Romantic Love vs. Committed Love, food for thought.

[FredJones80]

In my quest to seek better understand of why relationships break down I have basically been researching as much as I can and trying to understand the natural progression of relationships.

 

As many here are quite short term 1-2 years it seems there is a bit of myth or lack of understanding about love and its progression. In fact I've never even really thought about it, only muddled through. Relationships break down more and more these days because I feel we are being sold a false dream or image of what true love really is and the power that we as individuals have to choose to love or not to love.

 

An excellent article I read recently :-

 

Will Meek PhD | Counselor Vancouver WA | Counseling Psychologist Therapist | Marriage Counselors in Vancouver WA)

 

explains the difference between Romantic Love which is the initial socks flying passionate, head spinning crazy love of most short term relationships. This does not last, I repeat THIS DOES NOT LAST. We are ever sold this image of a blissful ending after finding "the one true love" .. yes we can find "the one" from many "the ones" but it takes work and choice to keep this going.

 

People are readily giving up on relationships that could be good (no, this isn't bitter talking due to the loss of my own, this was my partners choice, probably through faults caused by us both, I still don't have exact answer and maybe never will) but what I think is a truth.

 

I think it is important for people to realise that when Romantic Love ends the choice of Committed Love begins and this is where many people think "they just aren't feeling it anymore" or "I think I fell out of love with you" - An excellent post by a very insightful member, Pfenixphire is one of my favourites :-

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/437625-i-finally-understand-why-my-last-relationship-failed#post5319687

 

As he so correctly states "Love (and "in love"), in some respects, is a choice." and I feel this is where society as a whole is ignorant. I was never taught this at school, relationship advice was never given to me. I saw my parents and made assumptions. Many people come from "broken homes" and as such also make assumptions. It appears as if we're left to our own devices and have to muddle through as best we can.

 

People (perhaps especially younger people) can't understand when the Romantic Love has faded why they suddenly or gradually wonder why they don't feel "in love" any more. Its such a shame that some healthy relationships end because we are lead to believe that we should feel a certain way. This is another point raised by Pfenixphire and I think he is totally correct.

 

Anyone who claims that they "can't change how they feel", or "cannot act against their feelings" is absolutely full of it.

 

I'm not saying there aren't reasons why people break up other than just choice. Many factors, people change, ambitions change, life goals change, the list is endless. But the simple fact remains that to "love" is a choice.

 

A quote for you :-

 

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

- Mignon McLaughlin

 

So while we feel "out of love" we must explore making changes, discussing the issue with our partners and also perseverance that things CAN and DO get better.

 

Although it is a struggle to work through a difficult or unhappy phase in a relationship, many of the couples who persevere do find happiness again. One study found that nearly two thirds (62%) of people who were unhappily married but stayed together reported that their relationships were happy five years later.

 

We're becoming a world of people who are giving up too easily, too easily lead to believe that everyone else is living in bliss. Marriage vows are not being taken seriously, committed relationships are ending, as Pfenixphire says, before even checking the pulse of the relationship.

 

Another decent post made today by elseaacych :-

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/476439-gf-22-left-me-after-2-5-years-gigs#post5694015

 

Although I am not 100% in agreement with the wording of "in love" as I personally think that is the feeling in the early stages of a relationship, the majority of that post is completely true and compliments Pfenixphire's post.

 

I feel it is sad that plenty of what could be decent relationships end regularly (just look at the recurring posts) because we are not educated enough to understand that "in love" feelings are impossible to last forever.

 

As the first article I linked to points out "Committed Love" can be seen as the more "boring" type, but you get out of it what you put in.

 

Unfortunately the saying is true, sometimes love just isn't enough and there are other factors at play. Communication is one I see as a massive area and unfortunately it is an area a lot of us fail quite badly. So my suggestion for myself and others, we need to learn to communicate our issues at an earlier stage before they turn in to resentment and niggle at the relationship to the point they build up and lead to its demise.

 

We need to better understand that our role in the relationship is the only thing we can dictate and it isn't a game of who is right or wrong, who feels like they're backing down, who is "losing", it is give and take, suck it up and accept something's, keep on at others, learn to compromise without losing yourself completely.

 

If I knew before what I know now I may never have lost what was so important to me. I hold my hands up, ignorance is a killer.

 

Good luck with your relationships, work harder and stronger to adapt, communicate, compromise and above all understand love is a choice and not a permanent "feeling"

[carhill]

Good luck with your relationships, work harder and stronger to adapt, communicate, compromise and above all understand love is a choice and not a permanent "feeling"

 

Thanks for the posting and TBH being married taught me more about the gist of your posting than any other one period of life and, for that, I thank my exW sincerely.

[mtnbiker3000]

I've seen other variations of this, but this is pretty much the same thing:

 

The 5 Relationship Stages

 

Or just google 'the stages of a relationship'

[Strength in Healing]

I've seen other variations of this, but this is pretty much the same thing:

 

The 5 Relationship Stages

 

Or just google 'the stages of a relationship'

 

 

That's farce psychology, no offense.

 

Reminds me of the stages of grief. The creator themselves STATED that this was NOT the order at which people experience the grief process, and often times, people don't experience one or many stages in the standard grief process.

 

 

 

Look, we try to logically break down things into stages so that we can feel more aware and in control.

 

Here's the reality of why most relationships fail:

 

People believe too much in the fairy tales and/or movies, and perfect love. It has to do with the narcissistic, entitled nature that has befallen this generation. That, and lack of self control.

 

This trying to break things into stages thing is doing no good.

 

 

You want to make a relationship work? Learn these on an expert level:

 

Introspection

Mindfulness

Empathy

 

 

And make damn sure your partner does to. I would bet my car, my life, and everything else on Earth that by FAR a relationship where partners understand those 3 things will have INFINITELY greater chances of working out than those who don't.

Edited May 11, 2014 by Strength in Healing

[Grumpybutfun]

Committed Romantic Love is an action, a movement made up of feelings..it is comprised of respect, kindness, admiration, lust, interest, fidelity, trust, and joy. I choose it everyday...it isn't an obligation or a chore but a choice to be with my wife who is the most wonderful and sweetest woman in the world. I feel all of those feelings for her because she is positive and joyful and evokes those feeling in me which all together makes love.

 

Being in love or out of love usually means limerence is over. Love is thrown around like it is a feeling on its own but in youthful parlance or new relationship form is usually lust, crushing or limerence.

 

You get what real love is after five or six years of real life invading your love nest and you still feel respect, kindness, passion, faith, trust, admiration and joy at being with that person everyday in the everyday.

 

It is a choice,

Grumps

[iris219]

I don't think it's an either/or thing. You can have committed romantic love. Of course the butterflies everyday feeling settles down, but you still need romantic love. Without it, your relationship might be "good," but it will be like being with your brother or sister.

[regine_phalange]

Love is love. Why would someone make a taxonomy of "loves"? Sure, love needs tending, stimulation, commitment. But it's the same thing, manifesting into different forms in a circular way, throughout the whole course of a relationship. Passion, tenderness, passion, routine, tenderness, passion, routine, passion, tenderness, passion... Even though I have no proof, I am a believer that with the right person this would be a neverending circle. Falling in love again and again.

[mtnbiker3000]

IME, when a relationship gets to a point where it needs work (after the honeymoon stage, or whatever you want to call it, or not call it), if both people aren't willing to put in said work then it's just a matter of time until the RS is over. Label it whatever you want.

 

And, in today's society of social media, OLD, etc... it becomes very easy to just quit one RS and start another, rather than put in some actual work at creating a successful RS. People are lazy.

[FredJones80]

Thanks for the inspirational posts. I've taken something from each and every one of them.

[Frank2thepoint]

Love is love. Why would someone make a taxonomy of "loves"? Sure, love needs tending, stimulation, commitment. But it's the same thing, manifesting into different forms in a circular way, throughout the whole course of a relationship. Passion, tenderness, passion, routine, tenderness, passion, routine, passion, tenderness, passion... Even though I have no proof, I am a believer that with the right person this would be a neverending circle. Falling in love again and again.

 

Indeed you are correct my dear romantic Scorpio. At the very core of it, it's just love. But to break love down to it's elements, it is a feeling, a choice, and understanding. Feeling for romance, passion, and tenderness. A choice to stay together and work through difficulties. And an understanding to respect and communicate with one another.

[jt27]

Great post Fred. I agree completely. Too often people (mostly women, sorry ladies) have this incredibly unrealistic idea of how their relationship should go. And if those expectations aren"t met, then it's not "right" or he/she isn't the "one". Meaning once the warm fuzzies where off, it takes work and effort. Once it stopped being easy in my relationship, my ex pretty much checked out. She didn't want to work for or understand that working through it would only make us stronger. Instead she just gave up (it's a characteristic she's show in regards to other things, not just us). I should have recognized this and knew once we had some problems that she wouldn't really want to work through it.

[janedoe67]

I have a parental 50 plus year example of how romantic and committed love CAN coexist. I don't believe for one second that it cannot.

[FredJones80]

Great post Fred. I agree completely. Too often people (mostly women, sorry ladies) have this incredibly unrealistic idea of how their relationship should go. And if those expectations aren"t met, then it's not "right" or he/she isn't the "one". Meaning once the warm fuzzies where off, it takes work and effort. Once it stopped being easy in my relationship, my ex pretty much checked out. She didn't want to work for or understand that working through it would only make us stronger. Instead she just gave up (it's a characteristic she's show in regards to other things, not just us). I should have recognized this and knew once we had some problems that she wouldn't really want to work through it.

 

How long were you together jt27?

[somedude81]

The concept sounds very similar to something I read in a different forum

 

 

 

 

 

----------------------

The Natural Progression of a Relationship by Wyldfire

 

1)Interest and Attraction...this is where two people initially see or meet each other and decide they both want to get to know each other better.

 

2)Infatuation and Falling in Love...this is the stage where you become blinded by your emotions and often times behave like a love sick puppy dog. The attention and mushiness of the other person makes you feel really great about yourself and you begin to fall "in love"...this is all about how YOU feel about yourself because of the other person. IT is NOT love. It is that thing that reduces you to a slobbering fool who speaks in "baby talk".

 

3) The Comfort Zone...this is where you start to relax, and move out of the infatuation stage into something more "real". This is also the time where feelings begin to deepen towards the other person while experiencing a reduced feeling of being "in love". After being in this stage for awhile many people make the mistake of thinking the relationship is in trouble because they aren't still infatuated. In reality, the relationship is beginning to grow into Mature Love. So many people bail at this point and never actually reach the "Love" stage.

 

4) Mature Love...this is the real deal, folks. You have reached the point of having a genuinely mature relationship, that, if you have chosen the right partner, is a beautiful thing.

 

Reaching Stage 4 doesn't mean the fun is all over, though. You can and will go from stage to stage at different times throughout the relationship. You can even learn to do things that will make you and your partner feel infatuated and falling in love all over again.

 

Most relationships are either made or broken during the Comfort Zone. That is the most important time to really work your skills in a relationship so your partner doesn't bail.

-------------------------------------------

 

My girlfriend dumped me in the middle of stage 3, we were together for six months.

[tlegend]

Honestly, this is an amazing thread.

 

Kudos to all of you who posted this information to read. It truly is a humbling experience to read these different views.

[Quiet Storm]

With my husband and I, there is still romance and passion. We've been together since 1991. We still do sweet things for each other and flirt with each other. We still are very sexual with each other.

 

Early love is just crazy intense. We were obsessed with each other back then. It felt so right and so overwhelming at the same time. That urgent intensity is part of our journey as a couple. That chemistry bonded us for life.

 

Once we had that bond, marriage and kids came. We built a family, and our love wasn't just about us anymore. It had a greater purpose. It evolved, but not into something boring or stale. It is deeper, even more connected. Not only lovers, but family,too.

 

Its unrealistic to expect 24/7 kisses and I love yous. You shouldn't rely on your partner for validation. You should also make your needs clear early on. And learn your love languages. It does take effort.and sacrifice sometimes. You can't only think about you. I think my marriage is something that should be protected, respected and treasured. I make sure my actions reflect that, even during down times.

 

Its unrealistic to think there won't be ups and downs. The "for better for worse" vow is designed to keep people together in bad times, until the good times again.

 

If you talk to older couples, they will tell you about lots of ups and downs. Their lives together have a foundation of love, peppered with arguments, disappointment, stress, struggles. Yet- they still shared that common vision...This is our family. This is our legacy. We WILL be laying side by side in the cemetery. It's rare, these days, for couples to have that mindset.

[todreaminblue]

what i learnt about love comes from my family .....ancestors and family that have passed on who remained together.commitment to the end, they grew old together through everything, broken backs, lost homes fires floods stress and war ...parted temporarily by death and war but their hearts remained together

 

 

 

what i also know about love is from failure in keeping love alive through separation, thoughtlessness, lack of compassion, selfishness, mental emotional and physical abuse in the name of supposed love.....

 

 

and i know how i want to love, need to love and be loved to be happy.......

 

 

i believe in love.........and i think the stages of love differ and are unique to the couples involved.......but if there is no abiding commitment to see it through........thick and thin....to give time that doesnt have limits or an expiry date....

 

 

if there is limits or expiration dates or half heartedness in regulations and do this or else policies, then there is no love there for me...this may not be the same for everyone else i know that ...but it is my way to love..... my heart is in that place with specific vows that last mutually respectfully and passionately ......no expiry date on me loving someone, no time to limit or even the passion i would have to keep love alive............ill be there with that guy...one day....:0)....(my fave saying is one day )

 

 

i have enjoyed this thread.....thanks for posting op.......deb

[jt27]

Tip I think you are being presumptuous thinking you know the intracies of my relationship. We talked marriage constantly and regularly told me that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. We were shopping for rings. I am not confusing dating with marriage. I understand the vow. I am speaking of what it takes to make any relationship successful...working through the down times. Every relationship has them. My point is she just wanted easy and when the going got tough, she did not. She actually said "If it isn't easy, it isn't right" and "I want the fairytale". Not a healthy perspective if you ask me. It's not about what I want or what I think is right for her. It's about what it takes to make a relationship work. Our relationship ended 6 weeks ago. It's for the best. I am only speaking of the unrealistic expectations a lot of people have. Nothing more.

 

Fred my relationship lasted 3 years.

[Leigh 87]

uhh no, plenty of couples are romantically in love and feel passion and also have compassionate, long term love.

 

People who say otherwise just haven't been able to find partners where there was much passion to begin with, or the passion soon dies and they are left with a platonic partner who may as well be there best friend.

 

Many women like myself feel like we don't have to end up with a partner who we only like as a best friend, with no romance or passion present.

 

Of course if I start a family one day and pay off a mortgage with a partner, I am sure I will come home from work and want to crash into bed, sometimes without so much as a dinner or much of a conversation with my partner.

 

That doesn't mean the passion isn't there, it just means that life doesn't always allow you to have TIME to explore your feelings when there are kids to look after and bills to pay.

 

I don't think you need to "spice things up" JUST to have good sex:sick: With natural chemistry, you simply have to have a happy and healthy relationship, be nice to each other and, when there is free time from looking after kids and.. keeping the house together, you go into the bedroom and have great sex.

 

Lack of romance is probably due to couples whom never have the spark to begin with, and therefore they need to resort to wearing wigs and booking motel rooms and role playing JUST to the guy can get a hard on for them....

 

Romance is NOT a rarity among long term, committed relationships.

[FredJones80]

Tip I think you are being presumptuous thinking you know the intracies of my relationship. We talked marriage constantly and regularly told me that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. We were shopping for rings. I am not confusing dating with marriage. I understand the vow. I am speaking of what it takes to make any relationship successful...working through the down times. Every relationship has them. My point is she just wanted easy and when the going got tough, she did not. She actually said "If it isn't easy, it isn't right" and "I want the fairytale". Not a healthy perspective if you ask me. It's not about what I want or what I think is right for her. It's about what it takes to make a relationship work. Our relationship ended 6 weeks ago. It's for the best. I am only speaking of the unrealistic expectations a lot of people have. Nothing more.

 

Fred my relationship lasted 3 years.

 

There is definitely a difference between "dating" and a "relationship" - ie; people can live together for a long time without being married, it doesn't mean they should be or are any less committed because they aren't married.

 

Before marriage a relationship should be able to weather those storms and be committed, a piece of paper and a ring isn't going to magically instil that if it isn't there to begin with.

 

I agree "dating" is different as that implies something much more short term.

 

I do think jt27 is right, there are an element of people who think being with "the one" will be "easy" and if it takes work then they aren't "the one"... what a load of old baloney.

[FredJones80]

Its unrealistic to think there won't be ups and downs. The "for better for worse" vow is designed to keep people together in bad times, until the good times again.

 

If you talk to older couples, they will tell you about lots of ups and downs. Their lives together have a foundation of love, peppered with arguments, disappointment, stress, struggles. Yet- they still shared that common vision...This is our family. This is our legacy. We WILL be laying side by side in the cemetery.

 

Your story is great and I hope you have many happy years. Unfortunately people don't tend to take those vows seriously these days either, a lot of couples hit a "worse" patch and get divorced, as you say the good times may come again.

 

It's rare, these days, for couples to have that mindset.

 

The problem is finding two people who share that view. Not just one side.

[jt27]

Fred, we very like minded. I agree with everything you said.

 

Quiet Storm, your story gives me hope. Thank you.

[learning_slowly]

I don't think it is just women.

 

In every relationship I have been in, the fireworks only last about a year or so, of living together. And it doesn't matter if they are beauty queens or not, it made no difference.

 

I can't believe I'm the only one. I'm sure it was for the survival of the species. We stay long enough to procreate and move on.

 

However, we have the power to overcome biology, where we can have relationships which last a lifetime, but all of my longer ones have relied on work when other aspects of life get in the way.

 

Ideally this would be taught in schools rather than life teaching us through mistakes.

[FredJones80]

I don't think it is just women.

 

In every relationship I have been in, the fireworks only last about a year or so, of living together. And it doesn't matter if they are beauty queens or not, it made no difference.

 

I can't believe I'm the only one. I'm sure it was for the survival of the species. We stay long enough to procreate and move on.

 

However, we have the power to overcome biology, where we can have relationships which last a lifetime, but all of my longer ones have relied on work when other aspects of life get in the way.

 

Damn, I'm finding myself agreeing with your posts more these days learning_slowly, previously I've disagreed with most

 

There is certainly truth in what you write. Biology and "animal instinct" play a large role in things but we have also evolved somewhat as you say to be able choose to keep long term relationships.

 

The basic nature of the system was to ensure the survival of the species, just look at how the animal world mostly works. However we have progressed with morals and the like.

 

While passion can definitely still be had in long term relationships there is a massive difference between the initial "spark" that brought two people together and the long term one that needs to be nurtured.

 

So basically goes back to there is a difference between Romantic Love and Committed Love. I think some are missing the point and thinking "Romance" then has to die which is completely wrong and not the point.

 

You can be in "Committed Love" and still be romantic, intimate, sensual etc.

 

I agree with learning_slowly that life can get in the way and I think it takes two exceptional adults to battle through, unfortunately I or my ex weren't, otherwise we would be together

 

This kind of situation is confirmed by the fact many relationships end after the 1-2 year mark when "Romantic Love" dies off and what is left is "Committed Love" at the mark when two people just aren't compatible or don't choose to make the sacrifices required, plus many other reasons.

 

Ideally this would be taught in schools rather than life teaching us through mistakes.

 

I definitely agree, if we want to stop possible healthy or good relationships failing more education needs to be taught rather than people being fooled by TV, media and false realities.

 

How many times do you hear after a year or two.. "we just fell out of love"

Edited May 13, 2014 by FredJones80

[FredJones80]

Fred, we very like minded. I agree with everything you said.

 

Although it makes it annoying and easy to blame your partner for doing it to you or having a false sense of love and reality, do you feel more accepting that the way society is evolving and media pushing a false sense of love that she is less to blame for her outlook on love and more conditioned through the world that is forced upon us?

 

Basically, people tend to believe what they see or are told, you tell people something enough times, they tend to believe it. Ie; North Korea etc. Brainwash through media is a powerful tool.