Strength in Healing Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Negative I haven't gotten the chance to read it but will. And even if you changed, it can be an anomaly. Doesn't mean he will. I shouldn't have sounded so pessimistic in my previous post. People CAN change but it takes INCREDIBLE amounts of introspection, mindfulness, and willpower... and sometimes, trauma. Your average or even above average person more often times than not is NOT capable of that. 2
Elle1975 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Negative I haven't gotten the chance to read it but will. And even if you changed, it can be an anomaly. Doesn't mean he will. I shouldn't have sounded so pessimistic in my previous post. People CAN change but it takes INCREDIBLE amounts of introspection, mindfulness, and willpower... and sometimes, trauma. Your average or even above average person more often times than not is NOT capable of that. In my opinion it's not that people really change.. it's just that they weren't @sshole to begin with. They just finally go back to their real nature.
Author DesignerGal87 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Negative I haven't gotten the chance to read it but will. And even if you changed, it can be an anomaly. Doesn't mean he will. I shouldn't have sounded so pessimistic in my previous post. People CAN change but it takes INCREDIBLE amounts of introspection, mindfulness, and willpower... and sometimes, trauma. Your average or even above average person more often times than not is NOT capable of that. You come across as an individual who is very stern in response and seems very educated. I'm pretty sure I know your answer, but do you ever believe a relationship CAN go through hard times, break up and find their way back together to be better than ever?
BC1980 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Negative I haven't gotten the chance to read it but will. And even if you changed, it can be an anomaly. Doesn't mean he will. I shouldn't have sounded so pessimistic in my previous post. People CAN change but it takes INCREDIBLE amounts of introspection, mindfulness, and willpower... and sometimes, trauma. Your average or even above average person more often times than not is NOT capable of that. Even when people seem to have changed, they often revert back to who they really are. I think that who you really are always trumps in the end. 2
Author DesignerGal87 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 I feel so helpless. I am a strong person and this entire situation makes me so weak. When we broke up I always believed we would get back together. I NEEDED THIS TIME APART. I needed to get myself help and I needed to figure things out... I loved him enough to not put him through it. He tells me all the time how much he misses me and wants to be together... and I have so much guilt in my heart for the things I DID during the relationship... I don't know what more I can do.. I've told him I was open to it and to let's meet up... why is it "too hard for him"... the last time we met up (in the beginning of April) he cried the entire time...
Strength in Healing Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 (edited) You come across as an individual who is very stern in response and seems very educated. I'm pretty sure I know your answer, but do you ever believe a relationship CAN go through hard times, break up and find their way back together to be better than ever? That's tough. I think if both people recognize their flaws, partake in introspection and mindfulness, and realize with their whole heart that they want to be together, it's possible. But probable? Negative. I think the probability is they may get back together but inherently fall victim to what broke them up in the first place. So to answer your question, I believe they CAN go through hard times, break up, and find their way back together and be stronger than ever. However, I find it probable that this be TEMPORARY. In a matter of time, their same chemistry will be their demise. As for you elle and BC, your opinions can certainly be true. However, never underestimate what trauma can do to someone. Trauma turned my world upside down, and I still battle with dissociation and lack of emotion. I feel maybe 10% of the emotion the average person does. This allows me to think logically on unparalleled fronts, but comes at a cost. I'd rather just feel emotion again and throw away logic. Edited May 11, 2014 by Strength in Healing
sooshi Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 DesignerGal, I think that yes, a couple can endure hard times, break up, and reconcile with a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Although it does happen, try not to stock hope into thinking that it'll happen with you and your ex-fiancé. Over four months after my ex-fiance left me, I still have recurring fantasies about this sort of thing happening. And logically, I should never, ever even entertain the idea of getting back with him. It seems like you're looking for answers that feed your (apparent) desire for reconciliation, which is really understandable. I just don't want you to get hurt by building all of this hope for an amazing reconciliation when the likelihood of that happening is very slim. <3 I'm sorry for what you're going through. It sounds like he hasn't been treating you well, constantly retreating after telling you he wants to be with you. It sounds like he's making excuses, or maybe he really doesn't know what he wants. As you've come to realize, being in contact can really hinder our healing progress. I would encourage you to not reach out to him or contact him unless he blatantly tells you he wants to be back together. If that happens, you can see where you stand at that point and discuss it with him. In the meantime, continue to focus on you and on making decisions that are good for you. Not being in contact with him is for YOU to heal and for you to concentrate on building a life that is awesome for you (and without him!). 1
BC1980 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 I remember reading your original thread now that I've gone back and looked at it. Let me be honest, as a person who has dealt with an eating disorder for 20 years. I have, many times, been able to change for days at a time, months at a time, even years at a time. However, I invariably went back to my old ways at some point. I will always have an eating disorder because that is who I am at my core. I can tame it, bend it, manipulate it, and deny it, but it is a part of who I am. My life is seen through those lenses, and it has, without a doubt, colored nearly every aspect of my life for 20 years. I know I sound negative and harsh, but it's better to know what you are up against and try to work within the confines of it. You can live a life free from your addiction, but you are always an addict at heart. I have lived a productive life for the past several years, but I am who I am at heart. So I stand by my assertion that people can't change who they are at the core. Modify behaviors, certainly we can. But we don't change who we are.
BC1980 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 I feel so helpless. I am a strong person and this entire situation makes me so weak. When we broke up I always believed we would get back together. I NEEDED THIS TIME APART. I needed to get myself help and I needed to figure things out... I loved him enough to not put him through it. He tells me all the time how much he misses me and wants to be together... and I have so much guilt in my heart for the things I DID during the relationship... I don't know what more I can do.. I've told him I was open to it and to let's meet up... why is it "too hard for him"... the last time we met up (in the beginning of April) he cried the entire time... This is tough. I know the guilt you feel for your gambling problems. I also felt guilt that my eating disorder drove my ex away. I still wonder if I had been better able to deal with it when I met him, would it have worked? I was very harsh on myself or a long time, but I eventually let it all go. It just did me no good in the end. I had to free myself from the burden of it. In the end, you can move forward for yourself. That's all you can do. Don't engage in anymore contact from him.
SCJACK Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 No. I studied psychology since I was 13, and am on my crusade for my PhD in it. It is my official opinion beyond reasonable doubt that no, people can't change. They can change within their original parameters, which isn't much at all, but cannot change like an orange to an apple... You can do better. This guy is playing games. Tell him to go buy monopoly and then block his number. (That was meant to be more badass than it ended up being. I blame the wine) I've seen someone I knew changed dramatically. From a person who was intimidating and mean to someone who was kind and caring. Back when I was younger I used to be scared to talk to him but now it's a complete transformation from what I seen... so idk what you been studying. But people do change. 1
SpiritualAlchemy Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 I know people can change; not their core self, but certainly their behaviors, attitudes, and perspectives. Something major usually motivates this change, though, such as the loss of a loved one, a near-death experience, realizing that their addictions are damaging themselves or others, or an epiphany. And like someone else said here, it takes a massive effort that many are just too inconsistent or lazy or beaten down by life to make that change. Therefore, I want to congratulate you, OP, by having the courage to change aspects of yourself, and work on your addiction for yourself and your future. Now, as for your ex, he still cares about you, no doubt about it, hence the push-pull behavior and the nutty texts. BUT he's unsafe for you right now, and until he recognises that he needs to forgive you, and work out his anger in a healthier, not abusive way, you cannot maintain contact, nor react to it in any way. Delete, block, continue to heal. Give it a great deal of time, you are both walking wounded, and you both need to have a lot of time apart. I'd wait for him to initiate contact for possible reconciliation, and only if you know he is genuine, and he's worked through his issues. You can't help him with that, you're the source of his pain and anger. But don't wait around for this, it's possible it'll never happen. Life goes on, continue on your path of healing and wellness, and if the opportunity to date and have fun arises, and you're ready, do it. All the best!
forbidden_love Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 I read your post simply because my lover of six years has been doing the same thing. He loves me I am sure and is trying desperately to fight it. Hence the getting back and then running off. I am not sure if he will ever be happy because he does not have the balls to stick to anything, he is a weak man. And his behaviour has devastated me. I must say the LC has helped me get a perspective on the fact that he will not change. He wants me and misses me sometimes and when he sees me that fulfills that need (not sex) and then he is ok for a bit. make sense? 1
Author DesignerGal87 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 I know people can change; not their core self, but certainly their behaviors, attitudes, and perspectives. Something major usually motivates this change, though, such as the loss of a loved one, a near-death experience, realizing that their addictions are damaging themselves or others, or an epiphany. And like someone else said here, it takes a massive effort that many are just too inconsistent or lazy or beaten down by life to make that change. Therefore, I want to congratulate you, OP, by having the courage to change aspects of yourself, and work on your addiction for yourself and your future. Now, as for your ex, he still cares about you, no doubt about it, hence the push-pull behavior and the nutty texts. BUT he's unsafe for you right now, and until he recognises that he needs to forgive you, and work out his anger in a healthier, not abusive way, you cannot maintain contact, nor react to it in any way. Delete, block, continue to heal. Give it a great deal of time, you are both walking wounded, and you both need to have a lot of time apart. I'd wait for him to initiate contact for possible reconciliation, and only if you know he is genuine, and he's worked through his issues. You can't help him with that, you're the source of his pain and anger. But don't wait around for this, it's possible it'll never happen. Life goes on, continue on your path of healing and wellness, and if the opportunity to date and have fun arises, and you're ready, do it. All the best! Thank you for this. My logical sense always tells me this... word for word... when I'm being logical. I know in my heart I tried in April... I went to his face and said to him "I know I was the problem.. this is exactly what I'm going to do to fix it and to build your trust back and I gave him exact bullet points that he could hold me to"... He admitted during that conversation that he can't get past everything and if he could learn to move on from it there wouldn't be an issue... I begged him to let me help him move past it as I believed he couldn't do it himself, that he did need me to talk about it with him.. I wanted him to come to my meetings with me, etc... he seemed open to that during that conversation and when we left each other that changed. The push-pull is so heartbreaking. I know there was no possible way for me to change with him right next to me. I was too comfortable and he was always there to pick up my messes. I must say, I agree, that at my core I will always be an addict... I always say my worst and BEST personality trait is addiction. To be honest, being sober and taking off my fog glasses I could look you in the eyes and tell you I wouldn't ever do what I did again... it feels TOO GOOD to live clean. The hardest part is knowing I changed (in a large part) for him... and now that I'm at my best he doesn't want to give it a shot... or at least stop the games...
bluegreen Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 So he begs then runs hm OK I see well next time he does pull this **** you SLAM A DOOR on him and lock it up once for all. He will keep pulling this crap cause you allow it to happen 1
Author DesignerGal87 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 So today went like this (through text): Me: "I'm sorry for getting so upset with you yesterday" Him: "it's fine" Me: "I hope you at least think about meeting up to talk" Him: "What is there to talk about?" Me: "just a lot I wanted to say..." Him: "We'll honestly it's just too hard to see you" Me: "I understand... Just hope you think about it" Him: "K" Two hours later Him: "Xxx, I want us to be together so bad I just can't get myself to do it" Me: "I understand. Just know I wasn't asking you to jump into a relationship... Just a conversation" Him: "I'm not making any guarantees but maybe we can talk later idk" Me : "ok" I obviously haven't heard from him since...
sooshi Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 He doesn't want to be with you as badly as he says/thinks he does. If he did, you'd be together. 2
FortunateSon Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 He doesn't want to be with you as badly as he says/thinks he does. If he did, you'd be together. This is absolutely true. If he truly wanted it, there is NO way he wouldn't talk/be with you...
Author DesignerGal87 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 I know your both so very right. It's just terribly painful and I hold so much guilt...
BC1980 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 He doesn't want to be with you as badly as he says/thinks he does. If he did, you'd be together. I agree with this. Sometimes, people overestimate their capacity for committing to you. I don't think they do it on purpose. Once I was really honest with my ex about my eating disorder, he freaked out and eventually bolted. I've been where you are, and it probably won't work out how you wish it would. My ex would say some of the same things your ex is saying. He wanted to be together and loved me, but he just couldn't make it work. I've found out with these people, they have tried to make it work and accept who you are (silently) for a very long time. When they eventually decide to pull the trigger, they are well and truly done. It sucks because you had no idea they were going through these internal battles for so long. It seems unfair.
BC1980 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I know your both so very right. It's just terribly painful and I hold so much guilt... Try to free yourself from the guilt. What happened is in the past. I used to beat myself up too, but I had to let it go eventually. I can't change what has already happened. 2
KaliLove Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 He's all over the place. Best to go NC until you both sort your emotions out. 1
Author DesignerGal87 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 I am having a terrible day today. I can't seem to get it together. I left work abruptly in tears. The memories and great times are flooding me. I feel like dying in the inside What is wrong with me?!
KaliLove Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I am having a terrible day today. I can't seem to get it together. I left work abruptly in tears. The memories and great times are flooding me. I feel like dying in the inside What is wrong with me?! You got dumped..don't be so hard on yourself!! Be kind to yourself. Eat some comfort food, watch a funny and non-romantic movie, invite some girlfriends over. There is NOTHING wrong with you..your reaction is perfectly normal. I'm so sorry you're hurting..sending big hugs your way.
Author DesignerGal87 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 I just can't understand the push- pull and the games.... He begged for over a month... I give an inch and he tells me he can't be with me... Then tells me he is going to call and doesn't I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
KaliLove Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 So learn from it. He said he wanted you back, then he dumped you again in a nasty way. He said he would call, and he didn't. This guy has proven himself not to be reliable. Don't keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Fool me once, shame on you..fool me twice, shame on me. Don't be fooled again. 1
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