Pablo1 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 I'm just curious as to why women tend to use this message. It's basically a lie isn't it. You accept that they are not able to have a relationship or take things to the next level, but then isolate themselves, by saying I want to be friends but now ignore you when you make friendly conversation. Why do some do this? And should you ask why the perhaps lied that they still wanted to be friends? I'm the type of person who would become very good friends at first then consider a long lasting relationship if possible. But why is it that some people create this situation? How could you solve it?
Andy_K Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Some guys take rejection very badly. Angrily. Most girls learn fairly quickly that it is necessary to let guys down as gently as possible. This is just the easiest way. It is best not to dwell on it too much.
Author Pablo1 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 How do we make our fantastic friendship come back though? Sometimes it feels like you could help bring it back, especially if you're older or oerhaps more confident. Is there a way?
Assasda Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Its not a lie. Youre still being needy and insecure. If youre still trying to talk, to her friendly, it can stir up romantic feelings, and she's trying to stay away from that
somedude81 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Yes it's a lie. It's a way for her to ease her guilt. If you turn down her request for friendship, then that lets her rationalize you into being the bad guy even though she dumped you.
Author Pablo1 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 (edited) Yes it's a lie. It's a way for her to ease her guilt. If you turn down her request for friendship, then that lets her rationalize you into being the bad guy even though she dumped you. We agreed to eachother that we just, yes just, want to be friends, but I don't understand why she's started ignoring me afterwards knowing that it won't turn into anything else. She gave a false impression to begin with Edited May 11, 2014 by Pablo1
somedude81 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 We agreed to eachother that we just, yes just, want to be friends, but I don't understand why she's start ignoring you afterwards knowing that it won't turn into anything else. She gave a false impression to begin with Because she really didn't want to be friends afterwards.
Author Pablo1 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Because she really didn't want to be friends afterwards. I just wish I could find the answer to it. One minute she says she doesn't want to ruin the friendship, then she talks about meeting up, the next she wants more time. It mustn't hurt to answer why she doesn't want to be friends anymore? I'm doing my best to not sound needy but it's just that I cared about her and our great friendship
sagetalk Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 But why is it that some people create this situation? How could you solve it? She lied, you can't fix it, just let her go. If you let her go, you might be saved from seeing her next boyfriend who is covered in tattoos, has kids with three different women, and makes her pay for his car loan each month. You don't want to see that. 1
todreaminblue Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Nobody should ignore another person.......and not all women would.......i am a not like that...maybe you are just not meeting the right people..... i believe you have to be friends with someone before entering any type of close relationship you have to know the person first .....they have to able to be honest and open with you...this always starts with friendship...only once have i a refused a friend when i found out that guy was being ridiculed and by supposed friends i reached out and told him i regretted my decision which i did and i am there for him...... what another poster sadi about women needing to let guys down gently is true.......but not because of agression.....you shouldnt hurt people and guys can get hurt just as much as females can.......that would be the reason that might be a consideration..........and you feel guilt if you area good hearted person...guilt is worse than aggression...bruises heal...guilt never does until you do something about it....... lots of women have to be friends first..i am one and not the only one..you just need to find those women.....deb ........ 1
Author Pablo1 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Nobody should ignore another person.......and not all women would.......i am a not like that...maybe you are just not meeting the right people..... i believe you have to be friends with someone before entering any type of close relationship you have to know the person first .....they have to able to be honest and open with you...this always starts with friendship...only once have i a refused a friend when i found out that guy was being ridiculed and by supposed friends i reached out and told him i regretted my decision which i did and i am there for him...... what another poster sadi about women needing to let guys down gently is true.......but not because of agression.....you shouldnt hurt people and guys can get hurt just as much as females can.......that would be the reason that might be a consideration..........and you feel guilt if you area good hearted person...guilt is worse than aggression...bruises heal...guilt never does until you do something about it....... lots of women have to be friends first..i am one and not the only one..you just need to find those women.....deb ........ Thanks for your information. We were great friends to be begin with, but my regret was rushing it a bit, but it was kind of becoming one sided. I had to put the effort. in because she seemed afraid of commitment, I tried to help her feel comfortable & more confident around me, then she suddenly ends it. She was a bit needy but she is a bit younger than me so I expected that. I suppose she could've just said 'can we not talk about his yet?' instead of giving me the cold shoulder. I think I just ask her why she doesn't want to be friends or what is wrong, because my efforts should demand the truth in my opinion, that's if I hear the truth 1
Author Pablo1 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 She lied, you can't fix it, just let her go. If you let her go, you might be saved from seeing her next boyfriend who is covered in tattoos, has kids with three different women, and makes her pay for his car loan each month. You don't want to see that. She's not that type to be honest, she's just a mixed up young girl who appears to not know what she wants.
somedude81 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Seriously dude, the best thing you can do right now is leave her alone. I made the mistake of continuing to bug my ex with questions and in the end it just made her more and more annoyed with me, till she finally blocked me from everything. I basically ruined any chance of us getting back together with her by continuing to pester her. Just leave her alone.
Author Pablo1 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Seriously dude, the best thing you can do right now is leave her alone. I made the mistake of continuing to bug my ex with questions and in the end it just made her more and more annoyed with me, till she finally blocked me from everything. I basically ruined any chance of us getting back together with her by continuing to pester her. Just leave her alone. It's so difficult mate. It's pretty much over for good, that's why I feel like asking a question. She's one of those who only realises what she's got or done until you tell her.
todreaminblue Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Thanks for your information. We were great friends to be begin with, but my regret was rushing it a bit, but it was kind of becoming one sided. I had to put the effort. in because she seemed afraid of commitment, I tried to help her feel comfortable & more confident around me, then she suddenly ends it. She was a bit needy but she is a bit younger than me so I expected that. I suppose she could've just said 'can we not talk about his yet?' instead of giving me the cold shoulder. I think I just ask her why she doesn't want to be friends or what is wrong, because my efforts should demand the truth in my opinion, that's if I hear the truth sometimes its a protection thing you seem to be picking up vibes about commitment from her...... often those who have been abandoned will shy away from developing hope and putting that glimmering hope into the hands of someone they have feelings for...losing hope because of another...yeah not fun...... i think you should search your heart, go deeper than just feeling commitment issues......, remember things about her......things she has said to you.......and dont give up yet......certainly dotn go by anyones opinion on here because everyone on here goes on who and what they have experienced and sometimes we can come close to a guess that may have truth to the answer we give....but who honestly knows...... about someone we dont know at all...you know her though...so search your heart that knows her before you decide on giving up.....i never give up on people........but i do give distance when i have been hurt then i come back.......normally those people reach out to me first or i find something out that makes me know its me that has to reach out.....and i do regardless of what the welcome is i get....or the rejection.....i take it in stride until i trust them again........best wishes for you and her....sincerely i mean that.....deb
Author Pablo1 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 (edited) sometimes its a protection thing you seem to be picking up vibes about commitment from her...... often those who have been abandoned will shy away from developing hope and putting that glimmering hope into the hands of someone they have feelings for...losing hope because of another...yeah not fun...... i think you should search your heart, go deeper than just feeling commitment issues......, remember things about her......things she has said to you.......and dont give up yet......certainly dotn go by anyones opinion on here because everyone on here goes on who and what they have experienced and sometimes we can come close to a guess that may have truth to the answer we give....but who honestly knows...... about someone we dont know at all...you know her though...so search your heart that knows her before you decide on giving up.....i never give up on people........but i do give distance when i have been hurt then i come back.......normally those people reach out to me first or i find something out that makes me know its me that has to reach out.....and i do regardless of what the welcome is i get....or the rejection.....i take it in stride until i trust them again........best wishes for you and her....sincerely i mean that.....deb Again, thank you. I gave myself distance and came back asking how she was. She ignored me both times, but was blunt enough to send a text saying she couldn't take it seriously out of the blue. Now it shouldn't hurt to reply if she could send a blunt message to me. She is shy but immature, so I'm not really sure what my next step should be, maybe come back in a month after educational exams? The truth was, our friendship was brilliant, & I feel like I'm the only one who can bring it back.I was thinking of sending a letter but that's probably a bit risky isn't it? Edited May 11, 2014 by Pablo1
spiderowl Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 In my experience, if a guy has accepted that a romantic relationship isn't going to work and says he is happy to be friends, he doesn't behave accordingly. He still tries to flirt or refer back to 'happy' times we've had together (which weren't so happy for me). Basically, this feels intrusive and I know deep down we can't carry on like that. It's a short step from then to just drift off. I know it sounds cowardly but as we've already had the 'let's just be friends' discussion and he's trying to flirt again, what else can I say? I went out with a guy for a short while and felt we were not compatible, mentally or physically. He was a nice guy though and I would have been happy to remain friends. However, he keeps reminding me in texts of our romantic interlude, how good it made him feel, etc., so basically I've stopped responding. It's awkward and I don't want that. I feel sad because he is a nice guy, but what does he think he's doing?
FitChick Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 If you really want to be a good friend, find a guy for her to date. Maybe she will find a girl for you. Otherwise, do nothing until she initiates contact, which may be never.
Author Pablo1 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 In my experience, if a guy has accepted that a romantic relationship isn't going to work and says he is happy to be friends, he doesn't behave accordingly. He still tries to flirt or refer back to 'happy' times we've had together (which weren't so happy for me). Basically, this feels intrusive and I know deep down we can't carry on like that. It's a short step from then to just drift off. I know it sounds cowardly but as we've already had the 'let's just be friends' discussion and he's trying to flirt again, what else can I say? I went out with a guy for a short while and felt we were not compatible, mentally or physically. He was a nice guy though and I would have been happy to remain friends. However, he keeps reminding me in texts of our romantic interlude, how good it made him feel, etc., so basically I've stopped responding. It's awkward and I don't want that. I feel sad because he is a nice guy, but what does he think he's doing? The issue is, is that she wasn't clear with what she wanted. Furthermore, it sounded like she was torn between myself & another guy who used to be a good friend of hers, but was in a 'childish' relationship, but I could be wrong. Could you give me an example of how I should send a message to her? She seemed scared but confident at different times, so I didn't really know what to do. Plus, she seemed a bit difficult to trust. The no contact rule is very childish in my opinion. We're both going through exam periods soon, but she's not taking into account my feelings for this, so I wondering whether I should tell her how I feel or say there wasn't any need ignore me like that. I'm just confused & the situation still hurts, because we were so close
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 If you had a deep friendship before you were romantic, that is never going to come back. Sorry. It's just the way of the world. Most times I want to be friends really means I can't stand to be the source of your pain. I don't want you to hurt but I also don't want to date you. In the very begining after a break up it's hard to be just friends because one person wants more & they misinterpret kindness for a desire to reconcile.
Author Pablo1 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 If you had a deep friendship before you were romantic, that is never going to come back. Sorry. It's just the way of the world. Most times I want to be friends really means I can't stand to be the source of your pain. I don't want you to hurt but I also don't want to date you. In the very begining after a break up it's hard to be just friends because one person wants more & they misinterpret kindness for a desire to reconcile. The problem was that she wasn't clear with what she wanted. I felt a bit needy but I just trying to push things forward, I couldn't wait for so long because I had other commitments, I kind of panicked but I really feel like a 'diamond' has been lost. I want to express how I just want to be friends, I misunderstood you or perhaps wish to be friends again. I was thinking of sending a letter but I'm not sure. Is there anyway I could become only friends again?
Author Pablo1 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 If you really want to be a good friend, find a guy for her to date. Maybe she will find a girl for you. Otherwise, do nothing until she initiates contact, which may be never. We don't get to see each other now which is a shame, she lives quite a distance away. I just want the friendship back!
Marks Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Is there anyway I could become only friends again? Nope. Not gonna happen. The more you push the matter, the less likely it'll happen. Spoken from personal experience. Besides, you have to ask yourself the question, are you really capable of not seeing her in a romantic light from this point forward? I would venture to say that the answer is 'no'...even if you tell yourself otherwise. You're going to be sitting around hoping and hoping that she sees the error of her ways and she's going to come back to you. That's not a good place to be in, especially since in that time you could be emotionally available to see other girls who actually do want to be with you romantically. I mean heck, you're already trying to convince her to be friends with you even though she doesn't want to be. Who's to say that if you were still friends, that you wouldn't try to get her to be romantic with you? It's a waste of time, energy, emotional stress...not worth it. Better to start the coping process now than delaying it further. 1
Author Pablo1 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 Nope. Not gonna happen. The more you push the matter, the less likely it'll happen. Spoken from personal experience. Besides, you have to ask yourself the question, are you really capable of not seeing her in a romantic light from this point forward? I would venture to say that the answer is 'no'...even if you tell yourself otherwise. You're going to be sitting around hoping and hoping that she sees the error of her ways and she's going to come back to you. That's not a good place to be in, especially since in that time you could be emotionally available to see other girls who actually do want to be with you romantically. I mean heck, you're already trying to convince her to be friends with you even though she doesn't want to be. Who's to say that if you were still friends, that you wouldn't try to get her to be romantic with you? It's a waste of time, energy, emotional stress...not worth it. Better to start the coping process now than delaying it further. Your answer appears to be very accurate. I do have a lot of male friends, and female friends, but this is just something I had a lot of hope for because it was going amazingly well. I felt like I pressured her too much and it put her off, but I waited for 2-3 months and I just panicked. I couldn't tell whether she was nervous or she was hiding something. I'm just against the idea of 'let's be friends' but in reality 'I don't want to speak to you anymore.' I feel like I should ask her about this, explaining that it hurts me that our friendship has vanished, and I would like to speak now and again. She has done this in the past, where she can't explain herself for her actions or for little things that were meaningless. I find it wuite offensive being lied to & not taking into account somebody else's commitment
Marks Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I'm just against the idea of 'let's be friends' but in reality 'I don't want to speak to you anymore.' I feel like I should ask her about this, explaining that it hurts me that our friendship has vanished, and I would like to speak now and again. She has done this in the past, where she can't explain herself for her actions or for little things that were meaningless. I find it wuite offensive being lied to & not taking into account somebody else's commitment Yeah it sucks that people make statements like that and yet do something completely different, but that's how the world is. There are lots of people who are dishonest and inconsiderate, and who will only do what's convenient for them. You have to accept that and learn to cope with it, as well as learn how to brush people like that off, because if that's how they treat you, then they really aren't worth your time. She can't explain herself because she simply doesn't have an answer for you--any answer she gives you will be wishy-washy at best. Again, I know this from personal experience. She simply doesn't want to talk to you anymore, and she gave you the friends line most likely hoping that you would get the hint and stop bothering her. Stop questioning and rationalizing the situation...you're not going to get the answer that you want to hear.
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