gf (22) left me after 2,5 years. gigs?

[mike84]

Hey guys, I’d like to share the story about my ex gf who broke up with me a month ago. Is it GIGS?

 

To cut a long story short. We were together for about 2,5 years, she was 20 when we first met, I was 27. I was her first boyfriend and sex partner and we had a fantastic time together, we were soul mates, shared the same interests and were also best friends.

 

In february or so she started to change. She started to flirt with a co-worker (it was quite innocent, but nevertheless), partied till 7 am, didn’t want to see me that often, didn’t want to sleep with me anymore and became colder and colder. Additionally one of her best friends broke up with her boyfriend as well, and I’m quite sure that also influenced her a little bit.

 

Her reason for the BU was that she wasn’t sure if she still loved me 100% and she said that she got the feeling that I loved here more and she couldn’t give it back. She would miss the “chemistry“ that we had in the beginning of our relationship and thought that we were more friends than lovers. Additionally she stated: “To be honest, I don’t know exactly what I feel and that’s part of the problem“.

 

The other problem is that I didn't realise how clingy and needy I was when we were together but now I remember how often she mentioned that she needed more space for herself, but instead of giving her that space I smothered her with my texts, Ims and calls and often complained to her that she wouldn't love me anymore and said that I would invest a lot more in our relationship.

 

Now, after a month, I’m still not completely over her, but I’m making some progress. We had contact for about 3 weeks after the BU (i know big mistake), she texted me a lot and stuff but last saturday I wrote her a long mail in which i stated that I realised that I need to let her go and wished her the all the best for the future. I’m NC since then (a week) and it really opened my eyes. I’m feeling much better now. But: I still think that she's the love of my life. The thing is I'm 30 now and I don't if i should wait for her. She never cheated on me, was always honest about her feelings and is a really good person..

 

A mutual friend told me that she texts quite frequently with a guy she met 2 weeks ago. Someone I would describe as a player or the total opposite of me. This looks also like GIGS to me..

 

I’d like to have your opinion about the whole thing. Problem is we are in the same friend circle and eventually I will run into her.

 

Mike.

Edited May 11, 2014 by mike84

[nutcheesy]

Same story as me. She has left you for the new guy. If he's better, she'll probably stay on with him. Otherwise, she will come back. She's testing the water. No friends text each other on a frequent basis..

 

Now the question is.. can we still take back someone who left us? Im NC 3 weeks, that's still the constant debate going on in my head. If she comes back, will i take her back?

[Tressugar]

What is gigs?!

[mike84]

I heard from our mutual friend that they are just texting, not dating. I mean a lot of things can happen from now on. They can either start dating and become a couple or maybe the guy loses interest in her (or even vice versa).. You never know...

 

It's quite hard for me to accept that she needs to date or even sleep with other guys to see how good our relationship was.. And I'm also asking myself the same question: If she comes back, will i take her back?

 

Two days after our BU i got a letter from her in which she wrote:

"I don't know what the future holds for us, but one thing I know for sure: You are my first and true love. Our story is epic and I will never forget it."

 

@Tressugar

GIGS = (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome)

[elseaacych]

Personally, as a fairly young person myself, I think GIGS is bullsh-t. I mean, I had times in my relationship where I loved, but wasn't in love with my ex-partner. It was hard, because I knew I had other (objectively better) options, but because I valued what I had with my ex, I wasn't going to throw it away because I thought there was going to be something better out there. There will always be something better out there. Whether they live next door or is 1000 miles away. If you value your partner highly enough, that "something better" really isn't better, it's just different. The only thing differentiating it is novelty, compatibility levels, and the level of commitment both partners want to put into the relationship.

 

If you value your partner and think they're the one, if your love is "epic" you don't leave. Period. You weather the storm and work through it. If you can't work through the storm, THEN you leave. But to leave when you're bored and nothing's wrong is just stupid.

 

That being said, I know many people don't think like I do and will get off my soapbox. So, I will concur I think she may come sniffing back around if this new thing doesn't work. Then it will be up to you whether you take her back.

But, honestly, don't wait around. You are entitled to some happiness in this life, and deserve a partner who will be committed to you. Don't worry about who she's screwing or not, or whether she will come back or not because you don't know. What you know is that you guys are DONE. FINITO. Yes it sucks, but you have no choice but to grieve and move on.

[FredJones80]

Personally, as a fairly young person myself, I think GIGS is bullsh-t. I mean, I had times in my relationship where I loved, but wasn't in love with my ex-partner. It was hard, because I knew I had other (objectively better) options, but because I valued what I had with my ex, I wasn't going to throw it away because I thought there was going to be something better out there. There will always be something better out there. Whether they live next door or is 1000 miles away. If you value your partner highly enough, that "something better" really isn't better, it's just different. The only thing differentiating it is novelty, compatibility levels, and the level of commitment both partners want to put into the relationship.

 

If you value your partner and think they're the one, if your love is "epic" you don't leave. Period. You weather the storm and work through it. If you can't work through the storm, THEN you leave. But to leave when you're bored and nothing's wrong is just stupid.

 

Amazing.

 

Agreed, not everyone thinks like this, a shame though.

[mike84]

Personally, as a fairly young person myself, I think GIGS is bullsh-t. I mean, I had times in my relationship where I loved, but wasn't in love with my ex-partner. It was hard, because I knew I had other (objectively better) options, but because I valued what I had with my ex, I wasn't going to throw it away because I thought there was going to be something better out there. There will always be something better out there. Whether they live next door or is 1000 miles away. If you value your partner highly enough, that "something better" really isn't better, it's just different. The only thing differentiating it is novelty, compatibility levels, and the level of commitment both partners want to put into the relationship.

 

You've got a point, but I also had to find myself a few years ago. I had 3 previous relationships and 4 sex partner before her..I had a lot of bad experiences and maybe that's the reason why I put more effort in our RS.

 

I should have known all this gigs stuff before our RS, but it was love on first sight, the day we met we kissed and immediately fell in love...

[elseaacych]

You've got a point, but I also had to find myself a few years ago. I had 3 previous relationships and 4 sex partner before her..I had a lot of bad experiences and maybe that's the reason why I put more effort in our RS.

 

I should have known all this gigs stuff before our RS, but it was love on first sight, the day we met we kissed and immediately fell in love...

 

It's true that your experiences made you who you are and impacted how you treated your relationship. You saw it as special so you treated as such.

 

Some people are so lucky that they do meet someone who they have a special connection with right out the gate. You don't have to have experience to know when you have a good thing going for you. She even acknowledged how "special" your love was. And it was. I bet it was a wonderful relationship! She was so lucky! If I were lucky enough to meet a guy who I had complementary life goals with, got along with, and wanted to be in a relationship with me (and I with him), I would ride that train as far as I could and do whatever I could to keep us together.

 

But what did you end up with? Someone who tells you how "special" and "epic" your love is and then wants to leave you to go dick around with other guys to "figure herself out"? Really? If she thought it was "special", she would stay around for you, because if it was "special", she wouldn't leave! That doesn't seem like the special relationship you deserve.

 

All relationships are special until they end. Then, they don't seem so special anymore, because they can be broken. You two don't have the unbreakable bond, the unwaivering commitment that ALL TRULY SPECIAL relationships have.

 

If you want unwaivering love and unbreakable commitment, she is not going to give it to you. Someone doesn't care enough to want to deal with the underlying problem. (In your case, her dying passion.) You've already learned that she can and will leave. And she has left. She would likely do it again because a. she can't be satisfied, and b. she already knows she can walk out at any time. You are not wrong for doubting whether you should take her back or not (if she comes back), because you know what you want and what you deserve, and you know you want a commitment and a committed relationship for whatever duration. (If I am reading your posts correctly.) Her lack of commitment SHOULD give you pause.

 

But don't pause too long, because she's already gone. There's nothing you can do about it, there's nothing you can do to stop her or bring her back. So grieve her bad decision, but don't beat yourself up about it. Take a leaf from her book. The grass is greener elsewhere.

Edited May 11, 2014 by elseaacych

[Strength in Healing]

Lmao she wrote your love story was epic?

 

Here's the facts, she's a little kid, as ESPECIALLY evidenced by her saying your love story is epic.

 

She needed to get with more people, that's just a fact. She needs to grow the heck up big time. It is what it is. Harsh, yes, but you dated someone who was way younger than you.

 

My advice now? Find someone 30+, no more kids.

Edited May 11, 2014 by Strength in Healing

[mike84]

Lmao she wrote your love story was epic?

 

Here's the facts, she's a little kid, as ESPECIALLY evidenced by her saying your love story is epic.

 

 

She wrote this because we met under very special circumstances..

[Strength in Healing]

She wrote this because we met under very special circumstances..

 

Unless you came out of a genie bottle and freed her from the 7 dwarves, then her saying it was epic is incredibly pretentious and showing of her age.

 

It hurts to hear this, trust me I know. I was 27 and with a 21 year old. Point is it doesn't work. They're too young, and it's BS. Start healing brother.

[Always Pondering]

I'll tell you my story and you can take whatever you want from it.

 

We were in a relationship for 2 years then we broke up. She started going to parties and clubbing as well. I was also needy and clingy and did not realize it. She essentially stated the same reason for breaking up was the same as yours (for the most part, just worded differently and stuff).

 

About two weeks post-BU, she started seeing someone then they proceeded to become a couple some time later. That person was the complete opposite from me as well. They were in a relationship for about 4 months (it was sort of LDR) then they broke up. She contacted me, I fell for breadcrumbs like an idiot and then she started seeing someone else a week right after her break up and our contact (which is no longer present).

 

As far as I'm aware, they are currently still boyfriend and girlfriend and from what I heard last, they're very happy together. Honeymoon phase or not, I feel they most likely won't be breaking up anytime soon.

 

Point here is that even if this new guy ends up being "GIGS", she may not end up going back to you or waiting for you but I'm not her so I cannot tell.

 

Personally though, I wouldn't wait around.

[johnson_j]

Age has little to do with maturity, unfortunately. The most mature girl I've dated was a 24 y/o and the least was a 34 y/o.

 

 

It sounds like GIGS but you'll have to let her determine that on her own.

[elseaacych]

What many people fail to understand is that GIGS is a symptom that there is something wrong in the relationship (and it's not always that the GIGS haver is "immature due to age and lack of life experience") People only get GIGS when they perceive something wrong in the relationship, or are just unhappy.

 

Most people at this point in the , due to STUPIDITY, COMMITMENT ISSUES, and/or maybe some other less than desirable elements of their personality, will then bail without really analyzing whether or not they have an articulable reason to leave and if that reason is worth acting on. (Why GIGS dumpers seem confused.) Some GIGS people just see that "Eh. I am not happy/not in love," is good enough reason to break up.

 

You don't need a legit reason to break up with someone. You just need to do it. But really, sometimes GIGS says a lot more about the person than about the situation. It doesn't matter if it was a good or a bad relationship, but they were willing to cut you out of their life.

 

The only way to treat GIGS is to either catch it in the early stage and address why you feel you feel like leaving a relationship, or to break up and go sniff out some new grass. The only way a dumpee can treat GIGS is to just move on and try not to qualify why the other person wanted to break up. It doesn't matter because you're done. And it doesn't help to classify someone as GIGS or think they might come back, because it just keeps you from moving on.

Edited May 11, 2014 by elseaacych

[mike84]

You guys are right, i have to forget her.. Instead of dreaming about a bright future (with her), I should really see the bad sides of our relationship. Fact is, I was a bit needy and clingy but nevertheless invested a lot in our RS. I often got the feeling that the more I invested, the less she put in. For example, I cooked for her every day and showed my love in various other ways. I wrote long mails to express my feelings, but didn't get any other response than "You are over-analysing". And yeah, it's right, it's not about age of maturity, it's about believing in love..

 

I haven't heard from her since 8 days, but as we are in the same friend circle, I know that she's having fun with my/our other friends. I don't get the feeling that she's sad about the fact she left. And analogue to our RS, it's me who is thinking about her, while she is having fun and surely not breaking her head over me. Plus she hasn't even replied to my mail in which i wished her all the best for the future.. It's a pity, really.

[FredJones80]

For example, I cooked for her every day and showed my love in various other ways. I wrote long mails to express my feelings

 

Heh, don't worry about it mike84. Woman bang on all the time about how they want all that. The women who don't have it are envious of the women who do have it. Then the women who do have it, leave...

 

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

[Chi townD]

Yep! Sorry dude. But it's time to move on with your life. If she's out having fun, it's time you start doing the same. Take a trip somewhere and get yourself out of the norm. Take some time away from things that are you going to remind you of her and see new things. Take time away to decompress and re-energize.

[Brutus]

Heh, don't worry about it mike84. Woman bang on all the time about how they want all that. The women who don't have it are envious of the women who do have it. Then the women who do have it, leave...

 

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

 

True story.

 

My ex liked me because I was (not sure i still am after all what happened) a sensitive person. By the end of the RS she started cooling down and after I wrote her a long email expressing my feelings she complained - of course not to me but with a friend - that she wanted me to be tougher and not to express my feelings. I guess it is simply because she was a coward, afraid of strong feelings which made her feel, in that particular moment by the end of our RS, guilty for her incapacity to feel as strong as she once did.

So many people are just uncapable of dealing with strong feelings, because they are immature, and prefer throwing themselves into teenage-style partying to wash away from their head any sense of guilt and responsibility. Yes, that's also what my ex did. The world is full of horribly selfish people. Maybe, after all, it is good we lost them.

[Brutus]

I often got the feeling that the more I invested, the less she put in. For example, I cooked for her every day and showed my love in various other ways. I wrote long mails to express my feelings, but didn't get any other response than "You are over-analysing".

 

A sad truth I had to learn when the girl I loved more than anything in the world broke up with me was that those who love the most are the most vulnerable. It is sad, because it jeopardizes your capacity to ever love again to the same extent you did before. You will find it difficult to trust someone again and will always be afraid to be hurt that badly again. THIS is the worst legacy of a breakup when you really invested all your heart in it.

[mike84]

A sad truth I had to learn when the girl I loved more than anything in the world broke up with me was that those who love the most are the most vulnerable. It is sad, because it jeopardizes your capacity to ever love again to the same extent you did before. You will find it difficult to trust someone again and will always be afraid to be hurt that badly again. THIS is the worst legacy of a breakup when you really invested all your heart in it.

 

I feel exactly the same , Brutus. It was so hard for me to open up to her and when I finally did it, it backfired on me. The stuff she knew about me didn't make her love me more, but less... And that's the shame of this story.

 

Plus I've got the feeling that she is the "winner" of everything. I've already missed 2 or 3 nice evenings with our mutual friends because she's hanging around with them. Next Saturday two of our friends are throwing a party, but I will/can not attend, because she'll be there as well...

[elseaacych]

Not entirely true for everyone.

 

When all my buddies and I were in our 20s, our GFs were amazing Otherwise we wouldn't have been with them for years in a committed relationship. As we got older and after a few years in college we wanted to go have the "college experience", party, have fun, be carefree, not have to be responsible or consider someone elses feelings, focus on school / careers, date / sleep around and not miss those opportunties. The problem is, you CANNOT do all that in a committed relationship. So you have no choice to end things inspite of our feelings for our GFs, how amazing they were and the fact we were happy.

 

I would argue that the incompatibility between the desired lifestyle and the relationship IS the problem, because you can't have it both ways. It's not that you were unhappy, but the clash in desires and not knowing what you want ultimately causes the split. (Oh, and the "college experience" is subjective to each person.)

 

You see this over and over again here in the break up, marriage, dating forum. A young guy or girl comes and says how great their BF / GF / Husband / Wife is but feel like they never had an opportunity to experience the world on their own, date / sleep around, live it up, be single, etc.

 

Of the many I have seen, they all end up breaking up. Sometimes it takes a few months but due to never really being single, never seeing what is out there, never knowing what it is like to really date, experience difficult break ups as a dumpee, have many lonely nights, deal with rejection, etc. they have no perspective or the life / dating / break up experience to know any different. This isn't knowledge that you can pour into them and they see the light. They have a strong need / desire to go find out for themselves and they usually do.

 

Yup. Life experience. Nothing like trying something and routinely being disappointed. [/sarcasm] People need to think logically and weigh the alternatives between leaving something they know is good, and going out and risking something better, or being thoroughly disappointed but getting life experience. It's rational human behavior to want to experience something but this is a situation where it just seems irrational to do so.

 

 

I agree the dumpee couldn't have stopped or prevented it. However, it's common knowledge that many kids are just having "fun" (wanting to date / sleep around, party, hang with friends, drink, bars, clubs, etc) in their early 20s and not wanting / avoiding anything serious. We call it GIGS here your parents may call it having the "college experience" you grandparents might call it "sowing your wild oats". Regardless of what you decide to call that phase of life / mindset / attitude that A LOT of kids that do go through it. If knowing that cause you problems or gives you false hope, the problem is on the dumpee and eventually they will figure it out and get over it.

 

You know what's not fun? Having a partner who doesn't know what they want and abandoning something good for potentially greener pastures. That sucks, and people inevitably get hurt. But people are dumb and sh-t happens.

The dumpee just needs to figure out how to handle being dumped, GIGS or not. I feel that many people on the receiving end of GIGS (especially the LSers who know what GIGS is and post about it, wondering if it's GIGS or not) hold out hope and just end up pining away. For example, for awhile I thought my ex had GIGS, but he jumped right into another committed relationship. So the grass is greener, yes? I still deluded myself thinking he'd be back. Moral of the story: dumped=dumped=dumped. Reasons irrelevant. Move on. Don't assume they're coming back.

 

That being said, I think we are actually closer in viewpoints than it looks. You're more of a risk taker, I am rather risk averse.

Edited May 12, 2014 by elseaacych

[lolablue17]

I've already missed 2 or 3 nice evenings with our mutual friends because she's hanging around with them. Next Saturday two of our friends are throwing a party, but I will/can not attend, because she'll be there as well...

 

Don't miss any evening you want to go to. She will be there? so what?! if you cant focus, bring a date to this evening or whatever...

[mike84]

I got breadcrumbs today after 8 days of NC...

 

"Hey Mike, how are you? Got a call from Laura (an 85-year old lady we used to visit on a monthly basis when we were together). I didn't pick up the phone. I didn't know what i should say to her. I hope nothing is wrong with her, let me know if she contacts you, okay?"

 

Just breadcrumbs, i know.. I didn't react..Any opinions?

Edited May 13, 2014 by mike84

[elseaacych]

Don't react to your ex, but go check up on Laura and give her a visit. She'll probably love your company.

[Chi townD]

I got breadcrumbs today after 8 days of NC...

 

"Hey Mike, how are you? Got a call from Laura (an 85-year old lady we used to visit on a monthly basis when we were together). I didn't pick up the phone. I didn't know what i should say to her. I hope nothing is wrong with her, let me know if she contacts you, okay?"

 

Just breadcrumbs, i know.. I didn't react..Any opinions?

 

 

You called it right, dude! Breadcrumbs. Nothing more than that. Ignore it.