How did you regain your self-esteem?

[Luua]

It's been 2 months since I got dumped (NC from day one) and I'm still having a quite tough time (it was a 3 year relationship, 1.5 LDR, he broke up through skype, no third people involved apparently... ugh). It's not as terrible as it was before (I couldn't even get out of bed, anxiety, crying the whole time, etc) but I feel kind of sad most of the day, especially in the mornings, and keep having nightmares or vivid dreams. I can't concentrate neither and I feel I have isolated myself from the world or taken some distance from the people I love.

 

I know that's not a healthy pattern of behavior and I want to change it. I think about my ex boyfriend every day every time, but I want to move on. But I don't really know how to love myself again. I really can't stand being alone. Being with me. I'm at war with myself. I've realized that I've been jumping from relationship to relationship since I was 18 years old (now 26), and it's the 1st time I see myself alone, without anyone by my side, and I feel completely lost, needy and lonely, almost desperate. Sometimes my mind surprises me 'cause I even think about taking other exes back or just getting hooked on anyone to avoid this pain and loneliness. To avoid facing who I am.

 

I wonder how did you guys started loving yourselves again and stop being harsh with yourselves? I feel I've lost my identity, I don't even know who am I anymore, I'm just fragments of everyone I've been with. This last breakup was especially devastating and left me dry. It's the first time I've been dumped too.

 

I'm so scared. I want to make peace with myself and I don't know how. I've started meditating and therapy to come to terms with myself, but I'd like to know what did you do in order to feel stronger... I have friends but they don't go out anymore, so I see them but we don't go out. I'd like to do new things and I feel I don't have anyone to do them with. Of course, I'm too clingy to think I can do them on my own. Ugh. The way I see myself now would scare people, I must look like a sad puppy.

Edited May 11, 2014 by Luua

[FredJones80]

Luua,

 

As you have admitted yourself you haven't really been out of a relationship for 8 years and you've been hopping from one to the next.

 

This isn't healthy. You will have changed dramatically as person between 18 and 26. You will of course be bits of everyone you've been with, they have shaped your person but underneath there will still be something that is uniquely you that you carried to each relationship.

 

I feel terrible so I can understand where you are coming from, the difference is that with your hopping you probably haven't had to endure this pain at any point because you've masked it with the next relationship or rebound. You've never truly spent time reflecting on negatives about your exes and/or yourself. You've probably been continuing on through each relationship bringing your previous baggage with you.

 

I'm not suggesting you have been the cause of all the failures but you might of contributed, if you're seeking comfort each time how can you fully commit and fully open your heart up to each of those people, they've all just become an extension to each other.

 

Google "relationship hopper" you may notice some common themes with yourself. You may even been addicted to the feeling of being "in love" rather than loving the actual person you're with.

 

I think you have to give yourself some space and time to be single and discover who you are again.

[SadNLonley]

Luua,

 

This isn't healthy. You will have changed dramatically as person between 18 and 26. You will of course be bits of everyone you've been with, they have shaped your person but underneath there will still be something that is uniquely you that you carried to each relationship.

 

I feel terrible so I can understand where you are coming from, the difference is that with your hopping you probably haven't had to endure this pain at any point because you've masked it with the next relationship or rebound. You've never truly spent time reflecting on negatives about your exes and/or yourself. You've probably been continuing on through each relationship bringing your previous baggage with you.

 

I'm not suggesting you have been the cause of all the failures but you might of contributed, if you're seeking comfort each time how can you fully commit and fully open your heart up to each of those people, they've all just become an extension to each other.

 

Google "relationship hopper" you may notice some common themes with yourself. You may even been addicted to the feeling of being "in love" rather than loving the actual person you're with.

 

I think you have to give yourself some space and time to be single and discover who you are again.

 

Wow, this is me. Granted, Ive only been in 2 relationships in 22 years, but i went from my husband straight to my bf. I didnt really feel the effect of the divorce because of the bf. It was after my bu 10 months ago all this sunk in that Im alone. I tried to get my ex back twice now. I still feel the uncomfort of being alone, but I am like the op and seeking therapy and meditation to build me back up. I am finding being alone is not so bad, but its not like i can just go out and say i want a man and he appears. I have to learn to live on my own, learn things i like, find MY own happiness again instead of finding only happiness with a partner.

 

Building back self esteem is work from the inside out. There are plenty of books out there to help in teaching how to do that. Good luck, its in you, just go find it. By yourself for now.

[learning_slowly]

Find out what your interests are and get better at them. This will show you that you can achieve things outside of a relationship. One of mine is bodybuilding, and one could think that this is because you get appreciative looks from the other gender (admittedly a nice side effect), but the reason is I know how much effort is involved, I see very quickly the results from effort, and I can fit it around all my other interests.

 

Admittedly, its not the most ideal if you are trying to enlarge your social circle. Team sports are better there. I have other activities to achieve this.

 

But don't worry too much about continuously being in relationships. I know friends who are really happy having done that. You can still learn about yourself from within a relationship. And its not necessarily a good thing to build up a wall of armour against relationships that some people appear to.

 

Good luck, you can do it. And look at your positives aswell. I'm sure you have a lot of good qualities too.

[sedgwick]

Honestly? I haven't. My breakup was seven years ago, and I still beat myself up over it every single day. He broke up with me because I wasn't good enough for him. I quit dating at that point and don't expect that I ever will again.

 

I have good stuff going on in my life, but no mojo whatsoever. He took that with him. At this point I've just accepted that I'm going to be single. It's not what I want, but it's what I got. If there were anything about me worth loving, he'd love me, you know?

 

The one thing I feel good about is that at least I will never waste anyone else's time like I wasted his. And I do know now, in a way I never did before, that I can be alone.

Edited May 11, 2014 by sedgwick

[learning_slowly]

Honestly? I haven't. My breakup was seven years ago, and I still beat myself up over it every single day. He broke up with me because I wasn't good enough for him. I quit dating at that point and don't expect that I ever will again.

 

I have good stuff going on in my life, but no mojo whatsoever. He took that with him. At this point I've just accepted that I'm going to be single. It's not what I want, but it's what I got. If there were anything about me worth loving, he'd love me, you know?

 

The one thing I feel good about is that at least I will never waste anyone else's time like I wasted his. And I do know now, in a way I never did before, that I can be alone.

 

I read this and I got really worried about you. Your self worth seems so low. You shouldn't need somebody else's approval to know that you are a good person.

 

You said you weren't good enough for him. I don't know your story, but even if it was your fault, you can change for the better. As you are so self-depreciating, I'm sure you can make a list of your faults. Use this to tackle them 1 at a time. Whether it is exercise, education or courses to overcome limitations.

 

In time, you will see that you are worthy of somebody. In the meantime, you may need a short term anti depressant, but hopefully you can do without. Maybe spend some time volunteering? At least then you know your time is being used to help others.

[FredJones80]

I agree with learning_slowly (and it must be true if that has happend )

 

You should seek professional help, nothing should make you have such low self esteem and you can probably receive help to improve that.

[sedgwick]

You guys say this as if therapy isn't the story of my life. Really, do you honestly think that in seven years, I never considered that? Or volunteering? Or exercising? Or all the things people tell you to do within about five minutes of your breakup?

 

I appreciate your concern, but it's not like I've somehow felt like this for seven years and never even considered the fact that therapy and antidepressants exist.

 

Anyway, sorry to threadjack. It's just that the super-obvious suggestions get annoying after a while. (Also, it's "self-deprecating," not "self-depreciating.")

[mangetout]

Gaining self esteem is a tough one. I had very low self worth after my break up.

 

 

Dating helped me! And lots of reading...any self help books related to loving one self. Then making the effort to put it into practise. Slowly but surely I am getting there

[STM206]

Along with a break up is the shattering of ones self esteem, especially if you were the one who got left.

 

Naturally we start to question out self worth, if we're good enough, and if we will ever be lovable again.

 

When we get involved with someone that we see ourselves spending the rest of our lives with - it feeds our confidence - even the most independent people simply become happier when presented with the opportunity to love and receive love in return.

 

As my therapist says, the majority of people who come to therapy want things to be better now, not tomorrow, not a year from now... But NOW. It doesn't work like that, she stated that often times in life we have to "fake it until we make it".

 

How to do that? Put yourself out there, don't spend your days laying under the covers wallowing in self pity. When those negative thoughts arise in regard to your self esteem... Let them pass - don't suppress them but simply don't judge them. Then redirect your attention to what's in front of you right now.

 

Negative feeds off of negative.

[FredJones80]

want things to be better now, not tomorrow, not a year from now... But NOW. It doesn't work like that, she stated that often times in life we have to "fake it until we make it".

 

This sounds like the reason for the break down of most marriages / relationships :bunny:

[STM206]

This sounds like the reason for the break down of most marriages / relationships :bunny:

 

Lol! Right? Oh the world we live in!

[FredJones80]

Lol! Right? Oh the world we live in!

 

Do some work.

[STM206]

Do some work.

 

Que? Does shopping qualify?

[learning_slowly]

You guys say this as if therapy isn't the story of my life. Really, do you honestly think that in seven years, I never considered that? Or volunteering? Or exercising? Or all the things people tell you to do within about five minutes of your breakup?

 

Have you ever considered volunteering for the Samaritans?

 

You don't mention what have you done? Have you considered that you're bipolar?

 

I appreciate your concern, but it's not like I've somehow felt like this for seven years and never even considered the fact that therapy and antidepressants exist.

 

"I appreciate your concern, but"!

 

Don't worry, my concern has vanished. I felt our comments were trying to be helpful. However, they seemed to have blemished your existence.

 

Anyway, sorry to threadjack. It's just that the super-obvious suggestions get annoying after a while.

 

I can imagine after the first few years it gets repetitive! I think you may need to accept its over and these people that think they are helping will leave you in peace.

 

(Also, it's "self-deprecating," not "self-depreciating.")

 

"(Also, it's "self-deprecating," not "self-depreciating.")": depends where you are and what you are trying to say. In this instance, in England, Depreciate can mean to undervalue or speak disparagingly of.

 

By the way, I have a few essays to check for grammar, do you have any time?

 

You may feel this reply was a bit harsh, but I honestly think you need it. I generally try to add value to the world, and hopefully this may help you to adjust your level of self importance, so that you can have a better life.

 

Good luck.

 

Wow, did I really waste my life bothering with this!

[sedgwick]

You don't mention what have you done? Have you considered that you're bipolar?

 

If I've been in therapy, know about medication, and have Google, you can probably extrapolate that I've heard the word "bipolar" before. However, I thank you for your internet armchair diagnosis and subsequent hostility!

Edited May 16, 2014 by sedgwick

[Mary Oak]

Sedgwick, I feel for you. I understand how it feels to go through the motions of life and not be living. I am 43, and I don't think I will find true love again. I think that ship has pasted for me. I may find companionship at best. I would welcome that.

 

How do you do it? How can you keep him in your mind for so long? Do you want to let him go? It has been almost two years, and I want to let her go so bad...but I can't seem to. I get to a point where I am right on the verge I feel, but then I am run back... i guess I run back because I know at the time, it was true, and I can't leave it be.

 

I don't want to be like this, but I can't seem to move one. Like you, I have done the meds, the therapy, the exercise (all which I still do), and I have even had a lasting dating affair, which ended because I was just not into it. I never even cried when we split up. I cried because I thought I felt something, but I guess I really didn't.

 

I guess, I just want to know how you feel on a day to day basis and how you don't want to jsut run away from the world.

[sedgwick]

I definitely feel like the dating ship has passed for me too. I'm in my early 40s as well, and everyone is married, gay, or in a long-term relationship.

 

I would like to get over him, yes. But I feel like my life is divided into two parts: before him and after him. I'm not the same person I was before. I used to flirt, I used to get flirted with, and I used to think I was moderately attractive. Those things are all absolutely gone. I haven't had anyone so much as look at me in the seven years since he left me.

 

The weird thing is, life in general has gotten way better. I'm doing a ton of activism work, and my career is going well. He was really into activism, so I imagine often that he could maybe be proud of me if he met me now. But people think I'm this confident, funny, happy person, which is really a joke.

 

I know he's with someone else now, and I know she's what he wanted (she's a musician, as is he, and he told me when he broke up with me that the biggest reason he was doing so is that I'm not one too.) She's a very earthy, grungy, hippie-chick type. I'm the exact opposite of that, so of course I feel very inferior to her.

 

I guess I just feel like that if he remembered me, he would think I still deserved to be punished for wasting his time. I know that's ridiculous, of course, but I can't seem to stop. Therapy helped keep me alive, but it didn't stop me from loving him and missing him intensely, every day.

[Mary Oak]

So do all the other things in your life fulfill you? It sounds like you just don't need a partner. Some people are like that. We are all worthy of love, including you. But, if that is not an interest you have and your life fills you, there is no shame in that.

 

My life does not fill me. I don't fit in anywhere anymore. Most people just grate my nerves. It is like I don't have patience with anything because what I want I will never have. So I feel like why try? I have my mom but that is the extent of my family. And I have some friends, all which are in relationships. I am a relationship person but I only want her.

 

I have been invited on a lunch date from someone online tomorrow. I know I should go just to get out but I don't want to and I still haven't committed to going.

 

Do you a still cry a lot? Do you not talk to him because you love him too much to be friends?

 

No one gets why I am still sad. But I am. Right it wrong, I am.

[learning_slowly]

If I've been in therapy, know about medication, and have Google, you can probably extrapolate that I've heard the word "bipolar" before.

 

So you've been in therapy, taken meds (not sure what having google qualifies you for!) and are still not over a breakup after 7 years!

 

Have you not considered changing your therapist?

 

And/or your meds?

 

I'm not sure the word extrapolate should be used here. I feel infer would be more apt.

 

However, I thank you for your internet armchair diagnosis and subsequent hostility!

 

You are welcome to my suggestion, even though it was sarcasm. I'm not sure where you inferred diagnosis from. Or how you expected to receive a professional diagnosis from an internet forum.

 

The hostility had a reciprocal quality about it. Maybe you should treat others as you would care to be treated.

[Jiivy]

It's been 2 months since I got dumped (NC from day one) and I'm still having a quite tough time (it was a 3 year relationship, 1.5 LDR, he broke up through skype, no third people involved apparently... ugh). It's not as terrible as it was before (I couldn't even get out of bed, anxiety, crying the whole time, etc) but I feel kind of sad most of the day, especially in the mornings, and keep having nightmares or vivid dreams. I can't concentrate neither and I feel I have isolated myself from the world or taken some distance from the people I love.

 

I know that's not a healthy pattern of behavior and I want to change it. I think about my ex boyfriend every day every time, but I want to move on. But I don't really know how to love myself again. I really can't stand being alone. Being with me. I'm at war with myself. I've realized that I've been jumping from relationship to relationship since I was 18 years old (now 26), and it's the 1st time I see myself alone, without anyone by my side, and I feel completely lost, needy and lonely, almost desperate. Sometimes my mind surprises me 'cause I even think about taking other exes back or just getting hooked on anyone to avoid this pain and loneliness. To avoid facing who I am.

 

I wonder how did you guys started loving yourselves again and stop being harsh with yourselves? I feel I've lost my identity, I don't even know who am I anymore, I'm just fragments of everyone I've been with. This last breakup was especially devastating and left me dry. It's the first time I've been dumped too.

 

I'm so scared. I want to make peace with myself and I don't know how. I've started meditating and therapy to come to terms with myself, but I'd like to know what did you do in order to feel stronger... I have friends but they don't go out anymore, so I see them but we don't go out. I'd like to do new things and I feel I don't have anyone to do them with. Of course, I'm too clingy to think I can do them on my own. Ugh. The way I see myself now would scare people, I must look like a sad puppy.

 

Back on topic. With the utmost respect (and maybe a little frustration), this isn't a thread for Sedgwick's self abuse.

 

After such a long relationship, I think it's common for us to feel or at least hope that we get over it far sooner than we naturally do. I've never experienced heartbreak before - this whole process is new to me too...and yeah, months on I still have that heavy, depressed feeling too.

 

I've found writing has helped me a lot. I set up a blog on Wordpress and just write. Nobody has to go out and read it, you could share it if you wanted...but it's a place for you to record your thoughts. Perhaps in time, it's something you could revisit and track through your healing! There's often so much in the words we say and write that we don't conciously see at first glance. Reviewing 3 month old posts of mine has been very insightful for me, given a fresh look and newer perspective.

 

I think you should take Fred's advice on the whole "relationship hopping" thing. It's NOT healthy to carry such baggage without ever having the downtime to process the splits in between.

 

A lot of here are coming out of LTRs and are trying to process who we are as individuals too. You're not alone in being alone. Don't let it become a negative.

 

It's totally not.

[Summerrose2013]

Gaining self esteem is a tough one. I had very low self worth after my break up.

 

Dating helped me! And lots of reading...any self help books related to loving one self. Then making the effort to put it into practise. Slowly but surely I am getting there

 

Hey, I just quoted you on another thread too, we must be twins separated at birth! This is pretty much my copiing mechanism.

Although I'm prone lately to feeling sorry for myself, I am generally fairly optimistic about life. I even told my last ex that when I meet my next BF I will be glad he dumped me because this is how I always feel - glad the old one is gone to make way for a new better partner (wonder why he's gone NC on me LOLOLOLOL!!!!

 

I've set myself the challenge of doing ONE NEW THING every week. Doesn't matter what it is, but preferably involves doing it with NEW people rather than my very small circle of smug happily married friends. It's ****e scary turning up for things on your own BUT if I go with a friend, I know I won't push myself to talk to new people. And the more you do it, the easier it gets. AND a girl I met last week is already trying to fix me up with her BFs best mate (I told her I'm not ready) BUT it's nice to know there is still a good dating pool available. I used to tell myself 'all the good ones are taken' but now I see that this is total rubbish. We are all of us both good and bad depending on who we are with.

[mangetout]

Hey, I just quoted you on another thread too, we must be twins separated at birth! This is pretty much my copiing mechanism.

Although I'm prone lately to feeling sorry for myself, I am generally fairly optimistic about life. I even told my last ex that when I meet my next BF I will be glad he dumped me because this is how I always feel - glad the old one is gone to make way for a new better partner (wonder why he's gone NC on me LOLOLOLOL!!!!

 

I've set myself the challenge of doing ONE NEW THING every week. Doesn't matter what it is, but preferably involves doing it with NEW people rather than my very small circle of smug happily married friends. It's ****e scary turning up for things on your own BUT if I go with a friend, I know I won't push myself to talk to new people. And the more you do it, the easier it gets. AND a girl I met last week is already trying to fix me up with her BFs best mate (I told her I'm not ready) BUT it's nice to know there is still a good dating pool available. I used to tell myself 'all the good ones are taken' but now I see that this is total rubbish. We are all of us both good and bad depending on who we are with.

 

Great minds think alike . Lol