coworker

[johnpatric]

Well I think you need to talk with your wife about this, and be clear with her you know every things about her what she is doing and etc.. because sometime in relationship you or your partner can be go on of track, so you have to help them and make her realize that you are now in relationship and she has a very good family so its better to focus on that and don't try to change the track because it can create problem for her and your children, so let her know that whatever she is doing is not right.. be open and try to talk with her face to face and just clear out this problems...

[FredJones80]

she said that she cares about me. She could not answer even this simple question.

 

I think there is something seriously wrong here.

 

TBH, sounds like she is falling or has fallen for this other man.

 

Sorry

[jjsk]

I think there is something seriously wrong here.

 

Update:

We established that my wife never loved me. I cried. I kind of knew this but I was kidding myself all these years. The relationship with the coworker is irrelevant now

 

I also know that she was not honest with other people, her parents, coworkers, relatives and their spouses. I don't know everything but whatever she did she was not comfortable telling them. She said that she was trying not to hurt them more.

 

This is absolutely devastating. We have young kids. I want to help her get out of this sick state and stop hurting any more people or herself, but I'm not sure how.

[FredJones80]

Update:

We established that my wife never loved me. I cried. I kind of knew this but I was kidding myself all these years.

 

Don't really understand this, why did she marry you and have kids then?

 

Was there something else she was attracted to about you, ie; money, success etc?

 

Doesn't make much sense and seems pretty unfair on you.

 

If she is going around lying to people she cares for all the time then perhaps she has some sort of mental illness?

[jjsk]

Don't really understand this, why did she marry you and have kids then?

 

Was there something else she was attracted to about you, ie; money, success etc?

 

Doesn't make much sense and seems pretty unfair on you.

 

If she is going around lying to people she cares for all the time then perhaps she has some sort of mental illness?

 

I guess I was "better" than the other guys she met. She had two long term relationships before me. She did not feel love in either of them. The first guy was cheating, but somehow he manipulated her and they were together for years. The other guy was an alcoholic. She also had a fling with the husband of her relative (this was all before me) and they still keep this secret. and so on. She told parents she was happy with our relationship (and may be about the others) in order to not hurt their feelings. She thought they will be very upset if they find out she is unhappy. This is messed up...

[Art_Critic]

JJSK,

 

I'm sorry that things seem to going worse with each conversation with her...

 

It seems to me that she has had an affair with the guy and is using the 'I never loved you' in order to keep the affair from the spot light.

 

The affair may only have been an emotional affair and only she knows but it seems one happened.

 

Where do you both go from here ? if the affair is over then she may be ready to go to counseling and work on the marriage together but only if the affair is over.

[Art_Critic]

Don't let her push the blame and or focus for this on you, of course every failing marriage has both parties who contributed to the demise but right now it seems she is trying to not focus on her affair by putting you in the spotlight and it seems to have worked.. look at your last few posts.. they are about you not measuring up to other guys..

 

Try not to let this affect you in this manner and keep the focus back on her for these conversations right now.

[jjsk]

JJSK,

 

It seems to me that she has had an affair with the guy and is using the 'I never loved you' in order to keep the affair from the spot light.

 

The affair may only have been an emotional affair and only she knows but it seems one happened.

 

Where do you both go from here ? if the affair is over then she may be ready to go to counseling and work on the marriage together but only if the affair is over.

 

It's possible that 'i never loved you' is another lie. But looking back I think this may be the truth. She wants to know if I decided to leave. But she keeps a poker face how she feels about it. She will not fight it. I would still be around for kids and they would get part of my income. I convinced her that there is something seriously "out of whack". so she is fine with going to counseling.

[Clay]

It's possible that 'i never loved you' is another lie. But looking back I think this may be the truth. She wants to know if I decided to leave. But she keeps a poker face how she feels about it. She will not fight it. I would still be around for kids and they would get part of my income. I convinced her that there is something seriously "out of whack". so she is fine with going to counseling.

 

This thread is something I would save for the future. Your going to want to read it again when your marriage is over with. The stuff you have put up with and are continuing to allow her to do is going to help you grow once it is over. Its going to be painful but at least you can see the path you chose to take so you wont make those mistakes again with the next woman in your life.

 

I wish you all the best. I just do not think you are ready to seriously deal with her.

 

Clay

[RightThere]

Update:

We established that my wife never loved me. I cried. I kind of knew this but I was kidding myself all these years. The relationship with the coworker is irrelevant now

 

Two things.

 

1) The "I never loved" you speech or "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" is a total crock. She's been re-writing history in her own mind to justify not only leaving you but having an inappropriate relationship with someone else. She's convinced herself that she never did love you, so all the crappy things she's doing now are justified. Don't buy it. She's actually just being selfish and stopped putting in effort into your relationship, so that's why it died.

 

2) The relationship with the coworker is NOT irrelevant. It's the reason she feels how she does now. She doesn't love you because she's been putting all her effort in to this other relationship. He's been telling her what she needs to hear, stroking her ego. He's helped convince her that she never did love you, so it's OK for her to love him.

[FredJones80]

1) The "I never loved" you speech or "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" is a total crock. She's been re-writing history in her own mind to justify not only leaving you but having an inappropriate relationship with someone else. She's convinced herself that she never did love you, so all the crappy things she's doing now are justified. Don't buy it. She's actually just being selfish and stopped putting in effort into your relationship, so that's why it died.

 

Yeah, I have to agree with RightThere. Either that or she doesn't know the different between first stage "in love" feelings and the more long term love that is basically a choice after that.

 

Sounds like she is choosing not to love you now and as RightThere correctly said because she is putting all her effort in to this other guy.

 

No one doesn't love their first, second and third long term relationship. She got married to you, had kids with you. Unless you're a millionaire or hung like a porn star then why else would she have done this with you?

 

Sounds like she is trying to shift blame. If anyone is in the wrong here, its her.

[notbroken]

Her logic - she never loved you so it is ok for her to love someone else. It's crap, but that is what she is thinking. It is revisionist history. She loved you, or at least her version of it or she wouldn't have married you, had two kids, and lived life.

 

However, she has convinced herself she didn't ever love you to justify her actions - either in the past or what she is contemplating. That much is a fact. Absolute fact. And very bad news for your marriage. She may never love you again. History has shown it is very difficult to regain after it is lost. IMO, that is the most significant thing you have written about the mess your marriage is in.

 

It is very difficult live without love in your life. You will feel like you are 'missing something' if you stay with a woman that has convinced herself she doesn't love you. Been there done that. Live is short. I know in my case it definitely wasn't worth it. I would never live with a person again that doesn't love me - regardless of circumstances.

 

I hope both you and she get some counselling - and quickly. Best wishes.

[2sunny]

No harm to her because she hasn't had any consequences.

 

Now she's deleting her evidence, who does that? Oh ya, someone who's guilty and has things to hide from you!

 

She's having an affair - you just weren't supposed to find out.

 

What are YOU planning to do to take care of YOURSELF?

[jjsk]

JJSK,

 

I'm sorry that things seem to going worse with each conversation with her...

 

It seems to me that she has had an affair with the guy and is using the 'I never loved you' in order to keep the affair from the spot light.

 

The affair may only have been an emotional affair and only she knows but it seems one happened.

 

Where do you both go from here ? if the affair is over then she may be ready to go to counseling and work on the marriage together but only if the affair is over.

 

she told the guy they cannot meet anymore because I think it's not appropriate and that I'm against it. I don't understand why she didn't tell me about this when I specifically asked. If she did something to make me feel better why would she not tell me about it .. I told her that I want to be the last person that she hurts like this.

 

She assumed if we end up separating the kids will stay with her in the same house and that I will find a place and be the 'visiting farther'. The kids most certainly will want to live with her. I don't have any grounds to contest that.

 

If there something she did wrong here, why don't she move out? She said that is not going to happen. And that now she feels trapped. So she would OK with the divorce on the condition that I leave our home. Meanwhile she looking for a psychologist ...

[2sunny]

You haven't imposed any real consequences for her. That's the problem - she isn't uncomfortable yet!

 

What are you willing to do to make her uncomfortable?

 

If nothing changes = nothing changes.

 

You want her to move - demand it - after all SHE was the one lying and being sneaky - and SHE stated no love for you. SHE changed the terms by what she feels within the M, so SHE needs to be the one to leave.

 

Don't request it - state it as fact.

 

When the line is drawn in the sand - she may get scared enough to reignite that love she lost!

[Clay]

I feel for you but honestly sunny is right. If you don't lay it all on the line your going to continue to get walked on. It is horrible and painful that you have to do that but its the only way to deal with people that are cheaters. There is no way in hell I would let her keep the kids. She already showed what kind of a person she is. The kids may call her mom but she is no mother by far. I know most people don't agree with this but if you look at it from the stand point of never putting the kids in the path of danger its clear. These days people react differently to cheating and this could have gone horrible wrong. There has been so many shows that talk about people killing people over this it just makes me sick.

 

I kicked my xW out. I kept the house and my kids. Its been seven years since the divorce and I am much happier and I have remarried to a much better person.

 

Clay

[FredJones80]

Sick of this thread.

 

Sick of how you've been treated jjsk, yet you seem to post in a way that gives me the impression you feel guilty about something.

 

Who said the kids will want to be with her? They are your kids too as far as I am aware.

 

As 2sunny said, start putting your foot down.

 

If you don't, you'll move out and be living in a tiny flat, she'll have a nice house and YOUR kids and no doubt mr work lunch will be moving in as soon as you've left the drive. no doubt he'll be "dad 2"

[jjsk]

Sick of this thread.

 

Sick of how you've been treated jjsk, yet you seem to post in a way that gives me the impression you feel guilty about something.

 

Who said the kids will want to be with her? They are your kids too as far as I am aware.

 

As 2sunny said, start putting your foot down.

 

If you don't, you'll move out and be living in a tiny flat, she'll have a nice house and YOUR kids and no doubt mr work lunch will be moving in as soon as you've left the drive. no doubt he'll be "dad 2"

 

because I did not post everything. I'm guilty of some things (demanding, judging, controlling, mood swings, yelling, you name it). She is a great mother, kids love her, they clearly state the preference to be with her. You can talk all day how she cared for kids and did this and that with them while I worked most of the time and for the most part was just a family ATM machine. The judge would not take kids away from her.

 

Several years ago *she* asked for a divorce because she could not longer tolerate my behavior. She cried back then. We worked out things (or thought we did) So this is the second round now. But the reasons are the same. It's just I have caught her with something we all suspect was cheating but nobody has any proof of

 

Except the part that she was going out to restaurants and lying to me about it there is nothing else that she had done wrong. Legally emotional affair is not grounds for divorce in my state. It has to be adultery which might not have happened here.

[jjsk]

You haven't imposed any real consequences for her. That's the problem - she isn't uncomfortable yet!

 

What are you willing to do to make her uncomfortable?

 

If nothing changes = nothing changes.

 

this is crazy. Yes I can manipulate her into staying together. I can threaten to ruin her reputation. she will feel trapped like she does now. You think this will spark new love to me?

 

I don't understand why the entire internet is bullying against her for one mistake that she may be willing to admit.

[FredJones80]

this is crazy. Yes I can manipulate her into staying together. I can threaten to ruin her reputation. she will feel trapped like she does now. You think this will spark new love to me?

 

I don't understand why the entire internet is bullying against her for one mistake that she may be willing to admit.

 

Probably because you didn't mention any of "demanding, judging, controlling, mood swings, yelling, you name it"

[Clay]

Then just give her the divorce and walk away. Pay for your kids and see them regularly. No reason to cause either one of you to suffer anymore.

 

Clay

[RightThere]

this is crazy. Yes I can manipulate her into staying together. I can threaten to ruin her reputation. she will feel trapped like she does now. You think this will spark new love to me?

 

I don't understand why the entire internet is bullying against her for one mistake that she may be willing to admit.

 

You're right. Your best course of action will be to move out, let her have the house and kids, and move on with your life. In your eyes, she's done nothing wrong and anything inappropriate can be traced back to you being a lousy husband.

 

I understand where you are because I've been there. You cannot accept that your wife might be lying to you. Your "spidey senses" are going off, but you choose to ignore them because you believe your wife to be loving and loyal. But for some reason she forgot to mention to you she broke it off with work-guy and initiated no-contact. I'm sure it slipped her mind.........(or maybe she's still lying).

[2sunny]

this is crazy. Yes I can manipulate her into staying together. I can threaten to ruin her reputation. she will feel trapped like she does now. You think this will spark new love to me?

 

I don't understand why the entire internet is bullying against her for one mistake that she may be willing to admit.

 

I don't necessarily encourage you to force her to stay.

 

In fact, my post said demand she move out.

 

Expose to all!

 

It helps YOU move forward - no more limbo stage...as she currently has you at a cockhold stage.

 

Take action! Start changing things.

 

You said she doesn't love you - so file for divorce today. Why would you want to beg any woman to love you?

 

These are consequences to how she "feels" and the actions she has done or not done.

 

So since she doesn't intend to love you - it's over = show her it's over.

Edited May 16, 2014 by 2sunny

[GorillaTheater]

because I did not post everything. I'm guilty of some things (demanding, judging, controlling, mood swings, yelling, you name it). She is a great mother, kids love her, they clearly state the preference to be with her. You can talk all day how she cared for kids and did this and that with them while I worked most of the time and for the most part was just a family ATM machine. The judge would not take kids away from her.

 

Several years ago *she* asked for a divorce because she could not longer tolerate my behavior. She cried back then. We worked out things (or thought we did) So this is the second round now. But the reasons are the same. It's just I have caught her with something we all suspect was cheating but nobody has any proof of

 

Except the part that she was going out to restaurants and lying to me about it there is nothing else that she had done wrong. Legally emotional affair is not grounds for divorce in my state. It has to be adultery which might not have happened here.

 

Okay, let's take all of that at face value. You suck. Long term it's something you have to work through so that future relationships will be successful, and simply so you can be the man you want to be. Short term, it doesn't mean crap. It certainly doesn't justify infidelity. She had other, honorable ways of dealing with that, like going through with a divorce. The fact that by all appearances she chose to cheat on you demonstrates pretty adequately that she sucks, too. Besides, you're in a frame of mind that makes it easy to believe that you suck far more than you probably actually do.

 

Step one is to change your frame of mind. Now it's down to business, and nobody is going to take care of your side of that business but you.

 

1) Don't move out until your attorney (who you'll hire within a week) tells you that it's okay to do so, and probably not until you have a separation agreement in place. You don't want to set any precedents regarding possession of the home and custody of the kids until you're fully protected from any consequences, because judges love precedents. Hell, if it was me, I wouldn't move out at all. F*ck her, she doesn't like it, then she can move.

 

2) Carry a VAR (voice activated recorder) with you at all times. Fifty bucks at Best Buy or Walmart. Use long-life batteries. What you want to prevent is a situation where your wife brings false charges to get you out of the house and gain a tactical advantage in the divorce proceedings. It's more common than you may think, and your wife IS capable of this. You've already demonstrated that you don't know her as well as you thought.

 

3) Pay off joint credit cards, cancel them, and then separate finances completely. I should have put this first, because it's an ASAP item.

 

4) Go for nothing less than 50-50 custody. My bet is that you're a much better dad, and her not quite as good of a mom, as what you believe at the moment.

 

5) Work out like crazy. Lift weights. Short term, you'll get some endorphins that you desperately need right now; long term you'll have an ass-kicking body and the confidence to go with it.

 

6) Stay cool, calm, and collected at all times. As far as she's concerned, emotionally you're a sub running in deep water. Wish her good luck with the new man with a smile.

 

7) Speaking of the POS, is he married? You don't have much to go on, but enough to have a chat with his wife. You shouldn't be the only one dealing with a sh*t storm, fair's fair.

 

You can handle this. You can handle anything that comes your way.

[jjsk]

You're right. Your best course of action will be to move out, let her have the house and kids, and move on with your life. In your eyes, she's done nothing wrong and anything inappropriate can be traced back to you being a lousy husband.

 

I understand where you are because I've been there. You cannot accept that your wife might be lying to you. Your "spidey senses" are going off, but you choose to ignore them because you believe your wife to be loving and loyal. But for some reason she forgot to mention to you she broke it off with work-guy and initiated no-contact. I'm sure it slipped her mind.........(or maybe she's still lying).

 

wow. OK. She is not asking for divorce this time but she will grant it. She is OK to stay together if I forgive her. I can do that. that's not a problem.

 

If I meet another woman I could try to be better with her, learning from this marriage. Or I try to be better with my wife who I love. Her 'cheating' was a payback for the way I treated her I guess.