golive Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 (edited) Hi fellow LSers, I need some guidance. I'm a 25 year old male and I spent 9 years with my girlfriend dating back to our high school years. She's 25 as well. After college, we became engaged and things seemed to be going well. I should add that we lived together for a number of years prior to the engagement. Somewhere along the way, something in me changed. I became discontent and unfulfilled with the life we were living. I spent more and more time out and put a lot of distance between us. She began to change as a result. I felt like things were off and began to feel like I proposed to her to fill some unknown void I had within myself. We stopped being intimate soon after becoming engaged and much of that was my fault. I didn't enjoy sex with her nearly as much as she did with me. It caused a great deal of resentment and things turned for the worse. She ultimately left me and for the last 15 to 16 months, I have not been able to move on with my life even with the understanding that it was all for the best and that she would be much better off with another man who could fulfill her needs. The problem is, I didn't let go of the relationship and instead went on a roller coaster ride full of emotions that has lasted since the day we split up. I go from looking forward to what my future holds to deep depression over the loss of our relationship. I've done everything you are NOT supposed to do after a breakup. I said some of the nastiest things I've ever said to anyone. I was hurt. I just wouldn't let it go and I now feel terrible about it. I tried to keep in touch with her up until recently and it always led to bitter arguments and trash talking one another (NC fail). The relationship will never be again as I have destroyed everything there ever was between us. I have since learned that I am the epitome of a co-dependent. I "needed" her in my life and I wasn't going to be happy if she wasn't. It's a painful place to be - to need someone to make you happy. I absolutely hate feeling this way and I know it is completely illogical. I view myself as an attractive man and I have a great career and the fact that she left me took a huge toll on my rather large ego and has left me without any confidence. Since we split up, I have been with three women (one was a one night stand that I regretted immediately). The other two women were far below my standards in the morals and values department but they were good looking. Truthfully, there wasn't much we had in common aside from our mutual enjoyment for great sex. I gave them a go, but for all the wrong reasons. Again, I found myself trying to fill some void. I was settling and they knew it. Needless to say, these flings didn't last much more than a few months each. I don't know what I'm looking for from you guys, but hopefully someone has been in my shoes before and can provide some insight into how I can turn my life around. I haven't been alone since I was in the 8th grade. I always had girlfriends. Now, I find myself at 25 years old and alone. Deep down, I know I need this alone time to become a better man and eventually, a better partner. Can anyone relate? Any guidance? Thanks for reading. Edited May 11, 2014 by golive
travelbug1996 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 You have to go through the uncomfortbility (sp) of being alone with yourself. Take time to work on why you responded the way you did from your hurt which you admit put a nail in the coffin of there ever being a reconciliation. I'm recovering from codependency as well and a couple bookd that have helped have been How to be an adult in relationships and When Love meets Fear. Educate yourself about what true love for self is and you will know true love for others. Best Wishes
Author golive Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 You have to go through the uncomfortbility (sp) of being alone with yourself. Take time to work on why you responded the way you did from your hurt which you admit put a nail in the coffin of there ever being a reconciliation. I'm recovering from codependency as well and a couple bookd that have helped have been How to be an adult in relationships and When Love meets Fear. Educate yourself about what true love for self is and you will know true love for others. Best Wishes TB, thanks for taking the time to respond. I will look into the books you mentioned above. You're absolutely right in that I need to figure out, and learn from, the driving force behind my response to the situation. I will add that the two subsequent "relationships", if you will, did not end so well either. It was after the second relationship after the BU that I realized this co-dependency issue could very well be playing a large role in all of this. I just want to get better and eventually find a woman who is on my level and stop this nonsense of being with women I have no interest in pursuing relationships with just to fill the void. It's not right.
Assasda Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 What youre doing is being in your own head too much. What you do is you volunteer, you help people less fortuanate than you. Go to a homeless shelter, or even a Old person home, and realize hew easy you got it. You can also substitute volunteering for travel, in a foreign country, where you are dependent on other people for support. I guarantee if you do this long enough, you'll know why you have this void in your life, and you will become better
Author golive Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 What youre doing is being in your own head too much. What you do is you volunteer, you help people less fortuanate than you. Go to a homeless shelter, or even a Old person home, and realize hew easy you got it. You can also substitute volunteering for travel, in a foreign country, where you are dependent on other people for support. I guarantee if you do this long enough, you'll know why you have this void in your life, and you will become better Assasda, thank you for your feedback. I've involved myself in volunteering in the past, but it has been a few years. I think I will take your advice and get myself more involved again. I really like your idea of traveling out of the country as well. I'm going to look into that. We only live once, right? Thanks again. 1
halfcrazed_i Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Hi there -- I'm sorry that you're hurting so much in your situation. But I'm guessing that this is life's crude way of getting you out of your comfort zone and letting you learn / live. You've been with someone constant for that long, it's just natural to be extremely attached (and as you say co-dependent). But the good news is that you actually acknowledge it for what it is -- and that you're not having any delusions of grandeur about it. Intellectually, you know where you stand even though your emotions are taking one helluva beating. As the guys above has mentioned, take this opportunity to get to know yourself. Allow yourself to develop without the aid of anyone else. I know that this is easier said than done, but it will ultimately make you a better person. Once you learned to love and live with yourself, loving another person will come very naturally (and will be healthier for all parties involved). By then, you'll stop second guessing the nature of your relationships and you'll be a lot more secure. Unfortunately, there's no magic pill to take you out of your rut. You'll just have to give yourself time -- and also, be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Surround yourself with people you trust and enjoy being with. And take this time to make yourself a better person. Go learn something new (pick up a language or some new hobby), go travel and discover just how big the world really is out there, read more, etc... Don't sulk or feel sorry for yourself (that usually doesn't amount to much). Remember, there will come a time when you can start looking back to this and you'll feel no pain at all about it. Look forward to that day. In the meantime, go be the person you've always wanted to be
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