Gaeta Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Yesterday I text my bf at 17:30. He replied at 21:30 saying sorry I was very busy just saw your text now, how was your day? We exchanged a few words and said good night. I am wondering where he could have been on a Saturday night from 17:30 to 21:30 unable to check his phone. Especially he is the type to check phone every minute of the day. I also find it unusual that he did not specify what he was doing, usually he will even explain a 5 minute delay. Is it even worth asking what he was doing? considering that if he was up to no good he's not gonna say it.
jessywalshe Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 If it was me I wouldn't ask but it would eat at me. However I feel the time to ask is now passed. You should have asked at the time. Doing so now looks like you dwelled on it a lot and will scare him. But if it happens again, ask asap. Jessy 1
Els Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 It's definitely much more reasonable to ask than to expect him to explain off the bat for a few-hour delay! In fact, it's much more worrisome to me that you are jumping to pretty bad assumptions (up to no good?) just because he took 4 hours to respond to a text. Either he has given you a very good reason to not trust him (in which case you shouldn't be with him), or you need to relax a little bit. How many times do the two of you even text everyday, if 4 hours is such a concern? Don't you ever hang out with friends and do stuff for a few hours without being tied to your phone? Is this the same guy who asked you to marry him to get him residence, and said he'd marry someone else if you declined? 3
Frank2thepoint Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Especially he is the type to check phone every minute of the day. I also find it unusual that he did not specify what he was doing, usually he will even explain a 5 minute delay. Since you know this about him, and what he did was unusual behavior from your experience with him, you should ask him the next time you see him. Just give it to him straight, don't dance around it. Be honest that it was bothering you, but iterate you just want open communication. Don't accuse him and don't attack him. Just say you care.
Author Gaeta Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 It's definitely much more reasonable to ask than to expect him to explain off the bat for a few-hour delay! In fact, it's much more worrisome to me that you are jumping to pretty bad assumptions (up to no good?) just because he took 4 hours to respond to a text. Either he has given you a very good reason to not trust him (in which case you shouldn't be with him), or you need to relax a little bit. How many times do the two of you even text everyday, if 4 hours is such a concern? Don't you ever hang out with friends and do stuff for a few hours without being tied to your phone? Is this the same guy who asked you to marry him to get him residence, and said he'd marry someone else if you declined? People have different texting habit. Some take hours to reply and all I understand that. As for my bf a delay of 4 hours is completely out of character for him, it has never happened in 2 months. We touch base several times a day by text, he replies instantly, he has never delayed more than 30-45 minutes, and when he does delay he always apologizes and explain why he delayed. Earlier that day I asked him what he did during the day, he only replied he had a very busy day. I asked if he would watch the game, he said no. Again no explanation of why he would be so busy, and usually he let me know about his days. As for taking a break from his phone, no. Impossible. He has an online company coming off the ground and he checks his phone every minutes of the day, he check it even when we're in bed so him not checking his phone for 4 hours I don't believe that.
Els Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Could it be at all possible that he SAW your text and just didn't want to reply until a few hours later, and didn't know how to tell you that? I don't know; I mean, if this is that uncharacteristic then I suppose you should talk to him about it. On the other hand, texting every 30 minutes every single day sounds like a slightly unfeasible routine to maintain for the long term. After a few months it makes sense for the frequency to decline a little bit.
Author Gaeta Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 texting every 30 minutes every single day sounds like a slightly unfeasible routine to maintain for the long term. After a few months it makes sense for the frequency to decline a little bit. I think you misunderstood me. We touch base through the day maybe 2-3 times not every 30 minutes. He never delay more then 30-45 minutes to reply to those couple of text.
jessywalshe Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 As it is causing you so much concern I think you need to ask him. But will you accept whatever his answer is? Text something like "I know it's a bit daft but yesterday when you went MIA for those few hours I can't help but wonder what you were up too? I was worried, must like you a lot huh?"
Author Gaeta Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 As it is causing you so much concern I think you need to ask him. But will you accept whatever his answer is? Text something like "I know it's a bit daft but yesterday when you went MIA for those few hours I can't help but wonder what you were up too? I was worried, must like you a lot huh?" Yes I should ask. The only reason I hesitate is when he left my home Saturday morning at 7:30 a.m. I was not happy and told him he was not acting like a boyfriend. He was a bit offended by it. That means I would complain again about something. Maybe I should, apparently men prefer the crazies.
Els Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 I think you misunderstood me. We touch base through the day maybe 2-3 times not every 30 minutes. He never delay more then 30-45 minutes to reply to those couple of text. So, on your side you usually wait 3-4 hours to text him back?
Author Gaeta Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 So, on your side you usually wait 3-4 hours to text him back? No never lol I reply immediately, never delay more then 30 minute as well. Not sure why you think that. We touch base 2-3 times a day by text. Morning to wish each other a good day, then later during the day and we ask how was our day. We say hi, and good bye, no one is left hanging. So last night at 17:30 I text him how was his day like we usually do.
jessywalshe Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Text him. You need to be able to ask him stuff even if it sounds a bit crazy. When he replies just say back that you know it was a strange question but you love that you can just ask him straight out whats on your mind instead of worrying about it and being afraid to ask him.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Yes I should ask. The only reason I hesitate is when he left my home Saturday morning at 7:30 a.m. I was not happy and told him he was not acting like a boyfriend. He was a bit offended by it. That means I would complain again about something. Maybe I should, apparently men prefer the crazies. Perhaps this has something to do with the delay in responding. Maybe he was still upset and cooling his jets and didn't feel like responding in a timely fashion.
Author Gaeta Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Perhaps this has something to do with the delay in responding. Maybe he was still upset and cooling his jets and didn't feel like responding in a timely fashion. Before texting him at 17:30 how was his day, I had text him at 12:00 because I was trying to put my screen door back up and could not. So I asked him if I should put the top part first or bottom. He replied right away (as his usual) that I needed to put the top part first but to leave it he would fix it for me next time he comes over SO, that tells me there is no passive aggressiveness underlying from our morning talk.
JZH Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 When you see him couldn't you just talk about what you did that day then innocently say 'so, how was your day? Did you get up to much?'
ExpatInItaly Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Before texting him at 17:30 how was his day, I had text him at 12:00 because I was trying to put my screen door back up and could not. So I asked him if I should put the top part first or bottom. He replied right away (as his usual) that I needed to put the top part first but to leave it he would fix it for me next time he comes over SO, that tells me there is no passive aggressiveness underlying from our morning talk. Then just come out and ask him. If he normally responds quickly and then he went off the radar for several hours, let him know you're concerned. Otherwise this will continue to eat at you. Where do you think he was?
StanMusial Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 You should ask him. He seems like the type you need to keep tabs on. 1
BikerAccnt Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 You could ask. I normally reply to texts fairly quickly, however my phone isn't always with me. Actually, most often it's not, though I check it pretty regularly. It's not unusual for me or my girlfriend to text back quite a few hours after receiving a text, though that's not our norm. It's probably nothing, don't let it eat you up. For example I was incommunicado for about 3 hours yesterday evening. It took the motorcycle out for a ride, and didn't really stop for about 3 hours. Yo think texting and driving is bad, try texting and riding! 1
SpiralOut Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 (edited) I don't think knowing what he was doing is the real issue. You're worried that he was mad at you or doesn't like you as much anymore because of your disagreement. If you're going to bring it up at all, I would try going from that angle. Edited May 11, 2014 by SpiralOut
ja123 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 I wouldn't bother with this guy, given all you have previously written. 6
Treasa Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Why are you still with this guy? A little more than two months in, and already there have been several issues. Not to mention the latest thing is you telling him you aren't happy and that he isn't acting like a boyfriend. Do you really expect things to get better going forward, when right now you're supposedly in the "honeymoon" stage? Between the leaving the country thing, being evasive, not spending (what seems like) most Saturday nights with you, and the whole sham marriage thing, I really don't get why you are with him. And while the age difference in itself isn't a big deal, it sounds like you two are worlds apart when it comes to maturity. If you're not afraid to walk away from a bad relationship, why are you afraid to ask him where he was/what he was doing? Worst he can do is break up with you, and if he's going to dump you over asking an innocent question, then F him anyway. 5
Author Gaeta Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Why are you still with this guy? A little more than two months in, and already there have been several issues. Not to mention the latest thing is you telling him you aren't happy and that he isn't acting like a boyfriend. I never said I was not happy with him. I was not happy of him leaving at 7:30 in the morning, not that I am not happy with him in general. Same with him not acting like a boyfriend, it was specified to him leaving at 7:30, not to our relationship. Do you really expect things to get better going forward, when right now you're supposedly in the "honeymoon" stage? He is nice, attentive, he initiates contacts each day, he drives long distance to see me, he fixes things in my home, he stays over, he pays my parking tickets, he compliments me....this is not a bad man or a bad relationship. Between the leaving the country thing, being evasive, not spending (what seems like) most Saturday nights with you, and the whole sham marriage thing, I really don't get why you are with him. And while the age difference in itself isn't a big deal, it sounds like you two are worlds apart when it comes to maturity. I updated the marriage thread yesterday. He decided to not move back to Connecticut and to not go ahead with the marriage. When immigration gets to him in a few years when he's due for a renewal he will deal with it then. If you're not afraid to walk away from a bad relationship, why are you afraid to ask him where he was/what he was doing? Worst he can do is break up with you, and if he's going to dump you over asking an innocent question, then F him anyway. I am not walking away from this relationship because it's not a bad relationship. See above why. I am not afraid of asking him, I am wondering if it's something people do, do you ask where your boyfriend was? If I am not afraid of telling him he's not acting like a boyfriend why would I be afraid of asking him where he was? I don't know why my message doesn't come across clearly, maybe because English is not my first language, it feels like people read all kinds of thing in between the lines that are not there.
bluegreen Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 If you need to ask is this OK why is he your boyfriend then ? 1
Author Gaeta Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 If you need to ask is this OK why is he your boyfriend then ? Before I met him I had a long history of dating men that were half-hearted in our relationship, faded away, disappeared all of a sudden, cheated, lied. I find it hard this time around to offer my trust on a platter.
FitChick Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Before I met him I had a long history of dating men that were half-hearted in our relationship, faded away, disappeared all of a sudden, cheated, lied. I find it hard this time around to offer my trust on a platter. So when those men did similar things, what did you say or do? If I had a mutually acknowledged exclusive relationship with a man, I wouldn't have any problems asking him what he was up to nor would I be offended if he asked me. If I were up to no good, yes, it would annoy me. 1
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