Things feel...off with my boyfriend...

[stateofgrace]

So I'm just going to lay this all out here. I'm stressing myself out and need advice. Forgive me for the length..

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months, things were all well and good, but this past week, he's been working on this project at work, he's contacting me less, he bailed on me last night because he was tired even though he's the one who asked me to hang out, I don't remember the last time he said something cute - which he used to do on occasion, which is fine I can understand he's busy with work...I'm a pretty laid back person, but I'm not so laid back that I'm just cool with all of a sudden being put on the back burner and he could care less if he sees me or not (that's just the impression I feel he's giving me) I haven't said anything to him as to not stress him out, plus his birthday is in two days. But I also don't want to be with someone where I have no idea where I even stand with him. He hasn't been in a relationship for a few years, so I'm constantly giving him the benefit of the doubt, making excuses that maybe he just isn't used to being in a relationship again yet.. but it's starting to wear on me.

 

I know I'll probably be ripped to shreds because of this post, but I'm just kind of at a loss. I really like this guy and want to make it work, but I don't know where to go from here. Do I say something to him? If yes, how do I even approach the subject? He said he'll make it up to me when this project is finished, so do I wait until next week when this is done and just put up with this until then? Or do I say something...I'm not looking to start a fight with him, I just...god I don't know how to say anything without sounding like a total needy bitch, but like, he was giving me way more in the relationship and now it's just like he doesn't care any more or something or doesn't feel like he needs to put in any effort. But he still puts JUST ENOUGH effort in to make it so I can't say he isn't.

 

He sent me a text today telling me what they were doing on site and that he was cold & wet due to it raining all day. I sent him a reply pretty much saying, hang in there, that I'm thinking about him and only a few more days till I can help him forget how cold & wet he is right now........didn't get a response. However, he had time to cruise Facebook since then. It's just little things like that, that make me think...okay? Why do I bother saying something sweet if it doesn't even get acknowledged. But then again, why do I get worked up over a text? I just find it weird. I don't know. I like saying cute things like that, I don't think that's being too clingy..I never bombard him with texts or anything, we only exchange a few texts a day, but when he disregards it, I feel like I did something wrong and I feel stupid.. I don't want to feel like I can't say something. It's just a little frustrating I guess.

 

This is so different than other relationships I've been in and I'm not sure how to handle it. I don't want to give up on it because of a stupid reason. I guess I'm just wondering if I should shut up, let it go and see what happens and continue giving him the benefit of the doubt without a word, or if I should approach the subject calmly. I'd also like to add that this isn't an issue of trust, I know he's at work, I know he's not lying to me. Please be kind. I'm legit just someone who needs some advice.

 

Thanks

[acrosstheuniverse]

I actually had this a month or so into my current relationship (of only a few months)... suddenly, the frequency of texting dropped right off, and I felt as though he had just lost interest. I stewed it for a few days and eventually just sent him this:

 

'Correct me if I'm wrong, but I sense you're losing interest in this already. That's cool if that's the case, we haven't been seeing each other for very long. But I'd rather you let me know so that we can both move on and find people that make us happy'

 

Basically he came back to me saying he absolutely hadn't lost interest, he was busy with one thing or another and that he really didn't want to lose me. Things got a lot better after that. He knew what I needed to make me happy (more frequent communication), and I knew that he KNEW what I needed to be happy, so if he dropped off significantly again with that stuff I'd know he was doing it in full knowledge of it not being what I needed in a relationship and so I could just end it rather than ending it before having this discussion, and presuming that he was losing interest without any confirmation (and then kicking myself in case I was wrong).

 

So personally, if it's making you that unhappy and he really IS ignoring you significantly all of a sudden, I'd bring it up in that manner. Just play it cool, let him know you've noticed a change and if it's because he's had a change of heart it's fine but you'd prefer to just know outright. Give him chance to tell you what's going on. It might be that some simple reassurance 'no, I really do like you a lot and can't wait for this to be over so I can make it up to you' is all you need to see you through until next week. Then you can see if things change.

[stateofgrace]

I actually had this a month or so into my current relationship (of only a few months)... suddenly, the frequency of texting dropped right off, and I felt as though he had just lost interest. I stewed it for a few days and eventually just sent him this:

 

'Correct me if I'm wrong, but I sense you're losing interest in this already. That's cool if that's the case, we haven't been seeing each other for very long. But I'd rather you let me know so that we can both move on and find people that make us happy'

 

Basically he came back to me saying he absolutely hadn't lost interest, he was busy with one thing or another and that he really didn't want to lose me. Things got a lot better after that. He knew what I needed to make me happy (more frequent communication), and I knew that he KNEW what I needed to be happy, so if he dropped off significantly again with that stuff I'd know he was doing it in full knowledge of it not being what I needed in a relationship and so I could just end it rather than ending it before having this discussion, and presuming that he was losing interest without any confirmation (and then kicking myself in case I was wrong).

 

So personally, if it's making you that unhappy and he really IS ignoring you significantly all of a sudden, I'd bring it up in that manner. Just play it cool, let him know you've noticed a change and if it's because he's had a change of heart it's fine but you'd prefer to just know outright. Give him chance to tell you what's going on. It might be that some simple reassurance 'no, I really do like you a lot and can't wait for this to be over so I can make it up to you' is all you need to see you through until next week. Then you can see if things change.

 

Thank you for your response!! So the question I have for you is...would you wait to say something once this project is done with (if things don't go back to normal)? Or do you think I should just say something sooner? I mean I don't want to jump the gun and assume he's not interested, but I do want to know where I stand with him. But it could also just be stress and he has no idea what he's doing, like I really just don't know. Which is why I'm torn lol

[acrosstheuniverse]

Thank you for your response!! So the question I have for you is...would you wait to say something once this project is done with (if things don't go back to normal)? Or do you think I should just say something sooner? I mean I don't want to jump the gun and assume he's not interested, but I do want to know where I stand with him. But it could also just be stress and he has no idea what he's doing, like I really just don't know. Which is why I'm torn lol

 

Well in my case, my boyfriend didn't appear to have anything in particular keeping him from texting me. I remember the day that made me say something he had texted me like once mid-afternoon and then nothing all night despite my texting him back... one text in a whole day was just totally unlike him, and when I called him that evening to see if his phone was working (he had been having some issues) and asked if he'd sent something that didn't come through he said he hadn't and that he'd basically just been chilling at home all night. If I knew he had something keeping him from being in touch as much I'd have understood and probably not brought it up until the event had blown over.

 

I mean, it depends on his job but in most occupations you can send a text even if it's just a two liner while you're visiting the bathroom. Only you know whether or not it's particularly unusual for him not to be in touch. I'm not even a girl that expects nonstop texting either, most days we'd exchange perhaps four each which is worlds away from the nonstop texting some relationships do!

 

I would ask for now 'is everything okay with us honey, are you just stressed out with work?' if you really need that reassurance. But given that you're aware of the project I'd probably wait it out until it was over and see if things pick up again.

 

In my situation too he hadn't been in touch all day after an afternoon text, but had time to use facebook. That made me think he just was uninterested rather than busy!

[ChooseTruth]

Yep, wait it out. You already know he's busy. No need for drama. Try to let your insecurities melt away. I think insecurities are a big cause of trouble in relationships.

[twinkie0]

I actually had this a month or so into my current relationship (of only a few months)... suddenly, the frequency of texting dropped right off, and I felt as though he had just lost interest. I stewed it for a few days and eventually just sent him this:

 

'Correct me if I'm wrong, but I sense you're losing interest in this already. That's cool if that's the case, we haven't been seeing each other for very long. But I'd rather you let me know so that we can both move on and find people that make us happy'

 

Basically he came back to me saying he absolutely hadn't lost interest, he was busy with one thing or another and that he really didn't want to lose me. Things got a lot better after that. He knew what I needed to make me happy (more frequent communication), and I knew that he KNEW what I needed to be happy, so if he dropped off significantly again with that stuff I'd know he was doing it in full knowledge of it not being what I needed in a relationship and so I could just end it rather than ending it before having this discussion, and presuming that he was losing interest without any confirmation (and then kicking myself in case I was wrong).

 

So personally, if it's making you that unhappy and he really IS ignoring you significantly all of a sudden, I'd bring it up in that manner. Just play it cool, let him know you've noticed a change and if it's because he's had a change of heart it's fine but you'd prefer to just know outright. Give him chance to tell you what's going on. It might be that some simple reassurance 'no, I really do like you a lot and can't wait for this to be over so I can make it up to you' is all you need to see you through until next week. Then you can see if things change.

 

THIS. It's all about communication, OP. Girls tend to keep this stuff in, and it's not good because us guys usually have no clue.

 

He's probably not doing it on purpose, he's just caught up in his stuff. Just tell him (to answer yur second post, it really doesn't matter when) and problem solved. Don't expect a guy, any guy in this or a future relationship, to read your mind when it comes to insecurities that might be a bit exagerated on your part. Best of luck

[acrosstheuniverse]

THIS. It's all about communication, OP. Girls tend to keep this stuff in, and it's not good because us guys usually have no clue.

 

He's probably not doing it on purpose, he's just caught up in his stuff. Just tell him (to answer yur second post, it really doesn't matter when) and problem solved. Don't expect a guy, any guy in this or a future relationship, to read your mind when it comes to insecurities that might be a bit exagerated on your part. Best of luck

 

I remember it was something I'd never come across before, unless it was before the demise of a relationship. In both of my seriousish relationships that had ended, their leaving me was directly preceded by a period where their contact rapidly dropped off unexpectedly. They weren't fading away because I still got the official dumping but they certainly weren't eager to speak anymore. So it seemed really weird that if a guy was as into me as he said, after only a month he'd be at the stage where he wasn't bothered about speaking to me properly all day long. Usually at that stage you can't get enough of each other and I'd never had a relationship where we texted so little already.

 

I chose to tell him that what was happening wasn't working for us so he had the choice to act a little differently to make it work for us or to let us go, either decision would have been acceptable to me. If I'd just sat and stewed on his, he hadn't changed because he hadn't known that I was unhappy, I'd probably have whipped it up in my head for a week or two and ended up ending it because I was sure that I knew his motivations. The communication route worked super well for me on this occasion! Never be afraid to ask for what you want and need in a relationship. It doesn't make you look needy, it makes you look assertive.

[Assasda]

OP is insecure and needy and she knows it.

 

Try and do your own thing, survive without needing any thing from him. You will not leave him anyway, because you project too much stuff on him.

 

But if you keep suffocating him with this needy "give me all your attention", he could be leaving you. Be content, and for lack of a better phrase, "shut up"

[stateofgrace]

OP is insecure and needy and she knows it.

 

Try and do your own thing, survive without needing any thing from him. You will not leave him anyway, because you project too much stuff on him.

 

But if you keep suffocating him with this needy "give me all your attention", he could be leaving you. Be content, and for lack of a better phrase, "shut up"

With all due respect, I appreciate your answer, however, the reason I'm here is so that I DON'T project any of this on him. I haven't expressed any of these feelings to him. He's been working and I haven't seen him. While I'm feeling insecure in this relationship at this stage, I'm not an insecure person, which is why I'm here to ask you kind people for advice on how to deal. I also have no problem breaking up with someone who isn't right for me. I'm just not jumping the gun and want to make this work. Thanks for the advice.

[stateofgrace]

I remember it was something I'd never come across before, unless it was before the demise of a relationship. In both of my seriousish relationships that had ended, their leaving me was directly preceded by a period where their contact rapidly dropped off unexpectedly. They weren't fading away because I still got the official dumping but they certainly weren't eager to speak anymore. So it seemed really weird that if a guy was as into me as he said, after only a month he'd be at the stage where he wasn't bothered about speaking to me properly all day long. Usually at that stage you can't get enough of each other and I'd never had a relationship where we texted so little already.

 

I chose to tell him that what was happening wasn't working for us so he had the choice to act a little differently to make it work for us or to let us go, either decision would have been acceptable to me. If I'd just sat and stewed on his, he hadn't changed because he hadn't known that I was unhappy, I'd probably have whipped it up in my head for a week or two and ended up ending it because I was sure that I knew his motivations. The communication route worked super well for me on this occasion! Never be afraid to ask for what you want and need in a relationship. It doesn't make you look needy, it makes you look assertive.

 

Thank you for all your advice!! His project is over in a few days, I'm going to wait and see what happens when it's all over. I'm probably just over-thinking everything since my mind was on high alert already - but I'm also prepared to say something as well if things continue this way. Thanks again for your stories and words of advice!

[stateofgrace]

Alright. So if anyone read my previous thread, my boyfriend finished his project and things were going fantastic after that. Things were great until Friday..we went to his friend's place, and nothing necessarily BAD happened, however, we were all talking and they mentioned a girl's name that I knew. I was like "oh you know this person?" and they were like "YOU know this person??!" and it ended up being my boyfriend's ex of 3 years (I knew he had an ex, however we didn't really go in depth so I didn't know I knew her) Anyways, their relationship apparently ended really badly. She's not my friend, I just know her through a friend. It's not really an issue to me, but he seemed a little shaken up about it. When we left his friend's house, I stopped him and just asked if he was okay, and said I don't something like this to change anything, and he said it was fine. We went back to my place and everything seemed fine. We had great sex as usual and things seemed fairly normal.

 

Yesterday, he met my best friend for the first time, things went pretty well and we had fun, but I felt like things were slightly off, but I disregarded it, as I over-think things sometimes. Anyway, we went back to my place again, and we had sex. Sorry for being graphic, but I don't know if this is contributing to anything - he didn't get off, but I did. Hasn't happened before with us, I was going to just give him head after, but he kinda just rolled over and went to sleep. I mean, we had also had a few drinks, so I don't know if that had anything to do with it, or if it was me, or how he was feeling about me, I don't know.

 

This morning, he got out of bed, he had a boner, he even said that he did, and so I smiled and said "so then why are you getting out of bed?" but he said he had some stuff to do. He said he would call me later, he said he had a fun night and he kissed me goodbye. So I'm just a little confused. I feel like things are totally off, ever since Friday. I don't know if awkward things like this just kinda happen sometimes, or if something is actually off. I don't want to approach him if it's going to come off as annoying or clingy. So I guess I'm just wondering if I should say like..."hey are we okay?" or if I should just wait until it passes and not say anything.......any thoughts? I just have a rock in my chest I can't seem to shake.

[Bruce Leigh]

I was like "oh you know this person?" and they were like "YOU know this person??!" and it ended up being my boyfriend's ex of 3 years (I knew he had an ex, however we didn't really go in depth so I didn't know I knew her) Anyways, their relationship apparently ended really badly. She's not my friend, I just know her through a friend. It's not really an issue to me, but he seemed a little shaken up about it.

 

I guess it could have brought back some bad feelings/memories for him.

Men really are as complicated as women, just we don't go around advertising that fact. Having an erection doesn't mean having to use it. Especially when its the last thing on your mind.

[stateofgrace]

I guess it could have brought back some bad feelings/memories for him.

Men really are as complicated as women, just we don't go around advertising that fact. Having an erection doesn't mean having to use it. Especially when its the last thing on your mind.

Okay so should I just leave it be and act like everything is fine? Or do I say something? It just feels weird to me. I don't know what to make of everything.

[LustAppeal]

Having an erection doesn't mean having to use it. Especially when its the last thing on your mind.

 

I agree, If I used mine every time I had a hard on... I'd be in bed all day.

 

But on a serious note, if things continue like this, maybe you should call him on it in a polite/empathetic way. I don't mean "is everything all right." I mean exactly what's on your head. Communication in these areas can really help partners open up. And when I say open up I mean emotional, problematic, and self growth wise. I DO NOT mean sexual wise. Keep past sex lives out of it.

 

On his side; It could be past feelings, it could be he's worried you may find out why they broke up, it could be that he thinks you've lost respect in him... etc You don't know until you at least try to crack the egg!

[stateofgrace]

I agree, If I used mine every time I had a hard on... I'd be in bed all day.

 

But on a serious note, if things continue like this, maybe you should call him on it in a polite/empathetic way. I don't mean "is everything all right." I mean exactly what's on your head. Communication in these areas can really help partners open up. And when I say open up I mean emotional, problematic, and self growth wise. I DO NOT mean sexual wise. Keep past sex lives out of it.

 

On his side; It could be past feelings, it could be he's worried you may find out why they broke up, it could be that he thinks you've lost respect in him... etc You don't know until you at least try to crack the egg!

That makes sense.

 

He did tell me what happened. And the situation (of why they broke up) is pretty out of my element, but I mean, who am I to judge. I just listened, I didn't say a word. I didn't lose respect for him, nor did I give any inclination that I did. There were a lot of drugs involved and her cheating on him, but it was also 6 years ago.

 

So you think I should just not say anything unless it continues the next few times we hang out? I don't want to make something out of nothing, but I don't want to feel "off" or awkward either..

[LustAppeal]

Yea I'd leave it be unless it persists. He may need time to work pat those feeling, pushing may only annoy things. It it continues though, try to figure out what it is.

[bluegreen]

Never underestimate power of gut feeling

[FitChick]

Maybe he is afraid your dating would get back to his ex or that you talk about him. I'd ignore this unless he continues acting weird then reassure him that is not the case. "The past is past."

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you noticed his physical reaction when her name was mentioned and the lack of interest afterwards. I get the feeling, from what you have said, that he's deep in thought about all this and distracted. I'm sorry. It seems to have brought up unresolved feelings from the past. This doesn't mean that he will want to go back to her or leave you but it may mean that he needs to be left to resolve whatever's bugging him.

 

In your shoes, my inclination would be not to see him for a couple of days and then only if he initiates a meeting. I would completely back off, but then I'm very afraid of being hurt by a guy again and would interpret his behaviour negatively. Maybe others will have a more optimistic view.

[stateofgrace]

So I guess I just shouldn't say anything unless this persists....how long do I wait? He sent me some cute texts last night and this morning, which was nice. I don't think I'm worried that he's lost feelings for me, nor do I think he wants to be back with his ex or anything. I think he was just hurt badly by her. I have people saying "he shouldn't be that hung up on his ex.." but I don't believe he's HUNG UP on her as she's never really been spoken of before other than when we first started dating and he mentioned that was his last serious relationship. I think she just hurt him real bad and he's a little scorn..........I just can't relate as my only serious relationship (ended 8 months ago) ended on pretty good terms. I can't imagine if I found out my ex was cheating on me for the last year of our relationship (to get coke nonetheless), I'd be pretty scorn too, so I understand completely if that's the case. I don't know. Their relationship ended 6 years ago and no one has seen or spoken to her since he broke up with her, him and his friends all hate her... Some people just got me worked up over something I wasn't even thinking about before. I was more concerned about the sex?! lol

Edited May 12, 2014 by stateofgrace

[stateofgrace]

Any further insight would be greatly appreciated.......I can't stop thinking about this?!

[Ok Good]

Any further insight would be greatly appreciated.......I can't stop thinking about this?!

 

I'm sorry that you're so stressed out about the way he's relating to you!

 

See, that should be a sign right there: your feelings

 

If you're feeling weird about something

you should TALK about it with HIM

 

IF he see's you as needy or insecure

fine, better to know now

that he won't be the type of guy that

will help you calm down sometimes...

 

I'm in a pretty great relationship right now for 6 months

I am an over thinker and can get insecure

but you know what?

He is so STEADY in his feelings towards me

and when I get anxious about something

and TELL him so

he is right there to talk about it with me

 

people like us

who need to feel safe & cared about

(and really, who doesn't?!)

should be with someone

who respects our need for security...

 

my advice, follow the wise words of other loveshackers

who suggested how to approach him with your worry

 

remember, it can't really hurt

cuz if he freaks out on you or dismisses you

you have learned a valuable lesson on how

he's gonna relate to your feelings in the future!

 

good luck to you and am sending hugs your way!