Is it ok to ask your bf where he was?

[Gaeta]

So when those men did similar things, what did you say or do?

 

If I had a mutually acknowledged exclusive relationship with a man, I wouldn't have any problems asking him what he was up to nor would I be offended if he asked me. If I were up to no good, yes, it would annoy me.

 

Actually current guy has done nothing wrong. I just expect him to because I am so used to men being unreliable and disappointing.

 

When they do something wrong or bad I end the relationship, that is why i don't have enough fingers and toes to count the relationships I have been in in the past couple of years.

 

I text him and he was still in a meeting. He even replies to my text while in meeting.

[somedude81]

Is it ok to ask your bf where he was?

 

Yesterday I text my bf at 17:30.

 

He replied at 21:30 saying sorry I was very busy just saw your text now, how was your day?

 

We exchanged a few words and said good night.

 

IMO, it's not OK to ask him where he was and why it took him so long to respond to your text. That sounds like something a 17 year old girl would do.

 

He replied to you, and told you that he was very busy. That should be enough.

 

If you try to press him and see what he was doing, he might start to get the impression that you don't trust him. That's never a good path to go down.

[HappyLove]

Hmmm, seems there's been a pattern of him not being available Saturday nights. Like they say that's prime date night. Maybe that's what's really bothering you?

[Treasa]

Well, since everything sounds so good and you have no reason not to trust him, what does it matter?

 

If you have trust issues from past relationships, perhaps you shouldn't be in a relationship until you can let go of past baggage. Just a thought.

[bluegreen]

Only two things can be possible thanks to her baggage she smothers him so he took off for few hours or she could be right and he was up to no good.

She can't do anything to change facts only wait until situation develops more and instead of what if's she actually has proof of her suspicions.

 

 

Neither thing is good she will have no use for cheater he for someone who smothers him and trembles at thought of what he might do cause OTHERS did it before him ...

[Joaquin]

Don't ask about a delayed text response. You'll sound lame.

 

MIA on Saturday nights is a bit strange. For most people I know Saturday is fairly special in that they tend to be selective about who they spend it with. Not being available to you on Saturday nights is very dubious, if you are his girlfriend.

 

A few months in you should be asking yourself if you're on the same page as this guy and whether he is meeting your relationship needs.

[Gaeta]

Being connected to someone you are dating 24 / 7 and having them respond in 5 minutes or less = Does not mean they love / care about you more than someone who does not.

 

There are many of us who do not want to be on a leash or be "court jesters" and dance when the Princess summons / orders us too.

 

Maybe he was spending time with friends, wanted some alone time and a break from being connected 24 / 7, went to see a couple of movies, watching a basketball game, watching porn, working on his car, etc.

 

You missed the whole meaning of this thread.

 

*We are not connected 24-7

 

* I am not keeping him on a leash.

 

* I am not having him reply fast, it's the way our routine settled naturally over the past 2 months.

 

* It's not even about him delaying 4 hours.

 

It's about him acting out of character. When he delays 10 minutes he replies 'sorry I was driving', when he delays 1 hour he replies' sorry I was on the phone with my sister....but he delays 4 hours and no mention at all of why. That's the heart of my question.

[Treasa]

How is he acting out of character? Let's see...in the past couple of months he's:

 

1. Posted a new picture on POF and didn't take it down until you gave him an ultimatum.

2. Did the whole gaslighting thing to you about #1.

3. Threatened to leave the country.

4. Tried to convince you to marry him, or said he might marry someone else, in order to stay in your country.

5. Seems to be really busy on Saturday nights. And not with you.

6. Makes you unhappy enough in the first couple of months that you are frequently questioning things with him.

 

I'd say that what he's doing now is totally in character. Maybe he's never gone so long without texting you before, but that doesn't mean it won't happen again.

[veggirl]

"so what did you end up doing last night?"

"so what were you up to last night?"

"did you do anything fun last night?"

 

easy, and nothing wrong with asking.

 

personally I would have just said "oh, what were you up to?" when he said he'd been busy. Its not weird at all, it's pretty normal convo imo.

[Treasa]

"so what did you end up doing last night?"

"so what were you up to last night?"

"did you do anything fun last night?"

 

easy, and nothing wrong with asking.

 

personally I would have just said "oh, what were you up to?" when he said he'd been busy. Its not weird at all, it's pretty normal convo imo.

 

Seriously. If it's nothing bad, why would it be a problem? "Oh, I was working on XYZ," or "I accidentally turned my phone off," or "I had a migraine, so I took a nap."

 

If you can't ask him a fairly innocuous question like this, how will you be able to handle much harder things that will inevitably come up in the course of the relationship?

[Gaeta]

How is he acting out of character? Let's see...in the past couple of months he's:

 

1. Posted a new picture on POF and didn't take it down until you gave him an ultimatum.

2. Did the whole gaslighting thing to you about #1.

3. Threatened to leave the country.

4. Tried to convince you to marry him, or said he might marry someone else, in order to stay in your country.

5. Seems to be really busy on Saturday nights. And not with you.

6. Makes you unhappy enough in the first couple of months that you are frequently questioning things with him.

 

I'd say that what he's doing now is totally in character. Maybe he's never gone so long without texting you before, but that doesn't mean it won't happen again.

 

1. Posted a new picture on POF and didn't take it down until you gave him an ultimatum. He took it down the same day I asked. There is no 'until'.

2. Did the whole gaslighting thing to you about #1. What gaslighting? he never said why he changed that picture.

 

3. Threatened to leave the country. Threaten who? He advice me when we met he was considering leaving. Since when informing someone we're considering moving away is threatening?

 

4. Tried to convince you to marry him, or said he might marry someone else, in order to stay in your country. He NEVER EVER said a word about ME MARRYING HIM.

 

 

5. Seems to be really busy on Saturday nights. And not with you. Agree

 

6. Makes you unhappy enough in the first couple of months that you are frequently questioning things with him. Questioning things is not equivalent as being unhappy.

 

I welcome your posts in my threads but please try to keep to the facts and not amplify or modify them. You got number 1-2-3-4 completely wrong. I have explained all these points in details already.

[Treasa]

1. Kept an active and updated profile on POF until you told him to take it down. I'm pretty sure that entire sentence is a fact, no matter how it's spun. He didn't take it down before you told him to, right?

 

2. I understand English isn't your native language, so I'll explain this one. When you asked about the POF profile and he turned it around on you making it seem like he was hurt about you looking for other guys to date? THAT is gaslighting. And it's not cool.

 

3. On the 24th of March you started a post saying that he said that he was going back to the states. Later that same day you posted that you asked if he was really moving back in three to six months and he said yes, indicating that it wasn't a "just in the moment" frustration.

 

4. Oops, my bad. Was thinking about marrying someone else, then.

 

I'm not sure why you seem mad at the people who are trying to help you. We're not the ones doing these things to you. We're trying to give you honest and helpful advice, which you asked for.

[mammasita]

Yesterday I text my bf at 17:30.

 

He replied at 21:30 saying sorry I was very busy just saw your text now, how was your day?

 

We exchanged a few words and said good night.

 

I am wondering where he could have been on a Saturday night from 17:30 to 21:30 unable to check his phone. Especially he is the type to check phone every minute of the day. I also find it unusual that he did not specify what he was doing, usually he will even explain a 5 minute delay.

 

Is it even worth asking what he was doing? considering that if he was up to no good he's not gonna say it.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to ask what he was up to in a non accusatory fashion. Especially if it's the norm for him to respond within ~30 minutes and for him to throw in what he was doing, my suspicion meter would be pinging a bit too.

 

At this point, it's probably too late to bring it up but worth a shot asking becuase I know if it were me, I'd be extremely irritated lol. Probably would have been best during your quick exchange when he did respond to ask what he had been up to.

[Gaeta]

1. Kept an active and updated profile on POF until you told him to take it down. I'm pretty sure that entire sentence is a fact, no matter how it's spun. He didn't take it down before you told him to, right?

He had a profile on POF with no text, no title and with 1 picture. When I checked that profile he had not logged in pof for over 1 month, the time we had been dating. At some point, after Easter I checked it and saw his picture was changed. I sent him a message that this profile had to go if he wanted to see me again. He said ok, and he did it on that same day. I did not have to insist or wait on him.

 

2. I understand English isn't your native language, so I'll explain this one. When you asked about the POF profile and he turned it around on you making it seem like he was hurt about you looking for other guys to date? THAT is gaslighting. And it's not cool. You are right it's not cool and it's also the move of someone being caught and has no explanation ready to provide. To me gas-lighting meant the guy goes on and on about he's doing nothing wrong, and he's throwing a lot of sand in your eyes to blind you. That did not happen.

 

3. On the 24th of March you started a post saying that he said that he was going back to the states. Later that same day you posted that you asked if he was really moving back in three to six months and he said yes, indicating that it wasn't a "just in the moment" frustration.

Yes, him and I renewed seeing each other on March 7th, so in less than 2 weeks, when he saw that we would keep on seeing each other he informed me there was a possibility he'd leave the country. Not sure how that is a threat toward me.

 

I'm not sure why you seem mad at the people who are trying to help you. We're not the ones doing these things to you. We're trying to give you honest and helpful advice, which you asked for.

 

What I don't like is when people blow out of proportion some of the details or get their facts wrong, then other posters are reading it and are taking it for the truth instead of reading back in the thread and verifying what I actually said.

[starrynightz45]

I think it's totally valid for you to know what your boyfriends is doing on a Saturday night when he's not with you. I completely disagree with the notion that this translates into you "wanting to know what's he up to 24/7." It's not like you're asking him to tell you every time he takes a trip to the bathroom. But a Saturday night delay in texting, when you KNOW IT'S OUT OF CHARACTER for him, is at the very least, odd.

 

Different couples have different patterns of communication. What's unreasonable for some is very reasonable for others. If I'm not with my boyfriend on a Fri/Sat especially, he asks what I'm doing and I ask him the same thing. That doesn't seem crazy to me at all.

 

I think you should ask solely because it's out of character and therefore concerning.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This guy is bad news. How much more proof do you need?

[Gail65]

You did not like my opionion is what happened.

 

He is paying for crimes he didn't commit. His punishiment, a leash that you expect him to wear.

 

When you tug on his leash and he doesn't immedatily repond the following happens:

 

1. He apologizes.

 

2. He explains and justifies to you why he didn't respond within X minutes.

 

3. You have the Court Jester (him) conditioned to dance when the Princess (you) summon him. He knows that this is an expectation of yours and you even told us it was.

 

When he didn't respond in X time, didn't apologize, didn't explain and justify it the following happened:

 

1. You do not like it.

 

2. Think it's out of character.

 

3. Wrote a post about it.

 

4. Defensive with any posters who doesn't agree / support your expectation to know what your BF does 24 / 7 or respond in X time.

 

5. You have implied throughout this thread that either he is up to no good or losing interest.

 

6. We now have 3 pages with you even arguing with posters about your BF being out of pocket for a few hours. If you do not see the issue with that, I don't know what to tell you. We are strangers, imagine how you communicate this to your bf (verbally and non-verbally).

 

Perhaps he got sick of wearing a leash and tired of being connected 24 / 7 and feeling like he has to apologize and justify why he doesn't respond to text messages within 10 minutes and last night is a sign of future things to come. Sadly, if he doesn't leave the leash on, you will dump him because of your abandonment and trust issues.

 

Thank you for taking time to write all that. You are making excellent points and I will reflect on everyone of them. You're right I make a lot of excuses.

[nerdlingZA]

If u asked me rarely , its cool, if u asked me everyday , I would dump the **** out of u.

[cif]

Ask. But will you trust his response?

[d0nnivain]

If you feel like you can't ask your BF where he was, that is a much bigger issue then not replying to a text for 4 hours.

 

Since you left that morning telling him he wasn't acting like a BF during those hours on a Saturday night my best guess is he was drinking with his buddies.