going to hang out (nov-ish), she cancelled saying she didn't feel right dating me while getting serious with someone. So I called her up and she explained she was just out of a marriage and unfamiliar with this whole dating thing. But she would be interested in being friends so long as that's all it would be. I enjoyed her company and thought she'd make a great friends, so I said sure (which was no change in my mind from where we were at). The holidays came and went, and the next time I saw her was in Jan we had brunch. She was definitely a bit cautious and guarded. But we had fun conversation. She was busy and unavailable until March, when we went to see a movie together. Again, a bit guarded and the conversation was good but a bit forced but it was an enjoyable fun day. Next time we hung out was in late April, and she was more open and we had a lot of fun at an event. We talked about going to yoga again, and we did so the next week. A week later we decided to go hiking but it was rainy so instead we ate in the park, went to art exhibit, ran through the rain and camped at stores, had brunch together, and then went to a yoga class. She also gave me a belated birthday present. Still, totally platonic except for one "vibe" moment (I caught her looking at me while she was twirling her hair). That was this past Saturday. I asked her on Monday if she wanted to check out a play with me this week, but she said it was a hellish week work wise and she didn't want to hold me up from seeing it. I responded that she wasn't holding me up and I couldn't think of a more fun person to go see it with - suggesting perhaps next week. She responded with saying she was free the following Fri or Sat, so we made a plan for the play and dinner. We both think really well of one another - that much I know. She's an awesome person in so many ways both overt and subtle that I really appreciate, and I am definitely glad I followed my instinct to make a friend out of her. But I won't deny that she's also pretty much everything I could hope for in a partner. I am not even sure if we are hanging out as friends or if we are dating. Surprisingly, it doesn't bother me and I actually have been finding the uncertainty fun. But yeah, I think I am developing feelings as well. So my question is - what is it that we are doing? Should I just keep going and let things unfold? Or do I need to make some sort of move because she's a catch and who knows when someone might scoop her up?
d0nnivain Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 You are not dating. Where is she with this other guy / serious relationship? If you want to be her friend, you should include him in the mix. 2
mammasita Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 She told you she only wanted to be friends. No, you are definitley not dating AND you conveniently forgot that she's getting serious with someone or already pretty serious since she told you that 9 months ago. How does that compute? If you were getting serious with her would you like her dating someone else, having brunch with another man, going to shows and flirting with another man? Probably not. 1
hasaquestion Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 She told you she only wanted to be friends. No, you are definitley not dating AND you conveniently forgot that she's getting serious with someone or already pretty serious since she told you that 9 months ago. How does that compute? If you were getting serious with her would you like her dating someone else, having brunch with another man, going to shows and flirting with another man? Probably not. I've been going places with and talking to my brother over the last nine months. I wonder if we are in a relationship yet. 1
Author morbot_k Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 You are not dating. Where is she with this other guy / serious relationship? If you want to be her friend, you should include him in the mix. I am pretty sure he's out of the picture.
Author morbot_k Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 She told you she only wanted to be friends. No, you are definitley not dating AND you conveniently forgot that she's getting serious with someone or already pretty serious since she told you that 9 months ago. How does that compute? If you were getting serious with her would you like her dating someone else, having brunch with another man, going to shows and flirting with another man? Probably not. Well she is coming up as a match again on this dating site. It appears she active and her profile picture is different (I didn't want to click on her profile obviously). Seems to have corresponded to the same time that she became a lot more friendly and available to hang out. Honestly, I wasn't sure, but if yall think just leave it as friendship that makes sense.
HappyLove Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 So she's "serious" with some guy and going on dates with you and she's a catch? Wow, I'm just AMAZED at how guys go after women like this but the good honest women who won't toy with you get left in the dust! Two things you should be concerned with. 1. She'd do the same to you. 2. She's using you and you are friend zoned big time!
Chocolat Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Well she is coming up as a match again on this dating site. It appears she active and her profile picture is different (I didn't want to click on her profile obviously). Seems to have corresponded to the same time that she became a lot more friendly and available to hang out. Honestly, I wasn't sure, but if yall think just leave it as friendship that makes sense. Has she told you she broke up with the other guy? Seems to me that this would have been an easy first step for her to take assuming 1) that it is true and 2) that she is interested in dating you. Since she hasn't, my take is that she is happy with things as they are.
d0nnivain Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 If the other guy is out of the picture, ask her out. Talk to her about your desire to date her. See where her head is.
Author morbot_k Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 Has she told you she broke up with the other guy? Seems to me that this would have been an easy first step for her to take assuming 1) that it is true and 2) that she is interested in dating you. Since she hasn't, my take is that she is happy with things as they are. She hasn't mentioned anything about her dating life to me ever.
Author morbot_k Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 If the other guy is out of the picture, ask her out. Talk to her about your desire to date her. See where her head is. Hmmmm, is it smart to be so direct? I mean, I want respect the fact that she told me she only wanted to be friends, but she did say that when she was getting involved with someone. I was thinking I would just try to feel it out first a bit. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy her friendship. I would not be upset if that is all she wanted still. But at the same time, I don't want to make things awkward. This has been really great and I am enjoying things. Maybe I should just enjoy what I have with her and not worry about it?
d0nnivain Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Beating around the bush isn't going to get you anywhere so yes, being direct is smart. If you are content with what you have, you would not have come here hinting that you want more. We regret more in life the things we didn't do.
Author morbot_k Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 Beating around the bush isn't going to get you anywhere so yes, being direct is smart. If you are content with what you have, you would not have come here hinting that you want more. We regret more in life the things we didn't do. I guess I have to decide if I want to just have her friendship or take a chance for something more realizing it might have negative repercussions.
FitChick Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 You need to know if she has romantic feelings for you. Otherwise you are wasting time and money better spent on another woman who fancies you. If she says she's not interested in dating, you could remain friends but also make it clear you are looking to date others. 2
Chocolat Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 She hasn't mentioned anything about her dating life to me ever. Not true. She told you on two occasions that you've mentioned here that she was "getting serious" with someone else. She also told you that she wanted to be friends. Assuming she has any interest in dating you, it would be perfectly natural fro her to mention in conversation that she was no longer dating Mr. Getting Serious. I would interpret that as a possible opening for you. That she has not said anything but has instead re-activated her OLD profile suggests she is not interested in dating you.
Author morbot_k Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 (edited) Not true. She told you on two occasions that you've mentioned here that she was "getting serious" with someone else. She also told you that she wanted to be friends. Assuming she has any interest in dating you, it would be perfectly natural fro her to mention in conversation that she was no longer dating Mr. Getting Serious. I would interpret that as a possible opening for you. That she has not said anything but has instead re-activated her OLD profile suggests she is not interested in dating you. So you are saying I shouldn't be anything more than a friend or assume anything beyond that. If she has any interest the onus is on her, not me? I don't know. What if she wants me to express interest - I mean, don't you girls want the guy to do that first? Maybe I just have to feel it out. See if she is giving me signals and then broach the subject. I really wish to be respectful of her boundaries by all means. But I don't want to be an obtuse guy either. I don't want to think about this anymore haha. Edited May 14, 2014 by morbot_k
Chocolat Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 So you are saying I shouldn't be anything more than a friend or assume anything beyond that. If she has any interest the onus is on her, not me? That's my take based on the fact that she freely shared with you that she was getting serious with someone else. It would not be a big deal for her to casually mention that she and that guy broke up. That would be a segue for you. I don't have a crystal ball so I can't say for sure that she is not interested in you, but her silence about no longer "getting serious" with someone else plus re-activating her OLD profile suggests she is looking for someone new. If you can live with a potentially awkward outcome, you can just ask her.
Author morbot_k Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 That's my take based on the fact that she freely shared with you that she was getting serious with someone else. It would not be a big deal for her to casually mention that she and that guy broke up. That would be a segue for you. I don't have a crystal ball so I can't say for sure that she is not interested in you, but her silence about no longer "getting serious" with someone else plus re-activating her OLD profile suggests she is looking for someone new. If you can live with a potentially awkward outcome, you can just ask her. Yeah I will just ask her the next time I see her. Since she once said we were dating when I thought she was only interested in being friends, I think I can just fall back on that if she isn't interested as to why I might have been confused.
HappyLove Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 What are you doing in the meantime? Seems like you're waiting in the wings for this girl. So months have gone by, are you dating other women? If you don't mind waiting in the wings being a "friend" until she meets some new guy then continue what your doing.
Author morbot_k Posted May 15, 2014 Author Posted May 15, 2014 What are you doing in the meantime? Seems like you're waiting in the wings for this girl. So months have gone by, are you dating other women? If you don't mind waiting in the wings being a "friend" until she meets some new guy then continue what your doing. No i have dated other women and will continue. Honestly I didn't see any potential with this girl and really just saw her as a friend. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I value her friendship and I know she values mine. It was only last Saturday that I felt something - felt a spark and attraction that hadn't been there. It has thrown me off.
Author morbot_k Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 (edited) Well I did bring it up casually today. She seemed a bit awkward at first but I kept it light. Basically she agreed that yes it's a bit undefined and we both have danced around it...she knows but that for now she just wants to be friends, because she is really enjoying herself and is trying to sort out what she really wants from anyone. She said she had been on a ton of first dates but she's basically not sure what she is doing since she broke up with the last guy back in the spring. She said since her divorce and the two failed relationships since then she feels a bit unsure about getting involved with anyone since she feels like she doesn't know how things will work out. She said she would be interested in having this conversation again in a couple of months once she had more time. Edited May 19, 2014 by morbot_k
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