Ex begs to get back together... then runs [update]

[DesignerGal87]

I can’t believe I’ve finally built up the guts to write!... I’ve been mossing around here for about 3 months now.

 

I am 27 and my ex fiancé is 30, we were together about 4 years and were suppose to be getting married in September. We broke up about 3 months ago, and I would be lying if I said we weren’t going through the motions for the last 4 months or so prior. In fact, I think we were both mentally preparing for the end of our relationship… I believe we continued to get so nose deep into wedding planning to cover up our feelings that we knew we were on track to breaking up.

 

The entirety of our relationship was never simple… he was never a go-getter, had no degree and jumped from collection job to collection job and he drove around for 8 years with a suspended license from when he was 21. He was a good person though, we had the best of times and for the first time in my life I felt so inseparably close to another human.

 

I also had my issues, and as much as I would like to skip over this because it is painful for me to write, I know it’s about 70% of the story and I wouldn’t be giving you the true picture without it. For the entirety of our 4-year relationship I was an addict (gambling). If you looked at me you would never know. I have two degrees, an amazing career and I’m about as outgoing as they come. I wake up and go to work everyday just like you. When I first had to write my “story” in gamblers anonymous I described myself as two different people. Because essentially I was… there was the successful, caring, loyal, outgoing and respectful me and then there was the irresponsible, mean, emotional, and outright horrible me. I truly lead two separate lives.

 

My ex knew of my gambling since day one. He also knew of my parents gambling issues. For the first couple years it was never a problem because we had separate finances, the third year we combined finances and I ran the show (as I made 6x more than him, I somehow felt entitled?). I use to lie to my ex about going and about money. I always justified it in my head that because I made the money I was entitled to do what I wanted…that it was MY money. I can’t tell you the guilt I live with everyday for this.

 

My ex always chose to ignore the gambling, even thought it was the elephant of our relationship. I know he was growing to hate me and resent me for it… at the end of our relationship he could barely touch me or look at me. Now that I am sober and my fog glasses are off, quite frankly I couldn’t blame him. I, too became resentful… I began getting help, I started counseling and my twelve step meetings… I needed his support and he offered everything but… I went through the same withdrawals as a heroine addict… shaking, uneasiness and struggle… all he could do during this time was look at me and say “you did this to yourself”. I begged him to come to a meeting with me to understand how I felt and also for me to understand how he felt. I wanted us to work through this now that I was so determined to beat this. He refused. During this time it pained me so much that what he begged from me for four years to do, I was doing and he was not there. I believe he was already checked out. I finally decided one day I couldn’t do this anymore. I loved him (and myself) enough to want us both to stop being miserable and to find true happiness. And truthfully, I was in the true heart of becoming sober and his coldness made me fear I would lapse.

 

Out of all the things I regret in my life how I’ve handled the past three months is not one of them. I have stayed completely sober (this has been the first time in several years I have truly felt alive). I now wake up, look myself in the mirror and don’t completely hate myself. My ex and I had many mutual things to take care of when we split (joint finances, wedding, living arrangements, etc.). I even paid him back $8,000 for all the money I felt I took of his during my madness. I remained nothing but respectful and fair. He, however has been nothing but hateful… to the point that it is scary.

 

The first two months were sporadic texts back and forth… he would tell me what a horrible person I am, how I deserved nothing but the worst, how he thanked god he didn’t end up with me, how I allowed the casino to ruin us, he even told me he prayed to God that I would die in a car accident. I was very close with his family, and we had many mutual friends throughout the years. During this break up I’ve disassociated myself from anyone associated with him (I only believed it was fair as he was their friends far before I was in the picture) and he continued to talk about me and call me horrible things to other people. Through all of this, I’ve taken it… I didn’t respond in typical me fashion meanly… I didn’t say anything… because I believed I deserved it after what I had put him through for the last 4 years.

 

I finally went no contact in the beginning of April after all of our joint items were taken care of… Every few days or so I would get a random text of “I miss you” or “I want to move with you”, etc.…. I ignored them… today I got a text that went on and on about what a horrible person I was.. how I never deserve to be with a guy ever again… how God created me to be the devil on earth… how I’m a “f’ing loser”. And once again I took it because I felt like I deserve it… but why bother texting me in the first place? I haven’t responded in over a month,… why continue?

 

Yes, I was a good 70% of the demise of our relationship… but being single the past three months and focusing on me, and becoming healthy… I’ve never felt better and every time he texts I feel so low again… like I’m the poop on the bottom of his shoe… and apart of me believes I deserve to feel this way… but I wasn’t the one who just checked out of this relationship… I begged him to atleast try and come to therapy with me… he was the one who refused. I truly want him to find happiness. I couldn’t make him happy and I want him to find happiness (and I have told him this before). Why is he still so angry? What do I do?

 

Thanks for reading…

[FredJones80]

Sounds like he doesn't want to let go but is hurt?

[DesignerGal87]

I understand that (and rightfully so). I struggle with the decision to go cold turkey no contact or say to him "I hope we can someday have an adult, respectful conversation"

[FredJones80]

I understand that (and rightfully so). I struggle with the decision to go cold turkey no contact or say to him "I hope we can someday have an adult, respectful conversation"

 

I can't say for certain but sometimes people lash out at the people they care about?

 

Are you certain he doesn't want to reconcile?

[DesignerGal87]

About a month in I tried to reconcile again... we met up and talked for 4 hours.. he literally cried the entire time and he of course told me his issues with me (the gambling) and I told him about my progress and listed out every single thing I would do to gain his respect back 1. Ban myself with him (even though I already am banned) 2. Cancel the wedding and plan a vacation to get to know each other again, 3. He could handle all of the money if our relationship progressed to that again, etc... and we were about THIS close to reconciling... i was going away for a work trip and we agreed to talk when I got back (a week) and he then started up with his anger and it never happened and that's when I went no contact.

[FredJones80]

About a month in I tried to reconcile again... we met up and talked for 4 hours.. he literally cried the entire time and he of course told me his issues with me (the gambling) and I told him about my progress and listed out every single thing I would do to gain his respect back 1. Ban myself with him (even though I already am banned) 2. Cancel the wedding and plan a vacation to get to know each other again, 3. He could handle all of the money if our relationship progressed to that again, etc... and we were about THIS close to reconciling... i was going away for a work trip and we agreed to talk when I got back (a week) and he then started up with his anger and it never happened and that's when I went no contact.

 

So sad, I hope you can work things out.

 

If he is still contacting you and you're ignoring him for this long then surely he wants something?

 

Maybe you should just ask him, "What do you want from me?" - I don't see why he would continue to vent if there wasn't some motive behind it.

 

Then again I could be totally wrong, just my opinion.

[DesignerGal87]

I'm an extra mess this evening as all day we went back and forth about how ****ty the other person is and how he hadn't been inlove with me for years and he would text me during that month of not responding because he wanted to "f with my head" what is wrong with this guy?!

[DesignerGal87]

You can find my story in my previous thread (not quite sure how to link it here)

 

My ex, need I mind you he is almost 31 and I broke up 3 months ago and he is scary full of anger the entire three months.

 

I have admitted my faults, ALL OF THEM. Out of all the regrets I have in my life how I've handled myself the past three months is not one of them. I have honestly been fair and respectful and have allowed the mental beating.

 

In the beginning of April I finally said enough is enough and went no contact... Every few days it was like clock work, I would get a text "I miss you" " I really wish we were getting married so bad" etc. I ignored.

 

Yesterday he sent me this horrible text once again about how I'm the worst person alive, I'm horrible, he must have told me 20 times to kill myself... And then today he proceeded to text my best friend ( who is dating his close friend) and tell her what a terrible person I am and that she should be ashamed to assiciate with me... And how he had only been with me so long for my good job and he had only been texting to "F with my head". She told him multiple times to move on as I have. He then started to degrade her also. She looked at me, hugged me and said I feel so sorry for you... And I'm scared for you it is not nornal to act like that.

 

I am genuinely getting scared... It feels as more time passes the anger is progressing... Before I went no contact I told him I wanted to make this work.. I had been strong, felt I had something to offer and wanted to try again. He didn't bite and I told him I was moving on and I did... What the heck? How can someone I was suppose to be marrying in 4 months act like this? I am genuinely getting scared by the things he is saying to me.

[Strength in Healing]

How can someone I was suppose to be marrying in 4 months act like this?

 

 

Because he thought in 4 months he was going to marry you.

 

Now, in 4 months, he is going to be doing God knows what.

 

The things he is saying is insane, definitely not normal. But he probably is hitting the anger state. Feels betrayed, regardless of who broke up with who or why. Probably feels rage. If he hasn't become physical yet then odds are he won't. But he needs to find better ways to deal with the rejection and anger.

[FredJones80]

Seems odd he didn't want to take your opportunity to reconcile. Are you sure he received that?

 

I think anger to pleading to anger is a normal reaction for some dumpee's. Might not be ideal, but emotions run high.

[melell]

Be weary of threats and what not and act accordingly if you are genuinely scared, but to be honest it sounds like he is just really hurting.

 

He is handling it in an immature way, but aside from that he is hurt and not being rational- try not to focus on the things he is doing/saying, and instead be mindful of why he might be acting that way.

[STM206]

No, I said some mean things about his character but never threatened or told him to kill himself. This guy is most likely feeling the rejection to the max and is unloading on you.

[DesignerGal87]

That's the hard part for me... I can't unset stand WHY.

 

I am genuinely just as heart broken... I may have "officially" been the dumper but when I did it we were both so unhappy and I told him this wasnt just for me that I loved him enough to want him to find the happiness I can't give him.

 

He tells everyone under the sun "I'm over her I'm happy" yet EVERYONE keeps saying to him "if that's the case why keep bashing her".

 

I've tried saying to him "I want to have a respectful conversation with you" his answer to me was "I would need to have respect for you and your scum to me".

 

This is really starting to take a toll on me... I'm grateful for the past three months that I've been able to focus on myself and feeling healthy.

 

It's hard for me to accept that this man who I was ready to commit my life to, who was my best friend and knew every single thing about me could say the things he has said. It makes me question muself, my judge of character and how I will ever possible trust another man... Definitely in a funk today...

[DesignerGal87]

That's the thing though... He wasnt rejected. I always had open arms to make things work. He's always loved mind games and I finally said in the behunjng of April... That's it... I'm done.

 

I hardly think saying the things he has to me that he wants to reconcile... I just don't understand.

[Candy_Pants]

You dodged a bullet. Time for you to get over him, stop trying to understand his behavior, and ignore him.

[KaliLove]

You dodged a bullet. Time for you to get over him, stop trying to understand his behavior, and ignore him.

 

This, and also it's time to block him. Why haven't you done that yet?

[DesignerGal87]

ill be honest... Every time I got an "I miss you" text it made me feel somehow special... Which I hadn't felt in years...

 

Your right. I need to block. I just can't seem to build up the guts to ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY do it.

[Candy_Pants]

ill be honest... Every time I got an "I miss you" text it made me feel somehow special... Which I hadn't felt in years...

 

Your right. I need to block. I just can't seem to build up the guts to ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY do it.

 

It's not about guts. It's about self.respect. This person admits to trying to "fu ck with you" emotionally by sending these texts. Who cares what he thinks/feels. Don't let him in your head.

[DesignerGal87]

I know... And you are right.

 

I guess today especially hurt because it was the first time in three months I finally had my "AH HA" moment of it being truly over to the point of no return...

 

I feel more emotional and hurt and devestated today then I ever have.

[DesignerGal87]

My full story is around here somewhere (I can't quite figure out how to link it to this thread).

 

My ex fiance and I broke up about 3 months ago now... in April we were "trying to work things out" for a hot second.. that lasted maybe two days.

 

I went no contact in the middle of April and didn't communicate with him and would get texts every few days "I miss you", etc.

 

Thursday he reached out through email saying he wanted to work things out. I gave him an inch that I would be open to it... and now he is back peddling that "we clearly aren't right for each other" because I told him if he wanted to work things out he would need to meet up with me and talk... he tells me "it's way too hard to see you".. What the heck!?

 

I'm in such a depressed state right now... for the past three months I've held it together.. I've been strong, made positive changes and while still sad I've been doing good and since I responded on Thursday I've been a total mess... He keeps trying to get me back and when I give him an inch he runs in the other direction. It is so heartbreaking and I don't know what to do.

[STM206]

My full story is around here somewhere (I can't quite figure out how to link it to this thread).

 

My ex fiance and I broke up about 3 months ago now... in April we were "trying to work things out" for a hot second.. that lasted maybe two days.

 

I went no contact in the middle of April and didn't communicate with him and would get texts every few days "I miss you", etc.

 

Thursday he reached out through email saying he wanted to work things out. I gave him an inch that I would be open to it... and now he is back peddling that "we clearly aren't right for each other" because I told him if he wanted to work things out he would need to meet up with me and talk... he tells me "it's way too hard to see you".. What the heck!?

 

I'm in such a depressed state right now... for the past three months I've held it together.. I've been strong, made positive changes and while still sad I've been doing good and since I responded on Thursday I've been a total mess... He keeps trying to get me back and when I give him an inch he runs in the other direction. It is so heartbreaking and I don't know what to do.

 

Tell him when he's ready to man up, then reach out to you - until then leave you alone to heal. He sounds like 1.) he isn't sure what the hell he's doing or 2.) playing games.

 

As well all know... AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

[elseaacych]

Here's the thing. Even if he wants back, even if he wants to move mountains for you right now. (He doesn't.) You can't take him back. HE HURT YOU. You need to do right by you. Do you want to put him back in a position where he can do that? Hint, you are currently doing that right now, but if you take him back he will just do it again because he doesn't know what he wants and he will inadvertently hurt you again, only the next time more and worse.

 

The only thing now you can do to keep yourself together is to go NC and let yourself work through the process of building yourself back up into the lovely human being you were before you were in this mess, but only better. The only way you can do that is by detatching from him and getting some clarity on where you stand. Not just on your previous relationship. Not just on him. Not just on you. But where you stand and what you will do to have better future relationships that will be more fulfilling than the last one.

 

It will take time.

 

Several months.

 

It will be hard. But you will be okay.

[DesignerGal87]

Here's the thing. Even if he wants back, even if he wants to move mountains for you right now. (He doesn't.) You can't take him back. HE HURT YOU. You need to do right by you. Do you want to put him back in a position where he can do that? Hint, you are currently doing that right now, but if you take him back he will just do it again because he doesn't know what he wants and he will inadvertently hurt you again, only the next time more and worse.

 

The only thing now you can do to keep yourself together is to go NC and let yourself work through the process of building yourself back up into the lovely human being you were before you were in this mess, but only better. The only way you can do that is by detatching from him and getting some clarity on where you stand. Not just on your previous relationship. Not just on him. Not just on you. But where you stand and what you will do to have better future relationships that will be more fulfilling than the last one.

 

It will take time.

 

Several months.

 

It will be hard. But you will be okay.

 

Do you believe people can change?

[Strength in Healing]

Do you believe people can change?

 

 

No.

 

I studied psychology since I was 13, and am on my crusade for my PhD in it. It is my official opinion beyond reasonable doubt that no, people can't change.

 

They can change within their original parameters, which isn't much at all, but cannot change like an orange to an apple...

 

You can do better. This guy is playing games. Tell him to go buy monopoly and then block his number. (That was meant to be more badass than it ended up being. I blame the wine)

[DesignerGal87]

No.

 

I studied psychology since I was 13, and am on my crusade for my PhD in it. It is my official opinion beyond reasonable doubt that no, people can't change.

 

They can change within their original parameters, which isn't much at all, but cannot change like an orange to an apple...

 

You can do better. This guy is playing games. Tell him to go buy monopoly and then block his number. (That was meant to be more badass than it ended up being. I blame the wine)

 

Did you by any chance read my original story?... I have changed. I'm nothing like the person I was previously. (something I'm quite proud of)