suckerpunch55 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 (edited) I'm 2 months into finding out about my wife's affair, the impact was immense both physically and mentally. I always though of myself as a strong and steady man who always dealt with life's twists and turns in a logical way but this affair has knocked me sidewards, downwards really. It is not a thing I ever thought I would have to deal with, never know anyone one else who has had to deal with this sort of thing except a few kind people on here who have given me good advice from experience. Even so I feel as though I've not reached rock bottom yet, my wife is trying her best to save our marriage (so she says)and myself of course as I've always thought that the family and marriage is the backbone of society and must be protected. I just cannot seem to ask the questions I feel I need to ask, my wife still has this barrier up and won't tell me anything because she says she does not want to hurt me anymore. I have lost 25 Lbs in the last 2 months, started drinking too much,can't sleep, making mistakes at work, headaches etc, have dark, dark thoughts about the OM and my wife, of course I know I could never physically assault either of them as I've not been brought up to act that way. Do I need to ask my wife all the questions that are bothering me so much and causing so much grief? maybe if I did know everything it would send me even further into depression or maybe it would enable me to move forward. Add to that our 21 year old daughter has asked me 'whats up with you 2 recently?' how the hell can I answer that one? I can't. I keep asking myself how long this can go on for giving that I do wish with all my heart that our marriage can survive. Edited May 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
endlessabyss Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Learning about the details will make things worse, trust me. I'm sure you really want to know what happened though. Most likely you will learn about the details in the future, so be prepared.
Hardgrind Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Suckerpunch, I'm four months out and still am on the emotional rollercoaster, so it's not surprising that you are where you are after only two months. How much you need to know depends upon you. You need a certain amount of knowledge in order to understand the affair and begin healing. You can't heal if you don't know enough about what happened. You do need to be careful not to ask for more details than you want or can handle. You don't want to create mind movies that you can never escape either. There is another reason to ask for details. Whether they want to admit it or not, WS's want to keep many details about their A secret so that they can savor the memory. I understand this is a theme in "Bridges of Madison County", though I have never seen the movie personally. By having the WS disclose enough details and bring the affair into daylight, much of the glamour and fantasy your wife currently associates with the affair will disperse. She will likely resist giving you details so you will need to be persistent. An especially effective technique is to act as if you are underwhelmed by the details that are revealed. This can be difficult to do, but is a very effective way of bringing the A down to earth, where they rarely hold their shine.
harrybrown Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Do not rugsweep. Have your wife write you a timeline of the affair. Some men need all the details to know what they are forgiving. Also have you exposed the OM to his wife yet? Your wife is not helping you at all. She is protecting herself. How can you be sure she is not continuing the affair, if she is protecting the OM over your marriage? Have you asked her since she is protecting the OM and the affair, you must be the backup plan. If she wanted to do anything to help the marriage, she would swallow her pride, and write the timeline of everything in the affair. Some marriages can get past the cheating, but if she will not give you all the puzzle of the affair, she does not care about you or your marriage. If she cared, she would realize that continuing to betray you by not being totally honest, she does not love you. You are her backup plan. Most marriages do not make it trying to rugsweep the affair. By not giving you full transparency and honesty, she does not care about your marriage. If you can't get her to be transparent, help you expose the affair to your family to her family and the OM's family and give you a written timeline of the affair, she loves the OM and does not love you. She is still choosing the OM over you and the family. Start the 180, and file for divorce. She does not respect you. She is still choosing the OM over you. Respect yourself. Let you go be with the OM and find someone that cares about you. Your WW does not. You can not get thru this by hiding your head in the sand. She needs to give you the entire puzzle and stop protecting her POSOM. She tore your heart out and threw it in the fire. She can not put your heart back in your chest and get it started again. You need the entire puzzle. She has it but will not give it to you. good luck. 1
Buckeye2 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Do I need to ask my wife all the questions that are bothering me so much and causing so much grief? maybe if I did know everything it would send me even further into depression or maybe it would enable me to move forward. Look here: what value does it hold? I keep asking myself how long this can go on for giving that I do wish with all my heart that our marriage can survive. You have to take a chance on losing your marriage to keep it. Look up the 180 and do it.
Furious Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I'm 2 months into finding out about my wife's affair, the impact was immense both physically and mentally. I always though of myself as a strong and steady man who always dealt with life's twists and turns in a logical way but this affair has knocked me sidewards, downwards really. It is not a thing I ever thought I would have to deal with, never know anyone one else who has had to deal with this sort of thing except a few kind people on here who have given me good advice from experience. Even so I feel as though I've not reached rock bottom yet, my wife is trying her best to save our marriage (so she says)and myself of course as I've always thought that the family and marriage is the backbone of society and must be protected. I just cannot seem to ask the questions I feel I need to ask, my wife still has this barrier up and won't tell me anything because she says she does not want to hurt me anymore. I have lost 25 Lbs in the last 2 months, started drinking too much,can't sleep, making mistakes at work, headaches etc, have dark, dark thoughts about the OM and my wife, of course I know I could never physically assault either of them as I've not been brought up to act that way. Do I need to ask my wife all the questions that are bothering me so much and causing so much grief? maybe if I did know everything it would send me even further into depression or maybe it would enable me to move forward. Add to that our 21 year old daughter has asked me 'whats up with you 2 recently?' how the hell can I answer that one? I can't. I keep asking myself how long this can go on for giving that I do wish with all my heart that our marriage can survive. Usually, weekends are slow here in this forum. There are some great veteran posters here that I'm sure can help you with what you're going through. Tomorrow you'll get many more replies and a sounding board to support you. It's worrisome that your health is suffering and that you're turned to drinking to numb your pain. Alcohol is a depressive, it can help numb the pain in the short term but long term it will add to your depression. You're in the shock stage, as it's only been a couple of months since you found out. Your first priority is to save yourself, try to eat healthy, drink plenty of water, get exercise this will help you burn off stress, even if it's just a walk and fresh air. Go see your family doctor, get a physical checkup. Seek individual counselling, having a professional to help guide you and allow yourself to feel what you feel. Do you have a close friend or family member you can reach out to for support. Don't suffer in silence, get the help and support you need. As to what you should ask or want to know from your wife. There's a fine line, knowledge can hurt you, but not making real decisions without knowledge can also break you. Seek individual counselling, be picky on who you choose, make sure it's a therapists who specializes in infidelity. Get the best help you can get. You're not alone....there are many people here who care. 2
BetrayedH Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Personally, I think the fear of asking does more damage to you than the answers do. Your mind never stops processing, trying to fill in the missing pieces of the puzzle. And you'll likely feel shame about your own fear, that you're too afraid to even know the truth. It shows that you're more concerned about saving the marriage than you are about yourself. You're prioritizing the marriage and your wife above yourself and that does a lot of damage to an already damaged ego and self-esteem. It also does little for your confidence in your wife when she is reluctant to talk about it. You won't know what she's hiding and if she's really protecting herself and the OM or if she's protecting you. I think perhaps the biggest key to reconciliation is a truly remorseful wayward. Openness, honesty, and transparency are the biggest ways she can actively demonstrate her remorse. Yet, you both are stopping her. I think this will delay your healing. When it comes to healing, it is said that denial is the first stage of grief and acceptance is the last. As harry mentioned, how are you supposed to accept (or forgive) what you don't even know? I suggest you read 'Joseph's Letter' from the link below. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know Again, this is just my personal $.02 but I think your best route forward is to decide that you are man enough to handle whatever you hear, to find the courage to ask whatever questions you can summon, to have no reservations about asking more or repeated questions, and to allow your wife to demonstrate her remorse by baring her soul. I think your reluctance is stopping all of that from happening. And when it comes to the mind movies, your head is probably filling in the blanks with the worst case scenario already. Sometimes the reality is less than your imagination. And I agree with Furious... right now the priority should be on taking care of yourself, mentally and physically. Be selfish, not in a mean-spirited way but in a protective sort of way. In the meantime, be smart enough to know that the answers are not in the bottom of that liquor bottle. 3
bubbaganoosh Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 The thing that's bothering me is that your turning to booze. Gotta tell you that it might numb the pain today but when you wake up the next day the pain is staring you in the face and will continue. If you need to know the answers, then sit her down and let her know that your going to as and she's going to answer. Tell her that there are no other options and it's your way or the highway and let her know that you'll ask and continue to ask until your satisfied. Now. If she agrees and gives you all the gory details about her affair what are you going to do next. You can't flip a switch and go back in time if it's too much to bear. The fact of the matter is you know what she did. IMO what you have to do is make your mind up. If you want to keep the marriage then both of you get to a MC and work it out and if you can't then move on but stop the drinking. It does no good. As far as your daughter goes. If she wants to know whats going on then you turn to your wife and inform her that she's the one that caused this mess and now the floor is now hers and let her do the explaining.
nightmare01 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 [...] Even so I feel as though I've not reached rock bottom yet, my wife is trying her best to save our marriage (so she says)and myself of course as I've always thought that the family and marriage is the backbone of society and must be protected. I just cannot seem to ask the questions I feel I need to ask, my wife still has this barrier up and won't tell me anything because she says she does not want to hurt me anymore. [...] I strongly disagree with the poster that said you should not ask questions because the answers will hurt your recovery. YES answers to your questions will hurt like hell. And you wont be able to un-hear those answers. BUT UNLESS YOU ASK THEM AND YOUR WW ANSWERS THEM HONESTLY THOSE QUESTIONS WILL HAUNT YOU FOREVER. We are being asked to either forgive or live with what our WS have done. But how can you forgive something when you dont know WHAT you are forgiving? By withholding the answers you need your WW is controlling what you know. By controlling what you know she controls what decisions you make. Lies are not about "protecting" someone. Instead lies are about CONTROLLING someones actions. They are also about protecting the liar. IMO FULL DISCLOSURE (as painful as it is) is absolutely necessary if your M is going to survive this.
Fluttershy Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 She should be not deciding for you what you need to know or not. She betrayed you and you are not a child. As far as too much details. I don't think when, where, did you do anything new with him, how long, who it was, did you future fake or really plan a life. Did you say I LY. Did you mean it?. None of that is tmi. If it was for the BS I actually think that shows rugsweeping behaviour. Questions you should be careful of are the actual play by play of the acts. Really ask if you want to know that. Have you had her read the pin post at the top?
drifter777 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 You are entitled to any of the details you want. Be forewarned that you cannot unhear anything once she tells you, but she needs to be honest and tell you whatever you think you need to know. If that's simply a timeline, so be it. If it's "how many times, where did you meet, was he better" then so be it. Even if it's "what did you do to him? what did he do to you?" then so be it. No one can decide for you what you need to know. Anyone who espouses that you need every detail or that the details are hurtful and don't matter anyway is making a value judgement for you that they have no right to make. This is about you and your recovery and you need whatever you need. You don't say if you are in IC or not. If not, I urge you to find a counselor to talk to who will help you sort our your feelings and focus on your personal recovery. Until you start to understand yourself and how you truly feel about her cheating you can't make a good decision about R or D. 1
RightThere Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I have lost 25 Lbs in the last 2 months, started drinking too much,can't sleep, making mistakes at work, headaches etc, have dark, dark thoughts about the OM and my wife, of course I know I could never physically assault either of them as I've not been brought up to act that way. At the two month mark, I was probably as deep down in a hole as you feel right now. I lost about 30 lbs off an already pretty skinny frame. Lucky if I slept 2 hours a night. I removed all the booze from our place because I knew I would crawl into a bottle and be lost. As for the dark, dark thoughts....yeah, I've been there. Focus on some of the 180 stuff. I found I was literally faking it until I made it. Just forcing that positive thinking to be in my head and eventually I just became a part of how I approached things. Do I need to ask my wife all the questions that are bothering me so much and causing so much grief? maybe if I did know everything it would send me even further into depression or maybe it would enable me to move forward. Like some others have mentioned, you need to ask as many questions as you need to so you can understand better and not have lingering thoughts. Two things you need to be careful of. (1) You cannot unhear anything your wife tells you. So think about what the worst answer might be before you ask it. (2) I got to the point when my questions became redundant because I was trying to understand how she could have done this to me. The simple answer that your WW may never tell you is: "I did it because I wanted to and it felt good" Good luck.
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